How do you get your dc to listen to you?

[1Biscuit]

I'm currently sat crying because my dc behavior has got so bad.

They are 6 & 8.

A year ago, people commented on what lovely, well behaved children they were. I could take them places and they would behave. They did have their moments but if I told them to stop or do something they would listen.

Now they are like completely different children. They fight constantly. They don't listen to me or their dad. They hit us and think it's funny. When we go out they demand things and shout and scream if they don't get it. They fight at the park and make a spectacle.

To be honest I'm too embarrassed to take them places now.

Today we went to a trampoline park and they did behave on the way but as soon as we got in the car to come home they were fighting again. They knew I would cancel it if they fought on the way so they waited til we'd spent ££ to start. They then screamed because we didn't stop for an ice cream.

Went to the park this afternoon and eldest ran past me and kicked me in the leg. Youngest then laughed and slapped me. I was with another parent and I was so embarrassed and exhausted I had to bring them home.

This is a regular occurrence. I don't know what's gone wrong and I need to be able to make them understand this needs to stop.

Anyone?

What happened when they kicked and slapped you? Ie how did you respond?

We came back home. On the way back I told them what they did was unacceptable and disrespectful, said they couldn't play Xbox or Roblox so they started arguing with each other and moaned they were bored. Spent the rest of the evening bickering and shouting.

It's wearing me down.

Has something at home changed? Is there any stress that they are responding to?

If they can behave on the way to the trampoline park they know what they are doing!
Firm boundaries, consistency and clear consequences for misbehaving.

I would try, before going anywhere, sitting them down and saying we are going to x, I expect you to do xyz and not do abc. Make it explicitly clear the behaviour you expect. If you do/do not do this then xyz (come straight home/no whatever the next day etc).

Then if they kick you I would make it extremely clear that you are very very cross and that is totally unacceptable behaviour. When they kicked you, did they know you were angry? It's okay to be really firm with them for things like that.

Have you read the how to talk book?

Following as one of my children is very similar. Was a very easy going, nice natured younger child then seemingly overnight has become very shouty and rude.

No, nothing has changed.

Well, sitting crying won't help.

Firm boundaries, consequences when they misbehave, don't blink, don't give an inch. Ignore their whining and moaning.

Grit your teeth and keep going. They'll be back at school in two weeks.

As for them hitting or kicking you, that would result in cancelling all outings and privileges for the rest of the holiday. Violence at that age needs to be stopped in its tracks.

News rules and consequences for not following . One. warning and then consequence . It clear with boundary they will soon learn . E.g I've asked you not to ..... if you do ..... then this is what will happen and then follow through . They might test you to see if you really mean it .
It's so hard , you've got this x

You need to be bloody firm with children. I’m quick to whip a treat off mine if they don’t toe the line. Your children shouldn’t be “brave” enough to physically attack you, that’s crazy. You are too soft.

take their screens away and make them earn them back.

no treats until their behaviour improves.

I agree you need to nip it in the bud but just focusing on punishments alone ime can sometimes leave children feeling so angry they've been deprived of something that they focus on that and do not reflect upon their own behaviour.

Have you sat them down and told them how sad you feel when they hurt you? They are old enough to understand that you have feelings and that it's not acceptable to hurt you.

Too much screen time?

If they were well behaved before something has caused this. Are they spending too much time on screens, playing only age appropriate games? Has something happens at school?

It does sound like you’re handling the bad behaviour really well tbh. Does dh also react this way when they misbehave.

Screens the problem imv

This describes my eight year old to a tee.

Here is your problem. You effectively disciplined them by applying a natural consequence - hit at park, we leave the park. That’s good.

Then you decided to add a punishment on top (removal of Xbox/Roblox), this creating anger and resentment. It isn’t a natural consequence, it has nothing to do with what happened at the park and you had already disciplined them so it was an unnecessary add on.

You should always discipline, never punish.

Discipline means using natural consequences to show behaviour isn’t acceptable and why. Children learn from it.

Punishment is a power battle, a form of control, and it doesn’t teach them anything so the behaviour won’t change. It just makes emotions run high.

Take them straight home when they act up and then put them in their room. I did this and it’s worked. No matter where we were and what we were doing, if they started they went home to bed. And I didn’t give an inch, even though I would stand and cry in the garden. It has worked and things are so much calmer now but took maybe two or three times for them to get it.

Great advice. We've followed this, STRICTLY, from the beginning, in an age-appropriate way that they can understand/deal with. They are explicitly told, simply, what we expect from them before going out. They get one warning - if they continue, the consequences are XYZ. Whining and demanding is not tolerated. We always try and model how we expect them to speak to us. We will tell them "what you just said is very rude. We do not speak to people that way. How would you feel blah blah blah". Not too long a speech, but enough to get the point across. When they were younger it took time to get across but you just keep repeating and repeating and repeating, as I'm sure I will need to keep repeating as they become teens etc.

They were taken off devices/screens for a LONG time as well as we found it totally wrecked their behaviour, they couldn't go on until they were older and could understand that they would only get X amount of time, then they were to turn it off. Any tantrumming gets a warning, then a LONG ban (I heard other parents say "I'll take 5 minutes off your gaming!" but the kids just ignored that). They are now 7, 8 and 10 and we still follow this. It works pretty well. They were allowed to learn what boredom is and became brilliant at making up their own games/fun/entertainment.

They also all bicker sometimes. They get three warnings, then sent to different parts of the house to calm down. My oldest can be very bull-headed and uses logic/reason so I can't just yell at him, and getting angry just ignites his fuse so he needs handling differently.

They are likes puppies that need constant exercise - being stuck indoors for too long/sitting around somewhere makes them start to misbehave. Exercise is key for them, and they are always better behaved when they've been thoroughly run ragged somewhere.

What do they say when you speak to them about it? Do they express any empathy for how hurt and upset you must feel to be treated like that? Certainly the 8 year old should be capable of this I would imagine - and the 6 year old too to a large extent I would have thought.

I realise I run the risk of sounding like a dick here, but I never "punished" my daughter for any poor behaviour - never had to. If she did anything that hurt or upset me (which she never really did to be fair, certainly nothing extreme) we discussed it so that she understood that - just as we discussed it if she was hurt or upset by things too.

People say "children need firm boundaries" but I am not too sure - I think what they need is to be helped develop emotional intelligence. And I am not sure endless "consequences" do that.

If my parents had imposed "consequences" I would have despised them. But I respected the fact they treated me like a rational being capable of thought and empathy.

Hope you are ok OP. It does sound tough and it is ok to cry sometimes!

Have you taken the Xbox and Roblox away? Keep it away for a while and see if their behaviour changes.
They'll play up to get it back but stay strong and you'll see a difference. After a few days they'll get used to it and will likely be a lot calmer.

Get them outdoors daily. The park or somewhere for a walk. A local farm would be good too. Even if it's raining, get raincoats on and get out.
At that age they need lots of exercise.

Will they sit through films? Have movie afternoons instead of the Xbox and Roblox.

There are three aspects to consider:
-the culture of the home
-your response to an incident
-their individual selves (personalities, maturity, any additional needs etc.) (parents often overestimate a child's maturity level meaning they expect too much).

In your shoes I'd sit myself down and review the general framework of my home life. Be honest - are they bored, undersupervised, overstimulated? Do they have enough of the positive type of parental input? Sometimes setting up an activity is less work than telling them off when they can't entertain themselves nicely. If the activity is fun they have a vested interest in behaving well to stay involved. Sometimes it feels like you're a childminder but that is more fun than separating arguing kids.

Also you say you were going to a trampoline park. There is absolutely nothing wrong with them but consider whether you might want calm activities if you want to encourage calmer behaviour. Think about whether you're winding them up through the things they get to do. Do you intervene at the 'boisterous' stage or not until the 'hitting' stage?

Do you set out your behaviour standards in positive terms? Rather than 'don't do x' say 'do y'.

Then if they hit at the park I'd make them sit with me for a time while the others played.

Don't despair, they are still young you have time to turn this around. It is good you want to.

Well, sitting crying won't help.

Being sad and frustrated are both perfectly normal reactions to this, and crying is a physical manifestation of those feelings. Letting yourself feel what you feel is always helpful.

Although the most recent incident was hitting you, it sounds like a lot of the fighting is between them, and that they are encouraging each other towards worse behaviour.

Can you and their dad take one child each for the day. Go out to different places, run off some energy and also try and chat about expectations for behaviour.

If their behaviour is better separately can you try and schedule in a few weeks of separate days.