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Original poster

Would you move near your ILs in this situation?

42 replies

namechanged28aug · 28/08/2023 20:27

Hi all!

My husband and I moved to a different part of the UK over 2 years ago after having lived with my in-laws for around 8 months.

When I lived there. My In-laws were abusive and generally mean to me. They would even talk behind my back to the wider family.

My relationship with them somewhat improved, with a few ups and downs (my husband would talk about me to his parents and siblings, who would in return treat me or talk about me poorly), when we moved away. They also treat me nicely when on holidays at theirs or when they come over to ours.

I then became pregnant and they started becoming nicer to me once we had our child. (My husband changed his behaviour towards me during pregnancy, if you wonder why I had a child with him while he was mean to me).

My husband's behaviour changed since the baby was born and we are getting along very well. He treats me nicely.

Our rent contract ends in January, after which we want to move, as we live in a major city that we can't afford anymore. My husband wants to move back close to his parents. As he has family there and it's more outdoorsy that where we live now.

I am really worried about things going back to the way they were.
My MIL has shown signs of possessiveness over our child, including saying she wanted to pick their school, wanted to be called mum, wanted to decorate their room, etc...

I had a conversation with my in-laws including MIL. She admitted to having been abused and wronging me, but she is assuring me things won't get back to the way they were when I lived with them.

They say they love me but I don't believe so. They say their point of view of me changed but I don't want to naively believe it. My brother in law thought I was a gold digger when I asked for fully pulled money while I was a SAHM before our baby could go to nursery as that would have left me vulnerable, and DH and I agreed that nursery wouldn't be the best choice financially for us. (although BIL said he changed his mind).
They all, besides my father in law, showed they blatantly disliked me and disrespected me.

My DH is asking me to please reconsider, he promises that he wouldn't let anything like that happen again. We wouldn't be moving back with my In-laws, we would have our own place.

He's asking me to give him an answer in the next month so that we can prepare our move. So I'm not sure If I would be unreasonable to refuse a move. Maybe they treated me badly because they just didn't like me living with them.
I'm worried that perhaps my husband will start treating me poorly again, but maybe I'm just being paranoid.

But at the same thing I'm worried about being stuck in the same situation again.

I don't want to make my husband resent me. I also don't want to be selfish and make it all about me.

What would you do?

Thank you

OP posts:
OhDoh · 28/08/2023 21:22

Absolutely wouldn't live close where they can just pop in. About 40-50 min drive away. Also I would have the rule that no one is to come round without informing you before hand.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 28/08/2023 22:16

I definitely wouldn't move to their city.
I think you'd end up feeling trapped, especially as WFH you'd be waiting for their knock on the door
Have a look at towns along his commute and see if there's literally a middle ground

Original poster
namechanged28aug · 28/08/2023 22:26

Thank you for your replies.
So I think I will offer a middle ground and say I'm fine with it as long as we are in a different city, the big city nearby or another one, as a middle ground.

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 28/08/2023 22:45

I definitely wouldn't move closer, not even to the nearby big city. In fact I'd be trying to move even further in the opposite direction to them.

Cyclingmug · 28/08/2023 22:49

Are you from a different culture OP? Just worried about you mentioning 'permission'

Original poster
namechanged28aug · 28/08/2023 22:52

Cyclingmug · 28/08/2023 22:49

Are you from a different culture OP? Just worried about you mentioning 'permission'

Sorry for the confusion, I meant permission as in legally if we were to divorce.

OP posts:
Thelonelygiraffe · 28/08/2023 22:53

He could tell me yes, notify his job of where he is relocating, and then say that commute is too much and that he has to find somewhere near his parents now. And it'd be too late

So don't trust your h at all? He's not on your side?

Why are you still with him?

Original poster
namechanged28aug · 28/08/2023 23:01

Thelonelygiraffe · 28/08/2023 22:53

He could tell me yes, notify his job of where he is relocating, and then say that commute is too much and that he has to find somewhere near his parents now. And it'd be too late

So don't trust your h at all? He's not on your side?

Why are you still with him?

Thank you for your reply.
I'm not saying he will 100% do that.
I'm just thinking it might happen, especially if the cost of commute + rent ends up being equal or higher than the cost of rent in his hometown.

He says he prefers the office in his hometown because the commute would be roughly the same if he takes into account traffic as the nearby city is quite busy.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechanged28aug · 28/08/2023 23:09

HundredMilesAnHour · 28/08/2023 22:45

I definitely wouldn't move closer, not even to the nearby big city. In fact I'd be trying to move even further in the opposite direction to them.

Do you think they'd still be able to mistreat me or have power over my son if I were to live say 40 mins away?

OP posts:
SequinsandStiIettos · 28/08/2023 23:10

Well, he's not asking then is he, he's telling. It's a fait accompli if he isn't even prepared to consider the third office. If you have a choice of three and 1. current one too expensive 2. second one is too close to comfort for toxic in-laws then you'd have thought the third option was a slam-dunk.
In-laws aside, do you like his home town? Is it a nice city? Is there much to do?

HundredMilesAnHour · 28/08/2023 23:11

namechanged28aug · 28/08/2023 23:09

Do you think they'd still be able to mistreat me or have power over my son if I were to live say 40 mins away?

Show quote history

Yes. 40 mins away is far too close.

SequinsandStiIettos · 28/08/2023 23:17

As I said upthread, 40 minutes would be reasonable for me personally but I don't know how keen they are to impose. It could work with strong boundaries in place and a DH who backs you.
I'd be looking at potential rentals now and do the price comparison now.
If you change user name, start a new thread this week and ask MNetters for recommendations around [cities] and that you're looking to rent and at what price, loads on here are fab at finding places on Right Move and having insider info.

Original poster
namechanged28aug · 29/08/2023 00:12

Thank you all for your replies!

OP posts:
Redburnett · 29/08/2023 00:23

Your DH's priorities should be you and your DC. He should not even be considering moving back near his parents given the history you have outlined.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 29/08/2023 03:16

Read your opening post back - you said your relationship had "somewhat improved". There are still ups and downs.

Just in that alone, it would be a no. The fact that he is trying to strong arm you into only accepting that he works in the office in his old hometown pretty much says it all. He's trying to force your hand in a subtle way.

Tell him it's a big no.

"I'm not ready to put myself into such a vulnerable position again."

SunRainStorm · 29/08/2023 04:26

Absolutely do not move near them.

They sound like my in laws.

I'd shoot them into the sun if I could.

LizHoney · 29/08/2023 04:50

You can move a child between England and Wales freely, but not between England or Wales and Scotland.

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