Having a second child

[whyyy321]

I'm not sure if this is going to make sense, but am interested in peoples experiences!

I have an almost 1 year old and am beginning to tie myself in knots about whether I want to have a second one in the next 2 years or so. I had a fine pregnancy - baby came a little early but nothing dramatic. I did stay in hospital with the baby for about a week which I hated and I do think impacted my first few months of motherhood and didn't help at all the struggles I had with breastfeeding (stress, conflicting advice, lack of skin-on-skin time because of jaundice & being under the lamps). I have definitely struggled with becoming a mum- things have felt better since going back to work (just in terms of feeling like myself again) and better again as sleep has improved (touch wood!). Sleep was awful for the first 11 months I'd say, and I am only just realising the impact that had on my mental health. I've still struggled e.g., with illnesses and juggling time off work etc., and am definitely prone to worry/panic or feeling very overstimulated. I have been low at times but never to the point of needing help.

I'm beginning to wonder if I want a second. I always wanted 2, but it's not been easy for us and I am wondering if I should put myself through it again (DH also not sure, for similar reasons - he has struggled with adjustment and losing time for himself). We are about to move which will make life considerably easier (currently very far from any family support). However, I am aware that things like the occasional weekend away we have managed or odd mornings to ourselves will become less likely with a second and I am not sure how that'll affect me. Obviously no guarentees in life that we'd even get pregnant, but we'd not want to wait more than 3 years at a push due to our ages (so our LO would be about 3.5 years max). When I have plenty of space and support I can imagine a second, but when it's just the three of us and someone is ill or sleep is horrific, I am petrified!

Sorry long and waffly, but basically I am wondering- if you stopped at 1 for similar reasons, did you find that once your 1 was primary/older, you wished you'd gone for it and pushed through the chaotic baby days a second time, or have you remained happy with your choice? If you had a second, did you get to a point where you felt OK to handle it again?

I went from 1 to 3 and would have more tomorrow if I could. No loss to my career - yes sleep and money and time is in short supply but they are a joy and hard work in equal measures. I'm actually one of those that will admit I do think it's selfish to be deliberately one and done solely because someone wants to prioritise holidays and sleep or watching a box set and so on (don't shoot me I'm allowed an opinion 😂) realistically the whole "I want to give all my attention to one child" only flys in the early years - once they are at school and have their own hobbies and friends and independence they don't want a playmate in their parents?

But it really depends on what you value in life and what you believe enriches it. A few holidays where the memories fade quicker than the tan and the photos are just taking up space in your iCloud and never looked at again or wanting 12 hours uninterrupted sleep or "me time" isn't for me.

Also have to say My ex husband is an only child and he has all the stereotypical negative personality traits. And also contributed to me wanting to have more than one child

(There is also a thread running at the moment from a disgruntled sister who has 3 kids complaining about her sister with an only who hijacks all their holidays and days out to keep their child happy and occupied)

We started out planning to have just one, and we ended up having a second with a 3.5 year age gap, which has worked out well. DC1 was in nursery when DC2 was born, and started school shortly afterwards, so it was nice to have a proper baby experience with DC2 and lots of classes and bonding time. I don't deal with them both on my own very often due to DC1 being in school (and often using holiday clubs), and DH being around all weekend. Personally I wouldn't have chosen to have a second if I had to do lots of solo parenting - it stresses me out and I'm a worse parent for it.

For us it's not really true that a second hasn't made much impact on our family life - were the kind of family who would be very focused on DC1 and now we can't be, we have to tag team and sometimes leave DC1 to her devices a bit. I feel bad about that sometimes as I miss spending as much focused time with her, or playing games with all three of us, but we probably still interact more with the dc than most families tbh. She likes us to be her playmate even as a school-aged child, and we enjoy that interaction rather than feeling it's a dull burden.

Financially it's had no impact but we're a high income family with high assets - it was an increase in assets which allowed us to buy a bigger house which partly prompted having a second, it just seemed absurdly empty and big for a family of 3. I have to admit I did want the picture-perfect stereotype of 2 siblings too, and I love our family photos of the dcs together or the 4 of us. It just feels more like a "proper" family - my personal history is very unconventional, so having ended up married with 2 dc in a big house is constantly surprising to me.

Thanks for some more interesting takes on this!

I do worry I am selfish for potentially only having one- like I said, I've valued my sibling a lot. I think this is what particularly prompted my question- I worry that I'll regret not having a second when LO is older and needs me less, that I'll see that it wasn't forever this level of hard and maybe I should have pushed myself to manage a second (short term pain long term gain style). That being said I don't want to be a poorer mother if my MH suffers more from going for a second.

DH has a sibling but with a large age gap, so he is less convinced on the company in childhood angle.

Hey whyyy321,
I wondered if you'd had any more thoughts on this? I am in a similar boat, really struggling with the decision as to whether to try for another or not. I had a very tricky pregnancy (hyperemesis) followed by a difficult birth with a lovely son who didn't eat or sleep properly until he was two due to difficulty with illness. He's luckily now recovered but i'm exhausted from the last few years but feel a real pressure to have another (i'm 37) even though i'm not fully sure I want to put myself through it again... but I worry I will regret it if I don't.
I hope you are feeling OK whatever you have decided to do!

I would give yourself another year OP. You might feel completely differently then. Maybe you will feel broody or maybe you will decide you are one and done. Having a not yet one year old you are still very much post partum in my book. If you are still breastfeeding you might not feel like sex even! In a year LO may be sleeping through the night and/ or at nursery and you might feel different.

Some of my NCT group got pregnant again really soon to get it over with but and I felt very much "not for me". Just feeling ready now and we are TTC no 2 and will have a 3.5 or 4 year gap (or more) which means I've had time to recover from a tricky pregnancy and birth. I've had loads of time with DS and we've been able to carve out time as a couple/ by ourselves. In some ways it's almost tempting to stop at one but I just have the biological urge!!

Hey @southeastsouthwest! I'm not far off you in age so can really relate. DS is now almost 18m but I'm not really much closer to knowing what the "right" thing to do is. I'm enjoying this age a lot (though it's exhausting!). We've also recently moved closer to family so now DH and I get a date night every week (first year of his life we had maybe the equivalent of 3/4 days to ourselves as we didn't live near anyone who could have him without us being present too). This has in some ways made me think "yes! Another!" As I am just starting to feel like I can catch my breath again, but I know that having a second would really take us back to zero personal/alone time again. DH and I are just finding our relationship again too.

I'm really torn. I feel so sad thinking he may not have a sibling because of my struggles with becoming a parent. I'm worried too as he might not get cousins on DH side and any on my side would live on the other side of the country. I worry about the idea of him having no close family after me and DH die. DH is leaning towards one and done because he's also found it tough, but on my lower/more anxious days I often blame myself thinking if I'd just been stronger in that first year, DH wouldn't have found it so hard and would be keen for another. If I could have one come out at 18m I'd be more keen, I struggled with the newborn bit a lot and as much as I'd love another try at making bf work I'm worried I'd be even more gutted if it didn't. I definitely think I had (have?) PPA as the last few weeks I've made a massive effort on this front and it feels really different when we are all 3 together now (in a good way).

My heart says yes but my head is really not sure! We are supposed to be shelving it till autumn (job reasons) but I think about it every day. DS is so funny and brilliant that I'd love to make another one like him, but the idea of doubling things that make me anxious (sleep, nursery bugs, developmental milestones) is scary and I'm not sure how well we'd cope.

I have two- nearly stuck at one. Losing both parents really reinforced how lonely I’d have felt without a sibling, even with great husband and in-laws. It still isn’t the same.

I have approx 3 years between mine and they get on so well. They do squabble sometimes but generally are such great friends. If we go to the park they’re off after each other, they play in the garden together, watch films on the sofa with snacks, etc.
Yes- additional nursery fees but it’s short term pain for a long term gain for us.

I have 2 op. Def more juggling in two. They much older now. Nearly a 4yr gap. Found 2 my limit though.!

Stick to your plan of parking and revisiting it in autumn. If that's your plan there is no use in agonising over it now, enjoy your life as it is now and look at it again then.

There's about 3.5yrs between DC1 and DC2, and I'm very early pregnant with DC3 which if all goes to plan there will be 3yrs between them and DC2. Sometimes I wish I'd had them all closer together for various reasons but then like you I just wanted to actually enjoy some of that settled time between kids and I think that's perfectly valid! And lots of positives to these age gaps too (and indeed larger ones too). You don't need to make a decision any time soon.

I have quite a bit gap between my two, because like you I just couldn’t decide and didn’t have an overwhelming urge for a second child like lots of women seem to do.

In the end, we decided to go for it because a) I knew DH would’ve absolutely adored a daughter b) I felt terrible guilt everyday about my son being the only child in his class without a sibling and c) I felt awful about him possibly being alone when we’re older/quiet christmases and holidays

That being said, I don’t think there’s anything wrong at all with sticking with one, I think there are a huge number of benefits. I think my mum-guilt from not enjoying the first months/years of his life manifested into guilt over not giving him a sibling, if that makes sense.

Anyway, DC2 (A girl!) arrived last year and it’s been wonderful. DS says he can’t imagine not having a little sister now and they have the most lovely little friendship. The early days felt very different even though both babies had similar temperaments, in fact DD doesn’t sleep as well as DS did but it still feels easier, I guess because we’re already used to parenthood.

Perhaps those who are unsure could leave it up to the universe, I told myself if I wasn’t pregnant by Christmas 2022 we’d stop trying and make peace with one. I got pregnant in the October, so that was that.

Good luck whatever you decide.

I have two, 2.5 years apart. They're almost 4 and 1 now and more often than not, I'm now very glad we had a second. I found going from 0-1 incredibly hard, not helped at all that she was born right as we went into the first lockdown. I genuinely thought I was going insane.
But when I went back to work things improved massively and we decided to reconsider and then just go for it. Admittedly the first thing I said when I saw my positive pregnancy test was 'shit'. But I came round to the news before I told DH that night.
The transition from 1-2 is just so much easier. And once again, for me, going back to work really does me the world of good as I'm just not really built for the sahp life.
There are still days it's a bit hard and I can't help but think I wish we'd stuck with one, but really my little one is just getting to the point where they can so almost play properly but not quite there yet and my big one finds that frustrating and whilst this is challenging, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Soon they will be able to actually play together and keep each other entertained and in theory, life should get a lot easier from there.

I didn’t find this. It absolutely makes life a bit more complicated but for me 1-2 was easier than 0-1. It does mean I get no downtime at the moment but that will come.

I had a second child because I wanted a second child though: I didn’t do anything for the first one. By that, I mean I didn’t have DD to give DS a sibling. They do seem to adore one another at the moment, which is lovely, despite MN claiming I am no better than an adulteress!

What did you decide OP? I'm late thirties and in the same predicament!

I've always got this in the back of my mind too! My wee one is 8 months and she has been a dream as a first baby ... but my husband and I are both that bit older, he has long term health issues and we have no family support nearby. My head is telling me no more babies but I'd love another one and don't have time to delay it. Will I look back in years to come and be content with not having another? Such a difficult decision.

Ah lovely when you get a reminder of an old thread!

Honestly I'm no closer to a decision really. We said just this week if we could pop one out at 2 we'd probably do it, but I just don't know if I can face the risks of another tricky birth and postpartum period again, as this time DS would remember it (he's now 2). I try and imagine actually going for it and I just can't get excited to commit another however long to trying, then being pregnant and then the awful first year of sleep and weaning, and nursery bugs when they start etc. I'm almost 37 and my personal cut off is 39 so it's not totally off the cards but time is definitely ticking.

I have realised though that I am more traumatised by birth and postpartum than I realised and have been having trauma therapy for this, maybe that'll change things- either to confidence to go for a second or two acceptance that that isn't the path for us. I know we'd struggle possibly beyond the point of our marriage surviving if we had a child with higher needs than DS, as it nearly broke us having him (and he touchwood is healthy and developing as expected).

What is on your mind, teacher bee?

I have a nearly 8 year old. We made the decision before she was 1 that she was going to be an only child.
I didn't feel the need for more kids and I was happy giving her my full attention.
That said other factors came into it like childcare costs (I know a lot better these days) and lack of assistance from family etc.
Also, selfishly we thought about the future. We knew we wanted good holidays with our daughter, and great experiences for her and for us. We like to go out and have a nice time too. Also thinking about them when they are older, driving lessons, car, deposit for house, uni fees etc and then there is retirement to consider!
Having more than one child would make all that harder. Your relationship is important as a couple too and you need to consider what's more important to you.
I'm content with our decision.
Same here, ours is 8, she's very good at playing by herself thankfully but we do try and do regular play dates. She has our full attention, doesn't have to share us and we don't have to break up arguments etc, we regularly do one on one time, my husband will take her out on the bikes or to a big play area and i get down time or i'll take her out to something he's not interested in and he gets his time.
It's gotten easier and easier and i absolutely love being her mum.

An old thread I know, but really interested to hear what you decided to do OP!

Ooh hello! Well, we went for it and had a second baby - who is now 7 months old. When dc1 got to about 2 years and a few months we spent Christmas with family who all have two kids and it shifted something for us so we agreed to stop using protection to see what happened and I was pregnant within 6 weeks.

It's been hard but I'm definitely not as low or anxious as last time, as this time I know it will change and the harder bits won't last. Seeing the two kids enjoy each other has also been so rewarding. Biggest challenge this time is finding time for ourselves and the arguments that stem from that, we definitely fight a lot at the moment but we are in the trenches (7m and 3.5 year old) so I'm trying not to stress about it or assume it's a long term thing. We are just about managing.solo bedtimes now so can give each other an evening off each week which helps.

Overall I'm glad I did it, I think it's been positive for dc1 who is very caring towards dc2 and in a way it's made me a less anxious mum to dc1 too (though I am struggling with post partum rage this time which seems to come from the extra overstimulation of two children)