Feeling complete indifference following DM’s death

[climbthatwallseeger]

I hope this is not upsetting for anyone. Have NC’d.

DM died a couple of weeks ago. We were not close at all. By her own admission, she should not have had me as I was unplanned and she was already struggling with 3 DC and my violent, abusive dad. Growing up, DM took virtually no interest in me whatsoever. She would have struggled to tell you basic facts about me such as the name of the school I attended (Dsis sorted out my schooling). I left home at 18 to attend university and for the next 20+ years we barely saw each other. I remember one Christmas when I did return home when I was at Uni. I caught an infection and spent Christmas Day in bed. In the evening I crawled downstairs to get something to eat (no-one brought me anything) and I fell down the stairs. I remember looking up and seeing DM sitting in the front room, looking at me impassively and sipping her tea. I don’t think she had a maternal bone in her body.

Anyway I made peace with the whole situation years ago and truly held no grudge against her. The one time I did feel resentful was when she denied the existence of my DD to a friend (my friend congratulated her on becoming a grandmother and DM said she had no idea what she was talking about. She was embarrassed because I was an unmarried mother). She did not see her DGC - her choice.

Now she has died I don’t feel sad at all which is what I expected. However I feel bad as I’ve received masses of condolences from friends, colleagues etc and so feel I have to pretend I’m upset? Work have told me to take all the time I need, I would have been fine going back a few days after she died but worried it would look callous so I’m taking longer.

My siblings are not grief stricken either. We are run ragged organising the funeral (DF is as awful as usual and not helping) and are determined to give her the send of she wanted but to hear us chat you’d never guess we’ve lost a parent.

I’m not sure what I’m asking. When people offer condolences I’m not sure what to say/do so I’m just nodding and trying to paint on a sorrowful expression. Lots of people have said “you must be devastated” and I feel the complete opposite. Has anyone else been in this position? Sorry for the essay.

Hi OP, that's really difficult. I guess you could just nod and smile politely. People don't need to know the ins and outs of your relationship. You don't have to feel a certain way. Everyone processes emotions differently. I lost my dad 5 weeks ago today and even though I had quite a strained relationship with him growing up I am completely devastated.

When my mother died I told people that I felt nothing but relief. They were often a bit awkward at my response but I would just change the subject and ask them about their own lives to move the conversation along. People don’t really know what to say to someone who’s bereaved, other than the stock ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ comment. So if you don’t feel sad about it then they don’t know how to deal with it. A breezy ‘I’m just glad she’s gone. Anyway, what have you been up to?’ usually did the business.

Your feelings are completely understandable, and it's good that you have your siblings around you who obviously feel the same .If people offer condolences, just thank them and move the chat along . You may find it will hit you later . I believe that people with unhappy marriages mourn as much as the happily married because they are grieving the marriage they wish they had . So you may feel the same about your relationship with your M down the line . So actually you deserve those condolences just as much .

My dad left when I was little, didn’t look back. Then spent a large part of my 20s telling people I knew he was a great father to his other children and it was my and mother’s fault he was not a great father to me. He died and I honestly felt nothing. I felt bad for years that perhaps there was something wrong in me that I didn’t feel sad that he died. It was years later it occurred to me if he wanted me to sorry for his passing he should have been the father that a child deserves. Simple. I carry no guilt now and I see him as an insignificant person who died. Given what you’ve said your mother falls into that category. I hope you can be kind to yourself now and look forward without having a negative force in your life.

The thing is, I’m not glad she’s gone in the sense that when she was alive it made no difference to me. I suppose it is a relief as she had quite a long, drawn out illness and I’m genuinely glad she’s no longer suffering so I have said “I’m glad she’s at peace now” to a few people and at least that’s true. Dsis is putting on an amazing act of bereavement, probably helped by the fact she is actually a trained actor, whilst admitting to me and DB that she is also glad it’s all over and she she no longer has to deal with toxic DM.

Societal expectations of colleagues and family are being loaded and burdened onto you, without any understanding of the awful experiences you had as a child and growing up.

don't whatever you do feel bad or callous just because people make a false assumption that you must be broken hearted because she's your mother, the person who did those terrible things to you. don't feel forced into betraying your own self worth and values by thinking you have to weep and wear sackcloth and ashes. You don't. It does not make you a bad person, being true to yourself and your lived experiences. The woman who gave birth to you massively let you down.

Unless someone knew you intimately they couldn't really ask if you're upset by it/glad she's gone! They have to express sorrow for the situation and hope that was the right thing to say.

But yes, it's very difficult when you feel utterly unmoved by the death and then have to say the 'right' thing in response to condolences. It certainly made me feel somewhere between a fraud and a bitch. The reality is we only feel sad and grief-stricken over people with whom we had a loving relationship. You didn't ever get that with your mother so your feelings (or lack thereof) are a natural consequence of that lack of love. Go easy on yourself.

Thank you. I have felt flashes of guilt and as if there is something wrong with me but then I remember the type of parent she was. I’m sorry you went through all of that with your dad.

Now I have DC of my own I find the behaviour of neglectful/abusive parents incomprehensible.

The expression "it's a difficult time" covers a multitude as people generally understand the situation and don't expect much else in my experience. (She's bearing up well tends to be what's said if you're not actually falling apart at the seams).

I was estranged from my mother when she died. I think I had already grieved for the mum I wanted and did not have so I did not feel the loss as keenly as others. I genuinely felt no grief. No sense of distress.

I imparted the information to dh as casually as telling him what the weather was. He asked if I was ok, gave me a hug and we carried on with our evening.

Other people struggled more with my reaction to her death than I did to the news. Apparently I should have been grief stricken, inconsolable etc. I just carried on as normal. To be fair, I did the same when dad died a little over a year later. And work put me on 2 weeks of desk/non-public facing work....

While our responses might not seem natural or right to the expected grief process, they are right for us and our own experience of those people.

My mother died in 2014. From that day to this, I do not feel an ounce of sadness about it. She was an emotionally absent mother and fucked off with another woman when I was 17, so it got even worse.
I felt sorry for her before she died because she ended up with motor neurone disease and she took 5 years to get to the end.
I even asked a counsellor if it was normal to feel glad that someone had died and not because of the disease but because if the person they were. And was reassured that it was normal.

I think @AgnesX's response is a good one. It shuts it down and you don't have to say anything further.
You have my sympathy, not 'for your loss', but that it's making your life difficult just now.

I think grief is so complicated that there is no right or wrong way to feel. I was incredibly close to my mother and heartbroken when she died but I've coped very well with her loss. There's times I feel guilty for coping as well as i have and feel I should be in pieces but I have so many people relying on me i have to keep going. You may find how you feel changes over time or maybe it won't. I know lots of people who initially felt numb, or indifferent or just completely overwhelmed and all of it is normal.

Maybe just say something like: "That's very kind, but we weren't close at all" and change subject. They are expressing kindness for you, not her, so you can be honest about it.

Mine died last year. I didn’t care. Like, wouldn’t wish her dead but no emotions that she is. With colleagues don’t know, I didn’t need / take time off. I don’t think it’s that unusual tbh. I mentioned it in passing to a group of “mum friends” rather than close and it was embarrassing, getting sympathy I didn’t need and worrying I looked cold. My close friends were great, cos they got it.

There's nothing wrong with you. You deserve those condolences. I don't imagine many people gave you condolences when you had to process and grieve the fact that your mother chose to emotionally neglect you. (I'm guessing you feel very little because you have already grieved?)

So you're just getting them late (and for kind of the wrong reason!), that's all. Please don't feel guilty. Why shouldn't you get the same amount of time off work as people with nice mothers who die?

Complete indifference sounds like an appropriate response to what happened to you. However, do be prepared that this might change and you might experience all sorts of other feelings even much further down the line including anger about how you were treated.

Just say thank you for condolences and get on with it. Bystanders mostly just go through the motions anyway, so I doubt people will actually notice your lack of grief.
I believe I will be in a similar position when my father dies.

Op I’m sorry you had such an unhappy relationship with your parents, you deserved better.

My parents are alive but I do wonder if I’ll feel the same as you. I wouldn’t say my parents were abusive, maybe indifferent and disinterested towards me (but not towards my male siblings) would describe how they felt about me.

People with happy family relationships don’t understand so it’s not something I talk about. I didn’t invite one of my parents to my wedding and had to spend months justifying my decision to people and I did wonder if something was wrong with me for not feeling an attachment to them or any desire to have them at the most important day of my life. It took years to shake that feeling that I was the problem.

i think you’ve already realised that it’s easier to act like you’re grieving than to feel like you’re grieving and that most people won’t understand. So unfortunately you have to continue as you are. The only positive is that it sounds like you have siblings you can be honest with, sometimes the ‘favoured’ siblings have a different memory of childhood.

You feel how you feel when someone dies. I was very close to my lovely mum, but when she died of old age I didn't cry and never have been upset. It was her time. My friends said to me 'oh it's shock, you'll be hit by grief later' but I'm not. It's ok.

Yes, I didn’t care when my father died and nor did my brother. He was a complex man who also was physically abusive for all of my early childhood until I was about 12, a gaslighter, very angry etc. we had almost no relationship from my late teens. He would call me once a year or so. He declined to walk me down the aisle at my wedding as he said he didn’t want to be the centre of attention (!) which saved me the bother of telling him I had no interest in him doing so. My older sister didn’t like him either but was a bit upset one day after he died - I remember phoning my brother and saying “I think she might be upset” in an incredulous voice and him saying “Why?!” Totally shocked.
anyway people said “oh you will feel it when it sinks in” but I knew I would never care and I never have, 15 years later.
you don’t need to explain yourself to anyone and you don’t need to feel guilty. It isn’t children’s responsibility to love their parents, it is parents responsibility to earn their children’s love. If she didn’t earn yours that on her not you.

What irritates me is people say these things assuming everyone has happy families just like them. ‘You must feel…’ how would you know how I feel?! I’m anticipating feeling the same as you when the time comes, the grieving has already been done.

OP I just wanted to say you sound a lovely sensible and well rounded person despite such inadequate parenting. You should be proud of that.

I totally get it x

I totally forgot to add:
I was lucky that I did have a good relationship with my mum (admittedly challenging towards the end of her life).
But, her life was pretty miserable towards the end, so I also said that I was relieved that she was gone (for different reasons admittedly).
I guess what I'm saying is I t's a very neutral thing to say.