How do I fire my therapist?

[chatenoire]

As a follow up to a thread from yesterday, I've realised that my therapist is not really doing anything for me anymore. (DH agrees). I've been seeing her for 5 years (give or take), so how do I have this conversation with her considering might need her again?

Well she definitely doesn't "get me" (or at least not always) and sometimes I feel it was almost victim blaming.

This holiday was definitely something she should have got. I was disappointed because a) I like holidays
b) I spent a lot of money on it
c) the one thing I wanted to do I couldn't do

It's not like I didn't enjoy it because of some childhood trauma, it was just realistically my idea of hell in the end.

I’m in the trenches myself. Just got out of an emergency session with someone I have seen for three years. The depth snd bleak, sometimes hilarious, honesty of these sessions is amazing. You can have an intense short therapy, or a dull shallow long one. This therapy sounds like it was ok for some things for a while but ultimately she does not understand as you want to be understood, snd she pushes you in ways you don’t accept. It doesn’t mean it was never useful. But its no longer useful.

I have had the same therapist for 5 years so I totally understand your feelings. It sounds like it may not be working for you - and that's fine. My therapist encourages me to take regular breaks from therapy (we're currently on an extended summer break until mid-Sept) and we probably talk about the plan for therapy/aims every 3-4 months. I had an issue earlier this year where I felt like everything was very superficial and that I didn't need to spend so much money telling someone what I did at the weekend and we worked through it and changed up a few things so we could actually feel like we were making progress. I've also quite long term therapy before via email and the therapist didn't seem the least bothered so I wouldn't worry too much about them!

Yes, I don't think there's much more movement forward.

I still don't have anyone in real-life that I can empty my guts out so to speak. I have a couple of sporadic "WhatsApp" friends and a couple of real life ones but the closest one to me is lma family friend too (we go on double dates) so it's not like I can complain about my DH!

Plus, some bits of my life I feel like you really need that patient-therapist confidentiality. I think none of my friends know about it (my DH does though).

So yes she KNOWS all the ins and outs of my life but instead of pushing me forward I feel like the emphasis is way too much on the past.

I just ghosted mine. Like a real grown up. 🫣

@chatenoire I've made exactly the same points to my therapist before - sometimes, not everything comes down to a comment my DM may have made 30 years ago! It frustrates me when he tries to read too much into things but I generally just roll my eyes. I understand that getting to grips with past trauma is important (and one of the things I see him for is PTSD) but I also need it to be future focussed and have outcomes and goals.

LOL I do that all the time! (Not with my therapist but I once ghosted a car sales man that for some reason ordered the car I cancelled and when I arrived I never replied back).

EXACTLY!! I get that it's part of their professional training, but it gets tiring! I'm allowed to dislike things just because.

Thing is though, you are a paying customer. If you don't feel that the sessions are benefiting you at present, then you have the right to suspend them for the time being.

From what you've said that you talk to her about, it seems to me that what you really need is someone who listens to you while you pour out your troubles. Maybe what you need is just a sympathetic ear for a while rather than someone who wants to analyse everything.

Have you thought about the possibility of seeing someone else?

Another therapist here! I’d understand if someone felt they wanted to end or take a long break - as someone else on this thread put it, I would make it clear I would ‘keep the light on’ and the person would be welcome back.

However, I am going to suggest you think about when you feel the work stopped feeling as if it was moving you forwards - ie, when did it really start feeling ‘over’? It is very easy to keep going even though you are no longer getting much out of it - sometimes just because you like your therapist as a person and you have a lot of history together. That’s totally normal and your therapist may well be fond of you (possibly she’s avoiding the ending a bit herself). If that is the glue, then you could agree to focus the remaining work on those feelings about the actual relationship with her, not things in your past as that will just keep you where you are. And it could be helpful to think what you might want from the ending in order to move on from it. It is easy to get very comfortable in long-term therapy in the sense you both know the narratives and the patterns and the sessions can become about noticing the familiar. I was in therapy for this kind of time frame and found ending it very hard even though I could see what was keeping me in it was that I liked my therapist - I had, though, outgrown the relationship.

Before her I saw someone for like 9 months. She was very CBT focused and it did help (to an extent) but this therapist took over and it was miles better. I kind of ghosted her two years ago for a few months, but then I was made redundant and felt like I needed her again.

My DH says that if I see someone new I'd have to start from scratch (which is true).

Now that I'm more stable, it's true I think I just need a sympathetic third party that I can vent to.

I think I've been feeling this way for at least 8-6 months. She was not very supportive when I went NC with my sister, but even then I think she was still kind of helpful.

When my DM visited it was a good way to vent about her. However I feel that I can take months before I get another worthwhile "nugget". I've even thought of longer sessions once every 6 weeks as a general "check in".

My DH says that if I see someone new I'd have to start from scratch (which is true).

You wouldn’t be starting from scratch though, you’d be starting from where you are now, not where you started 5 years ago. A break to see if you need therapy, or whether it’s become a habit, is a good thing.

I'm pretty sure it has become a habit. Part of my monthly routine. These 6-8 weeks that I didn't see her didn't seem any worse than when I see her regularly. That added to the feeling that I felt more annoyed than "balanced" with our last session are proof that I've outgrown it (at last for now).

In case anybody wanted an update, I couldn't :(. I told her I believe I'm neurodivergent, she told me I genuinely don't put any effort, that I omit details, and that how is she supposed to help me? And she also asked why do I need a diagnosis

She concluded that I do need psychiatric evaluation but that I also need MORE therapy.

Look: I think you should thank her and move on.

With respect to being ND she may feel that she is not competent diagnose it or give you the tailored therapy you would need. I have had ND clients, and clients who wanted the dx, sometimes Im a good fit and sometimes I’m not.

I am not going to evaluate her approach or grade her therapy or the interaction at a distance. But it seems that you and she don’t agree on what the “work” looks like or what her role is. You no longer find her psychodynamic approach useful and she seems a bit defensive or at any rate feels you are not working your end or responding to her gambits/bids.

Just take some time to explore your sense that you are neurodivergent and look into therapy and therapists that would be good for that. Then pursue the diagnosis and look for a new, experienced, therapist.

Hmmm. I only have one shortish experience of therapy that I gave up on as she really didn't get me.
I ended up leaving a message on her answerphone thanking her for her "help" and saying that I would get back in touch after a break. And of course I never did.

I also had a happy childhood which she refused to accept.
The thought of the extra money helped me get on and make the phone call.
It won't be long til you can afford another (better) holiday.

If these extra therapy session should be with her I'd start getting deeply cynical about her motivation.

Honestly if she won't politely let you terminate the paying relationship - just don't book any more sessions and take some time and think about how you want to proceed - a different therapist, different type of therapy or looking int to diagnosis and possible coping strategies - though thinking about what you hope to gain isn't a bad idea.

This is not a friend this is a service you are paying for and it it's not working look elsewhere.

Your posts also suggest you've lost faith in her views anyway- so best to look elsewhere anyway not least to get a second opinion.

Mine fired me last week. That was a shock. But maybe it was at a natural end.

We went from weekly to fortnightly, and just as I was thinking, I don't need even this any more, she asked me how long I felt I would need to be continuing for. We had a couple more sessions, partly because someone from my childhood would be visiting after I'd not seen him for years, and I wasn't sure how it would affect me, and that was it - but I was free to get in touch if I needed to. That was about 10 years ago - I saw her for about 4 years.

Yes, I'm a bit cynical too... We need another session so I can tell her about what I've decided.

I think there's always been red flags about her not fully working for me, but I just ignored them.

She also said that feeling pissed off after seeing her is normal too.

Why did you tell her you believe you're neurodivergent, just at the point you're thinking of leaving her?

We need another session so I can tell her about what I've decided.

Right or you could just decide and implemented it without her permission.

It made sense in head, and that it would benefit from specialised therapy

Your choice, of course, but it seems to me you might've done better to stick to what you went there to say, 'fired' her & then looked for someone who knows about neurodiversity.

I wondered if maybe you intended to fire her in that session, but felt uneasy about doing it & did a bit of the old 'it's not you, it's me'.😂Perfectly understandable. We're all flying by the seat of our pants when we try to end a therapeutic relationship, because we haven't done it before & don't know how the therapist will react.

I've twice had to end therapy because one went wrong & weird after a few years of being great & very healing (due to stuff in the therapist's life which she told me about in detail, no no no), & the other was useless from the start (with that one, I tried going through the NHS & never would again as you can't choose who you see & they look on you completely differently). Both times I explained what I thought the problem was with the way the therapy was going, set out things I thought would improve the situation & was willing to take on board their views. The first one went ballistic & caused a lot of damage. The second one sat there like a lump (as she had in each of the few sessions I endured with her), did nothing (ditto) & when I politely let her know it was over she wrote to my GP saying what a shame it was that I had unaccountably walked out as she felt we really could've got somewhere with my 'problems'. The lying cow.

Decades later I found another therapist & she's been wonderful. I chose her really carefully & she's exceeded my expectations.