An incompetent SAHM 😂

[NotNewButNameChanged2023]

I have very newly taken on the SAHM role….and I mean I’m only 10 days in to it 😂

But by God I feel exhausted already!!!!

The stressful mornings….repeatedly asking the the kids to eat their cereal, get dressed and brush their teeth whilst I’m trying to sort myself out, getting their packed lunches ready, making sure all their school stuff is in their bag…

Then comes the walk to the school and trying to usher the youngest one along so we aren’t late…

Then it’s back home to clean up after breakfast and get the washing and housework done alongside preparing dinner and doing my studying (which I’m doing to eventually go into a new job role).

Then it’s pick the kids up, cook the dinner, get them ready for any after school activities, clean up after dinner, shimmy them along to get in the bath, brush their teeth, do their homework, do their reading, get into bed etc etc

By the time 9pm comes (when the eldest goes to bed) I am DRAINED!!!

I have to take paracetamol most nights to cope with the banging headache 😂

I’ve just got back from the school run and I’m looking at my laptop and study books and all I want to do is go and hide under my duvet!

This is all said lightheartedly but God I miss work 😂

Just reading your post made me feel exhausted. Being a SAHM is like Groundhog Day!
Few things to help from a super organised person, not trying to condescend so I hope it doesn't come across this way. When you've come home from dropping the kids to school and before cleaning up the breakfast stuff could you whack a meal in the slow cooker, and then clean everything up. Then dinner is prepared and you've done the cleaning up so the kitchen is clear, and that's one less thing for you to do when the kids come home from school. If the slow cooker meal is a bit boring maybe make a couple of easy side dishes (salad, wedges, flatbreads etc) to make the meal more interesting for the kids.
And even though you're exhausted from the day, getting packed lunches and school bags ready the night before seems to really help to make mornings feel less chaotic.

Just remember being a mum is tough and you're doing a bloody good job!

Surely with work you/kids' dad just have to do all that stuff anyway though? You still have to get your kids ready/to school and then pick them up do dinner/homework, clean your home, etc. whether you are a SAHM or a working parent.

I don't doubt being a SAHP is hard, but when they are at school during the day then surely you aren't really doing any more than a working parent does, with the bonus that you have the hours they are at school to do some of it v having to do it outside of work hours. How was it actually different when you worked? Just interested!

That was roughly what I was going to say, though. What was different when you worked? Surely making children eat their cereal, chivvying them out the door, school run etc, after school activities, housework, cooking etc needs to be done regardless? I do all that, split with DH, and work FT.

Or are you saying your spouse/partner used to share these equally when you both worked, and now they are all your job?

It’s different because now there is no escape, no downtime. I’m either dealing with housework drudgery or managing the kids.

When I worked everything was shared 50/50 whereas now most things naturally fall to me.

But the absolute biggest difference is that my life is just this house and the children.

My job meant I could escape the home and have some breathing time to just be myself. I worked in a very social job so I had lots of people to talk to…..whereas now my social life consists of school gate mums and my children. It’s actually quite isolating.

Work was my chance to re-set myself from day to day, a chance to have a break away from home life. Working meant there was a very clear difference between home life and work life….whereas now all I have is my home life.

I don’t think I would mind it if I didn’t have all my studying to do as well but at the minute it feels like I’m cramming everything in with no time to myself.

Today though I have told myself I will not start my studying until 9.30am whereas normally I start on it the minute I get home from dropping the children off. I’m hoping a 30 minute sit down to have a cup of tea before starting my work will make me feel more prepared for the next 12 hours.

I suppose it’s just getting into a new routine and way of life and it’s a case of figuring out the best way to do it.

Yes all that stuff was done when I worked, but the difference was that work was an escape!! I knew that no matter how stressful the mornings were or how full on the evenings would be, I would have 8 hours to myself a day where I could just be me. It was a break from home life and parenting.

I am a SAHM with school age children, one of whom has a disability. I’m not studying, though I do average 2.5 days of volunteering a week. It’s an absolute piece of cake compared to working, or being a SAHM of little ones.

I have absolutely no idea how you are so exhausted from pretty normal stuff like packed lunches that surely you’d be doing regardless of working. It’s sometimes boring, tedious and thankless but it’s not exactly a major undertaking for a presumably healthy and NT adult to look after their own children before and after school. You’re making a big deal out of not very much - eg checking they have the correct stuff in their bags, unless you have a dozen kids, takes approximately twenty seconds.

Hopefully it’s because it’s all new and you’ll find it easier once you’re in a routine.

When I worked everything was shared 50/50 whereas now most things naturally fall to me.
If you are studying during your previous work hours then your DH needs to share the housework again. Being a SAHP means looking after children/home only during his work hours then it's shared in evenings. You are being taken for a mug.

Ah I do get the mental health aspect of not working, which is separate to the parenting thing I think. I work part-time so some days I have both kids at home (too young for school), sometimes I have just one, sometimes they're at nursery and I'm at work, so some days I have the life of a SAHP and other days not.

If I had six hours in the day to get what I usually have to get done in an hour or so in work days then I'd feel quite zen, but i would find it hard not working at all for my own well-being unrelated to parenting.

I definitely don't think you should be doing all the before and after school stuff yourself though, because then what does your husband do? Even on days I am home with the kids DH does the same with morning routine and we do the same evening routines. Me being at home doesn't absolve him of being a parent when he's at home.

I think being a SAHP with school-age children is a weird beast tbh and not so much about the actual parenting, as you aren't really parenting when the children aren't there. You don't need six hours in the day every day to make dinner and do housework but if you've got nothing else on then I can see how those hours would feel a bit odd. Can you get out of the house with your studying to a cafe or even find a cheap co-working space for some company?

If you are studying full time at home you are NOT a SAHM and therefore it should still be shared 50-50.

If you are studying part time then given your kids are still she, I don't understand why it's more exhausting given all of the things you mention you'd normally do on top of working.

I suppose that depends on the nature of the job you had, though (I mean, I love mine, but it’s challenging, largely solitary, and I can’t say I think of it as an ‘escape’!), but presumably, if it had suited you perfectly, you wouldn’t have quit to retrain?

What is the context for your studies? Are you doing an online degree, and if so, are there no opportunities to have in-person classes/periodic weekend sessions? Are you enjoying the material? How long is the course of study, and will it change your life for the better? Also, do you need to study every second in between school runs? Can you do something sociable that’s just for you?

And does your children’s father live with you? I would expect him to be splitting bathtime, evening chores etc equally, as he did when you were working. Surely you could go out at night sometimes to do something to preserve your sanity?

clean up after dinner, shimmy them along to get in the bath, brush their teeth, do their homework, do their reading, get into bed etc etc

By the time 9pm comes (when the eldest goes to bed) I am DRAINED!!!

Unless your DH doesn't get home from work until after the kids are all in bed, I don't understand why he isn't also involved in cleaning up after dinner, doing baths/reading/bedtimes etc.

But if you worked, you'd still have to do all that stuff surely, and they're at school. I think you need to treat your studying like a job, get out the house if you can - perhaps go to library or a workspace? If you are studying full time you're not a SAHM, and their other parents should be doing a fair share.

I respect all SAHM's. You're all wonderful ❤️

Your op is very different to subsequent posts. You don’t mention isolation at all in the op. That’s a different thing. All the stuff you’re talking about in op, yeah most parents do that as well as working.

But your working day as a sahp doesn’t need to finish at 9pm if your partner is in any way involved. Surely they aren’t sitting around after dinner just because you’re a sahp now.

My DH has increased his hours at work to make up for the fact we’ve lost my income to enable me to study. So he is leaving earlier and then not getting home until it’s almost time for the youngest to go to bed.

I used to be a specialist nurse and my current study is at Post-Grad level. It was a very heavy job and I definitely miss the social aspect of it as well as the work it involved.

My training is related to my speciality and if I pass the course and my exams it will lead to an amazing role.

At the moment I tend to study between 9am - 3pm with taking the odd break to do some housework or eat my lunch.

My course is split into two sections : essential content and then follow-up content.

The exams take place twice a year and I hope to take to exam next April but I have to apply to sit the exam by the end of the December. All the essential content has to have been achieved by the time to apply and this content of the course is estimated to take 6-7 months to complete. However, I only started it three weeks ago which is why I’m cramming hard to make sure I get it done in 4 months instead of the 6 months.

Once I get accepted to sit the exam there is then a 4 month gap where the Follow-up section of the course is carried out, so more training modules and reading etc in preparation for the exams.

My husband is always telling me to back off from doing all the housework but it’s very hard to do that when I’m aware that I’m at home and he’s at work.

As others said ,you will be doing things like School Run .packed lunches anyway? If you dont feel it is working out ,can you go back to work.Also new routine and all that takes time to adjust

My husband is always telling me to back off from doing all the housework but it’s very hard to do that when I’m aware that I’m at home and he’s at work.

You're at home, yes. But it sounds like you're working really hard with the course. I'd listen to him and stop doing all the housework. Treat the studying like a job with set hours between 9-3 (with a lunch break).

Once you've finished studying, will your husband drop his hours again when you get a new role?

You're not really a SAHM you're a full time student.

But because you happen to be studying at home and not on a campus, somehow all the domestic shit work has been piled onto you. No wonder you feel exhausted.

Eliminate a lot of this. Get a cleaner, and while she’s there go and study in the local library
School dinners - mine get packed lunches twice a week but the rest it’s school dins!
Mine also shower independently but they have short hair - understand long hair needs a bit more help for longer
I totally understand- yesterday was first day back for both of mine - I had the dog Walker booked for some other reasons and cleaner came Tuesday so house was spotless. So I had literally nothing I had to do. I sat in the garden reading magazines pretty much until 2pm when I had a nap and then picked up at 3. By 8pm (getting kids in, snacks, having them firing information at me, sorting out eldest new school laptop, dinner prep, cajoling youngest into football kit, picking up his mate, football practice, home again in 30 degree heat, finish and feed them dinner, showers, pack up school
bags, endless bedtime ritual of stories and tidying and kisses) I was DONE. I had two g and ts in front of a fan before my husband got home from work at 10 and then offloaded to me about his day.

I’m working a 13 hour shift on labour ward tomorrow and I won’t feel as frazzled at the end of it as I did last night!

I’m not a SAHM but I work from home and also study around my job so I get it. I’ll share my routine in case it helps?

1. I wake up at 6:30, and immediately pick up the 3 yo and take him to the toilet in my arms. This is how he usually wakes and he loves it. DSD is 18 now and at uni but I used to wake her at 6:45. We have daylight curtains so wake ups are easier. All bags / projects / snack boxes are prepped night before.
2. The children have / had 15 mins to get ready (baths are at nights). I enforce this with bribes.
3. Breakfast is the quickest option possible (usually weetabix with milk or presoaked porridge) and I don’t really mind if they don’t finish it.
4. 7:30 we’re out of the door without fail even if we have to wait at school.
5. 8-9 I get ready. I start work at 9. For a long time my job was to educate DN and so the start time was non-negotiable and everything else could wait in terms of housework. It’s DH’s job to do the washing up so I stockpile everything lol.
6. Pick up at 3 - DH usually did this.
7. Dinner is something quick and easy with the instant pot.
8. Bedtime for 3 yo is 6. Bedtime for DSD was 7 until she was 14 and 8 afterwards but both children went to their rooms by 5:30 to relax / do homework / chill. I then spent 2 hours blitzing through set up for next day while DH corralled the kids into bath time.
9. 8pm-11pm: Study time

That’s absolutely nothing like being a SAHM, that’s basically trying to cram a full time course (equivalent to a job) into less than full time hours, while picking up all the domestic stuff on top and without the opportunities for social stuff that a lot of SAHM have. I feel I should apologise for my earlier post, your later posts are much clearer why you find things difficult.

I’d say you need to drop a lot of the housework (you are effectively working if your course is for your career), and perhaps reconsider whether it’s realistic to do a course in effectively two thirds of the time it usually takes, with domestic responsibilities on top.

Ok, that makes much more sense. Listen to your DH and dial way back on the housework (in your shoes I would get a cleaner for two hours a week — well worth the money).. The key thing here is that you aren’t a SAHM, you’re a student trying to cram for major exams in a very short period under a fair amount of pressure. This isn’t going to last for more than a few months, so you need to prioritise your studies and your MH. The house won’t fall down if it gets dusty. The children won’t starve if you cook them fast and simple things, or if you minimise their after school activities in the short term. Stop thinking of yourself as. SAHM, competent or incompetent. The key thing is to prioritise your MH and put yourself in the best possible place to pass this qualification. It’s not going to be for long — let other things coast.

Yes you aren't a SAHM! You are essentially working from home all day and then doing all the child and house stuff before and after, no wonder you are frazzled and exhausted. Is there nothing that would make life a bit easier? Can your husband work condensed hours on a couple of days to be home to help with bedtimes or mornings sometimes?

If it's a fairly short-term situation then it's just about survival, so don't worry about being a SAHM with perfect home-cooked dinners and a spotless house because you aren't a SAHM. Everybody fed, nobody dead, and anything else is a bonus. If it's going to be a long time, I'd look at how sustainable it is and see what you can shift around re: activities and evening routine.

You aren’t a SAHM and are making things harder for yourself by also trying to cram in all of the housework too. Stop.

You’re a full time student. Take the time you need to study and listen to your husband when it comes to the housework.

Thanks everyone.

Once I’ve sat my exams I have to wait 4 months to get my results so hopefully by this time next year things will be very different.

On completion of my course and the recommencement of work my husband will drop back down to the hours he has previously been doing.

I’d love to get a cleaner but we are drastically having to cut back because although my husband has increased his hours it still isn’t enough to cover my lost earnings. And this course is incurring costs (almost £1500 so far) and my exam will also cost about £600 to sit. And I have to do lots of prep work before getting my qualifications (I will be going self employed) and those requirements will also cost money. So we’ve had to make a lot of cut-backs but we keep telling ourselves that it will only be for a year.

I also have to medication each day for a chronic condition I have and due to the doses I’m on they cause me to suffer a lot with tiredness so I don’t think that helps either. I don’t use that as an excuse as I’m used to how my medication affects me, but my Consultant is going to look at alternative drugs to see if that will reduce my tiredness levels.

I just think it’s going to be a tough 12 months but it shall hopefully pay off 🤞

On tne slip side, it is nice seeing the children more and they enjoy having me about more….but God I’m drained!

I’m looking forward to the weekend though as my husband is says I can have both the Saturday and Sunday lie-ins 😂

I really should get off MN and get back to my studies 😂😂