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Original poster

Newish relationship question about blending our families

46 replies

Michiemich · 29/08/2023 08:43

Hi all

Hoping to not to be attacked here, just looking for helpful advice.

My partner of just 5 months (we’ve been friends for 9) is great and everything seems to be going well, we’ve met each others kids/families/friends etc and we are beginning to discuss possible future plans.

Our kids haven’t met yet, they are the sage she’s but because of location summer holiday school etc and me being cautious - we haven’t managed to yet but we’re both keen as are our kids.

they we’re supposed to travel from Yorkshire in a few weeks time, but the older girl can’t get the time off work and the youngest isn’t comfortable travelling alone by train which is fair enough (shes 14). So now they aren’t coming, but my partner has said that instead he’ll go to Yorkshire and take her out for her birthday (which is the weekend after but she’s away) on Saturday and then have lunch again with his girls and his mum on Sunday. But now I’m wondering why he hasn’t invited me and my daughter? Do you think I should bring it up, I don’t want to gatecrash but now that they aren’t coming to London to stay with me, our plan seems to be off which feels a bit odd and not very much like we’re a couple.

Should I just let them do the daddy/daughter thing and chill knowing that things will change when everyone has spent more time together?

Thank you in advance

OP posts:
ConstitutionHill · 29/08/2023 08:46

Yep. I'd just leave them to it. It's still very early days and there's plenty of time.

Mumofteenandtween · 29/08/2023 08:46

I think that it is sensible to keep the birthday and the “kids meeting each other” as completely separate things. Too much chance of upset and hurt otherwise.

LittleBearPad · 29/08/2023 08:49

5 months! That’s short.

It’s her birthday lunch. Let them have it to themselves.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Layinwait · 29/08/2023 08:49

I’m wondering why he hasn’t invited me and my daughter?

because he is a sensible parent

5 months. That is all

smartiesneberhadtheanswer · 29/08/2023 08:50

It's her birthday, she doesn't want to spend it with dad's girlfriend!

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 29/08/2023 08:50

It's her birthday, so that's obviously not the appropriate time to introduce someone she's never met before. The focus should be on her, not your kids. Let her have some time with her dad to celebrate her birthday!

Layinwait · 29/08/2023 08:50

Should I just let them do the daddy/daughter thing and chill knowing that things will change when everyone has spent more time togethe

Very concerning that you ask this op

Original poster
Michiemich · 29/08/2023 08:51

Well the plan was to have the birthday lunch in London together but now it’s changed because they can’t make it to London

OP posts:
TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 29/08/2023 08:53

Should I just let them do the daddy/daughter thing and chill knowing that things will change when everyone has spent more time together?

I've just re-read this. Why do you assume that this will change?

He's her dad, why shouldn't he spend quality time with just her in future? Him being in a relationship should not change how he spends time with his own daughters, particularly when it relates to their birthdays.

Offyoupoplove · 29/08/2023 08:53

It wouldn’t be right for him to invite your daughter (who his daughter has never met) for a birthday meal. Eventually they will meet but it‘s likely and normal that special events like birthdays and graduations won’t ever be blended situations.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 29/08/2023 08:54

My advice is to stop trying to control the relationship he has with his daughter. It's not your place in the slightest, and pretty worrying that you think it is.

Layinwait · 29/08/2023 08:56

smartiesneberhadtheanswer · 29/08/2023 08:50

It's her birthday, she doesn't want to spend it with dad's girlfriend!

This with bells on

Seashellies · 29/08/2023 08:57

Michiemich · 29/08/2023 08:51

Well the plan was to have the birthday lunch in London together but now it’s changed because they can’t make it to London

London would have been a more 'neutral' place than the girls and his families hometown so perhaps didn't feel as big of a deal (even though it is). I think he's being sensible not inviting you and your DD to be honest, 5 months is no time at all really and if its a birthday celebration that should be the focus. I'd just relax, if things continue to go well then there's no rush to introduce children, just enjoy the relationship and when the time is right further down the line think about how to approach it.

Seashellies · 29/08/2023 08:57

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 29/08/2023 08:50

It's her birthday, so that's obviously not the appropriate time to introduce someone she's never met before. The focus should be on her, not your kids. Let her have some time with her dad to celebrate her birthday!

Also agree with this!

Original poster
Michiemich · 29/08/2023 08:58

OMG! Of course he should spend quality daddy/daughter time, and he does, often.. which is how it should be. My question was about why we haven’t been invited now because it’s not happening in London.

so much for helpful advice and the sisterhood. All I see on here is women and tearing strips of other women. Nobody is perfect or gets it right every time, which is why these forums exist. Back the f**k up! I haven’t murdered anyone, I was just hoping for a bit of clarity in uncharted waters!

OP posts:
Layinwait · 29/08/2023 09:00

Oh sod your “sisterhood” nonsense

you were told on the other thread you started about your relationship with this man that you were categorically being unreasonable and your response was the same.

I really hope for these girls sakes that he keeps them well away from you

Original poster
Michiemich · 29/08/2023 09:00

london is my families hometown and they would have been staying with me in my house

OP posts:
TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 29/08/2023 09:01

OP - you said you expected "the daddy/daughter thing" to change. You may not like the replies, but you do need to accept that this expectation is unreasonable. He is her dad, and his relationship with her, and concern for her feelings, should always trump his relationship with you.

Your kids will meet at some point, but it needs to be in a neutral, relaxed way. Not at her birthday!

ElizabethVonArnim · 29/08/2023 09:01

That's too much pressure to put on his daughter's birthday - it's sensible to choose another day.

Temporaryname158 · 29/08/2023 09:01

“I’m being cautious”

no you’re not. 5 months in you claim it’s only due to circumstance everyone hasn’t met. This is an incredibly new relationship that I wouldn’t have even mentioned to my children let alone set up times to meet.

you are then posturing if he’s done something wrong not inviting you to a birthday meal

you need to step back and calm down. You sound a bit jealous to me.

also; have you considered his children might not want to meet you and so working and not wanting to catch the train alone we’re given as reasons. They are well aware of how quick this has all happened and might not have wanted a birthday wekeend with you and your daughter.

back off the meeting children but, give yourselves and everyone else space

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 29/08/2023 09:03

Michiemich · 29/08/2023 09:00

london is my families hometown and they would have been staying with me in my house

And she didn't want to go ahead with that plan, did she? What does that tell you?

I know you've been told she wasn't comfortable travelling by train, but it could easily be the case that she wasn't comfortable combining her birthday with meeting your kids, and celebrating as a larger group with you. And that's fair enough!

Layinwait · 29/08/2023 09:04

On the OP’s other thread

when they’d be going on for just 4 months

the OP asks whether she’s unreasonable to think that he should not go to Australia to visit his family for 3.5 weeks because she is unable to join him

astonishing

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 29/08/2023 09:05

have you considered his children might not want to meet you and so working and not wanting to catch the train alone we’re given as reasons. They are well aware of how quick this has all happened and might not have wanted a birthday wekeend with you and your daughter.

Precisely! Your partners DD's are voting with their feet on this one. They've been very polite about it, but they don't want to have a "blended family" birthday celebration after just 5 mths. Sensible girls.

Layinwait · 29/08/2023 09:06

Michiemich · 29/08/2023 09:00

london is my families hometown and they would have been staying with me in my house

Well that sounds fun for the 14 year old. On her birthday. Staying at her dad’s girlfriends house. The girlfriend she has met a couple of times and with children that she’s never met

Layinwait · 29/08/2023 09:07

I love the fact this dad has listened to his daughter on this one

just wish he’s be honest with the Op and end it