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Original poster

If you had agreed to make cake for a funeral spread..

26 replies

PurpleSteak · 13/08/2023 17:19

DH died. I got lots of "let us know what we can do" messages and I took the ones from what I considered close friends, at face value and asked for a few small favours.

I have some friends who make cakes. Nothing fancy, but they often make a fruit cake or a Victoria sandwich for a gathering, so I said if you'd like to, a cake for the funeral tea would be good. They agreed.

Anyway, funeral was on a Monday and on sending messages just to check who was bringing what, one friend said actually she'd be too busy to bake that weekend.

I know a cake is not a big deal, there was plenty of cake, my sister and my mum baked too, but the fact that they'd offered and agreed to help and then let me down without even telling me until I asked, really hurt me at a difficult time.

It's a long time ago now, but I don't think my feelings for that friendship have ever recovered. I don't think she feels the same about it either, maybe she never did and that's why she didn't bother.

I'm sure I'd have found time. no matter what to make a cake for the funeral of a good friend's husband, if I'd offered/agreed to do it.

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleSteak · 13/08/2023 17:20

By funeral tea, I mean wake, but we don't call it that here.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 13/08/2023 17:29

No you're right, it was a poor show. Given the circumstances, I'd have at least bought one from a supermarket to show that you cared even if you didn't have time to make it.

GoodyHoodie · 13/08/2023 17:31

Agree, that's shit. She should have made one or bought one.

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Wenfy · 13/08/2023 17:31

That’s awful OP. Personally if I make a promise I keep it

Thewallsof · 13/08/2023 17:33

Sorry for your loss. Even if it was a little while ago. That's shitty behaviour, I'm definitely a person who will do stuff they say, like I don't really say let's meet for drinks if I don't want to etc. But even as a flakey person I'd expect them to do what they said for a funeral! Ffs some people.

Almahart · 13/08/2023 17:33

I wouldn't feel the same either. If I really absolutely couldn't make a cake for reasons beyond my control, I'd have bought one, or otherwise made it up to you. But honestly, it doesn't take that long to make a victoria sponge if you're used to doing it and I think she should have prioritised you.

UltramarineViolet · 13/08/2023 17:37

If I had agreed to provide a cake for a funeral then I can't imagine turning up empty handed unless I had a damn good excuse (e.g. I'd been hospitalised and only discharged on day of funeral!)

Was she apologetic when she admitted she hadn't found time?

Neverseenbefore · 13/08/2023 17:39

Yes, that’s very poor of the friend.

dahliadazed · 13/08/2023 17:40

Your friend should have bought one of there was no time to make one.

Hoooodoyouthink · 13/08/2023 17:41

That's very poor. It really doesn't take long to knock up a fruit cake or sponge and I'd have stayed up til the early hours if I had to, to keep that promise. Sorry for your loss 💐

Original poster
PurpleSteak · 13/08/2023 17:41

UltramarineViolet · 13/08/2023 17:37

If I had agreed to provide a cake for a funeral then I can't imagine turning up empty handed unless I had a damn good excuse (e.g. I'd been hospitalised and only discharged on day of funeral!)

Was she apologetic when she admitted she hadn't found time?

No, not really. I think she was embarrassed and she couldn't really tell me the reason because she'd been away on a secret weekend with a group I'd usually be part of, but hadn't been invited to on this occasion. (She still doesn't know I know!)

That's a bit of a drip feed, sorry, but is also part of the reason for the hurt. Not the fact that they went, life goes on, but the fact that it was all a big secret. I'm not part of that group anymore.

OP posts:
Ohyousillydivvy · 13/08/2023 17:42

I'd have bought one from M&S or ordered it via their food service if I didn't have time to bake. Very poor show of your estranged friend.

Theimpossiblegirl · 13/08/2023 17:45

That's really shit behaviour having read your update. Yes life goes on, but they all handled it really poorly. I'd have left the group too. Even without the cake let down.

Original poster
PurpleSteak · 13/08/2023 17:48

Theimpossiblegirl · 13/08/2023 17:45

That's really shit behaviour having read your update. Yes life goes on, but they all handled it really poorly. I'd have left the group too. Even without the cake let down.

Yes, I've tried to justify it for them, but obviously they knew it wasn't quite right or it wouldn't have been a secret. They'd probably say they were protecting me or some such.

OP posts:
jlpth · 13/08/2023 17:50

Extremely poor form and no excuse. If I’d not had time to do it (well I’d be too rubbish at baking anyway) I’d have gone to a posh cake shop and bought a nice one for the spread.

Fiddlerdragon · 13/08/2023 17:51

You’d have to be a prick of epic proportions to do what your friends did to you

SirChenjins · 13/08/2023 17:53

I’m so sorry for your loss OP, my deepest sympathies.

That is a really shorty thing that your ‘friend’ did and she did it at probably the worst possible time. Making a cake for my friend’s husband’s funeral tea would have been my absolute priority and if something cropped up that made that impossible I would have bought a really nice one with profuse apologies. I can well understand why this still affects you, I would be the same.

SirChenjins · 13/08/2023 17:53

Shitty not shorty

AllGrownUpp · 13/08/2023 17:54

How long ago was this, do you think about it often, is this about the lack of cake or your DH dying?

Original poster
PurpleSteak · 13/08/2023 17:57

AllGrownUpp · 13/08/2023 17:54

How long ago was this, do you think about it often, is this about the lack of cake or your DH dying?

It's just over 2 years. I think about when I see this friend or anyone from that group, they're all "friendly" and I can barely be polite 😆

Although I've distanced myself, we still move in the same circles so I see one or other of them quite frequently.

They say you find out who your friends are in times of adversity and I really did. There are a couple of others who were more "people I know" previously who have really been amazing to me.

OP posts:
TheIoWfairy · 13/08/2023 17:57

Rubbish behaviour, whatever the reason

LookItsMeAgain · 13/08/2023 17:59

AllGrownUpp · 13/08/2023 17:54

How long ago was this, do you think about it often, is this about the lack of cake or your DH dying?

Eh what????

1 - not important to the OP's story.
2 - see point 1
3 - did you really just type that????

A person that the OP considered to be a friend and someone who offered, on hearing that the OP's husband had just passed away, to bake a cake or even in very basic terms agreed to provide food for the equivalent of a wake, didn't and couldn't be arsed to even show up with a shop bought cake instead.

@PurpleSteak I'm sorry for your loss, irrespective of when it was. I think it's in times like the one you've been through, you really do find out who your friends are and if they are fair-weather friends or true friends. This one wasn't a true friend.

Fiddlerdragon · 13/08/2023 18:03

AllGrownUpp · 13/08/2023 17:54

How long ago was this, do you think about it often, is this about the lack of cake or your DH dying?

Uh… both? But mainly the fact that she was massively let down by her so called friends during probably one of the worst times of her life?

mast0650 · 13/08/2023 18:03

I agree, that's pretty rubbish behaviour. But how I would feel about it would depend on the friend more generally. If they are generally a really good friend then it wouldn't necessarily be a big deal. On the other hand, maybe it was the last straw in a friendship that was a bit shakey anyway.

We asked lots of people to make cake for my dad's funeral. We had FAR too much cake!!

SirChenjins · 13/08/2023 18:05

AllGrownUpp · 13/08/2023 17:54

How long ago was this, do you think about it often, is this about the lack of cake or your DH dying?

What on earth made you type that?? 😲

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