Would you move near your ILs in this situation?

namechanged28aug · 2023-08-28T19:27:26+00:00

Hi all! My husband and I moved to a different part of the UK over 2 years ago after having lived with my in-laws for around 8 months. When I lived there. My In-laws were abusive and generally mean to me. They would even talk behind my back to the wider family. My relationship with them somewhat improved, with a few ups and downs (my husband would talk about me to his parents and siblings, who would in return treat me or talk about me poorly), when we moved away. They also treat me nicely when on holidays at theirs or when they come over to ours. I then became pregnant and they started becoming nicer to me once we had our child. (My husband changed his behaviour towards me during pregnancy, if you wonder why I had a child with him while he was mean to me). My husband's behaviour changed since the baby was born and we are getting along very well. He treats me nicely. Our rent contract ends in January, after which we want to move, as we live in a major city that we can't afford anymore. My husband wants to move back close to his parents. As he has family there and it's more outdoorsy that where we live now. I am really worried about things going back to the way they were. My MIL has shown signs of possessiveness over our child, including saying she wanted to pick their school, wanted to be called mum, wanted to decorate their room, etc... I had a conversation with my in-laws including MIL. She admitted to having been abused and wronging me, but she is assuring me things won't get back to the way they were when I lived with them. They say they love me but I don't believe so. They say their point of view of me changed but I don't want to naively believe it. My brother in law thought I was a gold digger when I asked for fully pulled money while I was a SAHM before our baby could go to nursery as that would have left me vulnerable, and DH and I agreed that nursery wouldn't be the best choice financially for us. (although BIL said he changed his mind). They all, besides my father in law, showed they blatantly disliked me and disrespected me. My DH is asking me to please reconsider, he promises that he wouldn't let anything like that happen again. We wouldn't be moving back with my In-laws, we would have our own place. He's asking me to give him an answer in the next month so that we can prepare our move. So I'm not sure If I would be unreasonable to refuse a move. Maybe they treated me badly because they just didn't like me living with them. I'm worried that perhaps my husband will start treating me poorly again, but maybe I'm just being paranoid. But at the same thing I'm worried about being stuck in the same situation again. I don't want to make my husband resent me. I also don't want to be selfish and make it all about me. What would you do? Thank you

Mama2six · 28/08/2023 20:36

hell would freeze over before I’d move closer to them with your mil wanting to be called mum and choosing their school etc

Womblegreen · 28/08/2023 20:37

Where do you come from? Can you relocate to your home area?

No way would I move near to your In-laws again. They have given you no reason to show they have changed.

Original poster

namechanged28aug · 28/08/2023 20:37

Mama2six · 28/08/2023 20:36

hell would freeze over before I’d move closer to them with your mil wanting to be called mum and choosing their school etc

That's what worries me. Her taking over.

TBF though my husband asked her to apologise and she hasn't brought it up again

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Rudolphthefrog · 28/08/2023 20:37

What would I do? Emigrate or move even further away from them if I could. Probably reconsider my marriage. Under no circumstances whatsoever would I move closer to anyone batshit enough to say they want my child to call them Mummy.

whirlyhead · 28/08/2023 20:39

If I were you I’d move to another country rather than moving closer to them. They’re just lulling you into a false sense of security.

Original poster

namechanged28aug · 28/08/2023 20:41

Womblegreen · 28/08/2023 20:37

Where do you come from? Can you relocate to your home area?

No way would I move near to your In-laws again. They have given you no reason to show they have changed.

Unfortunately not, I'm British but I was born abroad, so that's where all my family and support network is.

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Original poster

namechanged28aug · 28/08/2023 20:41

whirlyhead · 28/08/2023 20:39

If I were you I’d move to another country rather than moving closer to them. They’re just lulling you into a false sense of security.

That's what I'm fearing.

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Mama2six · 28/08/2023 20:43

So she had be asked by your husband to apologise rather than do it off her own back? That’s a hard no from me. You will are being trapped as I’m guessing you have no one to support you from your side once you’re there and surrounded by all of them. I think if you’re happy for them to take over your child and a miserable life then make the move otherwise stay away. And if your husband doesn’t support you either send him back to his mama

GrumpyPanda · 28/08/2023 20:43

That would be a hard no from me.

And just imagine if you moved back there and then were to break up. She'd be fully in charge, and you couldn't up and leave again.

SequinsandStiIettos · 28/08/2023 20:45

I assume he's still the "breadwinner" and you're not back at work yet? (apologies for that phrase) so if you cannot afford the city, moving is the answer.
What does he do? What do you do?
How far from his family are you currently? How near to yours are you?
I'd get the map book out and be looking at a town you both like/could grow to like, that is 40 minutes away rather than on the doorstep.

SequinsandStiIettos · 28/08/2023 20:48

Ah, then you have no attachments family-wise? Friends in another county? Career opportunities in the future? Town you both have fond memories of?
Where does he hail from roughly? (this might influence my answer ).

Original poster

namechanged28aug · 28/08/2023 20:49

SequinsandStiIettos · 28/08/2023 20:45

I assume he's still the "breadwinner" and you're not back at work yet? (apologies for that phrase) so if you cannot afford the city, moving is the answer.
What does he do? What do you do?
How far from his family are you currently? How near to yours are you?
I'd get the map book out and be looking at a town you both like/could grow to like, that is 40 minutes away rather than on the doorstep.

Correct, I will be getting back to work once the baby is in nursery but he still isn't eligible for the 15 hours.
He is an architect. I will be working as a software developer.

We are around 5 hours away on the train.
We don't know where exactly we will be, he is hoping something very close, but if it's too pricey then in the nearest big city which is about a 40 min drive.

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Original poster

namechanged28aug · 28/08/2023 20:50

SequinsandStiIettos · 28/08/2023 20:48

Ah, then you have no attachments family-wise? Friends in another county? Career opportunities in the future? Town you both have fond memories of?
Where does he hail from roughly? (this might influence my answer ).

my friends are around where we live now, no friends where in-laws are.

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GrumpyPanda · 28/08/2023 20:52

namechanged28aug · 28/08/2023 20:50

my friends are around where we live now, no friends where in-laws are.

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Then for heavens sake, stay where you have friends and hence, a support network. You'll be up all alone against your partner's ghastly family.

Original poster

namechanged28aug · 28/08/2023 20:53

GrumpyPanda · 28/08/2023 20:43

That would be a hard no from me.

And just imagine if you moved back there and then were to break up. She'd be fully in charge, and you couldn't up and leave again.

Sorry if it's a stupid question. But if I move to another part of the country, say from England to Wales. Would I be able to move back with my child if things didn't go well or would I need permission from my husband as if I was moving abroad?

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Original poster

namechanged28aug · 28/08/2023 20:55

GrumpyPanda · 28/08/2023 20:52

Then for heavens sake, stay where you have friends and hence, a support network. You'll be up all alone against your partner's ghastly family.

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Thank you for your reply. We do have to move somewhere cheaper, even when I get back to work. So I won't have my friends around either way.
But me being there alone against all of them scares me.
There was a similarish instance when I was pregnant, and I was alone against all of them, and it wasn't pleasant.

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SequinsandStiIettos · 28/08/2023 20:59

The nearest big city which is about a 40 min drive.
I'd compromise on that option tbf.
You're much closer but not so close she can pop in.
Close enough that if she gets better in her interactions, you could have a date night and you both win; but not so close she's doing wrap around care.

You don't need permission wrt countries but it's the distance.
You couldn't just take off and move child back to London from Edinburgh for example. That could be fought in court. If you split up, you'd compromise on where you both were so an hour away max.
Unless the non resident parent just buggers off the other side of the country and expects his child to take a train. Thanks Dad

talkitup · 28/08/2023 21:00

Ask your DH if he's prepared to move abroad to be closer to your family. If it's a flat no, then perhaps it will give him food for thought about why you aren't interested in even risking v2 with his family. Nooo way would I; it'll be the same again, just a tad less blatant, is my guess.

SequinsandStiIettos · 28/08/2023 21:02

So they're all tight-knit in a village. I'd avoid that.
Unless they're a Scottish clan. I love Scotland.
You have to think of different exam systems/accents/being accepted wherever you end up. Are there any cultural issues/clashes?
Take your example - say North Wales. In your boots, I'd compromise on Chester.

Original poster

namechanged28aug · 28/08/2023 21:06

SequinsandStiIettos · 28/08/2023 20:59

The nearest big city which is about a 40 min drive.
I'd compromise on that option tbf.
You're much closer but not so close she can pop in.
Close enough that if she gets better in her interactions, you could have a date night and you both win; but not so close she's doing wrap around care.

You don't need permission wrt countries but it's the distance.
You couldn't just take off and move child back to London from Edinburgh for example. That could be fought in court. If you split up, you'd compromise on where you both were so an hour away max.
Unless the non resident parent just buggers off the other side of the country and expects his child to take a train. Thanks Dad

That'd be a good compromise, issue is his office is in the city his family lives in, so it will most likely be there.
He could tell me yes, notify his job of where he is relocating, and then say that commute is too much and that he has to find somewhere near his parents now. And it'd be too late.

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Original poster

namechanged28aug · 28/08/2023 21:07

talkitup · 28/08/2023 21:00

Ask your DH if he's prepared to move abroad to be closer to your family. If it's a flat no, then perhaps it will give him food for thought about why you aren't interested in even risking v2 with his family. Nooo way would I; it'll be the same again, just a tad less blatant, is my guess.

Thank you for your reply

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Bubop · 28/08/2023 21:08

Hell would freeze over before I’d even consider moving anywhere near them.

SequinsandStiIettos · 28/08/2023 21:18

We don't know where exactly we will be, he is hoping something very close, but if it's too pricey then in the nearest big city which is about a 40 min drive
Aaarggh. So they live in Manchester/he'll be working in Manchester but you'll live in Liverpool. That kind of thing.
Or they're in Edinburgh - kerching - you'd live around Glasgow.
Got to be honest, I wouldn't be keen on more than a 40 minute commute myself.
It's tricky. Are you currently on maternity leave or would you be looking anew? Can you develop software from home?
Is his hometown the only option for a move? Does his company have an office somewhere else, less expensive but on neutral ground?
Has he already raised hopes and discussed this with his family?
I'd maybe look at where all the offices are and pick the least worst option?
Fresh start for you both?

Original poster

namechanged28aug · 28/08/2023 21:19

SequinsandStiIettos · 28/08/2023 21:18

We don't know where exactly we will be, he is hoping something very close, but if it's too pricey then in the nearest big city which is about a 40 min drive
Aaarggh. So they live in Manchester/he'll be working in Manchester but you'll live in Liverpool. That kind of thing.
Or they're in Edinburgh - kerching - you'd live around Glasgow.
Got to be honest, I wouldn't be keen on more than a 40 minute commute myself.
It's tricky. Are you currently on maternity leave or would you be looking anew? Can you develop software from home?
Is his hometown the only option for a move? Does his company have an office somewhere else, less expensive but on neutral ground?
Has he already raised hopes and discussed this with his family?
I'd maybe look at where all the offices are and pick the least worst option?
Fresh start for you both?

They have an office in the city in the middle, but he doesn't want to work there

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Original poster

namechanged28aug · 28/08/2023 21:20

SequinsandStiIettos · 28/08/2023 21:18

We don't know where exactly we will be, he is hoping something very close, but if it's too pricey then in the nearest big city which is about a 40 min drive
Aaarggh. So they live in Manchester/he'll be working in Manchester but you'll live in Liverpool. That kind of thing.
Or they're in Edinburgh - kerching - you'd live around Glasgow.
Got to be honest, I wouldn't be keen on more than a 40 minute commute myself.
It's tricky. Are you currently on maternity leave or would you be looking anew? Can you develop software from home?
Is his hometown the only option for a move? Does his company have an office somewhere else, less expensive but on neutral ground?
Has he already raised hopes and discussed this with his family?
I'd maybe look at where all the offices are and pick the least worst option?
Fresh start for you both?

And I will be WFH so I can live anywhere

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