How to get over being unlikeable?

[Allby]

I am mid 40's now and have to accept I am just not likeable.

I have no real friends, haven't seen my family for two months (I have tried!) and the sum total of meet up/ play date requests over the holidays has been one trip to softplay.

I work, it's hybrid but I come in two days a week. Everyone on my bank of desks has just got up and gone to lunch together without me. I try to engage people in chat and seem to get along with people but it goes no further than that.

I thought I had a trip out with "friends" and our DC on Friday to a local stately home place but it now appears I was only invited because I am a member and get free guest tickets. Said "friends" have discovered that guest tickets are electronic and can be used without me there so they are going tomorrow instead (I am working). I stupidly sent them over this morning because I was being organised. The weather is looking crap for tomorrow too so clearly they just don't want to go with me.

I am at a loss to know what I have done wrong? I think I am a nice person? Probably not the most exciting but I am intelligent and usually feel people like me when I am speaking to them.

My DS has recently been diagnosed ASD and at his assessment I was told to watch out for signs in my DD as it often runs in families and it is less noticeable in girls.
Maybe I am ASD and just do not realise the social cues?

Anyway, I need to stop fretting about this and find ways of going about my life without this hanging over me. But how?
Should I just stop trying?

I have a nice life otherwise, nice home, DH and although life can be challenging with DS it could be worse. I struggle with childcare due to DS and that is getting harder with age so me and DH don't get out much together. I just feel a bit lonely I suppose.

Anyone else the same? Have you made peace with it?

Ok please message again that you’ve arranged to go with other friends on Friday so they can’t use your guest tickets as you’ll need them for your friend on Friday. Make them say they want to use the tomorrow. Then you can tell them to do one.

rhey aren’t your friends and aren’t worried about upsetting you so stop being nice to them.

That is incredibly rude of them and I wouldn't want to be friends with people who think that is OK.

Have you tried seeing if there are any local people on social media who have ASD children who would like to meet. You may be surprised with how many people feel lonely and just want like minded friends who understand the difficulties you face.

It doesn't mean you are not likeable it's just the people you have surrounding you are idiots and have formed their own clicks you are better off without them

Honestly I don't think you sound unlikeable... tooo nice / people pleaser maybe.

Do you ever feel you can be your true self? I only feel that way with my DH (i know, im sad - that I considered him my bestie 😂)

I'd be tempted to find out if the guest passes can be cancelled so they won't work at the gate. How rude to go without you!

please ask for your guest pass back and say you will use it with someone else on Friday

you don't sound at all unlikeable

I mean this gently, and the answer may be no, but is it possible that your son's autism has impacted the amount of playdates you have?

You sound lovely. I suspect you just haven't found the right people yet. And meeting people as adults is hard as we're all busy, overwhelmed and have different priorities. It's not you, it's probably the stage you're at.

Is it possible the friends that have ditched you haven't done so because of you and your 'unlikeability' but have done it as queen bee wants Thursday for another reason and what she says goes? She sounds like a knob, I'd totally ditch her.

I get things wrong and talk about myself too much @Allby but never in a month of Sundays would I use a friend's membership to get tickets and then go without her.
They sound like the unlikeable ones.

At work, I had a wee posse who'd go out for coffee without me. One used to say "can I bring you back a coffee?" and I would deliberately put on earphones. Like, she wants to do a sh1t thing (exclude me) but get me to say thank you for a takeaway coffee ?! So that she can behave badly but not feel badly.
I dont collude with her cognitive dissonance.

Another person from another floor swung past my desk recently and invited me for coffee and I said oh lovely, I appreciate being included. In earshot of the one who wants to exclude me but still feel good about herself!!

I'm sorry you're feeling this way it must be awful!!! Please be assured that you are definitely not unlikeable. I think because you have this negative view of yourself, you are limiting yourself and maybe not seeming too interested in others perhaps in a way to protect yourself from rejection? It's a self fulfilling prophecy, you think you're unlikeable, ergo you come across as unlikeable and it goes around in a circle. Maybe some CBT would help?
People are so rarely truly unlikeable, there is someone for everyone.
I was in a similar situation when I moved away from home and had to start fresh. I was so nervous about making friends and scared of rejection so I never put myself out there enough to make friends - if that makes sense?
You may not seem interested enough in these people for them to think you want to be friends etc.
xxx

You don't sound unlikable at all. Are you reserved? Are you letting people see the real you, beyond niceties?

And I would ignore the playdates thing- people on here seem to be doing them all the time but IRL parents are working and busy or away on holiday or at home but self-conscious about the mess/space/other kids, and don't really do them that often. That's my experience anyway.

Embrace it. Be a dick like me :)