Why do you coach / tutor your private school DC

[ResoluteRaccoon]

I’m a private school parent and DC are at a “prestigious” school locally in N London. We didn’t know it was prestigious until we moved here.

Over the past couple of years I’ve had the misfortune of going through the 11+ process, DS is a couple of years off.

What I’ve witnessed over this time has utterly astounded me. The level of tutoring (and by the way that includes parents who almost make it their career to coach their kids themselves), private sports coaching (on top of multiple club sessions a week), and general helicoptering over every aspect of the kids’ lives has astounded me. The pressure to be “elite”, to live up to expectations deep rooted in I don’t know what… just seems desperately unhealthy.

My question is why do you do it? What are you trying to achieve that you can’t already get from buying your kids an advantage in life (as someone who has kids at private school)? How do you think your kids will feel about it all when they look back in the future? Where do your expectations come from, are they deep rooted in something you either did or didn’t achieve? Do you do it because everyone else does it? How do you feel about OTHER people doing it, do you see them as a threat? Should I be doing it??

I desperately do not want to get swept up in it all but it’s EVERYWHERE.

For those who were brought up like this, did it work, did it get you anywhere, what kind of person are you and would you do the same for your kids??

Thanks all, I just want some perspective on whether IABU to feel the worlds worst FOMO for not buying into it.

I often think that if a child needs all that extra input, perhaps they don’t have the natural ability to succeed in a highly academic environment. I wonder too, if parents will be very disappointed if those children don’t achieve what they expect or want for them.

I imagine it might also make children resentful that they are expected to be such high achievers, to fill every moment with meaningful activity and have no time to just ‘be’.

All that supposed achievement isn’t the be all and end all. I’ve seen children whose mental health is shot to pieces by the expectation placed on them. My children didn’t go to private school; we didn’t have the money for it. They had gym classes, cubs, scouts, horse riding and any activities they wanted to try.

I wonder this too, particularly when I look at some of the threads on here about things like the 7+ exams

It’s a mentality I just don’t understand

I'm sure your children will thank you.

I never did and I was shocked when I found out that other parents did, usually the "laid back" ones who claimed to not be competitive

You could say we "coached" our son for the 11+, but basically it was just a matter of buying him study/revision books and "encouraging" him to work through them, with us helping him as and when he needed it. We certainly didn't sit him down and formally "teach" him things. We gave him the tools to practice and effectively teach himself. He'd spend maybe an hour every few days during the Summer school holiday ready to take the 11+ at the start of October. No formal private tuition, no hot-housing etc.

The only other thing we did was for him to take a "mock" 11+ exam provided by a local 11+ tutor who rented a church hall and set it up like a proper 11+ classroom, with spaced tables, clock at the front, him and his sister being the invigilators, name stickers, desk numbers, etc., all basically for acclimatisation of exam conditions, followed by him marking the papers and emailing scans of them back to us. It gave our son massive confidence for the real thing having already done similar in exam conditions.

We wouldn't have done any of that if he wasn't already working to the highest standards at Primary school. I know that some of his weaker classmates were "hot housed" by private tuition for a couple of years prior to the 11+ and some of those still failed it, and some of the ones who passed went on to struggle, a couple leaving the grammar after a few years! Son didn't struggle at all (not trying to boast, but just saying how it was), so it was the right place for him. Son turned out fine, a brilliant set of GCSEs and A levels, then a first in Maths at Uni, with no obvious ill-effects - remained a happy, friendly, popular lad throughout his teen years, no stresses nor anxieties etc. We'd not have gone down that route if he didn't want to do it and wasn't capable, and we'd have quickly withdrawn him if he was starting to struggle in any way.

It really depends on the child. Being a state primary, ours did no preparation for it, but the private school just down the road did, and the best schools locally are Grammars. Obviously we wanted to give them an equal chance so of course we took them to 11+ classes and we helped them at home as well. I would have preferred not to have the grammar school system at all, but it's there, and we obviously want the best school for our children. They got very good results and both went to the chosen grammar.

Placemarking

I've not done it but worked in schools & seen other parents do it. Definitely there's an element of everyone else is doing it/don't want to get left behind. There are some mums who don't work who tend to micro manage their dcs lives as I think it gives them a goal.

It's difficult, one of the schools I worked in was highly sought after & getting in without tutoring would be rare.

One of my neighbours underestimated the extreme competition in London & after their dc talking a load of tests only got one private school which isn't their preferred choice. He's getting extensive tutoring now.

I do it as it is called supporting. Year 4 does the Romans at school I buy a book about the romans, we go to the Roman baths, we look at Roman coins, politics, the senate, we watch Mary Beard and horrible histories, we look at how they keep rabbits - we look at a map. We do Roman numerals in maths. - why wouldn’t you? It’s not horrid it’s fine and normal.

I did 4 hours per day in lock down 7 days a week - their schools did nothing I’m glad I did. They both have drive and look up podcasts, recently in a book shop my daughter was reading the language of flowers - our house is heaving with books and board games and documentary dvd - it’s called being interested…..

others call it tutoring I call it support

I do it as it is called supporting. Year 4 does the Romans at school I buy a book about the romans, we go to the Roman baths, we look at Roman coins, politics, the senate, we watch Mary Beard and horrible histories, we look at how they keep rabbits - we look at a map. We do Roman numerals in maths. - why wouldn’t you? It’s not horrid it’s fine and normal.

That's fairly intensive though & many world struggle to do that around other dc, work, activities etc.

I dont think this is what you mean but my kide go to good London comp (38% 7-9) and I pay for
Year 9- 5hr tuition for 6 Gcse subjects (will cover science from yr10 and other subject will be dance and does 4hr dance anyway @ grade 5

Year 7- 4hr english and maths. Maths is very bright so does 3h of advanced challenges etc

Year 5- does 2hr 11+ prep (not doing 11+)

Two kids Im hoping get mostly grade 7 and the middle one grade 9s (got 115+ in SATs).

Not sure is enough??

If your child is in a selective school and hits a bad patch, it can be really obvious and unpleasant. The pace may be fast with not much time to catch up.

Mostly people do what seems to be normal in their social circle.

So I've been on both sides, so to speak. I wasn't tutored as a child. My parents didn't believe in it, to be blunt, but they wanted me to sit exams for selective schools (our local comp was horrific. Seriously horrific!). I remember sitting to do the 11+ and was just in a complete frenzied panic. I can still remember how anxious I felt now. It was awful and I really resented the fact that my parents didn't try to prepare me better for it.

I now have three primary aged children and all of them have tutoring. It's the absolute best decision myself and DH ever made for them if I'm honest. They are so so lucky to have some wonderful tutors they see every week who help them and someone for me, as a mum, to speak to and get actual feedback about how they're doing. That's something I don't get from their school. They aren't at a private school, admittedly, but an "outstanding" primary with small class sizes and fabulous facilities. But the teaching is atrocious. And how can a teacher with 30 students have a teaching style that suits all the kids? They can't! My kids are SO different from each other and learn in such different ways - they've really benefited from a more individual approach.

For eg, my middle child was just coasting. He was clearly "switched on" (fantastic memory, very logical brain) but just not getting anywhere with school and the teachers just let him plod along. He also has ADHD and dyslexia and he's really benefited from someone 1-2-1 going through the work with him.

We're not hothousing by any stretch, but supporting their learning and ensuring they have every opportunity available to them.

I didn't mean to write such a long comment, but I think people's views of what tutoring is is very far removed from the reality of what most tutoring is today. We took a while to find good tutors and had some awful experiences if I'm honest (a chaotic classroom style set up, a former teacher who came to the house and gave me and DH the creeps, and a very well known franchise who were really poor) until after about 12 months we found a tuition company we liked.

@ibizaLover85 are your dc actually struggling? Why are you doing 2 hours 11+ when child is not doing 11+?

I went to a very good London state school (still is) & the only tutor I had was for the subject I needed support in.

Not in the UK, but absolutely I encouraged our children to do their best, and to enhance the studying they did at school.
School covered the basics, we helped them explore all the other things.
As it stands , some that involved extra lessons, sometimes a trip or visit to the museum, library, finding docs, basically anything that further enriched what they were working on.
These extras helped them in school, but also taught them to expand their abilities in other ways too.

We have the same in SW London.

Basically it’s self perpetuating. Other parents tutor, so you feel your child won’t get into XYZ highly competitive school unless you tutor too, even if your child is bright - because there are a lot of kids who are bright and tutored and they will get the spots. (Top 5-10% of natural ability can get in without tutoring but there’s a lot of competition in the next level down from that).

Sports, it’s the same. Your kid may be naturally decent at hockey but they won’t get picked for the team above someone who is naturally decent and has been getting coached at a hockey club since the age of 4. So you sign up for the club because you don’t want your DC left behind the others.

If there could be a parent wide pact to end the madness it would help, but the sharp elbowed would just break it 🤷‍♀️

My dc do an instrument each & both have a few sports activities but that's where I think private schools often best state

beat

My dc are at a non selective prep. Some of the dc are tutored ( mine aren’t although they did do Atom before their year 6 assessments). Honestly, some dc do still struggle. Private schools are not just full of high achievers and at my dc’s school some parents have chosen it precisely because their dc are not academic and they think smaller classes will help. In some cases that’s still not enough and they benefit from 1-1 support.

My DC are very sporty. Are any of them going to make a living from sport? Highly unlikely. However, they are motivated, competitive and want to succeed at the level they are capable of (whatever that may be). If we didn't provide the opportunities for them then they would be frustrated and disappointed.

For those who were brought up like this, did it work, did it get you anywhere, what kind of person are you and would you do the same for your kids??

I went to uni, got a degree in something unrelated to my current field. My dad worked abroad to earn enough to pay our school fees (he earned more in a month than I do in a year). My siblings and I have “rebelled” against it. We all prioritise family time. Some of us have declined promotions that would take away from that. We all have strong faith and give a lot of our time / do charity work to support the most vulnerable. I’m not “anti” public schools, it gives children opportunities and options that they may not get at the local state. We can’t afford to do it for our children though.

I'm in Scotland and have never heard of kids being tutored at primary school level.

At secondary, tutoring generally only seems to be in a subject which the child is struggling with.

These are really interesting perspectives.

I think there’s a difference between academic tutoring at state and tutoring at private… I’d call that closing the gap rather than trying to extend an advantage.

At private schools though, with the exception of a subject where a child might be behind, or if they have SEN, I don’t see how it’s anything other than throwing money at any opportunity to try to walk over other people.

I don’t understand what it teaches kids about self awareness and self motivation… identifying gaps themselves and working on fixing them.

In response to pp who said “it’s not tutoring, it’s support”. You’ve spectacularly missed the point on what this mindset is about achieving. And at what expense?

For those who work in schools, do you welcome these parents? Do you want them? Are the kids happy? Do they know how to fail??

My kids are in competitive north London private schools. They each had 1 tutor for 6 months of 11+ prep (1 hr per week) because their primary school didn't do exam prep. Otherwise they have no tutoring and no helicoptering. I work full time and don't have time to sit over their homework. But they seem to be doing ok.