Relative giving away brand new baby items without asking first

[GonnaGetGoingReturns]

Not my issue per se but if someone gave away all your baby things (bath, changing table, high chair etc, all brand new and good items) which you lent to them when they asked, on birth of their second baby, if these items were given away, without asking/telling you first, would you be annoyed?

Person who gave away items is very active on Instagram and WhatsApp. Couple think this couple didn’t think before giving away. She knew the couple were definitely trying for another baby. Items that were given probably total up to £1K total. Luckily couple still have baby clothes.

Not going into details as outing but close family relation and means the couple who lent the items now have to buy everything new or second hand again. Expensive cot, baby car seat etc.

I did say if it was me I’d maybe ask relative if she can maybe speak to some of the people she gave the items to and explain the situation.

As far as I know nothings been damaged… I highly doubt they’d sell the items either.

The couple who the items were lent to are quite well off. However and especially over covid one side of the couple behaved badly on a few occasions (can’t say more as outing) and I think there’s jealousy/envy there.

It would have been really easy for the wife at least in my opinion to say “hi we have these items you lent us and we wondered whether you want them back or not please let us know so we can either store them or arrange storage with other relatives/storage options”.

If anything was damaged then just say so. Couple who lent wouldn’t have minded it at all.

It’s now made me think stuff it why should I be feverish towards this family (gifts) but that’s petty I know.

it almost seems deliberate to me, the giving away. Like a little power play going on here…

On a separate issue years ago my DM lent a new but used Silver Cross pram to friends and was bitter for ages that it was never returned so I guess this happens all the time!

Happened to us. BIL1 and SIL1 had a baby 8 months after us. Lent them loads of kit. BIL2 and SIL2 pregnant a few months after that. Then they all have second babies within 18 months and BIL3 and SIL3 have one in there somewhere too.

We stuck at one, but my best friend was expecting and I asked SIL1 for the items back after their first baby. She said she had passed them to SIL2 because she didn’t think we would mind. Friend bought their own stuff. Our stuff got passed around the entire family and then we got a call asking us to go and pick it up because it was in their way now. Asked if it was still in decent nick, told yes, so traipse 250 miles to collect and it was all disgusting. Covered in cat hair (DH seriously allergic) and worn and stained as you would expect after 6 babies had used it. Dumped it at the tip on the way home.

SIL1 then gets pregnant unexpectedly and has the hump when we say we’ve binned all the stuff because they had to buy more.

DD slept in a vintage cot that was originally bought for my mum. Her 3 siblings used it, then me and my sister, then my DD, then my nephew. 8 babies and 3 generations.

The cow destroyed it by trying to turn it into a desk, messing it up and having to take it to the tip. Bloody fuming about that.

This is why I never lend items like this, only give them away.

But if they were specifically 'lent', then the couple they were lent to had no right to give them away and need to replace them. If I were the lender, I would simply ask for them back and, if not given back, make it clear that I expect replacements to be provided.

If they asked this couple to replace them then the man would throw a major strop.he has form for throwing tantrums as a grown degree educated man. Doesn’t think twice about doing this with family though has mellowed slightly in recent years.

really outing if I go into things here so won’t.

Definitely definitely were lent. not given to say they could be not returned and a gift. I double checked this several times over. Couple expecting were trying by ivf but either way covid put the brakes on that and SIL fell pregnant easily via ivf earlier this year. I do think there’s deep down some resentment etc which is partly why this has happened (again too outing to say here). Plus they know that our side of the family will buy brand new etc items no question asked as we do have money. Just seems a slight piss take. If it were me I’d ask first. And there’s plenty of storage room at their end too if not with them with 2 sets of close relatives.

I think the couple who were lent these items did think the ivf wouldn’t be successful and therefore felt easier about giving it away (not selling).

But for me, just ask before you give stuff away especially baby stuff - it’s a simple whatsapp message - do you still want it or not? If you do we will keep it by for you. Not oh they’re not having another baby yet, let’s look at all the stuff given and we will give it away for free to friends. And friends who don’t know the first couple.

@GonnaGetGoingReturns . If the man in the couple who gave the things away would have a strop about being asked to replace them, then I really wouldn't care and would start using the words "thief" and "stolen". "You are thieves", "You have stolen these things"? It is theft to deliberately give away items that are lent to you and that you were meant to be keeping safe.

Personally if I didn't care about the relationship, I'd be tempted to threaten to report to the police unless an apology and a pretty sizeable gift voucher were forthcoming and he could tantrum all he liked.

The items aren't brand new if they are now third hand. They have been used by two sets of newborns/babies.
If you didn't make it absolutely clear you wanted the items back then they probably think they are being helpful to others as you were to them.

My policy too

So I was on the other end of this... Sister has provided me with a full pram system, bouncer chairs, car seats, cots etc for my first baby. I'm currently due my second and she's going to be my last.

I was unsure about what to do with the baby items (cleaned and stored them all safely after the first one) once we were done with the second one and she has since advised she is happy for me to sell them and split the money made between mine and her kids as she is also done having kids now.

I saved a load of money on baby equipment and it helps to clear out her house too along with giving the kids a few pennies! I would never have dreamed to assume that was the case and give away/sell and keep any money myself as it's not my property. If this was me and it was a genuine mistake/miscommunication I would want to know and would be absolutely mortified and of course would reimburse everything by replacing or providing the monetary amount.

It's not difficult to ask the question... "What would you like me to to with the baby stuff?" But that's just me 🤷‍♀️

Absolutely this. If someone had offered to loan me something for a baby I would have politely declined. No way would I want the hassle of remembering who each bit of clothing etc belonged to, and knowing I couldn't just chuck if it got stained etc. Absolutely not worth dealing with that nonsense.

Thats very rude. I'd ask then to contact who ever they gave it to, asking for it all to be returned.

It isn’t clothing! Some of the bits were brand new (brand new £200 car seat, baby bath) that my relatives got as gifts but had 2 of and didn’t resell in the meantime.

Most of these items totalled approx £1K or more total and were used by my relatives once. The brand new things were new.

I think if I recall they did offer some of them as a “gift” but other couple declined and said “oh no it’s a loan and we will definitely return them”.

That would start WW3! Generally everyone gets on well but when this one man loses his temper he gets nasty and it’s not pretty.

Again I can’t go into detail as outing.

It’s not worth the relationship with them all breaking down over this and it wouldn’t happen.

@xLMCx wish more people were like it. Can’t say here as too outing but I think there are other factors here where they kinda did this on purpose. Not thinking doesn’t wash it with me. Having said that though, the wife in this case does work very hard, does more really than the father who to be fair picks up a lot of slack re childcare.

I don’t understand people lending things. If you are planning on having other children you just keep the items why would you lend them to someone else who could possibly ruin them. It’s just odd to lend and then get things back. Either give it or don’t.

I'd be annoyed but then if I hadn't explicitly asked for them back when they were finished with them, I can see how others would assume they could pass them on.

I'd be much more bothered if I had plans for another baby and would be seeking their return as that's a huge expense to replace.

In my experience lending anything never works. A friend of mine borrowed a book and DVD years ago and I never saw it again. Another friend asked if she could borrow my spare pram - I made it clear I was planning to sell it so it was only a lend. I didn’t see that for years then when it was offered back (because she wanted rid of it) it was damaged. Another friend gave me (yes gave) me a nappy bin as she had 2. Only to ask for it back a couple of weeks later as hers broke so she wanted it back. Car seats I would never buy second hand or lend out. What if it was in a car accident and they didn’t tell you? It wouldn’t be safe.
Best to just keep your stuff for you until you are sure it’s done with.
obviously doesn’t help in this situation. If she’s not been told it was given away I would ask for it all back then when told it was given away would say why have you given my stuff away and I expect to be reimbursed for it

I loaned stuff crib, bouncy chair etc to my Brother / SIL etc but was very clear - give it back as soon as you are finished - we hope to use it again. We have storage space. Not ideal to not be clear.

After DC3 I was clear - thanks - don’t want it back - if you sell it give me the money, if you give it away that's fine also.

This is exactly what happened. They had plans for another baby but had to wait over covid as nhs ivf treatment was on hold then. They did private and nhs ivf treatment as soon as they could after covid and luckily relative not long before she turned 40 got pregnant again. I’m guessing relatives lent to (close not saying who) thought SIL due to age couldn’t/wouldn’t conceive but she did!

That’s why my relatives are annoyed because they definitely had plans for another baby and wanted the equipment back. Not clothes, muslins etc.

Couple who lent items are generous, prob too generous. There is distance involved and storage issues on one side but couple lent to have 2 options as well as their own house to store these items lent.

Couple who lent items the mother was quite mildly annoyed when she told me the other day about it but as couple (v close relatives) they lent to have finished their family it’s not like first couple will need to lend items ever again! As I said there’s more to it i think than simply other couple giving away items without thinking!

If she loaned the items (making it clear they are to be returned) and the borrower gave them away it's on the person who borrowed them to either get them back or replace with the same new items. Quite simple really.

It is madness loaning baby items though, you know if things do come back they aren't coming back in the same condition. Baby stuff gets worn, tired, vommed and pooed on. People don't tend to look after stuff the same if they know it's free, if they trash it it's no loss to them.

So relative 1 had a baby then lent all the equipment to relative 2 when she had hers. Relative 1 had a second so relative 2 gave everything back. Relative 1 gave everything away and relative 2 is pissed off because she's planning another?

If I've got this right, relative 2 is a very cheeky (and entitled) fucker.

This is what I said as a last resort the borrower (or her DH) should get the stuff back and explain it was never theirs to give away…

Err not quite.

Relative 1 had a baby (surprise).

Relative 2 a year later had a baby. Relative 1 lent some items but relative 2 bought most of their own baby items (equipment rather than clothes).

Relative 1 then had their 2nd baby 2 years later and relative 2 lent them baby stuff which was partly asked for and partly offered. As far as I know it was a lend not a give. If anything was given it was stated.

Relative 2 always planned in having a second baby relative 1 knew this all along. Covid meant 2 year delay of ivf due to nhs delays.

Relative 2 assumed (probably shouldn’t have) that relative 1 was keeping the items (equipment) and probably should’ve asked before where it was. I have no idea of timeline of when items were given away but relative 1 has their house plus 2 other v close relatives houses with plenty of room to store items.

As I said all it’d take is a text/WhatsApp to say do you need x y z anymore or not? If relative 2 didn’t reply then give away. As far as I know no message.

Luckily it’s not vintage/sentimental items and one could argue it’s only money but as relative 2 is having her 2nd baby via ivf it kind of sticks in her craw what they’ve done.

I wish I could explain the family backstory but that’s far too outing and WW3 will ensue but suffice to say it’s complex family dynamics which might be behind the items being given away.

By the way, any items broken, damaged etc then relative 2 would completely understand, she’s not one to go off the deep end and would completely understand.

It means that they have to source and buy new items at fairly short notice as their baby is due soon and source eg Which! Rated car seats etc so it’s not just about the money!