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Original poster

How do I fire my therapist?

75 replies

chatenoire · 25/08/2023 11:04

As a follow up to a thread from yesterday, I've realised that my therapist is not really doing anything for me anymore. (DH agrees). I've been seeing her for 5 years (give or take), so how do I have this conversation with her considering might need her again?

OP posts:
off · 25/08/2023 11:11

You could say that you feel the therapy has come to a natural stopping point and it's time for a break.

ScallyWaggyWoo · 25/08/2023 11:12

Just tell her you feel you’re ready for a break, and you’ll be in contact again when you need mlre.

TheYear2000 · 25/08/2023 11:14

Is it that you don't feel you need therapy at the moment? Or that you don't think she's a good therapist and you want a different one?

If it's the former, tell her in your next session you don't think you need therapy at the moment because x y z. I think it would be expected that you have a "closing off" session with her after this, it would be poor etiquette to just quit. Especially if you potentially will want regular sessions again.

If it's that the therapy with her isn't effective and you want to find a different therapist, similarly I think you need to be honest and explain that you don't think the therapy is working so well for you anymore and you want to try a different kind of therapy. You would still probably do a last session with her- that would be good for you as well as her.

MrsSkylerWhite · 25/08/2023 11:15

She’s helped you to where you want to be and for the foreseeable future you don’t need more sessions.

Isheabastard · 25/08/2023 11:20

Don’t think of it as firing her.

As a therapist she will know that most people don’t need therapy forever. It’s very natural for sessions to become less regular or cease.

I have been seeing a therapist for over a year. In that time I have seen her weekly, fortnightly. I have stopped for a few months and then made an appointment just once or twice to check in with her when I need to.

Think of her like a dentist. You wouldn’t keep going for weekly checkups if nothing is wrong with your teeth. You go when you need them.

It’s not your responsibility to keep her in business.

off · 25/08/2023 11:23

Bugger etiquette — you're a customer paying for a service and have no obligation to pay someone an extra £50–£150 pounds for a session you don't want, purely as a demonstration of etiquette. The closing-off session is for the client's benefit, and a good therapist should be able to make it helpful and useful. It's almost always a good idea to plan an ending session if you've been seeing a therapist long-term. But it's not about etiquette, it's about the relationship, the experience of therapy, managing an ending, being able to feel okay about the ending, that kind of thing. OP already seems sensitive about how the therapist will react to finding out she wants to stop therapy; she doesn't need to be told imaginary etiquette rules too.

Original poster
chatenoire · 25/08/2023 11:24

Isheabastard · 25/08/2023 11:20

Don’t think of it as firing her.

As a therapist she will know that most people don’t need therapy forever. It’s very natural for sessions to become less regular or cease.

I have been seeing a therapist for over a year. In that time I have seen her weekly, fortnightly. I have stopped for a few months and then made an appointment just once or twice to check in with her when I need to.

Think of her like a dentist. You wouldn’t keep going for weekly checkups if nothing is wrong with your teeth. You go when you need them.

It’s not your responsibility to keep her in business.

Thank you that's helpful!

To those who asked I think it's that:

a) I think she's done as much as she can (for now)

b) I'm fairly stable and happy with my decisions

I don't think it's even healthy that I come out thinking I have to defend myself about having a happy childhood (I did!)

OP posts:
Original poster
chatenoire · 25/08/2023 11:40

off · 25/08/2023 11:23

Bugger etiquette — you're a customer paying for a service and have no obligation to pay someone an extra £50–£150 pounds for a session you don't want, purely as a demonstration of etiquette. The closing-off session is for the client's benefit, and a good therapist should be able to make it helpful and useful. It's almost always a good idea to plan an ending session if you've been seeing a therapist long-term. But it's not about etiquette, it's about the relationship, the experience of therapy, managing an ending, being able to feel okay about the ending, that kind of thing. OP already seems sensitive about how the therapist will react to finding out she wants to stop therapy; she doesn't need to be told imaginary etiquette rules too.

I almost feel like therapy is a grey area... Because you can get close/attached. I hadn't seen her for 6-8 weeks and I thought the first session back would feel like a "warm embrace" instead it made me feel annoyed.

OP posts:
off · 25/08/2023 11:49

It's a very grey area. It's all about the relationship, but it's paid… it's equal, but one person has responsibilities the other doesn't and one person has opened up about themselves while the other hasn't… it's all very complicated.

But IMO thinking in terms of etiquette WRT closing sessions is unhelpful. If you have to call something therapy etiquette, IMO it would be turning up on time, paying on time, cancelling appointments well in advance if necessary, that kind of thing. But I believe you should think about the possibility of having specific "ending" sessions in terms of their therapeutic purpose for you, not in terms of etiquette. If you read about them in the therapeutic literature, that's how they're discussed — not as a politeness towards the therapist.

sarahc336 · 25/08/2023 12:02

Therapist here 😃 just tell them, it's actually nice to hear that people no longer require therapy, they'll no be hard feelings 😃

Original poster
chatenoire · 25/08/2023 13:25

sarahc336 · 25/08/2023 12:02

Therapist here 😃 just tell them, it's actually nice to hear that people no longer require therapy, they'll no be hard feelings 😃

That's the thing, I'm pretty sure she thinks I still need it!

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 25/08/2023 13:36

I’m a therapist: Just tell her you are done for now. No need to apologize or feel guilty about it. I always try to graduate my patients and am often ready before they are. Its a perfectly normal stage of therapy. I encourage people to have one last termination/reflection session and then I thank them for all their hard work and say I will keep a light on in the window for them and they can always come back for a catch up if they want. Five years is a long time to have been in therapy and not feel comfortable enough to end it—and not feel safe enough to trust your therapist’s judgment about it.

In my opinion you should feel comfortable enough to tell her that you don’t feel the therapy is right for you. If you don’t feel comfortable saying that its definitely not right for you.

That doesn’t mean she is a bad therapist—you might be wring about your happy childhood. Some very abused people from some awful families can’t and won’t accept that fact and they often leave therapy because its too uncomfortable to admit what is going on. But if after five years you don’t trust her she is not going to be able to help so you should move on.

Original poster
chatenoire · 25/08/2023 13:51

pikkumyy77 · 25/08/2023 13:36

I’m a therapist: Just tell her you are done for now. No need to apologize or feel guilty about it. I always try to graduate my patients and am often ready before they are. Its a perfectly normal stage of therapy. I encourage people to have one last termination/reflection session and then I thank them for all their hard work and say I will keep a light on in the window for them and they can always come back for a catch up if they want. Five years is a long time to have been in therapy and not feel comfortable enough to end it—and not feel safe enough to trust your therapist’s judgment about it.

In my opinion you should feel comfortable enough to tell her that you don’t feel the therapy is right for you. If you don’t feel comfortable saying that its definitely not right for you.

That doesn’t mean she is a bad therapist—you might be wring about your happy childhood. Some very abused people from some awful families can’t and won’t accept that fact and they often leave therapy because its too uncomfortable to admit what is going on. But if after five years you don’t trust her she is not going to be able to help so you should move on.

I think partially it's my personality. I struggled to "graduate" a language student I had (she was my student for a few years).

In respect to my childhood, no it definitely was a happy one! From when I was 11 it all went downhill and I definitely see that as the "end" of my happy days. Just because my family wasn't necessarily the most child-centric and I was obsessed with astronomy from a young age didn't make me precocious or that I didn't have a fulfilling childhood, I did!

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 25/08/2023 13:57

No need to feel combative about your childhood then with me or with her.

Endings are hard! If I were you I would either end it cleanly and politely by email thanking her for her work or go to her and say “I want the last piece of work we do to be about how to have a “good good bye”” and then work on that for a few sessions and be done.

Original poster
chatenoire · 25/08/2023 14:04

pikkumyy77 · 25/08/2023 13:57

No need to feel combative about your childhood then with me or with her.

Endings are hard! If I were you I would either end it cleanly and politely by email thanking her for her work or go to her and say “I want the last piece of work we do to be about how to have a “good good bye”” and then work on that for a few sessions and be done.

Edited

Sorry, I was not trying to sound combative, but I think that's my struggle. Not everything has a "darker" origin, and being apologetic about some things that were definitely major issues I don't think helped.

I know we don't have to agree, but if I were her I would just let it be.

OP posts:
neverexpectedthis · 25/08/2023 15:35

I recently had a few sessions of counselling and I knew after the first one that I probably wasn't going to click with the counsellor but I persevered for another few excruciating sessions. After the third one, she sent me an email with suggested dates for the next one and I replied to say thank you but I felt our time together (even though it was brief) had reached a natural conclusion and that I'd be in touch if I needed further help. It was all quite amicable and I felt relieved to not have to go through that again.

I've since found another counsellor who I definitely gel with.

Original poster
chatenoire · 25/08/2023 17:08

neverexpectedthis · 25/08/2023 15:35

I recently had a few sessions of counselling and I knew after the first one that I probably wasn't going to click with the counsellor but I persevered for another few excruciating sessions. After the third one, she sent me an email with suggested dates for the next one and I replied to say thank you but I felt our time together (even though it was brief) had reached a natural conclusion and that I'd be in touch if I needed further help. It was all quite amicable and I felt relieved to not have to go through that again.

I've since found another counsellor who I definitely gel with.

I guess the difference is that it's 5 years! She saw me through my engagement, marriage, pregnancy, my father's legal issues, going NC with my sister, my DH not being so darling... It's been a lot!

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 25/08/2023 18:04

Five years is a long time, have you had regular reviews during that time? If so you could ask for a check in to see where you are in therapy and tell her you feel you’ve done all you want to just now. A therapists job is literally to work themselves out of a job. She’s clearly been a significant person in your life and ending can be hard but it sounds like it’s time for you.

Alternately you could say in session that you feel it’s time to end and either do ending work there with her or book a final session. It’s irrelevant whether she thinks you still need therapy, you’re the client and you can leave whenever you feel you want to - it would be unethical for her to persuade you otherwise or to try and insist on a number of ending sessions. Or simply don’t book another session.

You can change therapist, leave therapy, go back to therapy any time and in any way you like.

Original poster
chatenoire · 25/08/2023 18:28

Jellycatspyjamas · 25/08/2023 18:04

Five years is a long time, have you had regular reviews during that time? If so you could ask for a check in to see where you are in therapy and tell her you feel you’ve done all you want to just now. A therapists job is literally to work themselves out of a job. She’s clearly been a significant person in your life and ending can be hard but it sounds like it’s time for you.

Alternately you could say in session that you feel it’s time to end and either do ending work there with her or book a final session. It’s irrelevant whether she thinks you still need therapy, you’re the client and you can leave whenever you feel you want to - it would be unethical for her to persuade you otherwise or to try and insist on a number of ending sessions. Or simply don’t book another session.

You can change therapist, leave therapy, go back to therapy any time and in any way you like.

No our sessions are never structured and more often than not I feel like we don't even scratch the surface or we go sideways...

Yesterday, I told of how much of a big deal is to go on holidays, and how working from home feeds into it I don't think it's rocket science and quite normal to feel the way I feel, yet she said it's because I'm generally unhappy (again not the case).

OP posts:
boomoohoo · 25/08/2023 19:18

I'm in long term therapy. I suggest you tell her honestly how you feel. That it's pissing you off that she seems to dismiss what you say, that it's hard for you to say it and scary maybe, but you feel at an empasse about it and it feels like it's no longer working for you. I guess what I'm saying is, be really honest about why you are leaving. It's really common to project our emotional experiences onto our therapists, crucial infact. When we can work through that with them safely, these moments are nuggets of gold. A good therapist will know this and expect it is part of the therapeutic process

Jellycatspyjamas · 25/08/2023 19:20

Five years is a very long time to feel
like you’re not really scratching the surface, I’d expect the relationship to have been be working at depth for a long time now, you’re literally throwing good money after bad if you’re not working at some depth. I’d end therapy, take some time out and see someone new if you feel you need it.

pikkumyy77 · 25/08/2023 19:29

This really doesn’t sound like a good fit for you! After five years you should feel like you and your therapist really work well together—that you get down to brass tacks quickly, can trust her judgment, and that she “gets you” on a deeper level. I would simply politely bin her.

Original poster
chatenoire · 25/08/2023 19:35

Jellycatspyjamas · 25/08/2023 19:20

Five years is a very long time to feel
like you’re not really scratching the surface, I’d expect the relationship to have been be working at depth for a long time now, you’re literally throwing good money after bad if you’re not working at some depth. I’d end therapy, take some time out and see someone new if you feel you need it.

I guess after 5 years, the superficial does become a bit more "in depth" in a cumulative way

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 25/08/2023 19:49

No, superficial is superficial - depth is feeling she gets you, knowing you can take anything to her, that you won’t be dismissed or deflected. Times when you feel you and her are in it together, looking at the same issues and figuring it out together. You’d know it if it happened, relational depth is the life blood of therapy and brings about meaningful change.

Therapy isn’t like talking to a friend, or having a sounding board, it’s getting underneath to see what else is fuelling the fire.

WunWun · 25/08/2023 19:54

I have taken the wimp's way out twice with therapists where it was no longer working - said I'd had a big expense come in and needed a break for financial reasons.

To be fair I was getting into debt by paying them on both occasions, so it wasn't an outright lie