An incompetent SAHM 😂

[NotNewButNameChanged2023]

I have very newly taken on the SAHM role….and I mean I’m only 10 days in to it 😂

But by God I feel exhausted already!!!!

The stressful mornings….repeatedly asking the the kids to eat their cereal, get dressed and brush their teeth whilst I’m trying to sort myself out, getting their packed lunches ready, making sure all their school stuff is in their bag…

Then comes the walk to the school and trying to usher the youngest one along so we aren’t late…

Then it’s back home to clean up after breakfast and get the washing and housework done alongside preparing dinner and doing my studying (which I’m doing to eventually go into a new job role).

Then it’s pick the kids up, cook the dinner, get them ready for any after school activities, clean up after dinner, shimmy them along to get in the bath, brush their teeth, do their homework, do their reading, get into bed etc etc

By the time 9pm comes (when the eldest goes to bed) I am DRAINED!!!

I have to take paracetamol most nights to cope with the banging headache 😂

I’ve just got back from the school run and I’m looking at my laptop and study books and all I want to do is go and hide under my duvet!

This is all said lightheartedly but God I miss work 😂

I think you need to change your mindset: you are temporarily a full time student. You’re doing something that will give you new opportunities and you have to see it as if it is a job. Can you study elsewhere? You might be better off in a library or somewhere out of the house.

You need to get very clear to yourself that you're not a SAHM. You're a full-time student and that needs to be your priority, just as work would have been. From what you're saying your DH is actually supportive - it's you who needs to make the mental shift. It's hard I get it - I've done a PhD and maintaining structure and discipline is hard enough as a single person, without also taking on a full-time domestic role.

Other posters have already suggested mapping out slots for getting out of the house. Libraries/study spaces are one option but many people also do some of their best work in cafes, both for studying and drafting texts - counterintuitive though it sounds, brown noise can help us focus better than absolute silence.

Secondly, try and find some online peer groups. As you in touch with others in your program? If not, there must be general support groups for distance learning - there certainly are for thesis writers/writing support in general.

And please please please- you absolutely need to drop the rope on the domestic stuff. You're NOT a housewife. Screw the laundry. Simplify dinners. Let the place get dirty. Rely on your husband, he seems to get it. Can he maybe take the kids off you altogether when they're on holidays so you've got a week at a time to complete a crucial piece of work?

You’re not really a SAHM, you’re just working from home.

Sounds really tough!

Could you travel to whatever Uni you are linked to for a few hours to get some social interaction?

Personally I found going to work a bit like still being a child. I guess it depends on what you do, but my pre-DC job was office-based. It felt like a continuation of school/uni/institutional living. The hours were long and the work could be stressful but there was none of the day-in, day-out drudgery associated with running a house and caring constantly for children. There were support and maintenance staff to sort any issues, a staff canteen and the office was blissfully quiet and air conditioned. It was a world away from my present job, and the constant noise, mess, grime and chaos that comes from trying to balance two little children with a (much less demanding) job.

I have so much noise inside my head these days that sometimes it feels like wading through mud to get the most basic stuff done.

My DH still works in the sort of environment that I did pre-DC and freely admits that going to work is a rest from the mental strain sometimes. I've seen a picture of his desk... not a pencil out of place and everything lined up at right angles. While we're lucky if we can even find the baby in all the carnage at home.

I picture him sometimes arriving at work with his (hot) takeaway coffee, putting it down on the carefully placed coaster, and spending ten minutes reordering his pens and pencils and dusting his already clean keyboard... and it gives me the absolute fucking rage, especially when I can't find the school shoes, the baby's been sick over me and I'm staunching yet another nosebleed with my T-shirt because there's nothing else to hand and we needed to leave ten minutes ago 😂.

I’m a stahm who is also studying and my husband does the mornings (he works from home)l full time) and i do the eveings otherwise I’d be fully drained. It’s not sustainable for you to do everything all the time.

Sympathy from over here! I left my full time job after mat leave ended with my second child as we just couldn't make the commute and working hours work with school hours. I'm now a freelancer with one child just started school and one toddler. Absolutely understand what you mean about no separation between home and work. I work during toddler naps and in the evenings but I find it hard to find the motivation to work during the day. Instead I find myself tidying up, doing washing, faffing around etc, and then toddler is up again and it's school pick up. Then the endless routine of afternoon entertaining the kids, making dinner etc. Let alone the draining 14 weeks of school holidays while trying to fit work in at home 🤦‍♀️ DH comes home around 6.30pm then we share bedtime duties.

It's still better for me than trying to work full time and deal with school hours, and I feel very lucky to be able to earn while also avoiding the stress and cost of rushing around during the school holidays. But my god, it's hard for your mental health sometimes, and hard to get the energy to start working at home while feeling like you're also a housewife / SAHM and needing to do all of those duties as well. I get it.

When toddler starts nursery next year I'm going to look at trying to work in cafes etc to get out the house. It can be very isolating and lonely, and my child's new school doesn't seem to have a culture of parent getogethers. Everyone just drops and goes, so the chance to socialise is minimal. Sounds like you're feeling that too.

@Goldbar Feeling this deep in my soul! Solidarity from another person dealing with the same x

Thanks for your post Goldbar - it sums up well similar feelings I have.

I used to love getting to work and heading to Costa for a hot drink which I’d then enjoy at my desk in silence ….. now I can barely find time for a cup of tea in the morning, never mind silence.

I’m currently unable to drive so travelling somewhere to do my study outside of the house isn’t really an option, especially not when I’m reliant on public transport and am limited to the time period between school drop-offs and pick-ups.

There are online community forums as part of my training which is nice as it means I get to talk to people…but it’s still about the course and so it’s no real break.

I’m currently enjoying some Oat Biscuits and ignoring the state of the kitchen 😂