Do you wish you married a wealthier partner?

[FelicityFowler]

DH and I are very happy together. He’s a wonderful person. We earn well, although I earn more than him. We met at Cambridge University.

I came from a poor family. Going to Cambridge was my one shot at escaping poverty. I managed it, and now have a successful career. We have a very comfortable lifestyle, but live in a modest flat due to house prices. I went

When I was at university, I socialised a lot. Had some wealthy suitors. I sometimes wonder how life would have been easier (in some ways!) if I had gone for one of the wealthier men. Some had estates and homes in Chelsea. So money would never have been an issue. Yet I’d still have been me, and I am very driven.

I think perhaps, I wonder these things as I think about levels of wealth that are unattainable through paid work.

I am well aware that these men may have been horrid in reality. But I can’t help but wonder?

I don’t. We’re absolutely skint but very happy. I used to have a rich DP and I had the jewellery and the handbags and the holidays but it was very much like being in a gilded cage. I didn’t feel like I was being myself, but a version of me that was acceptable to take to certain restaurants. Also, I find people with money can often have a strange way of looking at the world and it’s not something I ever felt very comfortable with.

I went to Oxford from a lower middle class, state-educated background. Tbh I found that "wealthy suitors" were thin on the ground; those sorts of people tended to socialise together and didn't want much to do with me. I went into one of the traditional professions and in my late 20s met my now-husband, who is a former public schoolboy whose parents are worth a couple of million.

Day to day we're not massively well-off - we have a child with SEN so both work part-time - but I must admit it gives us a huge amount of security knowing that he is likely to get a substantial inheritance. We feel much more able to take financial risks, invest in risky high-yield things, etc, in the knowledge that if it all goes wrong his parents would probably bail us out. So in that sense I think that I was fortunate that I happened to fall in love with somebody from a secure financial background. But I absolutely didn't choose him because of his parents' money.

One woman I knew at Oxford did "marry well" and her husband is a hedge fund manager - but she is massively driven and has a successful career in her own right.

No way! I married DH in part because he's the nicest man I've ever met.
Money couldn't buy the sort of security he gives me.
I've read many posts of men on here that are mean with their money.

I didn't go to Cambridge, but similar. I know the men/boys you speak of, I'm in a similar situation free up very poor education was my way out. I dated my fair share of Henrys in red trousers.
I didn't marry one, I outearn DH , although we both have multiple degrees and professional careers. We earn around 100k between us and that will increase over time. We live on the outskirts of London so mortgage etc is expensive, but we are comfortable.
However a good friend of mine from uni did 'marry well'. He was an absolute bastard to her, two children later he walked out and continues to abuse her from afar and use his money to try and control her and the children. I wouldn't wish what she's dealt with on my worst enemy.

Definitely not. Similarly to you, OP, I grew up on a council estate in a shithole ex-mining town, and getting a place at a good (but in my case non-Oxbridge) university was my ticket out. Like you, I am now comfortably off, but not wealthy.

I am very happy with my non-wealthy DP, who I met at said university, I’m grateful for the opportunities I have had and I am well aware that I am more fortunate than many. I have worked hard & made some smart decisions too, of course.

I mean, I do sometimes wistfully wonder how different my life could've been if I'd married for money... but I didn't. For all his faults, I love the very bones of my DH. Neither of us are high earners; we won't ever be rich or live in a big house. But I listen to my friends moaning about their (successful, professional, high earning) husbands, and know I'm better off than any of them.

No point comparing apples and pears OP.

More like, are you ready to be able to bring your child up alone?

Never know what's down the line in life.....

I did. Not easy, but I did it.

Nope. We are not wealthy. I mean we're not poor either. But definitely not "wealthy "

My very good friend has married someone with way more money. He's very corporate... he's also a selfish & mean spirited arse. God he annoys the living CRAP out of me.

So no. I wouldn't value money over kindness, intelligence, chemistry, generosity....

Pretty much this.

This I mean!

I think I like being a high earner in my partnership – would feel strange if DH had waaaay more than me. Or came from more. I think it would make me feel "less than"

I met my DH an uni too – we both earn high (200k+ combined) and are early 30s. But we came from average backgrounds, both our Dads were manual workers and earned a max of about 30k each throughout our lifetime (and mums didn't work)

I've met lovely rich people and horrible rich people, wealth doesn't correlate to how nice someone is to marry

Interesting question. I wonder did you ever have a relationship with a man from inherited wealth, met his family etc? I am from a lower middle class background and dated two while I was at Oxford, it really put me off. Once prospective MIL gave me a book entitled “Better than beauty - a guide to charm” 😂insulting on several fronts. But I decided I really didn't want to marry into an “institution” of a family (not that I was close to doing so!). This assumption that you will do things their way, that you are just not quite as good as them. Beautiful houses and a lot of rules & baggage with them. Perhaps I was unlucky with who I met though. I think for me it is pride as well - I’d rather have £1 I’ve earned than £20 someone else has.
But equally some friends from uni do live that life due to who they married & I envy them their housekeepers 😂but DH & I are both professionals and live comfortably and we can dictate our own family ethos with our DC without interference, and my middle/ working class PILS are wonderful.

No. Why is it always wanting to marry a wealthy man and not wanting to actually become wealthy yourself? I'd not want to have to rely on a man for a certain lifestyle.

He’s probably thinking I wish I’d married slimmer and better looking

My fave quote from the queen that is Cher:

"I don't to need to marry a rich man, I am one"

We both agree we should have married for money, not love 🤣

But I can’t help but wonder?

The bloke I went out with before DH (who probably would have married me) was absolutely minted.

I don't wonder. DH is lovely and we have a good life. If I'd married the ex, I'd be shagging the pool boy and would have eaten my own arm off with boredom.

Don't wish away your happiness.

I married someone steady who is a good father and educated to the same standard as me with similar life values.
We don’t share money and split bills fairly.
I would not say no to a few more holidays but I have security and I know dh would not cheat etc so that’s what matters

I've found what @CakeIsNotAvailable to be true - super well-off people tend to stick to each other for serious relationships.

So I might have got some attention or a few dates from a landed "name" (Ok, when I was younger and cute) but getting past the next stage might be a different matter.

Or even if I did get serious, the lack of money from my family would have meant I didn't have enough "say" and would have to go along to get along and be at the mercy of MILs etc.

Of course people do make money as time goes on (especially if they're high achievers at Oxbridge etc) but that comes with its own challenges as they get wealthier

(I've got ex partners who got to the tens of million stage, but the early years when I was with them weren't that easy!).

I think focussing on your own earning potential and work-life routine and finding satisfaction and a job you like seems to pay off for most people!

I'm childfree by choice, obviously if women want to be SAHMs that's their choice and none of anyone's else's business.

However, there aren't enough well-off men to enable a certain lifestyle for everyone (don't think one can make generalisations about rich men being nicer than poor men, people are people).

So women may as well find work they like and which gives them some social status and independence.

Plus, many professional men want to date women at the same level, so whatever you want to do relationship-wise, the good career is a bonus.

Interesting, if you don't think about inheritance, many super well-off guys go for women who are also ambitious and money-focussed.

Mark Zuckerberg married the highest achieving graduate in medicine from college, Jeff Bezos married someone with millions, Elon Musk's various partners all are independently successful l....Prince Harry went for someone "at his financial level" who could afford the private jet/Soho House lifestyle.

The Cinderella rags-to-riches story doesn't seem to apply any more.

My friend was trained by her mum to marry for money. She did, and has a life with private planes, staff and holiday homes. Her dh takes out his stress on her, she's walking on eggshells and yearning for someone just kind. And he's mean with her!

My Dh didn't have much when we met having given his ex the marital home, but then worked his arse off to make sure we have a great life. He's so kind, giving and generous to everyone including me that he'll probably end up giving it all away.

I went for the nice sweet guy with no cash, then he turned out not to be nice and sweet .. 🫤

No, but I’d say he wishes he had😅

Not my husband now but ex, but his family were shall we say a bit rough round the edges, he was a bit of a bad boy, didn't really finish school his parents never pushed him or made him and didn't value education. He job hopped, I was at uni when we met and my parents openly told me I could do better but I loved him. He did then go on and go to uni but didn't finish and was relatively successful at work when he actually put his mind to it but he lacked drive and ambition and as I progressed at work and wanted to better myself it caused issues and we split eventually.

Whilst I don't look back and wish I'd married someone richer I do now I'm dealing with teens who seem to be following the same path as him and have similar work ethics and an aversion to education, sometimes I quietly wish to myself that I'd had children with someone more aligned to me. Obviously I would never vocalise that and love my childcare I feel like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall.

Yes as long as he is also kind and faithful. I wouldn't swap money for those values but if I found someone when younger with those values and money I'd be so happy. Being skint is a slog, even if you are happy.