How to get over being unlikeable?

[Allby]

I am mid 40's now and have to accept I am just not likeable.

I have no real friends, haven't seen my family for two months (I have tried!) and the sum total of meet up/ play date requests over the holidays has been one trip to softplay.

I work, it's hybrid but I come in two days a week. Everyone on my bank of desks has just got up and gone to lunch together without me. I try to engage people in chat and seem to get along with people but it goes no further than that.

I thought I had a trip out with "friends" and our DC on Friday to a local stately home place but it now appears I was only invited because I am a member and get free guest tickets. Said "friends" have discovered that guest tickets are electronic and can be used without me there so they are going tomorrow instead (I am working). I stupidly sent them over this morning because I was being organised. The weather is looking crap for tomorrow too so clearly they just don't want to go with me.

I am at a loss to know what I have done wrong? I think I am a nice person? Probably not the most exciting but I am intelligent and usually feel people like me when I am speaking to them.

My DS has recently been diagnosed ASD and at his assessment I was told to watch out for signs in my DD as it often runs in families and it is less noticeable in girls.
Maybe I am ASD and just do not realise the social cues?

Anyway, I need to stop fretting about this and find ways of going about my life without this hanging over me. But how?
Should I just stop trying?

I have a nice life otherwise, nice home, DH and although life can be challenging with DS it could be worse. I struggle with childcare due to DS and that is getting harder with age so me and DH don't get out much together. I just feel a bit lonely I suppose.

Anyone else the same? Have you made peace with it?

Hi OP it makes me feel sad reading your post, you don’t sound boring or unlikable. I work in the public sector and with the public I’ve done it for 40 years and have met thousands and thousands of people only on a few occasions have I ever met anyone unlikable and they were usually arrogant dickheads you don’t sound like one of those. I don’t know what to suggest but I’m sending you 💐.

OP sounds like you have had a run of bad luck, some unthinking friends and some flaky encounters with other mums.

This is a common problem!

You might be projecting that you are unlikeable on situations now.

I've had similar recently so I can really empathise. Just hold tight, hope things will improve for you (and me).

Hi OP, i'm sorry you're feeling this way. You sound like a lovely person. I am an overthinker and this can be to my detriment really. With age, I have come to the conclusion that people are complicated. Many are just out for themselves. Others just like to climb the social ladder. A few in between are actually nice. You just have to find them!

I can come across as standoffish but that really is a defence mechanism. I am being less so for the sake of my DC and it seems to be paying off. I have instigated playdates over the holiday and its worked out well. My DC has never been invited to one so I am getting the ball rolling.

Hand on heart, i think I was the cause of my DC not getting playdates because I might come across as disinterested. But people close to me know i am fun/caring, I just didn't feel the need to prove myself. Do you think you could start the ball rolling too? How is your DS around other kids?

TBH i also think playdates are too overthought. There seems to be an obsession with them. You can get by without them, kids will play at school anyway.

Just be kind to yourself.

You sound lovely op
I've often felt that people don't like me much ( never fitted in with certain women etc)
I've no real advice , but just think ' it's their loss ' which it is. Your the better person than they seem to be.

You sound like me op

I’m in my 40s and for the first time in many many years made a new friend recently- she’s a bit quirky like me !

I also worry about the knock on effect on DC - had one play date which I initiated

No advice but solidarity.

I also consider myself a nice person - do lots to help others etc

Hi @Allby, finding people with whom we ‘click’ is tricky. Don’t go making about the things you think you lack versus others, that way misery lies.
These days, making new friends is so difficult! Have you thought of joining an interest group which meets up in person, like a French club, community centre, adult class of some sort? And if you’re struggling to find people you click with, can you get a babysitter to come even once every couple of months so you & DH can get out together? Can he help find new parents you can talk to together (my OH did this for me for two years when as I was in some sort of pnd black hole). How often do you think you’d like to do social things with others?

Have you said to them 'I'm working tomorrow so we need to stick to Friday as originally planned'? I think you need to stand up for yourself.

Yes, it sounds to me as you behave as though you’re unimportant, OP, and people tend to take you at your own estimation.

Did you not say, ‘No, I can’t make tomorrow, as I’m working — let’s stick to the original plan’?

I'm sorry OP, you sound understandably down about this. No words of wisdom, I just think you got a bit unlucky. Bear in mind certain professions attract certain types so if you don't fit the majority personality type of your work place that's not a reflection on you or people disliking you, just the way it is. A hobby with like minded people would be lovely, difficult to organise with DS I know.

It’s lovely that you have a nice dh, home and children. Focus on these things, most people would be happy to have this, maybe even some of your ‘friends’. You must be very loveable, I’m sure your dh and children think so!

I’m really sorry you are sad about this and I have felt like that too at times. The two examples you have about people going to lunch without you and rearranging the day trip are those people being at best thoughtless and at worst plain mean. It sounds like you’ve been unlucky there with the kinds of people you know, rather than anything you’ve done.

I’ve often felt ‘invisible’ like this and yes I have learnt to accept it and not really care if certain people don’t appear to want to spend time with me. I now have a lovely bunch of work mates, a great dh and kids and I don’t really feel the need to pursue any other social connections. ‘Your people’ could be out there, you might just have not met them yet 😊

By the way you sound like a really nice person.

You haven’t messaged them to say “Hold on a minute, you’re using my tickets and going without me?”

Your’re clearly a nice person but you have to be able to shoe you bite a little to get respect. Without the respect, people like that feed off you.

*show

“I’m working tomorrow so can’t go then. If you’d rather go without me tomorrow because that works better for you all, that’s fine but I’m going to need my guest tickets to take someone else on Friday, so you’ll have to sort out your own entry.” Cheeky fuckers.

I think we can go through phases in life. I had people I thought of as friends when DC were young and we "needed" each other, but they've disappeared now. I found DC's school years really hard socially, I never seemed to fit in and TBH I do think that was partly because I worked PT. I was neither SAHM nor WOHM. The SAHMs felt a bit threatened maybe (or maybe it just genuinely wasn't convenient to work around my work) and I had more time on my hands than the WOHM, so felt it keenly when I wasn't included.

The happiest I've been was when I developed a hobby I can do on my own, but also joined a club. To begin with I just went along and did my thing, was polite but not looking to make friends as such. It took a really long time (years) but I have some really good friends there now. We meet up to do the thing, so you don't need to be "sociable" in the same way as when you're just meeting up iyswim.

I can't believe this group with the tickets though. Have you said "really, you're going to go on my free tickets without me?". Just to find out how they try to justify it. Not that it matters, you haven't lost anything.

Plan some lovely things to do on your own. Having adventures on my own is one of my favourite things these days. I've started keeping plans to myself in case some says "I'll come" 😆

They are being cheeky and you need to not say “it’s ok” when it’s not.

these people are not your friends, and they didn’t give a shit about upsetting you, so you are free to upset them by calling them out on their rudeness.

for work - giving the benefit of the doubt, could they have planned this on one of the days you weren’t in ?

Cancel the bloody tickets!

Cancel the damn tickets and let them squirm.

You sound lovely OP. I would also tell them they can’t use to tickets as you’ll take other friends on Friday if they can’t do that day. Stand up for yourself!

💐I doubt you are objectively unlikeable, although it may feel that way to you. Sometimes our own lack of confidence/self-esteem can taint our interactions and our thoughts and it kind of creates a vicious cycle.

When in groups of people socialising, I always feel like people are paying less attention to me than to one another, and it makes me feel like they dislike me. But I know consciously that it's my own anxiety/sense of inferiority/insecurity making me 'overinterpret' these sorts of signals.

We've only had one 'playdate' over the holidays too and honestly I think it's because everyone is so busy and wrapped up in their own families. It's easy to go down the spiral of thinking it's because others don't like us though, but it's not the psychological place I want to be!

Your post resonates with me. I find it really hard to make meaningful connections with people and always feel on the edge of a social situation

I organise a lot of dinners, play dates, meet ups but feel it's not replicated

I have just listened to "feel the fear and do it anyway", and it's made me feel a lot more positive and brave about it all. I'd really recommend it

You only really need chapter 1 out of 3 though so focus on that

Absolutely. OP, please contact them and say, 'I can't make it tomorrow so can;t offer the guest tickets as originally planned.'

You don't sound unlikeable. But if ASD runs in the family, you might well have it and might not pick up on social cues. DS has ASD and often felt lonely coming back from a weekly club after which everyone else went to lunch but never invited him. On the very last day of the club, when it closed, someone said, 'You have to come this time. We always wondered why you didn't join us.' He was waiting to be asked, but no one else was. They just happily tagged along. Next time your colleagues head for lunch, try just tagging along. Just assume you have as much right as anyone else to join the crowd going for lunch together.

You might also be very accommodating and polite in order to try and fit in, which, paradoxically, doesn't put others at ease as much as you think it might. I have found if I very gently occasionally disagree with someone, they like me more. I suppose they feel they can trust someone who speaks their mind tactfully more than someone who is trying too hard to fit in or being extremely opinionated.

Thanks everyone - sorry others feel the same way (although in some ways it makes me relieved it isn't just me).

there is a long backstory about how we came up with the date to go - one of them (she is a queen bee type) kept trying to insist we went on Thursday and I had already explained several times that I could not swap my day off/ childcare. At the time we all thought we had to go together to use the guest passes. It was only when I emailed them over and she checked the t&cs that she said well, we can go tomorrow then!

I have messaged back saying but you know I can't make tomorrow?

nothing from either of them.

Thanks for your suggestions. I am putting myself out there a bit more at work, have joined the book club and have agreed to line manage a small team to try to get me some more exposure - I admit I do keep myself to myself a bit but mainly because I am PT and just have to get through my work so I can dash out to collect DC. Plus WFH is quite isolating (although so useful!).

Otherwise I don't have many hobbies - I have been going to yoga classes for about 13 years and have been on a couple of retreats with them but have never developed any friendships.

I think having plans on my own will be the way to go.

Definitely not alone OP. I feel people have got more flaky since covid. I often feel like you and let it get in my head convincing myself that I’m not likeable. I have friends but not many I go out with and I’d love to do trips, theatre, holidays etc but I seem to only be fitted in for walk or a coffee which is nice but 🤷🏻‍♀️. I do have family, I work and Im a long term volunteer for a youth group. My children are grown up and leaving home so I ve decided I need to do more on my own and get out there - plenty of people do.

I don’t think it’s you - I think you’ve identified that a) Queen Bee is a bit of a cow and b) it’s hard to be best office buddies when you’re part time and need to rush off for childcare.

You sound great to me. Just be a tiny bit more assertive - instead of ‘but you know I can't make tomorrow?’ say ‘As you know I can't make tomorrow so we need to stick to Friday. I’ll be pretty annoyed if you use my free tickets without me!’ And when they all get up at the office for lunch say ‘Where are you getting lunch - is there room for one more, I’m starving?’ It feels hard but it’s less awkward the more you do it.

I agree with this . I have struggled with this in the past a lot. I think it's because of past trauma (bullying at school, and home, ongoing, relentless). I'm learning how to read situations differently now, to check the facts of a situation rather than relying on my own interpretation.

I think it does take time to find people who "get" us. I'm in my 40s now and finally have found people that get me and I them. It's been a long time coming but I'm thankful for it.