Worried about my friend

[Astra1920]

Hi I was wondering if I could get some advice please, on the best way to help my friend as I'm at a total loss on what to do.

My friend & I have been friends for almost 4 years, we met through mutual friends.

My friend is a awesome person & great mum & friend.

However she's been going through a hard time with her on & off bf. He's a complete twat in my opinion. He's really not nice, he's verbally abusive towards her.
She's had previous issues with alcohol, I don't know how bad it was but she's started drinking again.
It obviously got bad as her family called SS because they were concerned about the safety & welfare of her child.

Her child's father has taken custody of the child & has had him for the past 4 months.
She tells me how much she misses her child but has made next to no effort at getting child back & has only made contact with child's father about child 3 times in 4 months. Which I honestly don't understand.

I've offered advice to contact citizens advice, police, SS. She said she rung police & but they won't help as it's a civil matter & he has parental responsibility, is that true, can they refuse to help?

Now it's heading to court. I just wondered what may happen, will they take into account that she's made no effort to gain custody back or lack off effort made for contact?

She's convinced that child's father will get custody.

She's taken no responsibility at all for this, she won't accept she has an issue with alcohol & solely blames ber family & child dad for all this happening.

I just don't know how to help her when she won't take advice. She complains about partner & his verbal abuse but when I suggest for them to take a break while all this custody stuff is going on but she says how he's been there for her, how much she loves him etc. In my opinion she's putting her relationship first above getting her child back.

I'm just at a loss what to do to help. Advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks.

You can’t help someone who’s not prepared to help themselves. She will probably use all the right language to justify her inaction, but it is most likely the alcohol that is the reason. Addicts are not good parents. They say what they think you want to hear in any moment and frankly, the kids are probably better off with Dad.

But she didn't stop drinking did she and she's in denial about being addicted. Despite her protests, she's chosen to stay with this awful man and carry on drinking to excess above keeping her child. Quite when the penny will drop with her, who can say.

If she can stop anytime then why hasn’t she done that so she can get her child back? She obviously had problems but until she admits it there is nothing that can be done if she doesn’t want to believe she has a drinking problem.

The thing is that if having her child taken away hasn't stopped her drinking, then you having a word with her won't, either. Unfortunately she has to reach her own rock bottom. Her child is safe and well with the dad. He might not have been good to your friend but hopefully he's good to his child.

This. Your friend doesn’t deserve her child.

@Whatsmyusername1235 I totally agree with you.
@OhComeOnFFS As far as I know, the child is safe & well with dad. He hasn't been to good to my friend & I hope he's being a good dad too.

Yes, unfortunately I think PPs are right, she has to reach her own rock bottom. Addiction is not a logical condition, it's about emotions.

Admitting she has a drinking problem means having to stop drinking. She can't face doing that, because she needs alcohol to shield herself from unwanted thoughts and feelings. So she doesn't admit it.

Getting custody back means having to stop drinking. And how will she cope with her situation without her prop and confidante and shield, alcohol? It seems impossible. So she doesn't try to get custody.

Taking responsibility for your own choices means having to face up to the fact that your choices were awful. If it's someone else's fault, there's no need to face these horrible truths. If it's her own fault, well, what better way to assuage that guilt than to carry on a crappy relationship with a crappy man and behave like the POS you feel you are.

I'm not excusing her, I'm trying to explain some of the ways that addiction takes over a person completely. Addicts don't make great parents - or even great friends - because it's the addiction that's driving the person, not the other way around.

You can't help someone who isn't bothered. And to be honest I don't think you should trying to involve yourself as the child's welfare is paramount and it sounds like her dad has got it covered.

If she's a good friend to you, you'll just have to accept her as she is.

Be trying*

Just to update. My friend has a letter through with a court date in 2 weeks. Still with the twat bf. Other than that nothing has changed. Spoken to her about the upcoming court date & the situation with her bf & how it's a toxic & unsafe environment for her child to come back to, fallen on deaf ears. I know this sounds awful but starting to hope to she doesn't get custody.