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Original poster

A message from an ‘ugly’ woman

532 replies

Over40Overdating · 13/09/2023 23:57

I am, by all conventional standards, an ‘ugly’ woman.

I am not, and never have been, beautiful. Never pretty or attractive. On a good day with some good light, I could possibly pass for striking.

This awareness has crippled my self esteem for years, to the point of developing a phobia of mirrors and pictures. I have no pictures of me from 14 until recently.

Tonight, on my way home from work, 2 young women got on the trains opposite me and started discussing and laughing loudly about how deformed and ugly my face I was.

I didn’t challenge them because I am middle aged and knackered and didn’t fancy my chances with two very loud, much younger women, but I realised I don’t actually care.

For so long, someone calling me ugly or unattractive to my face would have been my worst nightmare but it happened and instead of the world ending, I’ve realised I no longer care about my face or how it’s viewed.

I don’t know if it’s age, peri menopause, life experience or being too tired to care, but for the first time in my life I feel like I am more than the sum of my facial features and very much like who I am regardless of what I look like.

I feel free. Like a giant weight I have been dragging around my whole life has suddenly dropped off. I wish I’d had this realisation decades ago! I wish I could tell younger me my wonky face doesn’t actually matter in the grand scheme of things. I have a life I am proud to have created and many things to celebrate and not a single one of them relied on me having a conventional looking face.

So fellow ‘ugly’ women, please come join me on a ‘DGAF’ thread.

Reassurance about your face ‘not being that bad really’ is banned.

Celebration of all the many other things you are than your physical appearance encouraged!

OP posts:
Tapasita · 14/09/2023 20:04

Shame on those two ugly young women - may they reap what they sow

Original poster
Over40Overdating · 14/09/2023 20:49

Thanks so much to everyone who’s chimed in with their experience and support - I feel quite emotional knowing there are so many people out there who had the same fears and issues I did/do.

I always felt so alone thinking no one else would understand why I avoided photos or girls night outs or even those self check out screens! To know what it’s like to live your life feeling like a fully formed, proper person on the inside but then to catch a glimpse of an outside that doesn’t match and spend days and weeks full of self loathing.

I’m sad and angry for us all that we were and are made to feel like that because we don’t meet some arbitrary ideal that’s essentially only doable thanks to a generic lottery we have no hand in!

To the PP’s who said they are still getting to the DGAF stage - if I can get there, anyone can. We all deserve to live our lives free from the weight of other people’s judgement and I hope you all get there!

OP posts:
Original poster
Over40Overdating · 14/09/2023 20:51

And to the PP who mentioned Jolie-Laide - thank you!
I have never heard that phrase before but I love it!

OP posts:

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Ringadinga · 14/09/2023 21:26

EarringsandLipstick · 14/09/2023 07:29

I'm 50 and I could still be 'good for my age' if I wanted. I don't, I am finally happy in my own skin, my hair is grey and frizzy, my face is round and I'm 4 stone over weight and fuck me do I feel free!

It doesn't have to be either / or, though.

It's great you are happy - and that's most important.

But you don't have to choose being overweight or not tending to your hair as a protest against the excessive focus on 'looks' that you refer to.

As I say it is your choice either way; but someone who chose to put more time in their appearance might not be doing so to 'look good for their age' but just because they are choices that make them happy.

I'm not doing it as a 'fuck you to the patriarchy'. I'm like I am as I don't enjoy hairdressers, nail salons, running, and clothes only interest me if they are comfy. I'm not judging or looking down on those who do feel good with a new haircut/outfit. What I am saying is people shouldn't be doing these things or not doing them for anyone but themselves. Not sure where you got my 'ugliness' was a protest, it's me being absolutely happy with who I am. I hated being pretty and my aging and weight gain was not a conscious choice but my not fighting it was.

SperaT · 14/09/2023 21:36

@SlightlyJaded

This is so true! -

It is 100 percent true that beauty/looks can completely change in the eye of the beholder depending on what is on the inside.

if someone is mean, I find them very unattractive and how they look is irrelevant.

if someone is kind, there's always something attractive about them.

ZebraDanios · 14/09/2023 21:53

SperaT · 14/09/2023 21:36

@SlightlyJaded

This is so true! -

It is 100 percent true that beauty/looks can completely change in the eye of the beholder depending on what is on the inside.

if someone is mean, I find them very unattractive and how they look is irrelevant.

if someone is kind, there's always something attractive about them.

I think we can all agree with this, but unfortunately for the less-attractive among us the average total random doesn’t know how delightful we are on the inside so we still get abuse.

Lolasgame · 15/09/2023 02:39

You’ve obviously never heard of resting bitch face 😂 you could be having the nicest thoughts but no one would know it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Lolasgame · 15/09/2023 03:38

Sorry that happened to you op. Has anybody else noticed it’s usually the non oil paintings that make these horrid comments ? talk about projecting. But seriously society is getting worse just being attractive, average or pleasant looking is not good enough anymore, in fact it’s considered ugly. No wonder women and girl’s self esteem is at an all time low. If it’s not fake, filled, plumped or stretched then it’s not beautiful. One day those 2 sad little cretins will wake up and find they don’t fit the current youth/beauty standards of the day. I hope some sad little skanks half their age publicly belittle and ridicule them. Karma.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 15/09/2023 06:53

I hope some sad little skanks half their age publicly belittle and ridicule them.

I don't. Such behaviour is never justice. That would make it OK.

Stormyweathr · 15/09/2023 08:05

I will guarantee that all the ‘young, attractive’ looking kids will be joining this post soon all the fillers and treatments that they are all getting nowadays will soon be proven to cause them issues later in life and will destroy any natural beauty they ever had

looks are irrelevant to me I look for how nice a soul someone has

Jellybubbamama0987 · 15/09/2023 08:47

I’m 47 and still struggling with this. Outwardly I’m fat (have PCOS), skin that looks dull, permanent dark circles around my eyes (always had them even when young) but inside I’m funny,sarcastic,caring,loving,fairly smart, just generally a good person but I can’t get past how I look. I’m hoping I can have that epiphany but I fear past experiences will never let me get past it

DigbyTheDigger · 15/09/2023 09:29

Weirdly I've found being a parent has helped with this. It's aged me horribly and ruined my (overweight to begin with) body but my efforts to raise DD with confidence and self esteem are transferring to me by osmosis.
By trying to teach her that her actions are what counts I suppose I'm finally realising it's the same for me.

Webex · 15/09/2023 09:42

To know what it’s like to live your life feeling like a fully formed, proper person on the inside but then to catch a glimpse of an outside that doesn’t match and spend days and weeks full of self loathing

This is so well put. This is very much my experience.

NameAU1 · 15/09/2023 10:10

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we've removed their threads and posts.

Categorically incorrect.

I’m a woman who’s never been asked on a date, everytime I’ve asked I’ve been turned down (their prerogative of course), never been on a date, obviously never had sex.
I will die alone.

So your post is not only non-sense, but pretty mean in a way.

Trakand01 · 15/09/2023 10:36

So sorry that happened to you OP. If it happens again, even if it doesn’t bother you, teach them a lesson by picking up your phone, pretending to call someone and saying (Loud enough to be heard) something along the lines of “Hiya, just thought I’d call and see how you are… Yeah I’m just on the train. I’m fed up of listening to the two bitches sitting across from me making fun of my appearance… No don’t worry about it, they’re just unpleasant people, like playground bullies. Yeah it’s ok, I think I know where one of them works so there’s always that. Anyway how are you?”

Lightbluegreen · 15/09/2023 10:42

Trakand01 · 15/09/2023 10:36

So sorry that happened to you OP. If it happens again, even if it doesn’t bother you, teach them a lesson by picking up your phone, pretending to call someone and saying (Loud enough to be heard) something along the lines of “Hiya, just thought I’d call and see how you are… Yeah I’m just on the train. I’m fed up of listening to the two bitches sitting across from me making fun of my appearance… No don’t worry about it, they’re just unpleasant people, like playground bullies. Yeah it’s ok, I think I know where one of them works so there’s always that. Anyway how are you?”

Brilliant!

Original poster
Over40Overdating · 15/09/2023 11:07

@Trakand01 to be honest part of my reluctance to speak up was knowing it would have been very likely I’d have copped a slap or two if I had.

OP posts:
SurprisedWithAHorse · 15/09/2023 11:11

Trakand01 · 15/09/2023 10:36

So sorry that happened to you OP. If it happens again, even if it doesn’t bother you, teach them a lesson by picking up your phone, pretending to call someone and saying (Loud enough to be heard) something along the lines of “Hiya, just thought I’d call and see how you are… Yeah I’m just on the train. I’m fed up of listening to the two bitches sitting across from me making fun of my appearance… No don’t worry about it, they’re just unpleasant people, like playground bullies. Yeah it’s ok, I think I know where one of them works so there’s always that. Anyway how are you?”

This is the kind of thing that we imagine will stop the bullies in their tracks and make them scuttle off in shame, but in reality will probably only escalate the situation in a way that would only harm the victim further.

PeskyRooks · 15/09/2023 12:39

SurprisedWithAHorse · 15/09/2023 11:11

This is the kind of thing that we imagine will stop the bullies in their tracks and make them scuttle off in shame, but in reality will probably only escalate the situation in a way that would only harm the victim further.

Show quote history

Exactly! And it would make you look nuts as well

movedonfromsmithy · 15/09/2023 13:02

I wish I didn't GAF

I am an uggo! I've been told throughout my life how unattractive I am. I developed an eating disorder and BDD at the age of 12 due to bulling for being ugly which I am still living with to this very day at the age of 48.

My ex husband use to say the most crippling mean things to me..

You are skanky
Your face is disgusting, it needs sorting out
Look at all your horrible scabs and scars
I don't want to look at your flat tits
You are F* minging bitch
You are a turn off
I hate touching you
I hate coming near you
I hate sleeping with you
You repulse me
You are not at all sexy

Other people in different places of employment have been mean to me. I was a barmaid and I was regularly told I was too ugly to be behind a bar.

There was a rhyme they made up at school about me that I still remember.. Gemma, Gemma you are so skank, your arse is bigger than a tank, you look like a big beached whale, but that is for another tale.

The man who I loved more than anything cheated on me so that just confirmed how fucking ugly I am. He broke my heart when he cheated, but he wasn't the only man to cheat... thus cementing I was not attractive enough.

I've never felt 'good enough' in todays society. Now or back then.

I wish I could see myself at the minimum average, but being told all the time I am not... My sister even now comments on my thin hair (losing due to peri). My hair is very long and it is thin, I know, but do I need to be told!? I also know my skin is shit, why feel the need to remind me of that too?

I've been close to unaliving myself sooo many times because I feel I don't fit in the world in any way. I'm just an odd one who wants to feel okay about herself and wants someone to also see me as 'okay'...... Not being told all the time how fucking gross I am.

I guess, at least my dogs don't judge me!!!!

SurprisedWithAHorse · 15/09/2023 13:08

movedonfromsmithy · 15/09/2023 13:02

I wish I didn't GAF

I am an uggo! I've been told throughout my life how unattractive I am. I developed an eating disorder and BDD at the age of 12 due to bulling for being ugly which I am still living with to this very day at the age of 48.

My ex husband use to say the most crippling mean things to me..

You are skanky
Your face is disgusting, it needs sorting out
Look at all your horrible scabs and scars
I don't want to look at your flat tits
You are F* minging bitch
You are a turn off
I hate touching you
I hate coming near you
I hate sleeping with you
You repulse me
You are not at all sexy

Other people in different places of employment have been mean to me. I was a barmaid and I was regularly told I was too ugly to be behind a bar.

There was a rhyme they made up at school about me that I still remember.. Gemma, Gemma you are so skank, your arse is bigger than a tank, you look like a big beached whale, but that is for another tale.

The man who I loved more than anything cheated on me so that just confirmed how fucking ugly I am. He broke my heart when he cheated, but he wasn't the only man to cheat... thus cementing I was not attractive enough.

I've never felt 'good enough' in todays society. Now or back then.

I wish I could see myself at the minimum average, but being told all the time I am not... My sister even now comments on my thin hair (losing due to peri). My hair is very long and it is thin, I know, but do I need to be told!? I also know my skin is shit, why feel the need to remind me of that too?

I've been close to unaliving myself sooo many times because I feel I don't fit in the world in any way. I'm just an odd one who wants to feel okay about herself and wants someone to also see me as 'okay'...... Not being told all the time how fucking gross I am.

I guess, at least my dogs don't judge me!!!!

I don't even know where to start, it's too horrifying. But I can assure you that whatever you look like, that's not the problem. It is how your face and form happened to assemble, and no more. The bullying, the abuse that you have suffered all your life is a THEM problem. And the cheating sure as fuck wasn't because of your looks. Tiger Woods was married to a Swedish model, ffs.

Shitbags walk everywhere. I am so sorry that you have been unfortunate enough to draw so many of them but it is not because there is anything wrong with YOU.

movedonfromsmithy · 15/09/2023 13:23

@SurprisedWithAHorse

That didn't even touch the sides of my life as an ugly woman.

I use to go out with my friends to clubs and such when we were younger and I would sit alone while they were chatted up, 9/10 I would go and cry in the toilets.

Things stick in my mind from earlier on. I was out with another friend of mine and she is stunning, obviously being chatted up and they turned to me and said 'if I was you, I'd erase myself and start again'.

I'm on dating apps now and the amount of hate I get for having my face is unbelievable.

I should have also mentioned that my ex husband was very physical because I was ugly. He resented me for being that way, I'm pretty sure he only married me for a roof over his head cause there definitely wasn't any love there!

I wish I could embrace the ugly but it's ruined my life.

ColinRobinsonsFart · 15/09/2023 13:24

Ugly woman here. I am nearly 60 and my face is very asymmetrical due to a broken jaw.
When I was 30 I was at a party talking to a bloke and his mate said 'god you are the ugliest woman I have ever seen'

This was nearly 30 yrs ago and I can still remember the feeling. It felt like I had been hit by a bus. I went home and cried and cried.

I can't be that bad as I have been married a few times and am now with the present Mr Fart who is a keeper. He says I am beautiful and when I look into his eyes I believe him. He says he would've smacked that bloke - and mr fart is not a violent man!

SurprisedWithAHorse · 15/09/2023 13:26

movedonfromsmithy · 15/09/2023 13:23

@SurprisedWithAHorse

That didn't even touch the sides of my life as an ugly woman.

I use to go out with my friends to clubs and such when we were younger and I would sit alone while they were chatted up, 9/10 I would go and cry in the toilets.

Things stick in my mind from earlier on. I was out with another friend of mine and she is stunning, obviously being chatted up and they turned to me and said 'if I was you, I'd erase myself and start again'.

I'm on dating apps now and the amount of hate I get for having my face is unbelievable.

I should have also mentioned that my ex husband was very physical because I was ugly. He resented me for being that way, I'm pretty sure he only married me for a roof over his head cause there definitely wasn't any love there!

I wish I could embrace the ugly but it's ruined my life.

I know there's nothing I can say to mitigate everything you've been through, but it really really is a THEM problem. You have done nothing wrong and there's nothing wrong with YOU.

Your ex was not abusive because of anything to do with your looks. He was abusive because he was a fucking arsewipe.

Try not to think of it as "these things happened because I am ugly" and instead think "these things happened because those people were fucking shits".

Original poster
Over40Overdating · 15/09/2023 13:39

@movedonfromsmithy I’m so sorry you have encountered so many shitty people in your life and I hope you know none of what you’ve experienced was deserved and says far more about them than you.

You’ve hit on what I think a lot of the ‘no one is ugly’ people don’t understand - so much of beauty standards is about attracting and keeping a partner. Our worth as women has historically been defined by whether or not a man ‘wants’ us. And if you are too ‘ugly’ to be wanted by a man then you become fair game for disgusting behaviour because you don’t have value.

I know that’s horseshit but I also know when you are surrounded by that being reinforced in your every day life, it’s hard to see it that way.

Your ex sounds like a grade A cunt and is truly what an ugly person is.

I really hope you find someone who helps you feel okay and that you fit in and I would also say - dogs and animals are a good judge of character. Know that you are the amazing person your dogs see you to be! And fuck anyone else who doesn’t - I know that’s the hard part but you deserve to feel better than the people around you have made you feel.

OP posts: