Why do you coach / tutor your private school DC

[ResoluteRaccoon]

I’m a private school parent and DC are at a “prestigious” school locally in N London. We didn’t know it was prestigious until we moved here.

Over the past couple of years I’ve had the misfortune of going through the 11+ process, DS is a couple of years off.

What I’ve witnessed over this time has utterly astounded me. The level of tutoring (and by the way that includes parents who almost make it their career to coach their kids themselves), private sports coaching (on top of multiple club sessions a week), and general helicoptering over every aspect of the kids’ lives has astounded me. The pressure to be “elite”, to live up to expectations deep rooted in I don’t know what… just seems desperately unhealthy.

My question is why do you do it? What are you trying to achieve that you can’t already get from buying your kids an advantage in life (as someone who has kids at private school)? How do you think your kids will feel about it all when they look back in the future? Where do your expectations come from, are they deep rooted in something you either did or didn’t achieve? Do you do it because everyone else does it? How do you feel about OTHER people doing it, do you see them as a threat? Should I be doing it??

I desperately do not want to get swept up in it all but it’s EVERYWHERE.

For those who were brought up like this, did it work, did it get you anywhere, what kind of person are you and would you do the same for your kids??

Thanks all, I just want some perspective on whether IABU to feel the worlds worst FOMO for not buying into it.

I don’t see how it’s anything other than throwing money at any opportunity to try to walk over other people

Doesn’t this apply to private school itself though? Throwing money at trying to advantage your kids? I am not sure why you think private school is ok but extra tutoring or coaching on top isn’t?

I work full time, I’m a single parent, we do other hobbies eg tennis, paddle boarding. It might be a lot for some people - we enjoy it here. Over an entire half term it’s not a lot, reading was about the Romans, Maths - Roman numerals - nice day trip out couple of programme of iplayer.

We don’t watch TV Monday to Friday admittedly as we don’t have time. But I don’t see learning about stuff as boring or intensive

Doesn’t this apply to private school itself though? Throwing money at trying to advantage your kids? I am not sure why you think private school is ok but extra tutoring or coaching on top isn’t?

Yes, surely it's the same thing

@Peacendkindness I was more talking to taking that approach to every topic they did as opposed to just the Romans.

I don't think anyone would think learning is boring but I do personally think your approach could be difficult to replicate. And people who can't do that I wouldn't see as not supporting their dc.

For those who work in schools, do you welcome these parents? Do you want them? Are the kids happy? Do they know how to fail??

I've see dc in absolute states just before an 11+ test & I feel so sorry for them. Same with sports,it's great to learn sport but most dc aren't going to be Andy Murray or Messi so they don't need such intensive regimes or pressure. Play dates or just play time/down time often gets neglected imo.

Yes I think in many cases it does, even as a private school parent myself I agree. It’s one of the reasons I am so astounded by the notion that people feel the need to throw even more money at the perceived problem

I do it as it is called supporting. Year 4 does the Romans at school I buy a book about the romans, we go to the Roman baths, we look at Roman coins, politics, the senate, we watch Mary Beard and horrible histories, we look at how they keep rabbits - we look at a map. We do Roman numerals in maths. - why wouldn’t you

Why wouldn’t you? Is that a serious question? Because it all sounds like a massive ball ache that could easily backfire.

2 reasons:

1. They enjoy it (we're lucky enough to be friends with a brilliant tutor).

1. It helps them.

Both of them love Maths and do really well in it. The tutor can consolidate what they do in school and teach them extra stuff which interests them, plus just have a bit of a laugh with them.

There are other subjects they like less and do less well in, but they wouldn't enjoy spending extra time on those, so we don't.

It’s one of the reasons I am so astounded by the notion that people feel the need to throw even more money at the perceived problem

i think a lot is panic & fear.

Panic and fear of what though? Of what people think of the kids, or of what people think of the parents?

imagine being the kid who knew that the only reason you had “excelled” was because your parents were so ashamed you might fail in their eyes or those of others if left to your own devices, so that they had to use whatever means they had financially to give you a leg up over everyone else.

And yes - this is also relevant within private schools but I think to a lesser degree than people within private schools who feel the need to pay thousands more to “support” their kid.

imagine being the kid who knew that the only reason you had “excelled” was because your parents were so ashamed you might fail in their eyes or those of others if left to your own devices, so that they had to use whatever means they had financially to give you a leg up over everyone else.

Do kids think like that?

From my view, that's better than having parents who don't give a second thought about your education, so you fail and fail (all on your own) and confidence is so low... until you find people who have to convince you that you are worthy of more. (And that you're smart enough to achieve it).

Also why would the child assume two loving parents were ashamed of them failing? Rather than trying to give them opportunities they perhaps had or didn't have?

@capbottle not to drip feed but the yr9 has mild inattentive ADHD so this 1-2-1 I use DLA towards (DLA is £388 a month but the tutoring is about £600 a month)

Honestly no none are struggling. I went to statw grammar and RG and now well paid in banking and I dont want worse for my kids

DH refuses to pay private (£16pa in NE London) and tbh I think paying effectively 50% of the cost in tutors instead may hopefully give same 7-9 outcome.

DH and I are both top 10% earners and did 2 degrees so is some inherited intelligence there I hope!

Yr5 is competitive and wants to stretch herself and her peers have turoring. Shes GD in everything (just). Good to be in the practice IMO before I ramp it up in yr7 at high schl

Has anyone else taken this approach (6h a week 121 to prop up state) and got good results ?

Our son goes to a private school and the support they receive is jaw dropping. Therefore we haven’t tutored him in anything as there is no need. He’s just done well at GSCEs and all we did was help him make and stick to a revision timetable. (Obviously we talk about school and he’s always had lots of books, etc).
Friends of ours have their kids in a good state school but they are supporting their weaker subjects with tutoring. They don’t really want to spend the money but feel they have to because the school isn’t going to give them the attention they need in those areas with large classes.
Both private schools and tutoring are a symptom of the problem that state education is not good enough. It should be, but it can’t be on the paltry budgets provided, so it’s never going to get the excellent results you see in private schools because of all the advantages of resources and selection biases that the private schools get. Sad but true. In an ideal world we would pay more tax and all schools would be level and they would all have smaller classes, extra curricular activities and support at both ends of the ability spectrum. But that’s not the world we live in.
In the meantime I volunteer part time in my local state schools, working with at least one child who can’t read better than a 4 year old at the age of 11. His parents certainly couldn’t afford any of this, and the school hasn’t been able to give him the daily 1-1 he needs either. Honestly, I despair.

As a PP upthread has said, I believe it is getting caught up in the rat race and self-perpetuating cycle. I am doing all I can not to get carried away into any of this although, admittedly, my children are on the younger end where it is still the minority being tutored rather than the majority. I don't doubt this will change as the next year or two passes and I am trying to stay out of it entirely.

I don't believe for a single second that any of it is to do with parents being ashamed of their child failing as another PP has alluded to. In my experience, the parents are all doing what they believe is the best outcome for their child. It has nothing to do with saving face and everything to do with trying to give them the best possible start in life. Is pushing them so hard the right way to go about it? In my opinion, it depends on the child and some will thrive and need the push, others need a gentler approach

It was me, one of the rationales I hear all the time is “oh it’s because we are worried s/he won’t get in”… [to a top 10 school in the country], as opposed to actually apply to maybe a top 50 or top 100 school that might suit them better.

My DD is at private school. She has slow processing and struggles to retain knowledge. We have been paying for a private tutor since she was in y4 and she is now doing her final GCSE year and if she's very lucky the tutoring will make the difference between a level 3 and a level 4. She needs four level 4 passes to do the level 3 college course she wants to do and if the tutoring helps her get there it will be worth it.

It sometimes seems such a waste of money to be paying for private school knowing she may leave with no level 4 passes but she's happy and feels safe in the smaller classes.

DS did his final 2yrs of primary in a private school. The 11+ support was decent but not hothouse level.

I paid for him to have a weekly tutor in his weakest subject on the basis that he was definitely able enough to get into his chosen selective school, but tutoring might get him to scholarship level. Calculated risk.

Paid out just over £2k extra and we’re saving nearly £30k over the secondary period. Not a bad investment…

Many parents in the London area believe their children need to go to the best school to get the best results. Personally, I think a very good school - like you said, top 50 or 100 - will get the same results out of a capable child, especially when you’re paying fees as the investment is there. I would go down the route of the latter to avoid the hell that is 11+ prep for a top 10 school!

For those who go for top 10, I don’t believe it’s anything other than parents wanting their child to achieve the best they’re capable of. They seem to be misinformed that there are many ways of doing that

@Knackeredandalsotired Might have misunderstood but why was state grammar good enough but not state primary ? Find it really hypocritical how some parents game the system like this, denying clever kids from less affluent families the chance for a grammar school place.

I think it’s also because the 11+ (not sure if all areas, I’m talking about Kent) tests content that hasn’t been taught yet eg year 6 maths, with the test taking place at the very start of year 6. So unless you tutor it’s a real disadvantage for your child, who would be unaccustomed to the layout of the tests AND a load of the content. It’s not impossible to pass well without tutoring, and of course some kids do, but harder for most.