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Original poster

Why am I getting nothing from Online dating?

59 replies

Privatelyliving · 11/09/2023 16:44

It's my first tentative attempt and apart from a handful of no effort messages (how ru?) I've had nothing. Not may likes either.

I think my profile's OK. Photos are all recent, natural and smiley. I'm 53, IMO I look a lot younger than most of the 53yo men who have liked me! I'm not glamourous but I don't think I look awful. In my blurb I've been positive, mentioned a number of interests and that DC are adults.

I haven't said what I'm looking for because I'm not sure. I'm not looking for "the one" but I'm also not looking for ONS.

FTB I'm going with the fact that I sound too independent and not miserable enough , Grin but I'd guess it's something else.

A lot of the men have written practically nothing in their profile?

If I'm honest I only joined to have a little play with it and see what happens, but I didn't expect it to be absolutely nothing!

OP posts:
Summer2424 · 11/09/2023 20:45

Hi @Privatelyliving
I swiped day and night on Tinder and eventually found my now husband. Don't give up, keep going. Hope you find your perfect match soon xx

RocketIceLollie · 11/09/2023 21:04

You're in your 50s. Perhaps lower your criteria a man must meet. He must be this, he must be that...that ideal man in your age range is probably not going to exist.

Also as someone above wrote, perhaps try and chat to the boring ice breaker message guys. Unless you send out top class ice breaker messages yourself you are not really in a position to criticise.

Floofydawg · 11/09/2023 21:42

RocketIceLollie · 11/09/2023 21:04

You're in your 50s. Perhaps lower your criteria a man must meet. He must be this, he must be that...that ideal man in your age range is probably not going to exist.

Also as someone above wrote, perhaps try and chat to the boring ice breaker message guys. Unless you send out top class ice breaker messages yourself you are not really in a position to criticise.

Sorry but if it were me I'd rather be alone than with a shit man. No reason why you can't have standards just because you're in your 50's. And anyway, the OP hasn't even particularly said that she does have very high standards. She just doesn't want an old man who doesn't look after himself. Which is absolutely fair enough.

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General relationships
Original poster
Privatelyliving · 11/09/2023 21:45

Floofydawg · 11/09/2023 21:42

Sorry but if it were me I'd rather be alone than with a shit man. No reason why you can't have standards just because you're in your 50's. And anyway, the OP hasn't even particularly said that she does have very high standards. She just doesn't want an old man who doesn't look after himself. Which is absolutely fair enough.

Show quote history

Absolutely. I don't need a man, not even 100% sure I want one, just considering my options. If I don't like them I won't bother. I'm very much enjoying being single, but I do miss sex.

OP posts:
aurynne · 11/09/2023 22:02

Men can "target" whatever they want, but women are not obliged to indulge them in their fantasies. OLD is full of fat, scruffy, ugly men in their 50s "targeting" 30 years olds... but guess what... they don't get any.

Don't lower your standards, in fact raise them! Women have the pick of the choices.

And by the way, good looking intelligent men in real life are not "looking for younger women". Not in my experience. Plenty of independent, intelligent women around me are either single, or paired up with equally intelligent men their own age or younger. I've recently bagged one who is younger than me, good looking and has an amazing brain. But if you already start the journey with low self-confidence, then yes, you'll be the dream of a hopeful old bugger.

Men want women to believe that we will miss out if we don't settle. Of course they want that. They're in fact desperate for women to believe that. Don't believe their bullshit.

fetchacloth · 11/09/2023 22:06

Privatelyliving · 11/09/2023 19:39

OMG. I've just had a message that begins "hello beautiful soul...." And another that says "hi darling...."

I quite liked men before I started this.

OMG that's put me right off 😏

RocketIceLollie · 11/09/2023 22:33

There seems to be a odd stand off in dating between men and woman at the moment. You see it all over tiktok etc. Men are this, woman are that. There are no good woman, no good men. My criteria is this. I'm happy by myself but yet here I am bemoaning modern dating etc. It seems pretty obvious looking on from the outside that modern dating is very broken at the moment.

Back to the point in question and your reply, it might be worth figuring out what it is you want from OLD first.

Original poster
Privatelyliving · 12/09/2023 08:41

I think I'm going to give up. I got a mutal like from a man who'd mentioned a common interest in his profile. I'd recently been to a flagship event related to the interest, so I sent a short chatty message about that. Left it wide open for him to ask more about it or mention anything similar he's done or ask me something unrelated. The response? "jealous". I nearly gave up then, but one more attempt, I asked a direct question about the interest, which he's answered with one word. Why bother at all?

OP posts:
NDWifeandMan · 12/09/2023 08:43

You're 53. How many quality men of your age group are going to be on dating apps? The few that aren't already happily married, as well.
Most people I know in a similar situation met their partners at real-life events.

Dating apps are for the younglings... join a Meetup group, social club or something.

Original poster
Privatelyliving · 12/09/2023 08:46

NDWifeandMan · 12/09/2023 08:43

You're 53. How many quality men of your age group are going to be on dating apps? The few that aren't already happily married, as well.
Most people I know in a similar situation met their partners at real-life events.

Dating apps are for the younglings... join a Meetup group, social club or something.

Edited

I've done loads of that and made some really good friends of both sexes. I'm reluctant to use those to find dates though because the groups and friendships have become really important to me in their own right and I don't want to mess things up! Also I seem to have been friend zoned by the eligible men, but tbh they're more useful to me as friends than as potential partners anyway.

OP posts:
barbarahunter · 12/09/2023 08:57

It's often said on here that online dating is just a numbers game: if you do it enough, you will end up with someone nice. The miserable part is trawling through all the liars, nutters and weirdos etc.
I have had long term relationships in my life with a couple of men I met from online dating sites (not at the same time!) so I think that there is hope. You just need patience and a sense of humour. Also, don't make it a big priority, just log in when you have a few minutes to spare and generally get on with your life in other ways.

Floofydawg · 12/09/2023 09:57

Privatelyliving · 12/09/2023 08:41

I think I'm going to give up. I got a mutal like from a man who'd mentioned a common interest in his profile. I'd recently been to a flagship event related to the interest, so I sent a short chatty message about that. Left it wide open for him to ask more about it or mention anything similar he's done or ask me something unrelated. The response? "jealous". I nearly gave up then, but one more attempt, I asked a direct question about the interest, which he's answered with one word. Why bother at all?

God, men are dicks aren't they.

Outdamnspot23 · 12/09/2023 10:05

I think it’s the website you choose - worth reading up on the various ones and how they differ. I found one of them was full of absolute rubbish and one or two others were fine. There’s no law that says you can only be on one so maybe try another one? Hinge is supposed to be quite good but doubtless there will be others I haven’t heard of.

POF I think was the worst one I saw!

there might be one specifically for sporty/active people?

Empra123 · 12/09/2023 10:23

I met my partner on Our Time.

PermanentTemporary · 12/09/2023 10:26

Wow is that 3 of us 9n this thread who met partners on Our Time? I decided at 51 I wanted to be on a site where I was a hot young property 😬

User63847439572 · 12/09/2023 10:35

Im new to it too and it’s a definite needle in a haystack situation!
Im finding bumble ok - I like that there are no unsolicited messages and that people I chat to can’t see when/if I’ve read their message or if I’m online

I wrote my profile then realised from reading lots of male ones how samey they all are! So I mixed mine up a bit and tried to avoid the standard stuff of liking walks in the country, pub lunch, equally happy staying in, time with friends yada yada…. 🥱 doesn’t everyone like those things? Tried to think what makes me a bit different and what would attract the kind of person I want to attract, as I know I like profiles that are a bit different with a bit of humour.

still - I am no expert whatsoever, meeting someone for coffee later I’m not at all sure about and don’t have big butterflies about meeting or anything but thought it would be good practice and you never know!

good luck!

apostrophewoman · 12/09/2023 10:40

I'm on Hinge and did meet one man through there that I was with for a year, but he turned out to be a dick as well. I've been OLD for a few years, also 53, and can totally relate to the vileness. Big fat face selfies, staring at the camera with no expression. Not to mention the fish/golf/car pictures, the ones in sunglasses because they're so cool, the 'laying in bed looking sexy' pictures. Ugh, they all get a swipe left. It seems to be full of prematurely old fat necked men who just want to be looked after, or horrifically sporty lycra sorts. I couldn't imagine getting jiggy with any of these 😳I have to say I've never had a dick pic though. I love being single, but would also like to be with someone; however, I think lots of men really do consider they're doing us lonely, musty fusty old birds a favour and never consider that they have very little to offer.

Anewnamea · 12/09/2023 10:44

Also as someone above wrote, perhaps try and chat to the boring ice breaker message guys. Unless you send out top class ice breaker messages yourself you are not really in a position to criticise.

I agree with this. OP is your issue just that the opening line is bland? Or is it that the chat stays boring? If it’s the former then I think you should try and give a little by providing a better response and seeing where it leads the conversation. If the man is still being low effort sure end the conversation but it seems odd not to give it a chance because of a low effort opener? I mean at least the man did bother messaging first.

Btw, I was on match and I didn’t like it, due to my age I had quite a few likes in the first few weeks but I felt there was a lot of married men on there and just didn’t like the look of them . I don’t know why but I just got that feeling about a lot of them that they were married . I much prefer Hinge. Haven’t tried tinder yet.

I’m late 30s and do think unfortunately some of the men in their mid 50s are going for my age group but I filter them out on Hinge as I don’t date men more than 5 years older.

Original poster
Privatelyliving · 12/09/2023 12:52

I know I was guilty of sitting back and letting the do the leg work, but then I tried with what I thought was a genuinely engaging opening message, it was definitely an effort at one, and got very blunt responses, leaving nowhere to go next. That's almost worse than no response!

OP posts:
autumn1610 · 12/09/2023 13:25

Depends what you’re looking for. I am a massive fan of Feeld atm. It’s a lot more open that other sites and a lot is for hook ups/FWB type set ups but I have had some really good dates and a higher quality of guy too.

Anewnamea · 12/09/2023 18:06

Privatelyliving · 12/09/2023 12:52

I know I was guilty of sitting back and letting the do the leg work, but then I tried with what I thought was a genuinely engaging opening message, it was definitely an effort at one, and got very blunt responses, leaving nowhere to go next. That's almost worse than no response!

Well in that case at least you know have tried. I’ve had a few of those matches were the man gave closed and abrupt responses to my questions. I delete those matches within minutes as I suspect those men are just on there looking for an ego boost with zero intention of making genuine connections

Perhaps try other apps to see how things go there.

NDWifeandMan · 12/09/2023 22:39

Privatelyliving · 12/09/2023 08:46

I've done loads of that and made some really good friends of both sexes. I'm reluctant to use those to find dates though because the groups and friendships have become really important to me in their own right and I don't want to mess things up! Also I seem to have been friend zoned by the eligible men, but tbh they're more useful to me as friends than as potential partners anyway.

Show quote history

I'm not talking about general socials apols if it was unclear. I'm talking about things specifically for singles?

Disastersaurus · 12/09/2023 22:52

You know how difficult it is for you? Well it's just as difficult for men as well. And they often also have the added problems that they're knobs, they've already been dumped because they're knobs, and they're really insecure because they've not had sex for 5 years. Because they're knobs.

asecretslob · 13/09/2023 04:36

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PetiteNasturtium · 13/09/2023 07:54

@Blough The comment you made about decent men not needing an app to meet women I wonder if men think the same of women.

I must admit a one word answer would not especially put me off it would just make me change tack. Matching or complimentary hobbies are very important in my personal opinion.

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