Do you wish you married a wealthier partner?

[FelicityFowler]

DH and I are very happy together. He’s a wonderful person. We earn well, although I earn more than him. We met at Cambridge University.

I came from a poor family. Going to Cambridge was my one shot at escaping poverty. I managed it, and now have a successful career. We have a very comfortable lifestyle, but live in a modest flat due to house prices. I went

When I was at university, I socialised a lot. Had some wealthy suitors. I sometimes wonder how life would have been easier (in some ways!) if I had gone for one of the wealthier men. Some had estates and homes in Chelsea. So money would never have been an issue. Yet I’d still have been me, and I am very driven.

I think perhaps, I wonder these things as I think about levels of wealth that are unattainable through paid work.

I am well aware that these men may have been horrid in reality. But I can’t help but wonder?

Don't wish away your happiness.

I think this applies op

You will never get "rich" by working, there is no job that will pay enough, unless you're the CEO of some huge multinational. For 99.99% of people, the only way to become wealthy is through investing. Say property, stocks, business or whatever. But working (anywhere) just won't do it

Yes, you could have married someone richer, however, even that comes at a price because "high value" men are always going to be chased after, and you will spend your life looking over your shoulder at the younger, prettier women who will try it on. Age old story of the "slut half his age" kind of thing. And yes, you might get a huge divorce settlement if things go south, but it's still a shit situation.

I think money is a strange thing, you read surveys that say 60k a year is peak happiness, beyond that there is no direct link between money and satisfaction. I earn about that, and maybe there is truth in it. When I think about it, if I had more money, married into it, I suppose I could drive a Bentley instead of a BMW, but I don't think it would be that different TBH, so I'd probably not be any happier IUSWIM.

I could get a Mansion in Surrey, but empty rooms freak me out a bit and I'd hate to have strangers (staff) around my home, but I wouldn't be able to keep a huge mansion clean and running by myself. So, there's that.

I think everyone "settles" in the end. You would "settle" for a wealthy man you don't really like, just to be "rich". Or I might "settle" for a low income, ordinary guy, because he is willing to have children with me.

It's all relative I think. And I guess ultimately, you'd always have the "my yacht is bigger than yours" dilemma. You know, there you are in your new BENTLY, off at the races, when a really rich guy shows up in a helicopter. And you'll think, fuck, I should have married him him instead, my husband can't afford a helicopter.

Yes, when I'm having the odd down day I think what life would have been like if I'd married a man whose job meant I could have been a SAHM, perhaps with a part-time job I enjoyed. Maybe travelling abroad for holidays or having children earlier so we could have had a second. As it was I'm the breadwinner and he was a SAHP, he's now earning again but can't really earn more so we need my good wage.

But then I remind myself that he is an honest man who would never cheat, we are silly a lot and laugh a lot and have a lot in common, he's very helpful around the house, he looks after me. I could have had everything I wonder about but my husband could have been an idiot.

I suppose it's that grass is always greener thing.

No not at all. We're comfortable and want for nothing so I don't see what extra wealth would bring me. Would a partner having a flat in Chelsea improve my life so much? Would it make me happy? I don't think so. As long as we're all healthy and happy, can pay the bills, have enough food, have money for days out and holidays etc we don't need anything else

Suitors, that’s not a word used much these days. I indeed had two suitors at the same time pursuing me. I chose the one who I knew I would have a more modest lifestyle with, he is an academic. He also does research in an area that is admirable. The other the last I heard has his own law firm and is very wealthy. However apart from actually loving DH which is the obvious reason to choose, this guy lives in London and bugger me I only lived there for two years and I didn’t like it.

Over breakfast this morning I remarked on a friend who DH hasn’t met, a newer one and I said you know she is getting divorced, he said is everyone you know getting divorced . I replied not everyone but most. A long loving relationship is not afforded to everyone and I feel extremely lucky. It’s a gentle life of hill walking and jaunts along the canal and cream teas at tiny tea shops and museums and scrabble and crosswords but we are a match. He sung to a horse last year, a Human League song as its mane had fallen over its face and it looked like Phil Oakey the lead singer. That’s the man for me.

No but I wish my DH was wealthier 😂 He's a pretty low earner but self employed and gives us so much flexibility in terms of childcare etc but it would be nice to have more. Just to be able to afford a holiday or have the cash when something like the washing machine breaks. I've maximised my earning capacity and I'll have a bit of scope to do that further but I don't enjoy it all being on me.

No - got myself a good career , never married , one child , very happy

When I met my soon to be ex husband he was on minimum wage. Over ten years he has worked his way right up and now earns a more than comfortable salary. As the years and pay rises have gone by, he has become nothing but an arrogant prick. He started becoming patronising and was quickly above others in his head. So no I don't! In my experience, money certainly doesn't bring people happiness!

I never saw any of his money either!

Nope. We’re not rich but we can afford a comfortable lifestyle as we cut our cloth according to our means.

Studies on happiness pretty conclusively show that once you get past the level of income where meeting your needs aren’t a struggle, more money doesn’t translate into greater happiness. I mean sure I fantasise about winning the lottery but I neither wish I’d married someone rich/from money or chosen a much more lucrative career path for myself not that I don’t question about why the hell I stay in a job where I’m underpaid.

Not at all. We both have decent jobs, own our home and have good pensions, that is enough. Although something that is noticeable in our now middle class circles is Mr Monkey and I come from similar backgrounds - working class manual labourer fathers, large families, no property owned (my dad is a tenant farmer, his was a pub manager that rented from the brewery).

There is zero family money on either side, what we have we earnt. So I see us increasingly being left behind as peers inherit property wealth over the next couple of decades. One good friend has already been able to move to a house from a flat due to a six figure inheritance from her husband's grandfather, another looked at me in disbelief when during a chat about inheritance tax and wills I said it didn't matter to us as there would be nothing for either of us to inherit. (Mr Monkey"s dad has already passed away and there was just enough left in his savings to pay for the funeral he wanted )

Although thinking about it - he is 9 years olde than me and managed to buy in London when it was still possible for a 20 something without family money to buy a modest flat.

So the money he made from that means we are in a much better position property wise than if he was the same age as me.

DH and I earn similar but I agree with above pp that the type of security he gives me cannot be bought. I know he will always be there for me, thick or thin, we are a team and we share our values and our outlook on life. I honestly feel he was made just for me and I would stick with him rich or poor.

No..i had that opportunity before i married my DH..but he was fake nice. You know where they pretend to be a gentleman but are passive aggressive and try and manipulate with control freak tendencies. Never having a money worry but living with abuse wasnt even a consideration.

I count my lucky stars that despite being poorish, im rich in that i have a lovely family and feel safe everyday.

But we are doing rather well maximising and slowly bettering our circumstances working as a team. So in time we have every opportunity to be comfortable in the future.

So the wish is to marry money not make your own?

No not at all. We had nothing when we got married, now in well paying careers with a nice home. Everything we have we built together and we are equals. I wouldn't change a thing.

No. Being wealthy isn't something I've ever aspired to. We have enough, we live a good life within our means and we're very happy with that.

Nah. A woman I know from school always chased after wealthy or high status men like coke dealers, D-list celebs & footballers. She settled down with a "boy done good" and has the house of her dreams, it's enormous and everything is tailor-made like a show home. She posts daily about her lavish life, the regular vacations, the designer clothes, cars and only ever posts photos of her children with airbrushed filters on their faces. Despite her Instagram smile, she's one of the most miserable people I know, especially in her relationship. Her DH complains if she puts on weight, expects sex on tap and he orders her around like a servant. She is forever filling the void with gifts that she's got coming out of her ears and eyeballs. But its the life she sought. They've essentially become a mutually beneficial duo of artificial intimacy and financial support where she's like the glamorous sex doll and he's the wealthy sugar daddy and the ring and kids complete the look. I'm grateful my husband isn't poor, but even more thankful he's smart, sensitive, a great dad, loving, and someone I fancy. If you love your man AND he's wealthy, awesome. But if you're with him purely because he's wealthy then sad. Same goes for being with a woman purely because she is agreeable with a tiny waist and big breasts. Unless you are clawing your way out of the slum in a fight for survival, don't marry for wealth alone.

I think marriage and kids is shown to decrease women’s earnings

I'm not married and have worked hard to buy my own house and have an ok lifestyle. I'm single and have been for years and sometimes which I did have a partner so that I could afford to go on holiday and enjoy some of the extra things my money doesn't quite stretch to.

I did briefly have a partner over 12 years ago who earned significantly less than me. At the start of the relationship I didn't think it mattered but as the relationship went on I realised I'd just got myself a cocklodger so I ended the relationship.

This made me rethink what I wanted from a relationship. And as it's to enjoy the 'extras' in life, I want to meet someone who earns at least the same amount as me.

That may seem fickle to some but actually, to earn good money, you need drive, passion and dedication. All of which are good qualities. So that's what I'm looking for. And it's probably why I've been single as long as I have! But that's ok. The older I get the less I'm bothered about having a partner.

Absolutely not - I was at Oxford, and all the really rich boys I met there were awful, entitled and boorish (actually that’s not entirely true - there was one lovely one, but only one, who was super rich and gay). I can only imagine most of them had bought their place since they all seemed pretty unintelligent to me (to put it kindly). Family wealth can easily be burned through by stupid offspring, in any event, so there’s no guarantee you would have stayed in a luxury lifestyle!

I have quite happily made my own money and have a wonderful partner who is super bright, he earns a little less than me but together we are extremely comfortable.

My mum used to read me fairy stories and then critique them with me (like “Do you think Snow White was happy living in a forest and having to do all the cooking and cleaning for seven dirty men?/ Do you think Sleeping Beauty would have wanted to see who was kissing her before he just grabbed her?” etc) so I was always expected to be quite independent!

Me. Can be arseholes rich or poor. I was married to a poor one who made mine and our childrens' lives a misery. Now I'm married to dh who is wealthy. He's a giver, the kindest and wisest man I know. His family is everything to him.. far more than money.

That should read men can be arseholes..

Priscilla Chan was a top graduate but she was the daughter of immigrants. Mackenzie Scott was not a millionaire. She was a very smart graduate from a very regular background.

You seem to have confused these partners as rich. They weren't neither were Bezos or Zuckerberg. They verge middle class.

What they were was smart and hardworking.

It's crazy isn't it how so many people on MN want to equate wealth with nastiness and poverty with kindness. My dh is an Oxford educated ex public school boy who when working in the city earned 7 figures. He stepped away from it in his very late 40s and now does various philanthropic projects.
He is the best human being I know.

I love threads like this; so all rich men are bastards and all unwealthy men are so lovely that you "love the bones of them"?!

Look, some rich men are great, some aren't. Same for any man.

Some people get lucky in life, whether that's financially, health wise or otherwise. That's life, it isn't and never will be fair.

The best thing to do is seek contentment with what you have. Bigger isn't always better. Peace of mind the most valuable thing.