Having a second child

[whyyy321]

I'm not sure if this is going to make sense, but am interested in peoples experiences!

I have an almost 1 year old and am beginning to tie myself in knots about whether I want to have a second one in the next 2 years or so. I had a fine pregnancy - baby came a little early but nothing dramatic. I did stay in hospital with the baby for about a week which I hated and I do think impacted my first few months of motherhood and didn't help at all the struggles I had with breastfeeding (stress, conflicting advice, lack of skin-on-skin time because of jaundice & being under the lamps). I have definitely struggled with becoming a mum- things have felt better since going back to work (just in terms of feeling like myself again) and better again as sleep has improved (touch wood!). Sleep was awful for the first 11 months I'd say, and I am only just realising the impact that had on my mental health. I've still struggled e.g., with illnesses and juggling time off work etc., and am definitely prone to worry/panic or feeling very overstimulated. I have been low at times but never to the point of needing help.

I'm beginning to wonder if I want a second. I always wanted 2, but it's not been easy for us and I am wondering if I should put myself through it again (DH also not sure, for similar reasons - he has struggled with adjustment and losing time for himself). We are about to move which will make life considerably easier (currently very far from any family support). However, I am aware that things like the occasional weekend away we have managed or odd mornings to ourselves will become less likely with a second and I am not sure how that'll affect me. Obviously no guarentees in life that we'd even get pregnant, but we'd not want to wait more than 3 years at a push due to our ages (so our LO would be about 3.5 years max). When I have plenty of space and support I can imagine a second, but when it's just the three of us and someone is ill or sleep is horrific, I am petrified!

Sorry long and waffly, but basically I am wondering- if you stopped at 1 for similar reasons, did you find that once your 1 was primary/older, you wished you'd gone for it and pushed through the chaotic baby days a second time, or have you remained happy with your choice? If you had a second, did you get to a point where you felt OK to handle it again?

I have a nearly 8 year old. We made the decision before she was 1 that she was going to be an only child.

I didn't feel the need for more kids and I was happy giving her my full attention.

That said other factors came into it like childcare costs (I know a lot better these days) and lack of assistance from family etc.

Also, selfishly we thought about the future. We knew we wanted good holidays with our daughter, and great experiences for her and for us. We like to go out and have a nice time too. Also thinking about them when they are older, driving lessons, car, deposit for house, uni fees etc and then there is retirement to consider!

Having more than one child would make all that harder. Your relationship is important as a couple too and you need to consider what's more important to you.

I'm content with our decision.

On the negative side having one is time binding and hard work when they want attention and someone to play with, especially when we aren't always there to give it. Our daughter likes interaction and we have parent guilt a lot because we can't always give her the playtime she desires, a sibling might have took that stress away, but we'll never know now, and imo that's not a good enough reason to have another.

Thanks so much for your reply!

That's really interesting, I like how you frame it as giving your DD all your attention as that feels lovely and beneficial to her, rather than the "poor only child" story I hear a lot. And sustaining our relationship- I want to make sure we are still us when the LO inevitably goes off and does their own thing. Currently we'd only be early to mid-50s when that would likely happen and I think that'd give so much time for our own interests and time again.

Do you feel as your LO has grown up, you wonder if you'd have had the capacity at this point if you had two about that age, if you see what I mean?

I have a sibling who I am quite close to, more so when the chips are down than on a day to day level. I do feel guilty thinking that our LO might not have that shared experience with someone - tough things in my childhood felt easier because I shared those experiences with my sibling. I also think my feelings are complicated by the loss of my parents about 2 years before I had the baby- a lot of this process is bringing up grief in a difficult way and I don't know if I can do that side of it again, it's too sad.

There'll be a few posters along who will tell you it's cruel or selfish to not give your child a sibling.
Nothing is that black and white though.

We have an almost 4 year old and we've been quite set on only having one since she was born, being honest. She has been a very easy child so far. Slept well from newborn, very calm and well behaved. I had alot of issues with breastfeeding but I stuck at it until my DD turned 3.
I can just see another being the terrible sleeper, horrible pregnancy etc.

My mental health can be fragile and I genuinely don't think I'd cope with two children very well. I didn't enjoy pregnancy, and I didn't enjoy the newborn stage. My DH is more than happy not having any more either.

My DH and I aren't "natural parents" in the sense that we like our own space and we like spending time on hobbies and interests. Another would just spoil future plans for us.
He collects cars and drives them on race tracks. I'm currently training for a pilot's license.
For context !

I guess my point is, how many children you have has to be the right decision for you. It's a very personal one.

Thanks for your reply! It sounds like you made a really sensible decision that fits you well :)

I hope I can work it out- I think life would be "easier" with one (in terms of time to ourselves/as a couple) but I do look at families with older kids and think it must be nice to have watched them grow together. But like you, I do worry about my mental health coping if I was to do it again (unless I had a unicorn baby, which was not the case this time round, though LO is lovely and smiley and happy going to other people which I know I am lucky for!)

I worry I guess about making a decision that is more straightforward in the short term, but regretting it when we come out the other side of this age and wish I'd just gone for it and hoped for the best. I guess there is never going to be a path that has zero regret!

I didn't have my second until my eldest was 3.5 i probably felt readyish from them being about 2.5. The age gap was perfect for me.

You see all sorts of age gaps at school. And i think its really ok to not have a master plan. You can have two siblings really close in age who don't get along. There is no perfect formula.

You might feel ready at a certain point, you might never. I think thats ok.

My best friend has an only one and she is confident and socially adjusted. Hugely popular. They only ever wanted one.

Its really ok to consider your own needs and how you can cope. Sometimes its chaos and everyone is crying or ill at the same time. But its not all the time. And phases pass quickly. You just need a dark sense of humour!

I only had one. He's 15 now and I've never regretted it for a second, especially with the way costs have gone up for everything.

I'm a perfectly happy only child myself despite going through a lot of trauma as a kid (my dad was a drug user and in prison a lot) so the whole sibling thing never worried me. I'm quite glad that no one else was there to deal with what I did as a kid! DS is happy as an only too.

Thanks for your replies!

Yes I do wonder if it's just too soon to decide and that's why I'm flipping back and forth. On a hard day I tell myself "you never have to do this stage again", but on the good days (or when LO is asleep/in nursery haha) I think ooh yes, I could do this again. Maybe I just need to wait it out and see what happens! I'm not very good at that haha, I am a planner (probably why I've found motherhood so tough...)

And thank you for the alternative view point on siblings in tough times- obviously I hope my LO has a great childhood but with things you can't control like death or financial problems, I think it's interesting to see it through a different lens. I am also aware that I could have had a crappy sibling who was a hinderance not a help.

I do worry as we get older too, I am worried about a second having complex needs and what that would mean for LO we have now. It's so difficult!

I have two and have always wanted two. Life doesn't change much going from one to two. The biggest jump is to being carefree to being responsible for little humans. You will have to arrange a baby sitter for one or two anyway. If it's for things like being invited to two different birthday parties, if you have a supportive DH, you still could get them to two places at the same time between the two of you. Even better if you have family support.

There is an increase in cost for sure. You have one more mouth to feed, one more child to clothe, one more plane ticket to buy. You also need a bigger house for two children.

I think the question really is for you and DH to think if you want two children. And if you can afford two.

By the way, my two gets on really well and it's lovely to see them having each other on holidays.

Ooh thanks for your reply- interesting to hear from someone with 2 as well. I have heard before that 0-1 is harder than 1-2, but I worry that the family support we get won't extend that far- currently we have a grandparent around that happily has LO overnight when possible if we need a break or have something planned, and is just brilliant with them. I don't know that realistically they'd be able to offer that if we had a second, which would mean no nights alone for us I guess.

I feel guilty that that might be a reason I don't have another, and also worry that once LO is say mid-teens and fending for themselves of an evening, I'll wish I'd had a second if you see what I mean, as the time they are so dependent is relatively short?

Love to hear that yours get on so well too though, I think that must be so lovely and rewarding for you!

I found the transition from 0 to 1 very difficult, and we decided to have number 2 quickly to be done with the nappies etc. Baby 2 is now a few months old and even though I was dreading having two children it turned out to be fine (so far, haha). You’re already not on your own so another child added to the mix made little impact on our lives. Child 1 is already entertaining our baby so you could say it even became easier :)
But of course, every child is different so you never know what you will get upfront.

Currently pregnant with my second, my toddler is 2.5 years.

I always wanted two but after I had DS, I was done with one and didn’t want anymore. I was exhausted and didn’t think I could manage another child, as DS was hard work and still is a terrible sleeper. Shortly before he turned 2, I changed my mind and felt ready for another.

So it could very well be a case of not right now rather than never. Babies are life changing so that’s not an unreasonable approach to take.

Equally, if you feel done with one, then that’s completely fine too. Many people I know thought they wanted 2 or 3 but after the first, didn’t want anymore.

I have one 12 year old dd. Whilst the decision to have another was taken out of my hands (infertility), if I had my time again I'd still have one. Dd is an absolute joy and parenting her has been wonderful. We are so close, it's a special bond that I'm not sure you'd have with more than one. She has a brilliant life (we all do actually). She does a competitive sport that we've been able to support (5 times per week training). Shes sociable, smart, kind and funny. She has a great group of friends and same age cousins which really helps. She has a very busy social life.

She has said many times she loves being an only. Some of her friends have said they'd like to be an only- both friends have younger brothers. Her friends tend to hang out at our house as it's not dictated by siblings.

In terms of dh and I. We've continued with our careers and I was able to get to the top of mine. I now work flexibly and TTO. We've enough money for 5 holidays a year, are mortgage free and have lots of free time together. Its easy to get 1 minded and now she's at an age where sleepovers with friends happen we also get another free night at least once a month.

Overall having one has been a positive experience. I look at friends with two and never feel jealousy, quite the opposite actually!

Do what is right for you. Don't do it because you think your child needs a sibling. I've seen this played out and the kids don't get on.

Oh wow some more really interesting answers!

Yes I do think I should be thinking - not now but not necessarily never, rather than feeling I have to decide right now. I think I have some feelings of being "less than" for not really thriving in motherhood (yet...?). Someone in my NCT said they are about to start trying for number 2 and I just can't comprehend - I know she's struggled so I can't work out how you can struggle but also be ready to do it again? Does that make sense?

Your lifestyle sounds fantastic @felisha54 and that's exactly where I'd like us to be in 8-10 years. The financial security aspect feels huge to me, as well as the independence I could potentially maintain. I do sometimes wonder if I'd feel differently if my child was the opposite gender, as I'd imagined having that gender when I daydreamed. But I'm annoyed at myself for that as it's stupidly gendered and I love the child that I have.

We decided to have 2 because we didn't want DD1 to be in the world by herself when we leave it. They're fantastic with each other, hang out together at playtime, entertain each other so I can do housework and lounge and of course they fill our lives with love and happiness. Could not imagine life without them and the bond they have is so beautiful to see.

Would never change my second but 1 is 1 and 2 is 100

See I'm sitting here this Eve anxious cause LO has a cold that means not wanting a proper tea, and that might mean a bad night. So then I am like why would I do this again? But then do I let my anxiety "win"? Urgh!

Love the quote 1 is 1 but 2 is 100!

There's 3 years 2 months between my two. I wasn't even ready to think about another until my first was nearer 2, for all the same reasons you've said. Plus I'm an only child, and I'm happy, so didnt have any concerns about her being an only.

It was my DH who was more keen on having two and I was convinced. Personally I'm so glad I did. The family dynamic has changed for the better, I don't have enough time to stress to much about either of them and weirdly I feel calmer, if even more tired and busy. My youngest was an easier baby which helped but she's a batshit toddler now. The relationship between them is one of the great joys of my life now.

I'm glad I did it. But whatever you decide will be great. You don't say how old you are, but unless you're already in your 40s you don't need to make any ultimate decisions yet. Just see how you feel in a while. A 2 year old is a lot easier than a 1 year old. And a 3 year old is even easier.

Oh I also forgot to mention that the second time is so much easier on you psychologicallyas you've already transitioned to being a mum. There's no pining for the life you had and wondering what the hell you've done. That makes it 1,000 times easier.

Having two children may mean more chaos, but it also means double the love, double the laughter, and double the joy. Plus, now I have twice the chance of at least one of them becoming a millionaire and supporting me in my old age.

Are we poorer? Sure. Is it that bit more hectic? Yes, it's a madhouse with two little ones running around. Do I regret it? No. The love and joy they bring to my life is indescribable. And the fact that they have each other to play with and grow up alongside fills me with happiness. I can't imagine only one of them running down the stairs on Christmas day to open their gifts. I wouldn't have a 3rd but I'm so very glad we took the risk and had number 2. We are for sure poorer though 🤣😭 #sendhelp

I think the main issue here is your LO is not even one yet and it's just too soon for you. Park it and think about it again with your DH when LO is 18 months old for example.

I have two and I've found life 'calmed down' and felt settled around 18-20 months after each one. There's no way I would have been ready to be discussing more babies earlier than that. I have a 3.5 yr gap between my two and we are currently debating a third which will likely have a similar gap again all being well.

I have two - they're currently 3.5 and 16 months, so they're 2 years and 4 months apart.

Just in the last couple of months, since DC2 started walking and went down to one big midday nap, the grandparents have started having them both - not overnight yet but for full days. They were apprehensive about having both the first time, but it was a lot easier than they thought. DC1 is calmer and happier with DC2 around (which is so lovely to see).

There's no right or wrong answer to your question but I absolutely love having two. It's a bit chaotic, but they're so funny together and it's just indescribably nice seeing them play together. My mum just sent me some pictures of the bigger one pushing the little one on the swing and it makes my heart sing honestly.

Financially, DC2 has been easier on us than DC1 was because we kept all the baby kit. DC2 has only ever worn hand me downs and gifts. It does help that we have two the same sex and I know this won't last once they're in school, but it did help in the lean maternity leave months.

All that said, I had a pregnancy scare when DC1 was 10 months and I was absolutely appalled at the idea of being pregnant again. 8 months later, after I'd stopped breastfeeding and the toddler was sleeping through the night reliably, it all seemed very appealing again.

Financially we could have the capacity for day to day life yes but it would be less days out and holidays not as nice. It's the added cost of 2 that would change all that like dinner monies, 2 lots of everything for school, 2 school trips potentially a bigger car for more suitcases when we travel. I don't know, I'm an overthinker so the smallest thing comes into consideration for me.

I know what you're saying about being in your 50s but I'm a live for now person, within reason, I don't wanna wait till then to do all the stuff we want to do.

I know what your saying about sisterly support but what you don't have you don't miss. I'm an only child and my parents were abusive and it was scary as a kid and I'm grateful they didn't have another, to subject all that to!

Don't rush your decision.

Thanks for the helpful replies! It's so interesting to hear other perspectives on this (my friends are very "you do you" but the older gen in our families are like "when are you giving them a sibling??" So the usual stuff!

Tricky day with LO today so am struggling again to know how people manage it. If I'm honest I think I have had/do have some PNA relating to loss of autonomy and certainty which I worry would be every more strongly felt with a second. Was chatting to DH earlier and discussing how we want to make sure we retire at a good time (having experienced loss of a parent within months of a much anticipated retirement) and how we want to live our lives generally. It's so hard!