Feeling complete indifference following DM’s death

[climbthatwallseeger]

I hope this is not upsetting for anyone. Have NC’d.

DM died a couple of weeks ago. We were not close at all. By her own admission, she should not have had me as I was unplanned and she was already struggling with 3 DC and my violent, abusive dad. Growing up, DM took virtually no interest in me whatsoever. She would have struggled to tell you basic facts about me such as the name of the school I attended (Dsis sorted out my schooling). I left home at 18 to attend university and for the next 20+ years we barely saw each other. I remember one Christmas when I did return home when I was at Uni. I caught an infection and spent Christmas Day in bed. In the evening I crawled downstairs to get something to eat (no-one brought me anything) and I fell down the stairs. I remember looking up and seeing DM sitting in the front room, looking at me impassively and sipping her tea. I don’t think she had a maternal bone in her body.

Anyway I made peace with the whole situation years ago and truly held no grudge against her. The one time I did feel resentful was when she denied the existence of my DD to a friend (my friend congratulated her on becoming a grandmother and DM said she had no idea what she was talking about. She was embarrassed because I was an unmarried mother). She did not see her DGC - her choice.

Now she has died I don’t feel sad at all which is what I expected. However I feel bad as I’ve received masses of condolences from friends, colleagues etc and so feel I have to pretend I’m upset? Work have told me to take all the time I need, I would have been fine going back a few days after she died but worried it would look callous so I’m taking longer.

My siblings are not grief stricken either. We are run ragged organising the funeral (DF is as awful as usual and not helping) and are determined to give her the send of she wanted but to hear us chat you’d never guess we’ve lost a parent.

I’m not sure what I’m asking. When people offer condolences I’m not sure what to say/do so I’m just nodding and trying to paint on a sorrowful expression. Lots of people have said “you must be devastated” and I feel the complete opposite. Has anyone else been in this position? Sorry for the essay.

I had a similar experience when my father died. I just spoke of him having a peaceful death and that I was grateful for that, which I was. He had cancer but just slipped away one day unexpectedly. One of my aunts commented it was the first unselfish thing he’d done in his life, which was true but that wasn’t something to broadcast publicly.

People told me it would hit me later but it never has, 20 years later.

I was just discussing with a friend recently how so many people try to tell you how to feel instead of asking and listening. I’ve probably been guilty of it in the past, but I’m determined never to do it again.

When our emotionally abusive narcissist mother died, my sister and I felt no grief at all, only relief. Ditto with our violent father a couple of years later.
The funeral director asked my sister what she would like done with the ashes, and she replied to chuck them along the nearest roadside. He paused for a minute, then said quietly “I understand.”
I’m sure he’d had plenty of other bereaved clients with horrible parents - you’re definitely not alone, OP. Don’t feel guilty, just accept your feelings (or lack of them) as perfectly appropriate. You need not act a part, for the benefit of condolers.

Feel what you feel - be who you are. Go through the motions with other people, even when it feels a bit false - none of it is your fault, but it is easier to just go with the flow.

And on a positive note ..... you now know what good employers you have.

Thank your for your replies. I’m both relieved I’m not alone in feeling like this and saddened some of you have had to deal with the same situation.

@stealthninjamum I do think it’s almost impossible for people from loving families to truly understand. Dsis invited DF to walk her down the aisle at her wedding despite the fact he regularly beat her senseless during her childhood. Her fiance (has lovely parents) couldn't understand why she wouldn't want her dad at the wedding. I told her she wouldn’t have to justify not inviting him and DB would have happily given her away instead but she was worried about what people would think. It is one of her biggest regrets as he ruined the day with his awful antics and was verbally abusive to guests.

@Remaker agree that a lot of people make assumptions and tell you how feel rather than listen. When I’ve attempted to be honest and tell a few people who’ve offered condolences that I’m fine I’ve been informed that no, I’m currently in shock it will hit me when I’m less busy. One of DM's friends grabbed me and said the grief comes in waves and I must be prepared for the fact that I’ll wake up in the night crying or suddenly when I’m out shopping. I know they mean well but I also know that it won’t impact me like that.

@Babdoc I’m glad both toxic parents are out of your life and hope you and your sister subsequently found peace. Now DM has died we are wondering if DF will follow her soon. Knowing our luck he’ll go on for a while though. The devil takes care of his own and all that.

Yesterday I sat down with my siblings and we tried to think of some happy memories we could conjure up to talk about at her funeral. My brother and I didn’t have a single memory between us. My sister had an anecdote about a holiday many years ago. So we are thinking about asking someone else to deliver the eulogy because we just don't have much to say!

Do you even have to have a service? Or ask the celebrant to do the whole thing? Keep it short and simple.

I was lucky enough to have a great relationship with my mum, but I feel like I did my grieving while she was terminally ill - I hardly cried after she died, and haven't really since. I think of her every day though, but I still feel like I'm a bit cold or unfeeling for not being in floods of tears for months afterwards. It's a relief to hear that others have felt similarly. There's no right or wrong way to grieve.