Is it supposed to be like this when you move away?

[TawnyLarue]

I moved away from my home city about 10 years ago. Moved in with my boyfriend (now husband) and we now have two small children (one in school).

We live about 3 hours from my mum, dad and sister (who has a baby).

we have a happy life here. We both work full time. It’s hard, working and looking after the kids and house but we do our best. We really don’t have much in terms of support/childcare (husbands parents live abroad now, although they didn’t when i first moved here) so we never really get out but that’s just the way it is right now. Kids are happy and settled in school and nursery and our house is being renovated.

My family have not visited us in something like 3 or 4 years. Have not even seen our new house, which we have been in for a year now. It all falls to me, every single time, to go and see them with the kids. I don’t know when they would ever see the kids if I didn’t take them through (although I should say they absolutely love the kids and are so good and kind to them when we do go through, spend lots of time with them etc. the kids love them).

I take the kids through as much as I can, because I am desperate for them to have a good relationship with my family, but to be honest I am tired and I am losing the notion. It’s hurtful. My husband gets quite annoyed about it as well, feels like we make all the effort. If we invite them, they sort of vaguely say “yes we’ll need to come soon” but won’t ever commit or be tied to a date. They clearly don’t want to come. There is definitely an element of “well you moved away so…🤷🏻‍♀️” They are with my sister almost every day, by the way. She lives locally to them.

I am a bit lonely. I accept it was my choice to move away - I suspect my mums nose is out of joint over it, to be honest - but is this what it is meant to be like? Really?

Are you from a family where no one has ever moved away? Cousins, extended family etc. always live within the same 10 mile radius? Because in those families I have seen this kind of behaviour, it’s like the family can’t comprehend why anyone would move away. It’s very strange, insular behaviour and I would say that it confirms you were right to move away and start your own family with your husband and kids. I’m sorry your parents and sibling/s are so useless, but I would focus on your own family now and building out links in the community you’re in.

We moved 600+ miles away for career reasons. My parents did come to visit frequently and actually ended up moving near us. We didn't visit them as often because of the driving distance and the expenses involved. Frankly, those were our 'shoestring' days. My parents loved to travel anyway and said that it was much easier for 2 retired adults to drive 600 miles than it was for 2 working parents with small children.

I think one of the things about moving from one's 'home town' is that everyone still there often thinks you're going to want to be the one to travel since you're to want to 'come home and see everybody'.

This - I moved away and see it as absolutely my responsibility to visit home, rather than expect people to have to take their time & incur costs for a choice I made.

I think one of the things about moving from one's 'home town' is that everyone still there often thinks you're going to want to be the one to travel since you're to want to 'come home and see everybody

In fairness it is totally true for me - I do like to go home and see everybody.

Well this is why I was asking. It’s interesting to get other perspectives and I do see yours. Would you not like them to visit you too though? See your home etc? Show an interest in where and how you live?

But do you mean you’d be perfectly happy for your family to never even see your home? Because I think that’s extremely strange. I think visiting loved ones new houses when they move is such a lovely, exciting thing to do, when your family member is keen to show you round their new home and be proud. The lack of interest in doing that from OP’s family is clearly rude.

@TawnyLarue yes and to be fair, I moved away 20 years ago and they have all visited occasionally, maybe once every few years or so, but seeing my house isn't a priority for them & they're very busy, so I see it as my responsibility to carve out time for us to visit them.

We live close to where my DH is from however his family all moved away (parents retired to the coast & his sister moved away for work after uni). His sister often gets stroppy about us not visiting, but again, we're busy & have honestly no interest in seeing her house etc. We do visit once every other year (take turns over the Christmas holiday period) & occasionally meet up halfway somewhere the kids will like (as shes 3 hours away) but thats it, & even thats a chore given we live 5 miles from where she grew up.

His parents come back regularly and also visit her regularly (they don't live near each other) so they do the bulk of the travelling.

(Sorry for the saga, just trying to give the full picture.)

@vibecheck we got a load of renovation work done last year & i gave my mum a tour on facetime. No need for her to physically be here.

It may be weird to you but its not to me - I'd suggest that you need to accept that people are different. Doesn't mean they don't care or are strange, just that they are different with different priorities!

We moved away from both sets of parents. My in-laws visited every month without fail (would have come more often but FiL worked some weekends).
Mine, I can count on both hands the number of times they came to stay with us. My sister came regularly, and we went there as often as possible, but my DC are close to my in-laws, and were not close to my parents.

I stopped getting annoyed about it when I realised their dogs were more important than me and my family. Their loss.

I moved 4 hours away from my family. I go home about once a year, but my parents visit me at least 3 times a year because we have plenty of space for them to stay. They are late 60s but if they can’t face driving they get the train. Yes it’s a hassle but it’s not a big deal if you have plenty of time and you’re not travelling with tiny children.

Can they afford to travel? Do they have to pay for a hotel or can they stay with you? Are they a bit funny about staying with people? To be honest, they might just be creatures of routine or a bit lazy. Might be nothing to do with you personally.

Yes I think this too. I think if you choose to move so far away from where your friends and family are that they need to drive for six hours or stay at least overnight to visit you, you accept that visits will be rare.

You made the decision to go, the journey is yours to make.

Yep, this is what it's like for us. Barely any visits, then moaning I don't visit enough...over the years, I've sent presents, visited when someone is ill, all sorts. Bugger all in return, you moved away, yadda, yadda.

Now when someone turns up for once in 6 years and demands I lock my dogs up, it doesn't go well. If they were here regularly, it would be easier but it's not and tbh, now I'm older, I'm fed up of the lack of respect.

I disagree with this whole “ you moved away” nonsense. You’re three hours away, not in the Antarctic. They should visit. Even very occasionally. It’s called having a loving and caring relationship.

Thats not normal, surely they could manage at least one visit each year. I think you should talk to them about how much it hurts you. We visit family that live a similar distance away about 3 times a year, it isn't that hard to out the effort in if you love and care about someone.

I completely agree with this. It doesn't really matter who did the moving or for why. If you care about someone you should put some effort in, at least occasionally.

I think if you move away, you have to expect relationships/friendships to suffer.
One of my in-laws has moved away, and much as we used to be close, it’s a lot of effort to go to when there are plenty of people 10min away to hang out with.
My kids are only ones I’d go to great effort to visit regardless of distance!

I’m their kid!

I’m 2.5 hrs from my entire family and it hurts that it’s always us going to visit them, especially my parents but I’m trying to accept that they can only manage what they can manage. I’m sure if I became a grandparent one day then I’d try harder than they do; but you can’t make people do what they don’t want to do :(

It took my SIL two years to come and see our 'new' house once - she lived in the same town as us 😂

Some people just don't enjoy visiting that much - they are happy in their own space and can't really be bothered with the travel. It's a bit crap when it's your own parents though. Any chance of moving closer?

Now that the kids are gone, it's true for me too. But when the kids were young, it was a little more difficult to get there more frequently.

These days I go for two weeks every year

In my experience family members who don’t bother to visit when you live miles away tend to be disappointing even if you do move closer, so I’d be wary of that.

No, we’re not going to move. The kids’ lives are here and they are happy and settled with lots of friends, clubs etc. I don’t want to uproot them, especially the eldest who just loves her school.

With you on this, I also can't imagine it. My parents are more interested in my daughter than me to be fair 😂 but that's fine. They still came to see me before we had her. Have you raised it with them?

We moved 4 hours away to a beautiful part of the country. The first time my husband's parents visited, they got out of the car saying they could have flown to Turkey in that time. They have been maybe 3 times in ten years, but they get grumpy if we don't visit them. As time goes by I tell myself it's their loss, though I do feel for my children as my own parents are no longer alive.

Could've written this myself 😪