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Original poster

Worried about my friend

35 replies

Astra1920 · 29/08/2023 22:41

Hi I was wondering if I could get some advice please, on the best way to help my friend as I'm at a total loss on what to do.

My friend & I have been friends for almost 4 years, we met through mutual friends.

My friend is a awesome person & great mum & friend.

However she's been going through a hard time with her on & off bf. He's a complete twat in my opinion. He's really not nice, he's verbally abusive towards her.
She's had previous issues with alcohol, I don't know how bad it was but she's started drinking again.
It obviously got bad as her family called SS because they were concerned about the safety & welfare of her child.

Her child's father has taken custody of the child & has had him for the past 4 months.
She tells me how much she misses her child but has made next to no effort at getting child back & has only made contact with child's father about child 3 times in 4 months. Which I honestly don't understand.

I've offered advice to contact citizens advice, police, SS. She said she rung police & but they won't help as it's a civil matter & he has parental responsibility, is that true, can they refuse to help?

Now it's heading to court. I just wondered what may happen, will they take into account that she's made no effort to gain custody back or lack off effort made for contact?

She's convinced that child's father will get custody.

She's taken no responsibility at all for this, she won't accept she has an issue with alcohol & solely blames ber family & child dad for all this happening.

I just don't know how to help her when she won't take advice. She complains about partner & his verbal abuse but when I suggest for them to take a break while all this custody stuff is going on but she says how he's been there for her, how much she loves him etc. In my opinion she's putting her relationship first above getting her child back.

I'm just at a loss what to do to help. Advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks.

OP posts:

PingPowKaPowWow · 29/08/2023 22:44

I think you have her number.

Best advice I can offer is.. not your circus, not your monkeys.

Original poster

Astra1920 · 29/08/2023 22:48

@PingPowKaPowWow Thanks.

OP posts:

Holly60 · 29/08/2023 22:53

Do you actually think you should be helping her to regain custody of her child? Is it in the child's best interests?

I'm not sure she is able to have custody of her child at the moment, from what you've said.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 29/08/2023 22:56

She sounds useless and pathetic and the child is probably best off with the dad..

Original poster

Astra1920 · 29/08/2023 23:02

To be honest, I don't know, it's all such a mess. I'm really worried about her though.

OP posts:

Nagado · 30/08/2023 09:32

I think the only thing you can do is step back a bit. You can’t fix this for her and she’s not willing to fix things for herself. You’ve done all you can do.

Also, I know you think she appears to be a great mum, but it doesn’t sound like she is. Perhaps her DC is better off with dad?

Kerrylass · 30/08/2023 09:41

She knows what she has to do. Its up to her ultimately if she wants to do it.

People who complain about their situation but ultimately do nothing at all to resolve it are the most frustrating.

My advice to you is have a blunt conversation with her, spell it out. She needs to step up, fight for her kids. If she doesn't then they are better off with their Dad.

Original poster

Astra1920 · 30/08/2023 10:18

@Nagado I think stepping back a bit is good idea to be honest. I've done all I can to help, give advice. Thank you for your advice.

@Kerrylass I'm not the blunt kind of person, I agree she knows what she has to do, only she get herself out of this shitty situation. Thank you for your advice.

OP posts:

GreyCarpet · 30/08/2023 10:24

No, the police won't do anything. He has PR so has just as much right to be the child's parent as she has and at least he is fulfilling his responsibility by actually caring for the child.

I would also step back. You are advising her to contact all these people assuming they will help her recover her child, yet she doesn't seem to have any interest in doing so, has barely made contact with the father and it would seem that the child is in the best place!

I'm not sure what you're expecting anyone else to do tbh.

I'd also be wary of becoming too involved for your own mental health.

GreyCarpet · 30/08/2023 10:26

Now it's heading to court. I just wondered what may happen, will they take into account that she's made no effort to gain custody back or lack off effort made for contact?

Yes they will.

clarebear111 · 30/08/2023 10:31

It sounds like your friend has an issue with alcohol OP. Perhaps she was a functioning alcoholic and is now no longer able to function.

My MIL was a functioning alcoholic for many years. Sadly she loved the drink more than anything else, including her family. It was part of the disease for her. She never sought help and is now living with alcohol related brain damage in a care facility, in her mid 60s. She is no longer able to access alcohol there, but she still craves it and talks about it often.

It is admirable that you want to help your friend, but she needs to want to help herself first. It may be that she never reaches the point where she genuinely wants to change, and you have no control over when or if it happens.

I would step back. Alcoholism and alcohol dependency are hideous things, and you may find yourself sucked in to a vortex if you don't put some boundaries up now.

Original poster

Astra1920 · 30/08/2023 10:38

@GreyCarpet Thank you. I'm definitely going to take a step back. I will definitely take care of my own mental health.

OP posts:

cheezncrackers · 30/08/2023 10:48

She's taken no responsibility at all for this, she won't accept she has an issue with alcohol & solely blames her family & child dad for all this happening.

Right, then there is nothing you can do OP. If she was serious about getting her kids back she'd have worked with SS from the start, asked what she needed to do, done it, got supervised access, etc. She won't even admit she has an issue so I'm with the first PP. Leave her to it.

Original poster

Astra1920 · 30/08/2023 10:52

Sorry I should've mentioned that SS didn't take the child out of the home. But dad did.

OP posts:

GreyCarpet · 30/08/2023 10:56

Tbh, it doesn't really matter.

He has PR so he can if he doesn't feel his child is being cared for properly.

She isn't bothered so... 🤷🏻‍♀️

Its nice that you care about her and the situation but it seems only you and the child's father do.

He has acted to protect the child. You need to protect yourself.

Original poster

Astra1920 · 30/08/2023 11:20

@GreyCarpet I'm not sure it's a case of she's just not bothered. I think she thinks it's a fight she just can't can't win.
I still don't understand her not trying or making an effort though, even to make contact. She gave up pretty much straight away. Took her almost 2 months to contact police & SS to ask for help.
I'm not sure I could just give up on my child like that.

I honestly feel desperately sad for her child. How's it going to affect child in long run, how's it going to affect his relationship with mum.

OP posts:

Original poster

Astra1920 · 30/08/2023 11:22

Sorry it took her a month not 2 to contact police & SS for help.

OP posts:

ClawedButler · 30/08/2023 11:28

Addiction is an absolute bastard, and I do feel for her. It's difficult to understand from the outside, but addiction comes from a place of feeling lesser, wrong or that something is missing - losing custody of her child would, to the rest of us, seem like the reason you'd knuckle down and do what you could to recover. But to her it's further proof that she is lesser, wrong, with something missing. So she drinks more.

It's not your job to help her though - she has to want it, and it has to be professional help. I think all you can do is be there. Maybe have a look at https://www.ukat.co.uk/help-guides/help-an-alcoholic/ for some ideas.

Best of luck to both of you - she is lucky to have such a caring friend.

How to help an alcoholic | Supporting an alcoholic

Helping someone with alcohol addiction? Here is our guide on how to help a person with alcohol addiction and how to start their journey away from alcohol abuse.

https://www.ukat.co.uk/help-guides/help-an-alcoholic

GreyCarpet · 30/08/2023 11:29

The child protection system is littered with children whose parents 'care' but not enough (or lack the capacity) to do anything about it.

Your friend currently falls into that category.

Why do you feel desperately sad for the child? I'd feel desperately sad for them if they were living with her and being neglected by her with no one to step in and provide an alternative but her child is living, presumably in better conditions, with their father. Don't make the mistake of assuming mum is always best

As for the relationship between her and her child in the future, with kindness and respect, that is not your responsibility or concern either. In the same way that the relationship between an absent father and his child is not the mother's responsibility.

This is what everyone means about taking a step back and seeing the situation for what it is.

It's a shame for her child that she can't prioritise them but only she can change things and she hasn't shown any interest or impetus in doing so.

Whatsmyusername1235 · 30/08/2023 11:33

If she is putting this new partner before her own child then imo she doesn’t deserve custody of the child.
she’s not accepting responsibility for her drinking problem and is blaming everyone else but herself.
if the child is safe with his father then it’s best the child stays with him. She’s barely making any effort to contact her child, yet she gives her pathetic partner the time of day. Also, it’s an awful experience for a child to live with someone who has a drinking problem and I know this from experience. You do seem like a caring and kind friend though but don’t let this weigh you down.

Original poster

Astra1920 · 30/08/2023 11:43

I her child wasn't neglected. Her house is clean & tidy. Child was always clean & tidy & really looked after & there was lots of food in the house but she was spiralling with her drinking & that's why social services were called & that's why dad took custody.
It was suggested to her that she get professional helpnl with her drinking. But she's not willing to go to AA or anything like that, she doesn't think she has an issue & says she can stop anytime.

OP posts:

Original poster

Astra1920 · 30/08/2023 11:49

@Whatsmyusername1235 as far as I know the child is in good hands & safe with dad yes.

OP posts:

GreyCarpet · 30/08/2023 11:57

Astra1920 · 30/08/2023 11:43

If the child wasn't being neglected then why was SS called and why did dad remove the child?

Neglect isn't just about feeding and having a clean house - although these tend to fall with increased alcohol consumption.

She was clearly neglecting the child emotionally and unable to meet their needs by not prioritising them.

No one is saying she's an awful person who doesn't deserve understanding but you said yourself she hasn't made any effort to address her drinking and hasn't been proactive in addressing the child's residence situation.

That is also neglect. Would you rather people had waited until the child was suffering physically before someone stepped in?

She isn't able to protect her child's emotional wellbeing. The LA threshold is that a child is 'at risk' from harm. Given the situation you describe, her child is 'at risk' from harm.

GreyCarpet · 30/08/2023 11:58

Or was.

AllOfThemWitches · 30/08/2023 12:04

She's ill, she needs to get better before she can focus on going to court, etc. She should maintain some sort of regular contact with her child though.

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