DD's friend is mean to her

[Clibble]

DD (7) has a friend whom she adores and wants to frequently see for playdates but who IMO is often really quite horrible to her. The friend (will call her A) is more outgoing than DD and consequently has more friends than DD who is quite introverted and can be a bit of a pushover. Over the summer holidays we've either been round to A's house or had her round ours three times, and all three times I've witnessed her being mean to my DD, telling her she doesn't want to sit next to her at lunchtime, she wants her to go away, she doesn't want to talk to her. The last two times this has been witnessed by A's mum, and if it were DD speaking that way to her friend, I would have told her off for being rude and hurtful, but A's mum doesn't do that, just says to me that A is learning to assert her boundaries and they want to support her to be able to do that and not be a people pleaser.

Any advice? DD really wants to play with A but it's getting to the point I don't really want to say yes to playdates as she just seems to spend the whole time being told to go away!

They can teach their daughter to assert her mean boundaries. I suspect she won't be particularly liked in the long run. You can teach your daughter that she doesn't have to play with kids who treat her like this and make her feel like that. Your daughter does not need to be a people pleaser, either.

I wish someone had taught me that too, I still struggle at 45.

Absolutely not!! She is going to harm your daughters confidence and make her feel like c@@p! Imagine them in teen tears- she will make your daughter feel she’s fat/ugly/unlovable etc. do your child a favour and distance her, organise play dates with other friends. You can’t stop them being “friends” at school but you can certainly stop encouraging it outside of there. I have a ssituation with a friend who’s child is badly behaved, he and mine get on very well and he’s not nasty/mean towards him l, they get along very well mostly but his parents don’t chastise bad behaviour, want to allow him to grow up gently etc yet dad feels it’s ok to tell mine off whilst being oblivious to his child’s behaviour.

I stopped my DD having contact with a girl like this. I didn't want my DD asking me in later life why I put her on a plate to be bullied.

Her “friend” enjoy bullying A. She wants the playdate to be able to have her bullying behaviour and tell her how much she does not like her. This is the topical behaviour of a bully. It might be hard to hear but a bully needs a victim and your DD plays the victim. You need to teach her to stand up for herself, shut A down and avoid her. It is not easy but it’s a great life lesson and if she manages that she will be able to confront bullies she will encounter in life. You need to monitor that and make sure she does not get bullied at school. For example by shutting her down, the bully could outcast her with other “friends” and isolate her. Speak with the teachers and if they are good they should monitor and intervene. I know of girls who had to change schools as teachers were useless in dealing with bullies, I would suggest you talk to her teachers and have a feeling if thru might be helpful. Good luck!

To child - "I don't want to hear that again. It's rude and unkind".

To mum - "sorry, we're just teaching DD to maintain her boudaries and not accept being spoken to poorly. I hope you understand."

And really, I'd just stop the playdates. She sounds like a typical bully and her mum sounds absolutely useless.

Stop the playdates and encourage her to play with others..

Sometimes her mum will very gently chastise her, as in saying things like "A, sometimes people's feelings can be hurt when you do that", but there are no consequences and A usually just ignores her.

The thing that I think a lot of people who subscribe to this gentle/ineffectual/no consequences style miss is that there are often consequences of your child’s actions - just not ones that you control or that you and your child necessarily see. And you can make those consequences - do not have A round to play again. And if the other mother asks why, tell her in her own language (“doesn’t seem to be a very positive environment” or whatever). In a group situation, I would step in and take my child away; if it’s a question of the other kids being a bit cowed by A, that adult intervention may well give them the confidence to challenge her behaviour. You are letting A call all the shots here - don’t do it. Even by saying to your DD, “I don’t think we should ask A to come and play because she wasn’t kind to you” is a good step in showing your own DD that this isn’t okay and she doesn’t have to stand for it.

This is not acceptable in the slightest.

I do follow “active parenting” which is what gentle parenting is supposed to be..you are supposed to actively support your child in their development, not allow poor behaviour.
Asserting your boundaries is fine - so long as you do so with kindness. There is no excuse for rudeness.

I would have them over one last time as a teaching moment. I would then make a point of teaching A
”We don’t say ‘go away’ in this house, it is unkind and impolite, if you no longer wish to play mummy can take you home”
”DD is going to choose where she wants to sit first - you may choose your seat after”
”If you don’t wish to talk to DD that’s ok - but you’ll need to leave if that’s your choice. You are here for a play date and that cannot happen if you don’t want to talk to her”

Setting these boundaries in front of your daughter is important, she needs to see that you will stand up for her when she can’t do so for herself.

A also needs to learn that DD has back up and adults will stand up for her.

You can control play dates - don’t arrange play dates with this kid.

Encourage your DD to play with other children and speak to her about boundaries and how she is feeling. When my DD was younger she was a people pleaser but also very strong willed and so she was at least able to defend herself when someone was mean.

As a tween she still has those tendencies and I have to remind her to guard her feelings. It’s better to learn to play with nice people earlier too.

Not an easy lesson to teach. Good luck x

Why would you even carry on this play date!?! Your poor DD. Invite other children round and not this awful girl, whose mother sounds just about as awful as her.