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Original poster

Is this really how it has to be? (Elderly care related)

113 replies

Roastingcoffee · 30/08/2023 07:43

I realise this is a sensitive topic and I hope I’m not being insensitive.

my parents in law have been ill since dc were tiny. We cared for MIL who had dementia until she died last year. I gave up work to look after her; even after she had to go into a home I visited every day and sat with her.

FIL is old and frail. He uses a wheelchair and has a catheter, which regularly gets blocked and leads to a UTI. This happens about once every three to six weeks. We’ve tried everything to avoid it, but short of round the clock medical care (ie more than a care home will offer) we can’t seem to avoid this situation.

he takes antibiotics and normally recovers fully within a few days. Sometimes he has to go to hospital to be put on a drip. Every time this happens DH is terrified that he will die. We all drop everything - holidays, days out, work commitments.

We have never been anywhere with the kids that is longer than 2 hours drive because of worry about PIL (DH is an only child). I can’t keep up friendships because I frequently have to cancel commitments. I think people think it’s an excuse - they don’t believe there can be this many emergencies.

i think that part of the problem is dh’s anxiety that if we are not there all the time the worst will happen, but he is also right that the system has failed us so many times and we can’t trust that anyone else will care. He is going through a kind of living hell of grief and I want to support him.

My youngest has just turned 10 and it made me realise that we have already spent a decade in this limbo, and it could well be a decade more. I love my father in law but, selfishly, I feel like I have given the best years of my life and my career to looking after other people. I’m early 40s. My career is shredded. I have no pension. The rest of my life may well be taken up in caring for elderly people (my own parents are healthy now but in their late 70s). I feel like my whole life is a waiting room.

is this just the way that it has to be? How can I come to terms with this reality?

OP posts:

RhymesWithTangerine · 30/08/2023 07:45

You gave up work to care for PIL?

Original poster

Roastingcoffee · 30/08/2023 07:50

I gave up work for MiL. I went back to work after she died last April. Dh earns 3x what I do and one of us had to do it as she had advanced dementia and needed almost constant support, so obviously it had to be me.

OP posts:

Howtotalksoyourparentslisten · 30/08/2023 07:51

This sounds a nightmare. You’re the one that has given up everything though - your DH might be stressed and worried but he’s still going to work, living his life, your kids are still going to school, while you’ve put your life on hold. Now that your MIL has passed are you able to go back to work or are you caring for FIL as well? Does he live with you?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Care homes Dementia & alzheimer's

DisforDarkChocolate · 30/08/2023 07:52

It didn't obviously have to be you.

Live your life and stop putting your needs last.

Clymene · 30/08/2023 07:53

No it doesn't have to be like that. You don't have to be a full time carer for your husband's parents.

Clymene · 30/08/2023 07:53

Apart from anything else, it's monstrously unfair on your children

Rocknrollstar · 30/08/2023 07:54

FiL needs to go into a nursing home and you need to get a life of your own. You’ve been amazing but now you and your children are suffering. If he can’t go into a home, employ a carer. Contact social services for help and advice.

Howtotalksoyourparentslisten · 30/08/2023 07:54

Sorry just seen your update. I agree with PP - it didn’t have to be you - most people don’t give up work especially when their relatives are in a care home.

Original poster

Roastingcoffee · 30/08/2023 07:58

I’m back at work but very part time, and at a lower level than before.

Ive tried setting boundaries and saying I will only visit x number of times a week, and leaving dh to do all the practical things like organising caters. He has stepped up and I have left him to it even when he has made mistakes as I do think it’s his responsibility, ultimately. It’s difficult because FIL still expects me to be there all the time and I feel terrible.

But the problem is when we have an emergency, every month or so, where everything has to stop. The summer holidays this year have been full of cancelled days out for the kids, our holiday cut short.

OP posts:

Original poster

Roastingcoffee · 30/08/2023 07:59

*carers not caters

OP posts:

AutumnLeaves5 · 30/08/2023 08:01

My elderly grandfather kept getting UTIs and the doctor prescribed a very low dose antibiotic that they took constantly which seemed to prevent it. The said the negative impacts of being continuously on antibiotics were lower than the impact of repeated UTIs. Might be something to push with the doctor.

Thelondonone · 30/08/2023 08:02

You but especially your dh are tu I ont your cuildren’s childhoods. Your fil has lived his life. Your children must come first. You don’t both need to be there in an ‘emergency’ (though some of what you mention are not emergencies). His dad is going to die but his relationship with his child can still be rescued.

BeyondMyWits · 30/08/2023 08:02

It really does not have to be you. So sorry you have been made to feel that.

My MIL has dementia (vascular and Alzheimers). My DH bought in care for her, visits her and fetches her here for Sunday lunch (I set my boundaries a long time ago).

Your children need to know that there is more to life than mum skivvying for others.

Xrays · 30/08/2023 08:04

He needs a proper assessment and carers coming in every day as a bare minimum. What kind of support does he currently have? If it’s just you and your dh then that needs to change. Contact your council as a starting point for a social service’s assessment and also the GP. It sounds like he needs to be in a nursing home.

justforthisnow · 30/08/2023 08:05

Clymene · 30/08/2023 07:53

No it doesn't have to be like that. You don't have to be a full time carer for your husband's parents.

Agree with this 100%. Plus the fact that your husband is "terrified" his father will die, despite the fact he is elderly, frail and has multiple co morbidities needs addressing. His dad will die, for certain, this is a fact of life, and shouldnt be a terrifying fact at this stage of his life, he has lived what sounds like a long life and is not in good health, what does your husband think will happen? You should not be shouldering the care burden here, and your children deserve more present parents and holidays that are not at the mercy of a phone call that may or may not come. I do have huge sympathy for your husband and you, old age and death is a grim but necessary part of ageing parents, but the sacrifice you are making is way out of proportion to what your husband has made to date and your children need to not pay the price for your husbands decisions.

HellonHeels · 30/08/2023 08:07

Your FIL is going to die whatever you do.

You are ruining your children's childhoods. Will you want them to go through what you have gone through?

Their whole lives would be sacrificing themselves for other people. I really am shocked you put everyone in the family ahead of your kids. And by everyone I am including you. You're putting your inability to say no, or put boundaries in place, or maybe your need to be a martyr ahead of your DCs' needs. Why?!

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 30/08/2023 08:07

I don't understand why you're cancelling days out and cutting your family holidays short over this?

Why can't DH stay with his dad while the rest of you carry on as normal?

If FIL does die then of course you can all come home if you feel it's necessary but what you're describing at the moment is utterly bonkers, and I say that as someone with elderly in-laws.

itisamadday · 30/08/2023 08:08

You have done all you can

It's not time to put yourself and children first

Your husband needs to be seated down and explained that you have done all you can and there's nothing left to sacrifice

I did this in my 20s I only last 7 years and it was absolute hell. My life was nothing I missed out on so much and became resentful. I said enough was enough You need to do the same

HamishTheCamel · 30/08/2023 08:08

Sorry OP but I agree with everyone else. It's too late to say this now but you shouldn't have given up work to care for your MIL. She didn't need daily visits. When your FIL goes into hospital you don't need to drop everything (it's up to DH if he does). Put yourself, your DC and your work and friendships first for once.

ohtowinthelottery · 30/08/2023 08:10

I'm sorry but you need to put your child first not your FIL. Your child only gets one chance at childhood memories and I'm sure you don't want yours to remember that Grandad was more important than them. I say that as someone who lived 22 years of life revolving around medical emergencies of one of my DCs but we didn't stop life for the other child. We had holidays abroad and in this country with DC1 (with multiple disabilities and medical conditions staying in respite) so that DC2 got as near normal a childhood as possible.

DurhamDurham · 30/08/2023 08:11

The summer holidays this year have been full of cancelled days out for the kids, our holiday cut short

This is what your children will remember when they grow up, your husband and you need to put them first.
It's devastating to lose a parent but when someone is old, frail and with health problems it surely cannot come as a shock and terrify your husband that this is what will happen.
I do think you've sacrificed so much already, you need to put yourself and your children ahead of your fil. If carers aren't enough then the other alternative is a nursing/residential home.

Good luck.

RhymesWithTangerine · 30/08/2023 08:19

so obviously it had to be me.

You have really been indoctrinated by your DH’s fears. You need to put your foot down for your DC. That is awful about cancelled days out. Put your children first.

MummyJ36 · 30/08/2023 08:20

There is a balance in here somewhere. What are you describing is something I’ve seen a few times but over a much shorter period of time. For example my wedding we had an elderly family member who was ill and my mother ended up being the on-call person to help with any emergencies. I know she felt sad at times at not being able to be as present with wedding stuff but as I was an adult myself it was more than I felt sorry for her situation rather than feeling I was personally missing out. Had I been a child and my holidays and trips out were constantly cancelled for an elderly family member I would grow to resent the situation after such a prolonged period of time.

It is totally admirable that you have given over yourself so much to caring for your in-laws. It shows a real strength of character and kindness that not many people have these days, particularly for non blood relatives. However you do need to claw back some independence. As an only child myself I understand your DH’s fear of losing his parents, it’s something I have long worried about myself. But it is not fair that this responsibility seems to have solely fallen to you whilst DH continues to work and dip and and out of it.

I think at this stage you need to draw a hard line of when you will be ‘on call‘ to assist situ emergencies. I’d also recommend, harsh as it may seem, booking a holiday somewhere just you and the kids that is more than 2 hours drive away. You need a break and so do the kids. DH can stay and be on call. This is not you being selfish it is you prioritising your own family and mental health. I think there needs to be more set times when you are not available and to have a serious discussion with DH about what the plan is when you are not there to constantly drop your own plans and pick up the pieces.

Parky04 · 30/08/2023 08:21

Sorry OP I have little sympathy for you. You had suitable alternatives, but you have chosen to martyr yourself. Your own parents will now probably expect the same, and your DH will be the one moaning!

Mydogisagentleman · 30/08/2023 08:23

Supra pubic catheters block less frequently than the 'normal ' ones if that's any help

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