Newish relationship question about blending our families

[Michiemich]

Hi all

Hoping to not to be attacked here, just looking for helpful advice.

My partner of just 5 months (we’ve been friends for 9) is great and everything seems to be going well, we’ve met each others kids/families/friends etc and we are beginning to discuss possible future plans.

Our kids haven’t met yet, they are the sage she’s but because of location summer holiday school etc and me being cautious - we haven’t managed to yet but we’re both keen as are our kids.

they we’re supposed to travel from Yorkshire in a few weeks time, but the older girl can’t get the time off work and the youngest isn’t comfortable travelling alone by train which is fair enough (shes 14). So now they aren’t coming, but my partner has said that instead he’ll go to Yorkshire and take her out for her birthday (which is the weekend after but she’s away) on Saturday and then have lunch again with his girls and his mum on Sunday. But now I’m wondering why he hasn’t invited me and my daughter? Do you think I should bring it up, I don’t want to gatecrash but now that they aren’t coming to London to stay with me, our plan seems to be off which feels a bit odd and not very much like we’re a couple.

Should I just let them do the daddy/daughter thing and chill knowing that things will change when everyone has spent more time together?

Thank you in advance

I can understand why you're asking the question, it would make sense for you to go with him instead to get the same end result. But agree with others 5 months still feels quite early days and it would be better to keep birthday separate for the daughter's sake. Does he live in London? If so he presumably doesn't see them very often, so I'd let them have her birthday, and arrange another time.

With your reaction @Michiemich I would be wanting to keep well away from you if I was in the girls’ position

Newish relationship and blended family don’t belong in the same sentence. You’re still in the early stages of the relationship - I can imagine his daughter didn’t want to spend her birthday staying with dads new girlfriend and her kids. Was it her idea and she’s changed her mind (perfectly ok) or your/her dads idea that she went along with?

I’d be taking a step back from trying to blend anything at this stage - keep your relationships separated from your and his kids until your much more secure in yourself and can see him having time with his daughters alone as a good thing.

Wow, if that’s the case, OP-it’s perhaps you that needs to ‘back the up’!

That's a very short relationship. Don't get involved, let the daughter have her birthday treat with her dad.

Are you not comfortable with the fact that he will always prioritise his daughters over you? Because you don't seem comfortable with that.

No one is tearing strips off you, they're just not falling over themselves to agree with you. And people are right, he's done the right thing in focusing on his child on her birthday. This isn't actually about a "sisterhood", its about parenthood, most people here are parents and that is always going to trump any imaginary sisterhood. As parents they are falling on the side of the parent who appears to be making the better choices for their child.

To answer your question, yes, you should "let" them do the daddy/daughter thing, it would be entirely inappropriate for you to try and prevent them from doing it or to invite yourself and your child/ren to the birthday day out. That's obviously what they want to do, so leave off and rearrange introducing your kids for another time.

Sadly - it is the case

I hope he doesn’t own a pet rabbit.

Should I just let them do the daddy/daughter thing and chill knowing that things will change when everyone has spent more time together?

He’s an adult so you can’t really let him or not let him, he’ll make his choices and you’ll make yours. I’d be focussing more on why you’re so keen to blend families 5 months in. Things may not change, his daughters may not want to be part of a blended family, they may not want you at their birthdays or celebrations and he would be wrong to try and force them.

Your relationship is with him, and while you may hope things will change as they get to know you, that needs to happen at their pace, not yours.

Do you usually throw a little strop like this when things don’t go your way op?

What he’s doing is perfectly fine. Not everything is about you. Quite rightly this weekend is about his dd. Wind your neck in.

I am so happy this girl is getting her birthday celebrating with her friends and family and not staying at the OP’s house with her dad and a kid she’s never met before.

hooray for a parent listening to his teen!

I’m not sure a Birthday meal is the best occasion for everyone to meet, tbh. It should be about what his daughter wants on her Birthday, which is likely not to have to traipse halfway down the country, navigate a potentially awkward meeting, and share the time she’s spending with her Dad, with people she doesn’t know. Like pp, I think the change in plan is a diplomatic way of reining things in a bit.

I personally think it bodes well that your dp is sensitive to the needs of his family, but if you see his responsiveness as a negative thing, then you should have a re-think about whether a partner with a family is right for you. I think he’s trying his best not to hurt you, by not saying bluntly that they don’t want to come down this time.

Maybe further down the line, book a London theatre trip for everyone. Less pressure and something to talk about!

It's entirely possible that his DD wasn't comfortable with the meal in London or having you there, and so he is just being polite to you by not saying so. Why don't you just trust that he knows what is best for his child and back off.

Will you let them?

what a bizzare statement. This man has a relationship with his daughters that is nothing to do with you.

It’s 20 weeks, it’s hardly even a relationship yet.

Continue like this & there won’t be a relationship

Should I just let them do the daddy/daughter thing and chill knowing that things will change when everyone has spent more time together?

’things will change’ -what exactly do you mean here?!

I hope you're prioritising your dc as much as he is his.
This seems too soon

Your judgement is way off, OP. You sound like you have speed-dialled everything up — at five months, he’s just about a ‘boyfriend’, definitely not yet a ‘partner’, and it is waaay too soon to be meeting one another’s children, far less thinking about blending your families. Stop rushing things. Why are you so desperate to dash ahead and ride roughshod over other people’s priorities? Why would your boyfriend’s daughter want to spend her birthday with her father’s newish girlfriend? And the London trip was a very bad idea.

Agree with everyone else. Even if you joined the lunch, you wouldn't have a "blended family". You are in the early stages of a relationship, it's not the time to be playing happy families with this Man's kids. The girl doesn't want you at her birthday, rightly so. I'd give it a year or so and then let the kids meet, casually and not for an occasion.

Five. Months.

Five months!

Come on OP, you’re not being cautious, you’re swept up in the first stages of lust and trying to tie everyone up neatly into one big happy family already.

Slow down.

Everything I have ever read on here has convinced me that blended families are frequently a bad idea.
IMO it is far, far too early to even consider this. Keep the friendship/relationship separate from the children.

You've only been seeing this man for five months. That's far too soon to meet each other's kids, and for the kids to meet. Just slow down!

And meeting your boyfriend's dd ON HER BIRTHDAY is really weird. Too much pressure. Just let her enjoy her day with her dad.