I don’t want to do the school run for high school WWYD?

[LadyOutside]

My DD has started secondary school this week. My DS is already there. She’s got 2 friends Amy and Lisa (not real names) who live close to us.

When my DS started he got the bus from the 1st day with his friend Paul (not real name). When covid happened Paul’s dad started taking them in the car instead which has continued since then. They usually walk home though as the bus is unreliable. It’s less than 2 miles away and down hill, it takes about 25 mins.

Paul’s dad would be happy to take my DD too however she naturally wants to go with her own friends. Amy’s dad has been taking them in the car every day as he says it’s on his way to work anyway. Lisa’s mum has been doing the pick ups at home time.

Lisa’s mum has now asked us to arrange which days we will be doing pick ups as she doesn’t want to do it every day. I said I would do 2 days next week but I really don’t want to do this all the time! I think it’s ridiculous and they are quite capable of walking home like my DS. I hate the school run and I just don’t want to do it now they’re at high school! I am actually doing 2 days a week in the morning from now on for my DS, Paul and DD (if she wants to join us, but she’s chosen to go with Amy instead). I’m sucking this up because it is easier for them to get a lift in the mornings, the bus service is rubbish and it’s all up hill.

The problem is I feel I have to do pick ups as well otherwise I will be a CF if my DD accepts lifts and we don’t reciprocate. She can’t walk with her brother as he has extra gcse classes and I don’t want her walking on her own. I think Amy’s parents might be OK with her walking but Lisa’s mum seems to think her DD can’t and I don’t want to create an awkward situation by refusing to do it.

Ugh what would you do in this situation?

You say they are quite capable of walking on their own

But you also say you don’t want your DD walking alone and she can’t walk with her brother due to extra classes

So in reality you aren’t happy with her walking, as you can’t dictate that a friend always walks with her

I think you need to share pick up lifts for now but say something like “once they’re a bit older hopefully they can walk together instead”

OR you can check with Amy’s mum if she is definitely happy for Amy to walk with your DD. If so you can say to Lisa’s mum that “Amy and DD will be walking home together from X date, does Lisa want to join them”.

I do think reciprocation is required.

If you really think they should be walking, speak to the other 2 parents to see if they agree.
But it's either walk every day or parents share the lifts out.
Anything else is cheeky

I'd be happy my DD has a friend and do everything in my power to continue fostering it.

But I'd want to pick up Fridays and another day in the week. Friday's would be McDonalds for us all night on the way home.

They're old enough to walk, let them walk.

I don’t want her walking on her own.

Then you have no argument. Reciprocate the lifts.

What would you do if the friends were not there ?

If you would pick her up because you don't want her walking alone , then you join in the pick up rota and be glad that you don't have to do it every day

If you would make her walk then you need to talk to the other parents and say that you won't be giving lifts because it means more driving for you than you expected and it doesn't work for you

Walking is good for them - fitness , low carbon , mental health , learning independence

Id say thanks so much for offering DD a lift occasionally. It’s very kind and we don’t expect you to do it all the time!

I’ll do lifts when I can, but my schedule means I’m not able to do it most of the time. I’m very happy for dd to get the bus.

If you don't want her walking on her own then you have to partake in the lift share

Yabu....you can't expect other parents to give lifts and never reciprocate.

Agree with all the others - if you don’t want her walking alone, you have to do your share of the picks ups. Anything else would be highly CF.

You really are being a CF. You've done so well out of lifts, a couple of pick ups a week is nothing. I would be simmering at you if I was the other parent.

I think you’ve been in clover for some time with Paul’s dad doing all the lifts, and now Amy’s dad offering too.

Tell the other parents that your deal with your DC has been that you’ll help with morning lifts, but that you expect them to get the bus or walk home. So whilst you’ve been happy to do a couple of pick ups this first week, you can’t commit to a rota in the afternoons. Then tell your DD she’ll need to walk or get the bus.

What’s the issue with the route back, why can’t they walk - is it particularly dangerous?

My DCs have always walked to school and back, or got the bus. It’s about a 25 minute walk. Sometimes they walk with friends or sometimes on their own. Me and DH are at work at that time so there’s no other option.

So you either join in with the lift shares, or decide you are happy for them to walk. You can’t have it both ways!

‘Happy to share the morning runs but hoping they start walking home in the afternoon?’ But only if you’re happy with her walking alone (and she’ll actually do it)?

But widely - I hate getting involved with reciprocal (and non-reciprocal) arrangements.

I'd pick up twice a week if you want her to have lifts in the morning. In any case, once the after school clubs get up and running, your DD might not be attending the same ones.

Not sure what the problem is with walking home alone, though? There's bound to be other kids walking downhill at the same time and she'll be able to make new friends that way instead of being restricted to ones you already know.

I think you need to decide if she can walk or not. If she is accepting a regular lift you need to reciprocate. If you don't want to get involved in lifts then you tell your dd she must use the bus and walk.

I don't blame you not wanting to drive to school when two reasonable alternatives - bus and walking - exist.
Don't get trapped into giving lifts just because that is the choice of other families.

I wouldn’t want to be getting into a reciprocal driving thing for kids in secondary school either. I think just tel the other parent “I’ve told DD that, like her brother, I won’t be giving her lifts home from school. I want them to get some independence by busing or walking home”.

could you offer this woman’s DD a lift to school on the days you have agreed to drive DD, DS and his friend?

Even if DDs friend is able to walk with her when they're older this doesn't solve your problem because what happens when the friend is off sick? If you want DD to walk at some point then you have to be comfortable with her occasionally being on her own.

Paul's Dad is a complete sucker.

I'd put it out there that now that they are at high school it would be great if they can bus or walk.

Unless somebody else is around to do the ferrying, then it's fine.

Do you work OP? If you do, and your hours clash with pick-up then it is reasonable to not do a lift-share. On the other hand, if you don't work (or your hours mean you are available at home-time) then I think you should at least offer to do a couple of days a week. You've benefited from other people's generosity and now it is payback time.

Is it a safe route where there are lots of other children/ people walking to school/work, in a built up area as opposed to countryside.

To be honest a 25 minute walk is nothing, what reason is there that you don't want your daughter to walk