Starting school without being fully toilet-trained

[Kirova]

My younger daughter will be starting Reception in just over a week and still isn't very reliable in the toileting department, despite efforts put in over the summer. Older daughter is going into Y1 and she was in a very different place with it when she started last year.

Is it unusual for a child of her age? I'm worried that other kids may tease her, or that the school will be unhappy about it.

Would I be unreasonable to hope for the best and not make a massive deal out of it? I don't feel that stressing her about it is going to help in any way!

It's not unusual for new starts to have the odd toileting accident. Make sure you put plenty of changes of clothes in her bag so you're not relying on school having spares.

Did you mention it to your daughter’s Reception teacher? They would be best placed to advise you on this.. My DC is going into Y1 and I don’t think there were any children in nappies last year.

Oh sorry, I assumed she was in nappies still! I’m sure the odd accident is absolutely fine!

Mine started school-attached nursery at 3yrs and they expected children to be toilet trained, unless disability. There was a parent who had to go in and change a nappy at lunchtime, and called in if the child soiled. It really depends on your school.

It's not uncommon for them to have accidents, particularly if they don't like the school toilets; get very engrossed in playing; are tired. However, I would mention it to the teacher so they can build up DC's confidence in this. And make sure you send in labelled clothes for changing and a plastic bag for the wet stuff.

Im a reception teacher and most children come fully toilet trained with the expectation of an accident now and again. The best thing you can do is be honest with the school that she needs a lot of reminding, still not fully toilet trained and let them know what you’re doing at home to help her. Also make sure she has lots of spare clothes. Can she get herself undressed or attempt it? With reception children although we will help, we expect them to start undoing shoes, start taking rousers off, taking underwear off etc to help them become more independent. This would be good to replicate at home. I find that once children realise how inconvenient it is they start becoming more determined to learn to use the toilet (unless the child has other needs).

Also just realised she is toilet trained but has accidents. In that case, it's very common. Maybe speak with the staff to remind her to go at break times, and send spare clothes. I'm sure she'll mature and have fewer problems in time.

My ds had loads of accidents, and isn't yet fully continent now age nearly 8. He clear has a disability we know now, but no one even commented on it until y2. Yr and y1 it was just par for the course. He has learnt over time to be more independent and can now do the whole change himself unless it is really bad, but school helped him all along before that.

My dd was just 4 when she started reception (late Aug baby) and used to wee herself a bit and not notice, but she grew out of that when we told her to pay attention 😁😁

Sorry, I wasn't very clear - she isn't in nappies, so it's not that extreme! It's more that she's not very good at realising she needs to wee, either that or she just can't be bothered to say anything till the last minute. I definitely think there's an element of can't be bothered stopping whatever she's doing. She's also an August birthday, so she's only just 4.

A possibly separate, possibly related issue is that she's had an upset stomach for weeks (sorry, about to be a bit graphic) and very loose stools/sometimes diarrhoea. She seems otherwise okay but has complained of tummy aches. I've actually got a doctor's appointment for Tuesday since I'm starting to wonder if it's a good intolerance or similar, but it may just be a lingering bug. But it's meant she's been soiling herself a bit, but not proper "accidents" if that makes any sense.

She's okay dressing and undressing herself, so I'm confident she'd be fine in that regard.

Sorry - food intolerance, not good intolerance!

How unreliable are we talking? And with just the odd wee accident, or poo accidents too?

If it's just some wee accidents, I have looked into this lately as freaking out about my own son, and everyone says it's normal. I think my son is in the less typical camp, as he does have regular wee accidents (wees himself at nursery maybe every two or three days at the moment?) but he is SEN and lots going on there. I doubt your daughter will be the only one to have accidents.

Sorry, just read your update. Oh bless her. The upset stomach does sound like it's playing a part- good to get that checked. Maybe mention that to the teacher.

As for the weeing, sounds just like my son - too busy enjoying whatever he's playing with, and will try to hold it for too long! They'll get there.

Could she be constipated? You
mentioned the soiling since a bug, that can often mess with their signal they need to wee also.
My ds has chronic constipation and now we finally have his medication dose age right, he no longer has wee or poop accidents as he can feel the sensation that he needs to wee and go. Definitely talk to the dr. Soiling and loose stools are so often constipation.

oh and he started school last week and needed pull ups until just a week before that!

Thanks for the reassurance! I hope it all goes okay with your son too.

Diarrhoea for more than a week needs to be checked out, even in an adult.

Occasional accidents are normal, if it’s more than that I’d warn the school so they can remind her to go to the loo regularly so she is less likely to be caught short, and I’d do the same with her at home.

Not sure about the constipation, but I'll ask when I take her to the doctor's appointment on Tuesday. I wouldn't have thought she was, but she does seem to be quite bloated and a bit off her food sporadically, so I suppose that could be constipation-related.

Sounds very much like constipation to me. Honestly loose stools often makes you think it isn’t but my ds dr is a former bowel surgeon and he said often it’s the key indicator of constipation. The cause could still be a good intolerance though.

I'm an MDS. I'd certainly have a chat with her new teacher - he/she will have heard it before I'm sure - just ask that they encourage her to go to toilet at beginning of break times and certainly send spare clothes in, particularly extra pairs of pants.

We gently try to encourage child to wipe themselves dry if they've wet themselves. Personally if a child has soiled I'll use wipes to clean, but I always tell my colleague I'm not cleaning too deep as I don't want any misunderstandings/comeback that I've done something too personal. Other staff may be different, but from that point of view if you know she's wet/soiled herself during the day, might be worth a clean yourself on return or early bath when she gets home to avoid soreness.

Sounds like she could be constipated and even impacted.

When a child is severely constipated, liquid poo can seep around a hard blockage and cause soiling - this is called encopresis, Google it. The blockage can stretch the bowel so it presses against the bladder causing wee accidents.

I'd get to the pharmacy and start her on some Lactulose while you wait to see the GP. Waiting can cause further stretching of the bowel and the issue becomes long term.

Have a look at the ERIC website, lots of resources there including how impacted constipation can cause overflow diarrhoea and wee accidents. Starting school can be a tricky time as they can stop drinking in an attempt not to have accidents which makes constipation much worse so do keep an eye on that.

Definitely get onto the ERIC website, useful for both prcticl tips md making sure the school is actively supporting your child with their continence needs.

I recall a girl starting in pull ups. I don't think it's that unusual.

My girl was the same starting in reception, for the same reasons as yours, didnt want to stop playing, didn't notice etc. Poos were mostly ok though. It wasnt a problem in school and she wasnt reliably dry until near the end of year 1. Because she didnt tell the teacher she wasnt changed so was often coming out wet which wasn't ideal. I spoke to the teacher at parents evening and things improved, she was reminded more often to go.

I think it depends on the school but my sons’ school don’t take non toilet trained children one poor girl in my eldest sons class used to wee herself and when mum picked her up would be cold and wet, the school said they gave her a change of clothes but she refused to change herself.

Mine had been fine for ages before school, never had accidents. When they started reception that all changed. I think there was an anxiety response mixed with not wanting to ask to go. I always sent them in with spare clothing and they grew out of it.