Just feeling disillusioned today

[GotMooMilk]

Preface this with I love my parents to bits.
My dad is staying and we have been chatting about various stuff. They have done well (good professional jobs) and have a home worth £2m+ and are due to come into a decent whack of inheritance soon from my grandmother (she is 95 so without being callous this is likely, and very rich). Parents have lots of holiday and have retired early (good for them!). Just got a new car, always having home improvements- basically a very privileged life through hard work and circumstance.
DH and I have similar jobs but earn a lot less, have a big mortgage and 2 small kids. I wasn’t complaining but dad asked why our roof was leaking (big damp patch) when we were going to sort the floors, why don’t we have a log burner etc. I explained we can’t afford it atm- mortgage interest rate has just gone up, kids in childcare. We are madly saving to sort the roof before winter but not quite there (DH has patched up for now).
I feel like I’ll never get there. they never have to wait to do home stuff, can afford it easily in cash. Our car is 15 years old but we can’t afford to replace. Grandma has left all money divided between her 2 kids so we won’t get any (which is fine obviously!) but we are struggling. I can’t see a situation where I was incredibly wealthy and didn’t help out my kids with basic things so they and my grandkids could be warm in winter. This isn’t a boomer bashing thread- lots of friends parents are very generous. My parents are lovely so I hate feeling like this, they don’t owe me anything, I need to stand on my own feed etc I know that’s what everyone will say. But life’s hard and it’s frustrating.

Why have children if you cant afford basics such as keeping them warm?!

🙄

I think its more that they don't realise how much modern life costs compared to when they were younger and how little pensions are worth now.

Also how much wages have stagnated.

45k today is the equivalent to 25k in the late 90s/early 00s

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all, if my children need my help financially later in life when I’m older then I will do what I can. We are currently saving now so that they can have house deposits etc. my parents weren’t able to financially help us but I would love to do that for my children.

Perhaps they are planning on sharing a portion of the inheritance they have coming with you and the children and just haven’t shared this with you yet :)

@GotMooMilk while I sympathise with your current predicament (I’m in the same boat) please don’t perpetuate the myth that you’ll lose it all in IHT. You stand inherit a huge amount of ££ - more than most people can dream of - and IHT exists to redistribute the wealth a bit.

Right now, yes I’d ask your dad for a loan.

How odd, your parents are obviously quite wealthy and they've seen your roof and commented, heard you can't afford it - and still not offered any help
I understand what you are saying, they don't owe you anything but it's incredibly disappointing and hurtful that they don't seem to care.
In my family, it's my dad who is like this. He'll never think to ask or offer any help, but will go on super expensive holidays etc. The rest of my family would always try to help, even though they don't have much money for themselves.

What do you think your parents would say if you asked?

Absolutely this.
I'm in my 50s, have had decades of skintnees. All GPs and dad died ages ago. Have never inherited a penny. DM is still with us, but not at all well. The only certainty she has is that she can afford some kind of care (although the big bucks were spent on DDad's care 30 years ago).

When you tell your dad you cant afford stuff OP, does he actually comprehend the scale of what you can't afford? If he has had a decent income all his life, does he actually grasp that £10k is completely unachievable to you. Have you actually spelt it out?

I don’t know- I feel like they’d maybe feel they have to say yes as I don’t think they could say ‘we can’t afford it’ or similar. They’re do vote conservative and are very much of the ‘I worked hard to get where I am and so should others’ mindset. I think they see our lack of disposable income as a reflection of us ‘not working hard enough’ despite both working long hours, working our way up in our careers and trying to develop ourselves as hard as we can. My dad keeps saying if inflation goes up our salaries ‘will have to go up’ and therefore our mortgage debt etc willl seem lower comparatively but given I work for the NHS and we have just been given a miles below inflation pay rise i can’t see that happening ever. In real terms I’ve taken a yearly pay cut since qualifying as our rises were capped at 1% most of my career so far so I’ve only increased my earning potential by constantly pushing for higher paying roles but I’m reaching the ceiling now.

Are they not typically generous, OP? Are you an only child or if they lent or gave you money would they have to do the same for siblings?

we could happily afford them when we had the eldest and planned for the second- we didn’t anticipate CoL crisis, Ukraine war, covid etc

Like so many of us, who've had to get on with it. That's what you do.

I’m too proud to ask. My sister is not, and has had the deposit due two houses, a car, a gap-year, 4 years of Uni. And more… I don’t know how much she for her wedding!

But she & BIL have better jobs than us, so are more deserving. My dad can give me / my child x amount tax-free each year (it’s actually good for him to do tax-wise). But if I don’t ask (needed to pay bills after COVID) he will talk about it but not offer it. It’s quite hard to comprehend… I love them, but I think they wish I had a “better” job / DH etc.

Most of my friends have got where they are with parental help.

@Gowlett so your parents haven't helped you with house deposits, cars etc?

No there's no comparison when you do that actual maths. Even the 15% interest rates of yesteryear don't compare when you evaluate the salary to house price ratio now days. We are in very different times.

No there's no comparison when you do that actual maths. Even the 15% interest rates of yesteryear don't compare when you evaluate the salary to house price ratio now days. We are in very different times.

We had a good few years where our mortgage was 55% of our salary, those were not good times. I remember then thinking why can’t our parents help, they have the detached house, camper van, nice car, holidays etc etc.

My neighbours moved into my street 9 years ago and had 2 babies very quickly, they moaned about their situation and how stitched up they were. 9 years later they’ve moved onto a bigger house and don’t have any childcare to pay and are in a much better place financially.

I do think a lot of what the OP is talking about is a stage of life thing. I remember my DM telling me how they used to empty the electric meter to buy food for the last day or two before the weekly payday.

My professional occupation since 1979 involves 'that actual maths', including statistical indices and whatnot. I'm well aware the variances of which you speak.

The point of my post was that it's no good comparing oneself to one's parents, who have had a far greater time on the planet in order to amass assets.

Personally I can't imagine that while commenting about all the repairs which need doing, it wouldn't have crossed his mind to offer!
I would pay for anything for my adult DC if I could
Ask him if he would kindly loan you a few grand
He might just without meaning to, just not realise how tight things are for you.
Don't feel awkward, he's your Dad

So many threads like this where the poster with rich parents struggle. I can't understand it, but I'm not a selfish arsehole.

Oh for goodness sake, you will be inheriting a 2 million house at some point, plus god knows how much else. Count your blessings. You are one of the lucky ones.

Inherited wealth is still one of the biggest creators of social inequality and you are on the winning end of that.

But op, you had an overpriced Costa coffee the other week, that's why you're in the state you're in!!!!

In the national press it goes almost without comment but the degree of generational wealth difference in this country is a disgrace.
This has been an intentional policy over a decade from successive Tory governments. Pensioner poverty has halved and childhood poverty has more than doubled since 2010.
Old people vote, young people can't.
And yes I agree OP, if I saw my children struggling and had spare cash lying around there's no way I wouldn't help.

I would work out what needs doing, get quotes and go to them and ask for help whether that's as an outright gift, a loan or advance on your future inheritance. The worst that can happen is they say no and you're in the same position as you are now, plus no doubt a lecture on managing your resources better.

I'm surprised at them TBH, my parents were in a position to help us out financially from time to time and I would expect to do the same with my DDs or at least make a contribution towards the cost. They're not homeowners yet though.

I'm sorry OP, I find your parents attitude utterly unfathomable. Unless my children become utterly feckless adults, I cannot imagine not helping them if I have the means to do so. What kind of parent can take pleasure in a brand new car and multiple holidays knowing that their children are struggling and their grandchildren are living in a leaking house?!!

You may well love your parents but that doesn’t mean they aren’t slightly greedy, selfish and entitled.
They know you’re struggling a bit, they’re aware they have the means to help, but it seems they think you don’t deserve it.
Classic Tories.