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Original poster

Is this really how it has to be? (Elderly care related)

113 replies

Roastingcoffee · 30/08/2023 07:43

I realise this is a sensitive topic and I hope I’m not being insensitive.

my parents in law have been ill since dc were tiny. We cared for MIL who had dementia until she died last year. I gave up work to look after her; even after she had to go into a home I visited every day and sat with her.

FIL is old and frail. He uses a wheelchair and has a catheter, which regularly gets blocked and leads to a UTI. This happens about once every three to six weeks. We’ve tried everything to avoid it, but short of round the clock medical care (ie more than a care home will offer) we can’t seem to avoid this situation.

he takes antibiotics and normally recovers fully within a few days. Sometimes he has to go to hospital to be put on a drip. Every time this happens DH is terrified that he will die. We all drop everything - holidays, days out, work commitments.

We have never been anywhere with the kids that is longer than 2 hours drive because of worry about PIL (DH is an only child). I can’t keep up friendships because I frequently have to cancel commitments. I think people think it’s an excuse - they don’t believe there can be this many emergencies.

i think that part of the problem is dh’s anxiety that if we are not there all the time the worst will happen, but he is also right that the system has failed us so many times and we can’t trust that anyone else will care. He is going through a kind of living hell of grief and I want to support him.

My youngest has just turned 10 and it made me realise that we have already spent a decade in this limbo, and it could well be a decade more. I love my father in law but, selfishly, I feel like I have given the best years of my life and my career to looking after other people. I’m early 40s. My career is shredded. I have no pension. The rest of my life may well be taken up in caring for elderly people (my own parents are healthy now but in their late 70s). I feel like my whole life is a waiting room.

is this just the way that it has to be? How can I come to terms with this reality?

OP posts:
HamishTheCamel · 30/08/2023 08:27

My PILs are in their 80s and in very poor health (MIL had a stroke last year and FIL regularly on antibiotics). DH earns 4x as much as me. There is zero chance of me giving up my job ti care for them!

Original poster
Roastingcoffee · 30/08/2023 08:28

Thank you everyone. I guess I did need a wake up call. I think our problem is at least as much to do with dh than to do with anything else. I just don’t know how to address it. We can’t survive on my income alone.

OP posts:
Lovetotravel123 · 30/08/2023 08:30

My hat off to you for putting your in-laws first. You sound like an exceptionally kind and dutiful person. But enough now. It’s your time now. Organise professional care and make sure your husband steps in as needed. Turn it on its head; if he helps more he will feel better when your FIL dies. I mean that he won’t feel guilty about not being there for him. Book yourself a holiday with the kids and go far away so it can’t be cancelled.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Care homes Dementia & alzheimer's
pepino · 30/08/2023 08:35

You have virtually wasted 10 years of yours and your children's lives on caring for your in-laws. It's not fair on you or them.
Sorry to be harsh, but he's lived his life and if he expects you to put him above your children that's incredibly selfish.
You need to start saying no. Don't cancel plans, if your DH wants to cancel, let him and you carry on with the children so they don't miss out.

copperhat · 30/08/2023 08:36

Social care needs assessment for FIL - unless he's loaded in which case he can pay for care at home.

Stop martyring yourself.

Original poster
Roastingcoffee · 30/08/2023 08:38

In terms of care - fil is self funding. But his money is dwindling. So not enough money to pay for a care home (they need to see evidence of 2 years funds) but too much money for the local authority to help.

the care system is fucked - he has Carers visiting but but it’s not enough to keep him safe let alone ensure any quality of life. That is a fact of our care system and not just us being martyrs

OP posts:
romdowa · 30/08/2023 08:41

Roastingcoffee · 30/08/2023 08:38

In terms of care - fil is self funding. But his money is dwindling. So not enough money to pay for a care home (they need to see evidence of 2 years funds) but too much money for the local authority to help.

the care system is fucked - he has Carers visiting but but it’s not enough to keep him safe let alone ensure any quality of life. That is a fact of our care system and not just us being martyrs

Edited

Does he own his house? If so then he'll have to use the house to fund his care

Thehippowife · 30/08/2023 08:41

I think you have a DH problem rather than an in laws one - no one is “dying” for 10 years. If dh has been dropping everything for his parents over the last 10 years, this is a serious issue and shows him to be quite anxious and dramatic. Death is a part of life, and it might help your DH to get some therapy around this and how to accept it. If your father In law passes in his sleep - is that it? Are you never allowed to sleep again? Things have to be put into perspective or your children will grow up and leave the first chance they get.

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/08/2023 08:45

No, it doesn’t. Why did you assume responsibility for your in-laws? I won’t be caring for my in-laws or my parents. We do t expect our children to care for us, in fact we would hate it. That’s not why we had children.

You need to put a plan in place with your SH. This is not your responsibility.

willowstar · 30/08/2023 08:46

My husband's mum is bed bound (kind of by choice but that is a whole different topic) and needs a lot of support. We both work full time but he works very closely to where she is and does a lot. Before she had proper carers going in, he has left me and the children on holiday and gone home to deal with medical crises. It was frustrating. Even now we don't go too far away in case he needs to rush back. He goes over pretty much every day. Not sure what the answer is as this has been going on a few years and could continue for a while yet.

You need to start looking after yourself and just getting on with things. I just do things myself with the children if he isn't around. I don't cancel anything. It is his choice to be so involved. Harsh though that may sound.

LakeTiticaca · 30/08/2023 08:49

People are living longer nowadays but not necessarily in good health, many kept going simply by repeated antibiotics and drugs, the end result being just more misery.
You FIL probably needs to go into a home for 24/7 care.its not fair on you or your children as you seem to be doing the bulk of the caring and your dc are missing out on life.
Get adult social care in and find a care home so you and your dc can have a life of sorts

rookiemere · 30/08/2023 08:52

I feel sorry for your DCs. No summer holidays, days out being cut short- in a very few years they won't want to spend time with you due to their age and here you are squandering the best ones.

I'm really lucky as DPs are in reasonable health despite their age, but have already resolved that I cannot sacrifice myself for them ( I am an only DC). They wouldn't expect me to, but won't accept a home cleaner and DF has stated repeatedly he doesn't want to go into a home.

This has gone on far too long for your poor DCs. Take them away without DH, he can come or not as he wishes.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 30/08/2023 08:54

Has your DH spoken to his GP? When DM was ill my GP told me to tell the hospital that I was unable to care for her as it was the only way she would get the help she needed. DH was self employed and helped a lot with appointments, shopping etc. as I worked full time but I made it clear to the hospital doctor that if they discharged her there would be no one to look after her she needed more care than I was able to give whilst working.

I felt like shit and the doctor looked at me as though I was something on the bottom of her shoe and said 'In that case I'll have to get social services involved' so I told her to go ahead, that was fine. Unfortunately DM took a turn for the worse and died on the day the hospital had been planning to discharge her.

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 30/08/2023 08:54

Not having enough money is just an excuse. Once your FIL’s capital drops below £23000, his care will be funded (to a point) unless he has other assets that can be sold.

Yes, you have to give the care home proof of funds, but if you have or get a social worker they will help you with how to approach this. Make sure when choosing a home that the cost will either be fully covered when his capital runs out, or you can afford the top-ups to save having to move him in the future.

I agree with others that there is absolutely no reason for your family life to be put on hold for every emergency. Your husband is perfectly capable of dealing with things by himself, and you can then go and see your FIL when you’ve finished what you were doing with the kids.

Zippedydoodahday · 30/08/2023 08:56

Use what money he has left to employ full time carers. When it runs out it will be down to the local authority to find him a suitable setting. You could always pay a voluntary top up to get him somewhere nicer. Even if you as a couple end up paying out much of what you earn it will be better for you to get your career back on track, build up a pension etc.

Crochetablanket · 30/08/2023 08:58

Roastingcoffee · 30/08/2023 08:28

Thank you everyone. I guess I did need a wake up call. I think our problem is at least as much to do with dh than to do with anything else. I just don’t know how to address it. We can’t survive on my income alone.

I’m not sure what you mean by ‘ we cannot survive on my income alone’ ?
No one is suggesting your DH gives up work - just that there are other solutions to this which don’t involve YOU being the one who has to give up your life.

TBH I know many people with elderly parents and not one of them has given up their job - it seems very extreme and I wonder how that came about in the first place - was it your Dh who basically said there’s no alternative ? You both seem to have very black and white views on this which I’m guessing comes from your DH anxiety?

Gymmum82 · 30/08/2023 09:02

What do you think people do who don’t live near their parents? Or elderly folk that don’t have family?
You don’t need to give up work to care for your PIL nor do you need to cancel days out for whatever ‘emergency’ has arisen that day.
Prioritise your kids. You are ruining their childhood. How many summer holidays do you think youll have left if your child is 10 already? Not many. Your FIL needs to go in to a care home and then if he gets sick the care home can deal with it. Your husband needs to get to grips with the fact his father will die. He’s an old man. With a very poor quality of life by the sounds of it. It’s inevitable. You’ve already put your life on hold for 10 years. Stop it now before your kids are grown and you’ve missed their entire childhood

cptartapp · 30/08/2023 09:04

Your PIL let you give up work to be MIL carer indefinitely? They really let you do that?! And now FIL is happy for you both to prioritise him at the end of his life over you and your DC in the prime of yours. Opportunities you will never get back.
Wow. Dreadful parenting. Did they pay into a pension for you? Subsidise your losses?

And if the only reason he is kept at home is you propping up the situation then you need to step away. Social services are relying on you to fill the gaps and keep him out of a care home and you've fallen for it. You will regret this.

RhymesWithTangerine · 30/08/2023 09:04

Crochetablanket · 30/08/2023 08:58

I’m not sure what you mean by ‘ we cannot survive on my income alone’ ?
No one is suggesting your DH gives up work - just that there are other solutions to this which don’t involve YOU being the one who has to give up your life.

TBH I know many people with elderly parents and not one of them has given up their job - it seems very extreme and I wonder how that came about in the first place - was it your Dh who basically said there’s no alternative ? You both seem to have very black and white views on this which I’m guessing comes from your DH anxiety?

Show quote history

This^

OP, you seem to have completely centred your PILs care in your life even above your own DC and your careers. Stop doing this.

FIL can sell his house and go into care.

PinkCherryBlossoms · 30/08/2023 09:05

I’d also recommend, harsh as it may seem, booking a holiday somewhere just you and the kids that is more than 2 hours drive away. You need a break and so do the kids. DH can stay and be on call.

That's a great idea from @MummyJ36.

I'd go even further and try to be somewhere non drivable if possible. Doesn't have to be that far, so for example if you're in England you could fly to Belfast or Dublin for a city break. Or something of that nature. But where it's impossible for you to get involved, and where your DC will take priority. And don't cancel it if there's an emergency in the days before going, either.

AnnaMagnani · 30/08/2023 09:08

FILneeds a referral to Urology for a suprapubic catheter.

Your DH needs a stern talking to that his children are only young once and his wife didn't marry him to nurse his parents.

Boomboom22 · 30/08/2023 09:10

Sounds absolutely awful, why did your husband and pil allow you to do that for your mil? She should have been in a home, completely inappropriate for someone with dementia needing 24hr care to be put on a dil. My own mother would never ever want me to do that for her. I think you need to tell your husband you can't live like this, fil needs to be in a place he can be cated for, how dare your husband keep his career while yours died amd you miss your kids childhood as do they! dont do it anymore.

Lalgarh · 30/08/2023 09:19

@Roastingcoffee
I'm sorry you have to put up with this. As for your father in law there should be regular catheter clinics where they spot / clean all that business. I assume there is or regular district nurse visits

kweeble · 30/08/2023 09:31

You’ve chosen this life and you’re right - it’s not fair on your son.
I would step back and leave care and response to emergencies to your husband. Let your FIL go into a care home and start enjoying your own lives.

HamishTheCamel · 30/08/2023 10:00

Your FIL needs to sell his house and move into a residential care home. You need to book something lovely for you and your DC to do for the last week of the holidays and NOT cancel it.