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Original poster

So Sensitive to conflict even when it’s not mine!

33 replies

Lostinplaces · 22/08/2023 10:29

So I’m on bus. A passenger is arguing with the driver. Voices raised but not exactly shouting. I don’t know why but I absolutely hate it, feel like I want to get off and run away it makes me so anxious. It’s absolutely nothing to do with me albeit somewhat annoying that the bus is being held up.
I don’t know why I’m like this, can’t even stand fictional conflict on the bloody TV!
Am I just ridiculously over sensitive?

OP posts:
Tiqtaq · 22/08/2023 10:29

Look back at your childhood for clues about this OP

DeltaAlphaDelta79 · 22/08/2023 10:33

I am exactly the same OP. I can pretty much guarantee it came from my parent's fiery arguments prior to their divorce when I was very young.

Original poster
Lostinplaces · 22/08/2023 11:10

My parents didn’t argue very much that I can remember, there was however lots of conflict in the wider family. I did witness a lot of massive rows between aunts and uncles and with them and their children too. I didn’t realise it could have the affect it has.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 22/08/2023 12:04

It's a response from something in your childhood. It may not be that you saw lots of conflict, but a learned response to conflict. So when there was massive drama in your wider family, what did your parents do? Did they get stressed and avoid it? Did they try to people please and make it all go away and be swept under the rug?

Dh is very conflict avoidant. He spent an entire 24 hours last week sulking and mooding about the house because someone who was meant to come do a job for me didn't show up to do it and I told dh that I was going to have to tell the chap that he wouldn't be paid for the work that wasn't done. Cue dh in a massive strop because he would have just paid him for not turning up and doing the work because it's too difficult to think about having to have a frank conversation about the work not being done - work I contracted to be done and that I was paying for! But he just can't cope with conflict because he comes from a family with a lot of dysfunction but where the name of the game is to smile and talk about the weather rather than the chaos unfolding around them. (I drives me mad, because I'm generally quite a confrontational person, which is probably why he found me attractive because I do all the conflict for both of us and dh hides 😂).

toadasoda · 22/08/2023 14:50

I'm the same. Dh and DS fight all the time and I want to run away. It distresses me way more than them. I didn't grow up in a shouty environment or have an abusive relationship or anything so don't know why I am so sensitive. I'm so afraid of making someone angry that I often say nothing and let people walk over me which is not good for me.

EvilElsa · 22/08/2023 15:05

I'm exactly the same OP. We had two people fall out at work and although the fall out was resolved to a degree, the atmosphere was awful and it made me feel physically sick with worry. It sounds absolutely ridiculous as it has nothing to do with me at all, and they didn't seem particularly worried, but I just can't cope with it. I never used to be like this, it happened after a bout of severe depression a few years ago. Since then the anxiety I feel if other people fall out is awful. I actually work from home now so can avoid it really, but it's still there unresolved underneath.

SirChenjins · 22/08/2023 15:06

I'm the same - but I know it's because I spent my childhood dreading the next silence from my dad who would not speak to us for days/weeks on end if we did something 'wrong'. DH otoh grew up watching his mum stand up for herself and not giving a fuck, and so has no qualms about telling people what he thinks of them - which is sometimes a bit Shock to watch!

Tiqtaq · 22/08/2023 20:52

I don't think you are being over sensitive OP, I think you're being triggered due to previous experiences, probably from childhood.
Therapy could potentially really help with this.

forgivingfiggy · 22/08/2023 21:03

I feel very similar to you OP. Nothing glaringly obvious in my childhood...

Original poster
Lostinplaces · 22/08/2023 22:37

Sorry to read others are going through similar, it’s tough. I will look into some therapy to explore these reactions as pp’s have suggested. Thanks all for your kind responses.

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 22/08/2023 22:50

Yes, I'm the same and it's from childhood. It nearly gives me a panic attack.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 22/08/2023 23:01

I used to be like this but since meeting dh have become so much more assertive - especially with men. Ugh annoys me how much of a pushover l used to be. And l also let people crack on if they wanna argue, especially if it doesn't involve me.
Def from childhood

dubyalass · 22/08/2023 23:10

This is me! Can't stand conflict and will actively avoid it. Hate difficult conversations - I either capitulate or the stress of it all makes me shout and then run away. More likely to cry than articulate why I'm angry/upset.

It wouldn't surprise me at all if it stemmed from my childhood - sulking father and peacekeeper mother but in later life they would bicker horribly. Chose a partner who wouldn't make a decision but would berate me for making the wrong one. I'm a people pleaser, although less so as I get older and become less tolerant of twattery. I

Could probably do with some therapy.

Mmhmmn · 22/08/2023 23:53

Lostinplaces · 22/08/2023 22:37

Sorry to read others are going through similar, it’s tough. I will look into some therapy to explore these reactions as pp’s have suggested. Thanks all for your kind responses.

You might just be a highly sensitive person (HSP). Have a Google :-)

Mmhmmn · 22/08/2023 23:55

@dubyalass

Chose a partner who wouldn't make a decision but would berate me for making the wrong one.

Same. 🙄 exhausting!!

CherryBlossom321 · 22/08/2023 23:57

Yeah, same…childhood trauma. It physically makes me sick. I witnessed a conflict recently in the gym between two men and I left shaking and in tears. It is what it is. I haven’t found a way to change it.

TeaandHobnobs · 22/08/2023 23:59

I’m also the same. I have to mute the radio if there’s a spirited debate going on! Makes me feel all cringey and I just can’t bear it.
My parents argued loads when I was a child. I remember being age around 12 and wading in telling them to stop (looking back on this as an adult, I’m amazed they didn’t tell me to fuck off for this!). Though they weren’t unhappily married, as far as I know - they were just highly argumentative people (I suspect my dad may have been autistic as well)

I am generally an overly sensitive person, and see autistic traits in myself (I have a child with ASD)

SleepPrettyDarling · 23/08/2023 00:03

My parents never argued, and my mother in particular was a great believer in sweeping things under the carpet (largely because she was the saint, and my father the serial sinner.)

I’ve had situations where I’ve had nights out spoiled by rows adjacent to me, or experienced heightened stress from neighbouring situations (on the bus, in shops, etc.) I never had ‘normal arguing’ modelled to me, so presume every small disagreement is going to end in the apocalypse. Plus I married a conflict-avoidant person. Took me years to re-frame my home life, yet I still get a flight response when I witness conflict. Understand your life-experience in witnessing arguments, and you will be able to train your responses more knowingly.

toadasoda · 23/08/2023 00:08

Anyone else find panel shows, you know the current affairs ones really difficult to watch.. they stress me out totally when people are interrupting or talking over each other.

Opine · 23/08/2023 00:12

Maybe you just don’t like conflict and that’s that. It’s not a strange thing to dislike is it. It’s more normal to not enjoy it than otherwise. .

Childhood is a very small part of our lives. Not everything stems from our formative years. Last year matters just as much as three or four decades ago. Maybe more so.

Not everything needs therapy. Some things are just your personality. It’s fine to prefer harmony.

MarshaArt · 23/08/2023 00:48

Opine · 23/08/2023 00:12

Maybe you just don’t like conflict and that’s that. It’s not a strange thing to dislike is it. It’s more normal to not enjoy it than otherwise. .

Childhood is a very small part of our lives. Not everything stems from our formative years. Last year matters just as much as three or four decades ago. Maybe more so.

Not everything needs therapy. Some things are just your personality. It’s fine to prefer harmony.

The problem is it can make somewhat normal situations quite distressing. I imagine that’s why OP is posting, because it bothers her.

Tiqtaq · 23/08/2023 01:17

I don't think many people enjoy conflict.

We're talking though about someone who reacts strongly to conflict even when it doesn't involve them. This is troublesome in its impact on her life - and the situation can be addressed and improved through therapy. This doesn't mean OP has to have therapy.

AppletreesAndHoneybeesAndSnowWhiteTurtleDoves · 23/08/2023 01:24

Interesting, a lot of aggression in my family growing up. Domestic abuse much of it verbal some physical. For me I go into fight mode if I'm around conflict. I am on the defensive immediately and go from zero to b**ch in 60 secs. Yet hearing conflict in not directly involved in makes me either freeze or feel I want to run away. A man's raised voice especially.

dubyalass · 23/08/2023 07:14

Mmhmmn · 22/08/2023 23:55

@dubyalass

Chose a partner who wouldn't make a decision but would berate me for making the wrong one.

Same. 🙄 exhausting!!

I'm long out of it and hope you are too! It really was exhausting.

Saucery · 23/08/2023 07:23

I have this reaction to men arguing, even on the TV, if it’s real (fictional arguing doesn’t bother me, however aggressive). I don’t know why, as my parents and wider family didn’t argue much, or aggressively. It’s probably a female defence mechanism, as it makes me want to put a lot of distance between me and them. Football crowds freak me out, always have, even that low roar from spectators on TV - condensed male violence waiting to explode.