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Original poster

DD's friend is mean to her

35 replies

Clibble · 25/08/2023 13:39

DD (7) has a friend whom she adores and wants to frequently see for playdates but who IMO is often really quite horrible to her. The friend (will call her A) is more outgoing than DD and consequently has more friends than DD who is quite introverted and can be a bit of a pushover. Over the summer holidays we've either been round to A's house or had her round ours three times, and all three times I've witnessed her being mean to my DD, telling her she doesn't want to sit next to her at lunchtime, she wants her to go away, she doesn't want to talk to her. The last two times this has been witnessed by A's mum, and if it were DD speaking that way to her friend, I would have told her off for being rude and hurtful, but A's mum doesn't do that, just says to me that A is learning to assert her boundaries and they want to support her to be able to do that and not be a people pleaser.

Any advice? DD really wants to play with A but it's getting to the point I don't really want to say yes to playdates as she just seems to spend the whole time being told to go away!

OP posts:
Daisy523 · 25/08/2023 13:41

Cut her off. It’s not the child by the sounds of things but the mother, who is not instilling manners in her child. Your child is being hurt by this.

Original poster
Clibble · 25/08/2023 13:42

Sometimes her mum will very gently chastise her, as in saying things like "A, sometimes people's feelings can be hurt when you do that", but there are no consequences and A usually just ignores her.

OP posts:
tuvamoodyson · 25/08/2023 13:44

I wouldn’t have been able to hold my tongue! ‘That’s rather unkind Alison’ ‘We don’t be unkind to our friends in this house Alison’ or my preferred ‘just gather your things together please Alison before I stick my toe of boot up your arse and kick you out the door…there’s a good girl’

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Andanotherone01 · 25/08/2023 13:44

Bin her and her nasty mother. You need to protect your DD. Are there other friends you could invite over?

ifonly4 · 25/08/2023 13:45

Don't let your DD mix with her out of school. When DD is back at school in September, invite other children she plays with to do things with her outside school.

Daisy523 · 25/08/2023 13:47

Oh, I understand your frustration! That’s clearly not effective. She’s not instilling boundaries or supporting her child’s ability to not be a people pleaser - she’s supporting her child’s ability to insult people. There’s many ways of asking someone for space without resulting to hurting feelings.

I would gently suggest to your DD to sit with someone else, or play with someone else. The other child might come round with time, especially if she realizes that telling people she doesn’t want to spend time with them will result in exactly that - people not spending time with her. Unfortunately that’s what life will teach that child. If you’re rude, people won’t want to be with you.

I think for now, your focus should be setting your DD up with other children for play dates. Explain to her gently that at the moment, her friend’s approach is not very polite and while that’s not her fault, it might be better to find someone else to play with for now.

Daisy523 · 25/08/2023 13:49

tuvamoodyson · 25/08/2023 13:44

I wouldn’t have been able to hold my tongue! ‘That’s rather unkind Alison’ ‘We don’t be unkind to our friends in this house Alison’ or my preferred ‘just gather your things together please Alison before I stick my toe of boot up your arse and kick you out the door…there’s a good girl’

Haha I love this approach!
A friend of mine’s DD had a phase of telling everyone they weren’t her friend anymore when she didn’t get her way. Another little girl shouted back “I’m not your friend either!” and the taste of her own medicine resulted in a full meltdown.

My friend looked at her DD and said “not nice, is it? Cop on, apologize and go play.”

RandomMess · 25/08/2023 13:50

Sounds like the other child doesn't actually want to do these play dates so don't have them anymore 🤷🏽‍♀️

Invite other DC around and encourage a wider friendship group for your DD.

Original poster
Clibble · 25/08/2023 13:53

RandomMess · 25/08/2023 13:50

Sounds like the other child doesn't actually want to do these play dates so don't have them anymore 🤷🏽‍♀️

Invite other DC around and encourage a wider friendship group for your DD.

This is what I think but half the time A is the one asking them, and they always seem really excited for the first 5 minutes, and then this always happens.

If they have a group playdate, and A does this, she will sometimes say to the other children that they can sit next to her (or walk with her) but my DD can't. DD is definitely one of the quietest girls in her class and doesn't stand up for herself, so I think this is why A does it to her and not some of the others, who are more feisty and would dish it back.

OP posts:
Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 25/08/2023 13:54

Encourage dd to make other friends. Be less available.. Encourage your dd to have boundaries and manners! Both essential!

RandomMess · 25/08/2023 13:55

At the start of the play date set out the rules. No being unkind, no leaving people out and if you don't want to play together A will be going home early.

FinallyHere · 25/08/2023 15:07

In my sixties, I wish I had understood much, much earlier when my mother told me not to play with people like this.

Sadly, at the time, her efforts to forbid the friendship just made the friend seem all the more dangerous and exciting.

I hope you find the words and moments to have your lovely DD reflect on what she is getting out of this friendship. Especially if you can arrange for he to spend more time with children who are kinder.

Are there any groups that might welcome new members and build her confidence? Brownies, dance, theatre, the experience of having lovely friends would go a long way to putting her off this child without needing to ban the friendship.

ClaraBourne · 26/08/2023 14:31

Have them round again and set your boundary, when she tells your daughter to go away or anything else rude tell her she's being unkind / rude and unless she's nice she'll have to leave.

Then if she unkind, again tell her snd her mother to leave,

She's just getting away with sharpening her mean girl claws.

thecatinthetwat · 26/08/2023 14:37

You need to find a way to support dd into changing this dynamic. If you say she can’t play with X then nothing will change for your dd. Why do you think she idolises this child who is unkind to her? Have you spoken about it? How can she be more assertive? New clubs? It’s not a quick fix, but there will be plenty more children like this, cancelling this one won’t help.

Queenofheart · 29/08/2023 06:38

tuvamoodyson · 25/08/2023 13:44

I wouldn’t have been able to hold my tongue! ‘That’s rather unkind Alison’ ‘We don’t be unkind to our friends in this house Alison’ or my preferred ‘just gather your things together please Alison before I stick my toe of boot up your arse and kick you out the door…there’s a good girl’

This!

Little madam needs to be taught some manners, teaching her to assert her boundaries?, Really … Just rude and I’d keep my daughter away!

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 29/08/2023 06:58

I would focus on other friends. You aren’t going to stop this child acting like that with rules. If As mum says anything tell her you are teaching your daughter to set boundaries and not play with kids that are mean to her. Hopefully the play dates with other kids will result in good friendships.

1AngelicFruitCake · 29/08/2023 07:34

By letting these play dates continue you’re allowing your child to continue to be treated this way. You need to talk to her about real friends being kind. When the child was mean you could have said ‘Ok shall we finish playing then?’ Or ‘that’s not very kind’
When the mum said about her daughter having boundaries you could say ‘Yes same for my daughter shall we leave it for today? I don’t want my daughter being a pushover either’

Positive41 · 29/08/2023 07:39

I have had the same experience with my DC friend this summer.

On every occasion the child has 'broken friends' with my child, for no reason other than she didn't get what she wanted. It is tiresome and my DC gets upset. I do not like what I am seeing so I have decided to distance ourselves.

Would Jenny like to play with Jilly? NO. NO WE ARE BUSY. BUSY FOR THE FORSEABLE FUTURE!!!

Rufusroo · 29/08/2023 08:31

When my DD was in Primary there were only five girls in her class (very small village) and the popular girl was mean to my daughter and would encourage the other three to be mean too. My poor girl would try desperately to ingratiate herself with her but it culminated with her not being invited to mean girl’s birthday party. This despite mean girl being invited to DD’s party and having loads of play dates at her house and ours! It broke DD’s heart and mine too for her. I could not understand how her mum could have allowed this to happen given that there were only the five girls in the class!
This is a really difficult situation - it is not easy to just avoid a particular child especially if they are in a class together. But I would stop inviting her over and encourage her to invite others over instead. My daughter blossomed at Secondary School where she could get away from mean girl and it doesn’t seem to have left any scars (except for me of course😂).

PurpleChrayne · 29/08/2023 08:33

Why would you facilitate this "friendship"?

Libra24 · 29/08/2023 08:43

One of the big things in friendships for me and my kids isn't so much the kids behaviour but how the parents deal with it.
It's so important to me that we are on the same page on what is acceptable and what isn't. Kids are going to get it wrong and going to be mean, yes even our own little angels, but it's much safer if I know the other adult is going react appropriately in line with my values.

It sounds a bit like this child's parent is fully happy for her daughter to learn how to be assertive at the cost of your daughters confidence. Sorry but no. That's harmful and wouldn't be allowed, especially not in my own house. It sounds like mum has issues with people pleasing herself and is going too far the other way.

My daughter is good friends with a girl 2 years older and there was initially a lot of this. Can't sit by me. Don't want to hold your hand. And some days there still is. But her mother is the one who stepped in and said to my DD, I'll hold your hand. Sit on my knee. This immediately reduces the value of being mean by removing the exclusion. If they are genuinely overhwlemed of course there is a different response but we all know our kids well enough. We know when they are just being peevish.

My approach here would be to turn down a few play dates. If they are persistent, then when they arrive I'd establish some rules for the play date including what is and isn't ok to say.
Boundaries are for yourself not others.
So you don't get to say you can't sit by me. But you can move.
You don't get to tell someone else they can't do something but you don't have to do it yourself.
Ultimately I'd be making it clear that you are watching and listening and unkindness won't be tolerated. And I would also say to mum, I'm also supporting DD to have boundaries and if theres a clash today I'm going to call time on the play date so please don't be surprised if I say its time to go.

The whole thing makes my teeth itch. Cheeky cow.

QuillBill · 29/08/2023 08:50

Who cares if A wants these play dates? They are doing your child no good at all. You are showing your dd that it's normal to be treated like this.

Start her in some after school activities where there are no children she already knows so she can make friends out of school so her whole world doesn't implode if A takes against her.

Stop facilitating this friendship and start helping get new friends.

Lastchancechica · 29/08/2023 08:53

Nope, fade out the friendship and be very clear with your child why. It’s not friendship - this is not what real friendship feels like. Expand her circle asap and encourage her to make good friends with other children.

A would not be welcome back, and we would decline all future invites. Her mother is too weak in my view, although I would hope she would take this up with her child in private.

Goldbar · 29/08/2023 09:54

if it were DD speaking that way to her friend, I would have told her off for being rude and hurtful, but A's mum doesn't do that, just says to me that A is learning to assert her boundaries and they want to support her to be able to do that and not be a people pleaser.

I would tell the mum next time she asks for a playdate that you are also trying to encourage your DD to assert her boundaries and not be a people-pleaser, hence no playdate with A.

Some unpleasantness is to be expected on playdates - our last one ended badly with both children refusing to share and baiting each other 😬! - but when it is one-sided and part of a pattern, it's time to question whether the friendship dynamic is working for either child.

Disturbia81 · 29/08/2023 09:57

No way would I put up with that, get rid. You're teaching your daughter that is okay to have people who treat her like shit in her life.