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Original poster

Just feeling disillusioned today

55 replies

GotMooMilk · 06/09/2023 15:12

Preface this with I love my parents to bits.
My dad is staying and we have been chatting about various stuff. They have done well (good professional jobs) and have a home worth £2m+ and are due to come into a decent whack of inheritance soon from my grandmother (she is 95 so without being callous this is likely, and very rich). Parents have lots of holiday and have retired early (good for them!). Just got a new car, always having home improvements- basically a very privileged life through hard work and circumstance.
DH and I have similar jobs but earn a lot less, have a big mortgage and 2 small kids. I wasn’t complaining but dad asked why our roof was leaking (big damp patch) when we were going to sort the floors, why don’t we have a log burner etc. I explained we can’t afford it atm- mortgage interest rate has just gone up, kids in childcare. We are madly saving to sort the roof before winter but not quite there (DH has patched up for now).
I feel like I’ll never get there. they never have to wait to do home stuff, can afford it easily in cash. Our car is 15 years old but we can’t afford to replace. Grandma has left all money divided between her 2 kids so we won’t get any (which is fine obviously!) but we are struggling. I can’t see a situation where I was incredibly wealthy and didn’t help out my kids with basic things so they and my grandkids could be warm in winter. This isn’t a boomer bashing thread- lots of friends parents are very generous. My parents are lovely so I hate feeling like this, they don’t owe me anything, I need to stand on my own feed etc I know that’s what everyone will say. But life’s hard and it’s frustrating.

OP posts:
Sidslaw · 06/09/2023 15:14

Maybe get rid of the car?

hohumpigsbum · 06/09/2023 15:18

Another witty Mumsnet snark.

OP I don't think YABU. I'd always want to help my children out, especially if I was financially secure.

Original poster
GotMooMilk · 06/09/2023 15:20

@Sidslaw we only have one car between us but we do need one. We don’t pay for it monthly as we own it so the only costs are insurance and maintenance which we need to suck up as we do need it

OP posts:
gillygeey · 06/09/2023 15:21

I think it's a bit weird personally to not help you now but I guess they think it will all come to you in the end.

SquareOne01 · 06/09/2023 15:23

Why do you think he didn’t offer?

FoodFann · 06/09/2023 15:24

I don’t see why older rich family members want to die with millions, and not actually spend it, when they can see younger generations struggling. I really don’t see the point of holding onto millions, and passing it down to 70 year olds who are already rich. Either spend it, or distribute the wealth across the whole family.

Gowlett · 06/09/2023 15:25

My parents are exactly the same GMM. They help with childcare, which is amazing. So, I’m delighted with that. But they don’t really understand our financial struggles at all.

menopausalbloat · 06/09/2023 15:32

Is all their spare cash tied up in the house?
If I had a shit load of spare cash and my kids were struggling, I'd feel absolutely awful if I didn't offer to help.

RedHelenB · 06/09/2023 15:39

What do you actually need from them in monetary terms? Maybe just ask them for it , worse they can say is no

Katmai · 06/09/2023 15:51

But... but... most younger people are in this position and have less money than their parents do. I expect your parents were once in exactly the same situation you find yourself in now.

Original poster
GotMooMilk · 06/09/2023 16:08

@menopausalbloat some will be tied up in the house but they do have a lot of cash, no idea how much but they’ve bought two new cars outright in the past 2 years without batting an eyelid so I guess a fair bit!
@RedHelenB I feel awkward. I don’t want them to think I’m entitled and it’s their money at the end of the day. I think as you say @Katmai they did of course have less money when we were younger although they were a lot more flush than us!

OP posts:
gillygeey · 06/09/2023 16:12

I expect your parents were once in exactly the same situation you find yourself in now.

I thought actual data said otherwise?

frozendaisy · 06/09/2023 16:16

Can you not just ask them?

They are your parents.

"Dad you haven't got a spare 10k you won't miss so we can get the roof sorted before winter do you by any chance please"

DeeCeeCherry · 06/09/2023 16:23

I can’t see a situation where I was incredibly wealthy and didn’t help out my kids with basic things so they and my grandkids could be warm in winter

Just - No. Its yours and your husband's role to do this. You had the children, and there are 2 of you. Your parents don't owe you propping up your family. Why have children if you cant afford basics such as keeping them warm?! Cut your coat according to your cloth. You sound entitled, and hyper-focused on your parents' money - which isn't your money. No wonder you're dissatisfied. Big bills are shit, but we all have them and have to adapt and compromise.

You're going to inherit later in life and have a lot more than many people will have. Be satisfied with that and just work with what you have now

PackBacker · 06/09/2023 16:26

who will inherit their 2 million?

Original poster
GotMooMilk · 06/09/2023 16:29

PackBacker · 06/09/2023 16:26

who will inherit their 2 million?

Presumably us hopefully when we are very old although I expect by then inheritance tax will have whisked it all away! Our pensions are dire compared to theirs (they and I worked in the nhs in similar jobs but mine will be less than half of theirs).

OP posts:
TreesWelliesKnees · 06/09/2023 16:30

I think a lot of older people struggle with the uncertainty of what's coming in old age, how long they might live and what their care needs might be, and that makes them hang onto their cash, even when in reality there's plenty to go round.

BarrelOfOtters · 06/09/2023 16:32

I know what you mean - my husband was helped out by his parents when he divorced so he could buy a house. So was his brother. My mum gave me money for a deposit on a house. I know lots of people who bung their kids money as 'loans' to help out - including my husband.

Maybe you need an honest conversation with them about how much it costs you just to get by.

BarrelOfOtters · 06/09/2023 16:33

TreesWelliesKnees · 06/09/2023 16:30

I think a lot of older people struggle with the uncertainty of what's coming in old age, how long they might live and what their care needs might be, and that makes them hang onto their cash, even when in reality there's plenty to go round.

I think its more that they don't realise how much modern life costs compared to when they were younger and how little pensions are worth now.

Original poster
GotMooMilk · 06/09/2023 16:33

Why have children if you cant afford basics such as keeping them warm?!

we could happily afford them when we had the eldest and planned for the second- we didn’t anticipate CoL crisis, Ukraine war, covid etc

OP posts:
Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 06/09/2023 16:35

frozendaisy · 06/09/2023 16:16

Can you not just ask them?

They are your parents.

"Dad you haven't got a spare 10k you won't miss so we can get the roof sorted before winter do you by any chance please"

Yes. I did this back in the Stone Age when I was in my thirties and in a good career, but was struggling with a house which had a lot of unforeseen ‘issues’. I just asked them for a specified sum to help fix the kitchen They sent it plus some more!

I told my friend in a similar situation to ask her DF to help with her unpredicted twins’ expenses. He did, he said he hadn’t liked to offer for fear of offending her.

I did expect to help them when they needed it, though, and I did.

C8H10N4O2 · 06/09/2023 16:42

GotMooMilk · 06/09/2023 16:33

Why have children if you cant afford basics such as keeping them warm?!

we could happily afford them when we had the eldest and planned for the second- we didn’t anticipate CoL crisis, Ukraine war, covid etc

And its likely that when they were younger they didn't anticipate massive recessions, stock market crashes, industrial scale unemployment and interest rates reaching high teens.

Every generation thinks the previous generation had it easier. You are better off than most as you will likely have a generous inheritance to come (unless they live for for 20 years + each in full time nursing care).

olivehaters · 06/09/2023 16:45

I’d just ask for a bit of help. Explain you are struggling. They can only say no.
have they never helped you? Did they help with uni costs, towards your first house deposit?

foxyfoxx · 06/09/2023 16:48

I think you should ask them, if they say no at least you tried.

catscalledbeanz · 06/09/2023 16:56

Op I'm in a similar situation. Our roof leaks and has for three years. We will never be able to fix it. Basically waiting for the house to fall down. I feel guilty for having had children- who we could afford, but dh got in an accident and ended disabled and so lost his job, coupled with the col the mortgage increases and energy increases have taken everything we had saved for the roof and we are plunging further and further into debt. Our parents are rich, in both cash and assests. We did once ask for help and were given it with harsher return expectations than a loan shark and severe reprimand/ disappointment that we'd got ourselves into this mess. Why didn't we just buckle down or save for a rainy day? They never had to go begging when they were young! They built themselves from nothing don't you know!

We'd never ask again. The guilt and shame were almost enough to tip me over the edge.