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Original poster

What would someone with normal boundaries do here?

29 replies

AnIndianWoman · 05/09/2023 09:50

My child has been invited to a party (last minute) where it’s obvious he was only brought in after others declined - the mum didn’t even bother to hide the mid-Aug rsvp date. The children are really close - describe each other as best friends - and while my DH gets on well with the Dad, the Mum has made it clear several times that I’m not her type of person (ie ignoring me at other parties etc) so I think the late invitation might have been sent deliberately in the hope we’d be too busy to come.

What would you do here? DS is 3.5 and the girl is his friend and so I’m tempted to accept. DH thinks the late invitation was rude and thinks I shouldn’t - but if I left it up to him DS wouldn’t go to any non-family parties!

OP posts:
WhateverMate · 05/09/2023 09:52

This is not about the parents, it's about the kids.

Does your child want to go? This is the only question you should be asking.

It sounds as though not everyone in the first round of invitations accepted, so now there are spare spaces which IMO is perfectly fine. Lots of people have a 'reserve' list and they can hardly help who their child chooses first time.

Icycloud · 05/09/2023 09:54

Depends what would happen if you accepted is the other parent a bully who would do or say things to hurt your child if not they can go

hev126 · 05/09/2023 09:54

It seems you think they either sent it after others declined and also sent it late in the hope you'd be busy?

I don't see how it can be both as of they were happy missing you off the original list why would they bother inviting now?

Other option is that they wrote the invites weeks ago but hadn't got round to giving them out? How short notice is it?

Tbh I'd go for DS' sake but not make much effort with the mum.

Your DH not wanting your dc to go to non-family party sounds really strange tbh

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Donotshushme · 05/09/2023 09:57

It's completely normal to have a second tier list for birthday parties. If your son wants to go then just accept.

SpiralOfAllThings · 05/09/2023 09:57

So what if the other Mum doesn't like you? Your children like each other, let your child go and try to chat to other Mums and have a lovely time yourself. Honestly, you will never like all Mums and they will never all like you. Just because you both have children does not mean you have anything in common. As your child is not even 4 you have several years of this ahead.

Be a social butterfly and then when the party child's Mum says I don't like <insert your name> the other parent says oh I really like her. Friends of friends don't need to be your friends if you see what I mean. Don't go into this thinking it will be one harmonious playground of Mums who are all best friends. It is like being back at high school. Bitches be everywhere Grin

MidnightOnceMore · 05/09/2023 10:02

Firstly, the phrase 'normal boundaries' covers a wide spectrum! Personal preference plays a part.

If a parent is a noticeable PITA, I wouldn't be prioritising going. The kids are friends at nursery already. But I wouldn't actively seek to facilitate a friendship at this young age where the parent is actively difficult, because the potential for future drama is high.

If the kids were 11, and it was about a more independent friendship, I'd have a different view. The bottom line is at 3.5 the parents ARE in charge, and it sounds a bit toxic?

Basically it's a judgement call, is the parent a bit annoying or a toxic nightmare? Tolerate the former, avoid the latter in the Early Years.

MyGardensAMess · 05/09/2023 10:07

If they didn't want you to come they wouldn't give an invitation at the last minute hoping you wouldn't come. They just wouldn't invite you.

lechatnoir · 05/09/2023 10:08

Assuming DS wants to go then you just say thanks he'd love to come see you there. He won't know or care he was a late addition and at that age, half the class is a best friend depending on who they've played with recently and presumably they can't invite everyone. so yes he may be a late addition but the fact they invited him means they want him there otherwise why bother asking? Go with your head held high, be friendly and take a book (or headphones) if you don't want to speak to anyone.

It could be there's some underlying dislike of you but honestly, having been through school & nursery x 3 children and seen so much bloody school gate drama, what you perceive as a snub or a sneer is more likely to be someone who is just shy, anxious, stressed, preoccupied or just plain oblivious and if you approach them with a more open mind you might find they are actually perfectly nice.

MidnightOnceMore · 05/09/2023 10:11

what you perceive as a snub or a sneer is more likely to be someone who is just shy, anxious, stressed, preoccupied or just plain oblivious and if you approach them with a more open mind you might find they are actually perfectly nice this is always possible.

I did know a parent who was TOXIC and I avoided their house because eventually the kids end up being drama too, but most parents are pretty normal.

The other thing to remember is no single social event at age 3.5 is make or break. So whichever way you choose it won't be the end of the world.

hev126 · 05/09/2023 10:14

As an aside why does your DH not want your DS going to non-family parties?

Fruitynutcase · 05/09/2023 10:37

Let your child go and have a nice time.

Laurdo · 05/09/2023 10:40

Forget about the mum and do what your DS would want which is probably to go to his friends party. What have you or your DS got to gain by declining the invitation?

Original poster
AnIndianWoman · 05/09/2023 10:45

hev126 · 05/09/2023 10:14

As an aside why does your DH not want your DS going to non-family parties?

He just doesn’t like the stress of it. That does mean, however, that except for a few rare exceptions it’s me who takes DS.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnIndianWoman · 05/09/2023 10:49

hev126 · 05/09/2023 09:54

It seems you think they either sent it after others declined and also sent it late in the hope you'd be busy?

I don't see how it can be both as of they were happy missing you off the original list why would they bother inviting now?

Other option is that they wrote the invites weeks ago but hadn't got round to giving them out? How short notice is it?

Tbh I'd go for DS' sake but not make much effort with the mum.

Your DH not wanting your dc to go to non-family party sounds really strange tbh

You’re right. I’m probably overthinking it. The mum aside DS loves spending time with his friend and I should focus on that.

OP posts:
Bomba · 05/09/2023 10:50

The stress of it? Poor kid, it's a party, for his best friend.

Your husband needs to deal with his own problems whatever they are

Bomba · 05/09/2023 10:52

As for the invitation with a mid august date, she probably just forgot to give them out on the last day of nursery or didn't see you 🤷🏽‍♀️.

A top tip is to not take things so personally at the school gates. This stuff is for the children, not you, and not everyone wants to chat etc.

Frangipaneloathing22 · 05/09/2023 10:57

I used to agree with “it’s all about the kids and what they want to do” until my daughter started to develop a friendship with a lovely child in her class whose parent unfortunately I could not stand because she was rude, pushy, abrasive and unreliable.

When it got to the point where I was hosting this child for a play date and the mother turned up (more than once!) two and a half hours late for collection and didn’t bother to explain, respond to texts, or apologise… I let the friendship dwindle and die a natural death.

Original poster
AnIndianWoman · 05/09/2023 11:28

lechatnoir · 05/09/2023 10:08

Assuming DS wants to go then you just say thanks he'd love to come see you there. He won't know or care he was a late addition and at that age, half the class is a best friend depending on who they've played with recently and presumably they can't invite everyone. so yes he may be a late addition but the fact they invited him means they want him there otherwise why bother asking? Go with your head held high, be friendly and take a book (or headphones) if you don't want to speak to anyone.

It could be there's some underlying dislike of you but honestly, having been through school & nursery x 3 children and seen so much bloody school gate drama, what you perceive as a snub or a sneer is more likely to be someone who is just shy, anxious, stressed, preoccupied or just plain oblivious and if you approach them with a more open mind you might find they are actually perfectly nice.

True, and this is how I tend to lean towards. But I do think this mum seems to see me as an easy target as I do tend to be quite chilled about everything - perhaps too chilled. I do need to set boundaries but doing it at DS’ friend’s birthday seems wrong

OP posts:
Original poster
AnIndianWoman · 05/09/2023 11:40

Frangipaneloathing22 · 05/09/2023 10:57

I used to agree with “it’s all about the kids and what they want to do” until my daughter started to develop a friendship with a lovely child in her class whose parent unfortunately I could not stand because she was rude, pushy, abrasive and unreliable.

When it got to the point where I was hosting this child for a play date and the mother turned up (more than once!) two and a half hours late for collection and didn’t bother to explain, respond to texts, or apologise… I let the friendship dwindle and die a natural death.

It’s worse when the mums are lovely and still behave like this. With the Mum in my OP it’s one thing - she doesn’t like me, and so we don’t arrange playdates very often. But there’s another mum who is lovely and suggests them and will invariably get a call during, leave DC with us, and then before you know it it’s 10pm and she’s totally forgotten to pick them up. She flakes so much I only suggest home playdates because at least then I can give him dinner and put him to bed until she gets him x

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 05/09/2023 11:45

Hang on a second... go through it again what the "lovely mum" does, will you? How does she forget to pick up her own child? She's using you - can't you see that?

lechatnoir · 05/09/2023 12:51

Wtf - if I had a 3.5 year old for a playdate and mum hadn't turned up at 9 o clock I'd be calling the bloody police (assuming of course you did try calling her?) I'd assume she'd had an accident or something had happened and if it was just because she forget would be apoplectic! Although the way you word it suggests this has happened more than once in which case you definitely need to work on your boundaries and being more assertive - this is not a lovely mum this is someone taking the piss out of your good nature

WhateverMate · 05/09/2023 13:12

Frangipaneloathing22 · 05/09/2023 10:57

I used to agree with “it’s all about the kids and what they want to do” until my daughter started to develop a friendship with a lovely child in her class whose parent unfortunately I could not stand because she was rude, pushy, abrasive and unreliable.

When it got to the point where I was hosting this child for a play date and the mother turned up (more than once!) two and a half hours late for collection and didn’t bother to explain, respond to texts, or apologise… I let the friendship dwindle and die a natural death.

I let the friendship dwindle and die a natural death.

How did you let it dwindle? Did you engineer it in the first place?

Most friendships will continue in school, regardless of how the parents feel about each other.

NewPinkJacket · 05/09/2023 13:15

AnIndianWoman · 05/09/2023 11:40

It’s worse when the mums are lovely and still behave like this. With the Mum in my OP it’s one thing - she doesn’t like me, and so we don’t arrange playdates very often. But there’s another mum who is lovely and suggests them and will invariably get a call during, leave DC with us, and then before you know it it’s 10pm and she’s totally forgotten to pick them up. She flakes so much I only suggest home playdates because at least then I can give him dinner and put him to bed until she gets him x

Show quote history

Invariably? So it's happened more than once?

I hope you reported this neglect?

Justcallmebebes · 05/09/2023 13:16

Icycloud · 05/09/2023 09:54

Depends what would happen if you accepted is the other parent a bully who would do or say things to hurt your child if not they can go

Confused
Frangipaneloathing22 · 05/09/2023 13:55

WhateverMate · 05/09/2023 13:12

I let the friendship dwindle and die a natural death.

How did you let it dwindle? Did you engineer it in the first place?

Most friendships will continue in school, regardless of how the parents feel about each other.

Show quote history

Eh? Why the angry italics?

Seeing as most five to seven year olds need help from their parents to arrange play dates, I quite simply let it dwindle by not arranging them.

And the child coincidentally moved schools a few months after that.