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Original poster

Is it supposed to be like this when you move away?

60 replies

TawnyLarue · 03/09/2023 15:31

I moved away from my home city about 10 years ago. Moved in with my boyfriend (now husband) and we now have two small children (one in school).

We live about 3 hours from my mum, dad and sister (who has a baby).

we have a happy life here. We both work full time. It’s hard, working and looking after the kids and house but we do our best. We really don’t have much in terms of support/childcare (husbands parents live abroad now, although they didn’t when i first moved here) so we never really get out but that’s just the way it is right now. Kids are happy and settled in school and nursery and our house is being renovated.

My family have not visited us in something like 3 or 4 years. Have not even seen our new house, which we have been in for a year now. It all falls to me, every single time, to go and see them with the kids. I don’t know when they would ever see the kids if I didn’t take them through (although I should say they absolutely love the kids and are so good and kind to them when we do go through, spend lots of time with them etc. the kids love them).

I take the kids through as much as I can, because I am desperate for them to have a good relationship with my family, but to be honest I am tired and I am losing the notion. It’s hurtful. My husband gets quite annoyed about it as well, feels like we make all the effort. If we invite them, they sort of vaguely say “yes we’ll need to come soon” but won’t ever commit or be tied to a date. They clearly don’t want to come. There is definitely an element of “well you moved away so…🤷🏻‍♀️” They are with my sister almost every day, by the way. She lives locally to them.

I am a bit lonely. I accept it was my choice to move away - I suspect my mums nose is out of joint over it, to be honest - but is this what it is meant to be like? Really?

OP posts:
cruffinsmuffin · 03/09/2023 15:37

Depending on their age, health and finances a 6 hour return trip is a heck of a long way to travel (for them and for you!).

Did you moved 3 hours away to be somewhere closer to your DHs parents before they left the country? In that scenario I can definitely understand your parents side of it way more.

Businessflake · 03/09/2023 15:38

This isn’t my experience. My parents and parents in law live >3 hours drive away and both sets regularly come to stay with us. They come here a lot more than we visit them. They are retired and we both work FT, kids are at school and have weekend activities. They are all happy to come and help with childcare a few times a year.

Yes I do realise we are lucky in that respect and not expecting it to last for ever as they are all getting on a bit and won’t be able to make the drive for ever.

Have you invited them at specific times or is it a vague you must come and visit soon? What if you suggest a particular weekend?

trulyunruly01 · 03/09/2023 15:50

Are they 'houseguest-y' type people. Some people just don't like staying elsewhere.
My ILs would houseguest at the drop of a hat, they loved visiting overnight and longer and loved hosting houseguests.
My parents were the opposite. They had grown up in a small enclave where all family and friends were within a few streets of each other. Never any need for overnights.
What would happen if you invited your parents to a school concert/performance but it needed an overnight stay.
Or if you are not seeing them on Xmas Day then how about a fake Xmas dinner the month before, maybe include your sister and her family.
Perhaps they need to get used to staying over for a special reason before making it more casual.

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Families
SorrowsPrayers · 03/09/2023 15:50

I moved away from my home town ( about 45 mins away) then had children. My parents spent a lot of time with my sister and her two children as they live 10 mins apart. What hurt more was that parents would drive around the edge of my town to go and see my brother and his children ( about 3 hours away ).
My parents would only see my children if I visited home town.
For this, and many other reasons, we are now nc.

NotFastButFurious · 03/09/2023 15:53

Oh I hear you! I work full time yet my retired parents don’t seem to realise that the motorway runs in both directions! To be fair, if I go to them I usually see other people too but I live in a tourist hotspot so it’s not like they have nothing to see and do if they come here! My youngest nephew has only been here once in 6 years :(

tescocreditcard · 03/09/2023 15:53

Ask if you can take turns. If they agree, when it's their turn to come to you just say " it's your turn to come to us this time, remember? We agreed to take turns". And leave it at that .just keep repeating g it.

WhatNoRaisins · 03/09/2023 15:57

As someone living this sort of distance from family I think it's pretty poor of them to have gone that length of time without visiting you. I don't think there is anything you can do about it though if they refuse to travel.

BeyondMyWits · 03/09/2023 16:09

It's a 6 hour round trip, so can seem a bit of a pain... do you actually invite them to stay or just say you must come visit sometime?

Perhaps a "would you like to come to us for a long weekend? x,y or z dates suit us, the spare bed is ready..." plus whatever makes life easier for them. My mum would only travel to us when invited for specific dates, but managed to get to us from 800 miles away on connecting flights (we paid as she couldnt afford the journey), until she was in her 70s.

Original poster
TawnyLarue · 03/09/2023 16:48

I do suggest dates or invite them for specific weekends. Well I used to, I have given up.

they’d either say “ohh I don’t know Tawney I’ll need to see” or cancel at the last minute n

OP posts:
Original poster
TawnyLarue · 03/09/2023 16:52

cruffinsmuffin · 03/09/2023 15:37

Depending on their age, health and finances a 6 hour return trip is a heck of a long way to travel (for them and for you!).

Did you moved 3 hours away to be somewhere closer to your DHs parents before they left the country? In that scenario I can definitely understand your parents side of it way more.

No I moved up because it was so much easier to get a job there than in my home town. And we figured it would make sense to be near one set of family rather than none at all

OP posts:
OnToTheNextOneOntoTheNextOne · 03/09/2023 16:54

Yeah that's rubbish. I know someone who drives 3 hours each way, most weekends, to see his beloved grandchild.

Dotcheck · 03/09/2023 16:56

You know, you’ve got nothing to lose, so why not just ask them why they don’t visit you?

WunWun · 03/09/2023 17:00

I would fully expect no one to visit me if I moved three hours away

PimpMyFridge · 03/09/2023 17:00

That's rubbish.
My DH moved 6 hours away from his family.
I'm 1.5 hours away... It's just where life takes you, depending on work and accommodation you can't always stay at home...
Neither of our families hold us responsible and see it as our duty to close the distance every time.
Everyone wants to be in each others life, the grandparents want to see where the lungs are growing up and know their life... So we all take it on turns to visit.
Dh's family are furthest so no chance of a day trip so that's a couple of nights really and we can't put them up so they even pay for self catering apartment while they visit (they aren't struggling for money).

I think it's odd your family are keeping things so unbalanced and the fact you've not just had a wee chat with them suggests the family power dynamic is not one of mutual respectful equals...

Original poster
TawnyLarue · 03/09/2023 17:03

I think it's odd your family are keeping things so unbalanced and the fact you've not just had a wee chat with them suggests the family power dynamic is not one of mutual respectful equals...

no you’d be right there. But that’s a whole other thread.

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 03/09/2023 17:03

WunWun · 03/09/2023 17:00

I would fully expect no one to visit me if I moved three hours away

Why?
They are all adults, so they are all responsible for the upkeep of the relationship.
Personally, I would be sad if my child never had to confidence to move to increase their employment options

Welcomer · 03/09/2023 17:05

That's so hurtful. Can you suggest meeting halfway for a day? Mine are rubbish at this tooSad

ellecf21 · 03/09/2023 17:06

I'm in an almost identical situation to you, my family are 3hrs away, husband's family 1hr but elderly so won't travel to us. We have this on his side - always us taking our DD there. We are just used to it. They aren't a close family so it's fine every 6 weeks. My family are OBSESSED with my daughter. My dad gets stressed if he thinks he won't see her at least once in the month. They come to us as much as we go to them and we spend holiday abroad with them once a year which is lovely. I can't understand why your family haven't visited you in so long but can only put it down to the dynamic being different. Id be annoyed to as we do a little with DH family but it is what it is.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 03/09/2023 17:07

I moved away and I am always the one to go back and bring DS back to visit and keep in touch with grandparents and family, otherwise they just wouldn't know each other.

Yes it is a pain sometimes, but I chose to move.
I think it is only when you have children that you fully appreciate the value of having family nearby. It just wasn't something I considered when I was young and setting out, but I don't hold it against my family now.

WunWun · 03/09/2023 17:09

I detest car travel. I moved two hours away from my family and the journey was awful, especially after having my DD. I would never expect someone to sit in a car for six hours total to visit me, I wouldn't inflict that expectation on anyone.

I probably should have prefaced my previous response by saying I have severe travel anxiety though 😁

Edited to say that was a response to @Dotcheck

Original poster
TawnyLarue · 03/09/2023 17:09

See I’m not worried about the fact that it’s not equal - I accept that I should probably do more of it, as I chose to move away. But I do feel like sometimes they could come, take the pressure off a little bit. Also, why aren’t they interested in our lives here?

OP posts:
Chipsahoy · 03/09/2023 17:11

3hours is nothing. Honestly those saying it’s a long way! I am 8 hours from mine. My brother has visited three times in the past year.

Original poster
TawnyLarue · 03/09/2023 17:14

I honestly can’t imagine not being interested in my children’s lives when they grow up.

OP posts:
LifeIsShitJustNow · 03/09/2023 17:22

Depending on their age, health and finances a 6 hour return trip is a heck of a long way to travel (for them and for you!).

And then we have people saying that being 60yo or eve;70yo isn’t being old. That most people that age are still active and why wouldn’t they??? Talk about going on hols etc… too.

Unfortunately, for some people, it’s very much out of signet, out of mind. Then having spent so much time with your dsister, theyll feel closer to her and her dcs so why bother?

Another thing I’ve noticed is that some people don’t do travelling well. They’ve always stayed where they are and going away 3 hours away feels like going to the other side of the world.
Same with ‘moving away’ that is no hard to comprehend that they simply never manage to get their heads around it. So they act as if you had moved to Australia - with the same attitude and the same reaction (it’s the person moving away that has to make all the effort etc….)

Those are reasons but not excuses. And I totally get where you are coming from. I’d be deeply hurt too.

LifeIsShitJustNow · 03/09/2023 17:30

@I think it is only when you have children that you fully appreciate the value of having family nearby. It just wasn't something I considered when I was young and setting out, but I don't hold it against my family now.

On a personal pov, i find that sort if attitude so old fashioned.

Yes 50 years ago when people didn’t move away from where they were born, I can get where that attitude came from. But nowadays, people move away. Because they want to. Because they’ve met someone who was born in another part of the country. Because they have no choice if they want a job or the job they trained for. It’s hardly unusual to move away from where you were born and ‘family’.

Keeping in touch, going to see family etc… is not that hard really. I mean I’ve done it with my own family from the other side of the world. First when I moved away as a child with my parents. Then I moved away myself and then again when my parents moved away again, back to our home country.
Somehow we are all still in contact with each other, family see each other, keep in touch etc…
Is that as close as what the OP describes between her parents and her dsister? Nope. But then I know many many people would find that unbearable anyway!
Does it mean that EVERYONE has to make an effort? Well yes! And especially between parents and children. But again, making the effort to go and see your own adult child and your grand children once or twice a year isn’t the end of the world either.