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Original poster

WWYD re funeral flowers/donation

30 replies

ifonly4 · 14/08/2023 13:52

My Uncle passed away recently. My Auntie mentioned they'd arranged funeral flowers, ie from her, two sons and grandchildren. I asked her if it was appropriate to send our own flowers, but she replied stating donations to two charities, then went onto say she we could do what we felt was right (she's elderly, tired, stressed so struggling a bit on smaller details).

Three options:

Donate what we'd have spent on flowers between two charities

Flowers from us and DD

My Mum wants to go in with us, sending one lot of flowers and donations to two charities. If seeing the family, she always comes with us, so I guess we're seen as one group. Guess this is happy compromise, but Mum wants a posey or wreath, whereas I'd much prefer a hand tied bouquet or spray, so we'd have to agree on that.

My Uncle was like a second Dad and very fond of myself and DD, and he had a request that she played some music at his funeral, and I'm down as one their Attorneys if needs be, over one son.

OP posts:
coopy10 · 14/08/2023 13:55

She has already said she's arranged flower and told you the charities to donate too. I don't think she wants additional flowers and would prefer donations?

GettingStuffed · 14/08/2023 13:55

When in-laws passes away (separately by close) we had family flowers only and for everyone else a donation to the charity.

If it's a cremation then, although there is an area for flowers it tends not to be very big

WetBandits · 14/08/2023 13:56

I’d go for the donations as requested by your Auntie. Lots of flowers can be very overwhelming and it can actually be quite upsetting to watch them rot away after the funeral, as well as then having to get rid of the dead flowers a week or so later.

Clefable · 14/08/2023 13:56

Donation, no flowers.

Sarvanga38 · 14/08/2023 13:57

Donation. There will be close family flowers, and your Aunt obviously feels that he (or she) would like to see some good done in his memory.

OhYouSweetSweetFool · 14/08/2023 13:57

Donation.
No flowers.

LadyPenelope68 · 14/08/2023 13:58

Just do the donations to charity as your Aunt has requested, she’s not asked for flowers. We had immediate family flowers only for my Mum’s funeral recently and it really irked me when two of my cousins arranged flowers in a similar scenario to that you’re mentioning. Just send the donation to the two charities.

Blossomtoes · 14/08/2023 13:58

I’d make a donation in this situation. But I absolutely love flowers and have left instructions that all flowers are welcome at my funeral. There can never be too many for me.

calmcoco · 14/08/2023 13:59

Her preference is clear: donations.

Wigglypasta · 14/08/2023 13:59

I am sorry for your loss. I would make a donation only as that is what has been requested. It is quite normal for flowers to come from immediate family only and everyone else to make a donation to the requested charity in memory of your lost loved one.

YallaYallaaa · 14/08/2023 14:00

coopy10 · 14/08/2023 13:55

She has already said she's arranged flower and told you the charities to donate too. I don't think she wants additional flowers and would prefer donations?

Exactly this. Sorry for your loss.

Clefable · 14/08/2023 14:03

My mum died recently and I would have been a bit irritated if someone had tried to arrange flowers tbh. We arranged a spray of flowers from her garden and told people we wanted donations to a specific charity. Any other flowers would have been a bit of an inconvenience for various reasons.

Clefable · 14/08/2023 14:04

(For example a random wreath would have been awful, not in fitting with my mum's funeral or my mum at all!)

Mrsjayy · 14/08/2023 14:04

She doesn't want flowers donate or give on the day of the funeral.

BarbaraV · 14/08/2023 14:06

Donations. She asked for no flowers first so must be what she really wants.

I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

Maryandherlamb · 14/08/2023 14:09

Donations, and I would maybe buy a nice bouquet of flowers for my own home in his memory if I wanted to get flowers.

Crimblecrumble1990 · 14/08/2023 14:16

She said donation. And then probably worried that she offended you and suggested flowers if you want.

I think it's clear that she would prefer donations.

Andthereyougo · 14/08/2023 14:21

Definitely donation. If your aunt has arranged a specific style of flowers, specific colours yours may stick out like a sore thumb. Your aunt will know how much was collected and donated and this can be comforting, knowing someone else has been helped.

LakeTiticaca · 14/08/2023 14:24

We requested no flowers for my relatives funeral. Some did bring flowers, which was fine. It was during lockdown so we're only allowed 30 mourners x

JenniferBarkley · 14/08/2023 14:32

Donation.

If it's your mum's brother and she really wants to give flowers then get something small in your mum's taste, but a donation would be best.

GenieGenealogy · 14/08/2023 14:37

Just donations. When my dad died we said family flowers only and arranged a single display on the top of the coffin from mum, me and my sibling. Before the cremation it was removed and we placed it somewhere meaningful to us as a family.

The crematorium had an envelope as people were leaving for the collection, after the last person had left the staff sealed the envelope and passed it to us. It was then up to us to split between the two charities we'd chosen.

Respect your aunt's wishes and give donations. This is very common these days, the idea of everyone sending their own flowers is definitely a thing of the past.

coreas · 14/08/2023 14:47

Why are you asking about flowers when she has told you no flowers?

You don't have 3 options at all. You have 2.

Donate or don't donate.

UsingChangeofName · 14/08/2023 14:51

You've already asked the family, and already been told 'donations in lieu', so please do that.
Up to you if you just put some money in the collection box at the funeral and the family divide or if you want to make your donation to one of the charities or whatever, but please don't send flowers after you've already been asked and told they would prefer you send donations to their chosen charities instead.

If you / your Mum want to take some flowers round to your Aunt in a month or two, or on her birthday or his birthday, or an anniversary or something - fine, but don't send or take any to the funeral.

TeaKitten · 14/08/2023 14:53

Donate, it’s what she’s asked for, the ‘do what you think is right’ bit is an after thought to reassure you she won’t be mad if you bring some anyway, or just don’t donate, but she’s sorted the flowers and wants you to donate.

explainthistomeplease · 14/08/2023 15:34

Donate. It's what she's explicitly requested.
It's nice for the bereaved to see a decent amount donated, so chipping in would be a nice thing to do. We got more than 2k for dad's
Funeral for Alzheimer's. It gave be a small warm glow on a bleak day