Finding it hard to know what to say about son's gender non-conforming ways

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9yo son who behaves in several gender non-conforming ways, mainly mannerisms, posture and expressions. Sometimes this is very obvious and other parents notice this too and I find myself feeling unsure of what to say. I've checked with friends if I'm being over sensitive and imagining other people's reactions and they say I'm not ie other people notice and I'm getting a range of reactions from them, sometimes unhelpful ones eg laughing. I'm only adjusting to this myself but would like to say something that indicates that acceptance is key, that I love him as he is, but don't want to sound defensive, get into the reeds of it. Any advice on what to say?

Say nothing

I don't think it's worth worrying about 'what other people think'

I don't think you have to say anything.

I knew a little boy just like this . He was watching lots of inappropriate TV and Internet stuff like drag race and his mother thought it was cute when he was " sassy "
Maybe check what he us exposed to?
otherwise just let him be himself

It depends who the “people” are? Family or friends- you could say Leave him be, let’s not make fun of him?

Out in public? Ignore and teach ds to ignore- develop his confidence and resilience by (as a pp says-) teaching him to be himself and not to worry what others think.

He's his own person, good for him.

In an odd sort of way it's a relief when our kids behave in ways that don't conform to stereotype, because it's so easily to impose stereotypes without even being aware we're doing so.
Do you need to say anything? What sort of comments are you getting? I think most things you can just turn into a comment on personality.
Yes he loves dancing/colour/whatever it is.
Aw yes he's a sensitive soul.
Aw yes, our budding artist.
All said with a big fond smile.

Gender is essentially sexist bollocks. If anyone starts suggesting that your DS might be trans because of the way he behaves, for heavens’ sake don’t encourage them.

Can you elaborate on the mannerisms and expressions?
As pointed out, is he copying someone else, imitating people on tv (?)
Or is he just quite effeminate? Nothing wrong with that, it’s not unusual . I’m trying to imagine what lots of people are reacting to or finding funny?

Just keep an open mind to his sexuality. Some children who present this way later grow up to be gay. We tried with all our kids to not be too heteronormative in conversation eg we might say something like oh i wonder what your future girl or boyfriend will look like (bit of a shit example, I don't think we actually saud that, but where we might use 'girlfriend' we tried to use 'girl or boyfriend'. It's a good idea regardless I think

Completely ignore things that are supposed to be gender conforming. Highlighting these things makes me believe that that is what's causing an increase and people who believe they were born into the wrong gender. We have human behaviors -they are along a continuum.

My kids a friend who was like this from around that age, he's a very happy gay man now

Smileyclare, flamboyant hand gestures, limp wrists, shoulders way back and chest puffed out, bottom out, quite caricaturedly feminine at times. I think I could say something light that conveys I'm cool with it and that he's very loved without saying those words. Maybe It's quite a walk or very expressive. He's also very interested in football, but struggles with playing in matches but he wants to still go to them. So we're often at occasions were the other boys are behaving very stereotypically, so it can stand out. I just think the moment would pass better if I said something kinda light that ended up being helpful in its way.

Definitely check what he’s watching to see if he’s mirroring something but if not who cares?! Maybe he’s like that naturally… if so, why does it matter as long as he’s happy?

Don’t say anything just let him be otherwise you’re going to make him feel different

What you’re describing is sometimes typical of gay boys/men which is different from gender. If he’s gay then he’s gay, it’s who he is - nothing wrong with that and certainly doesn’t mean anyone should start talking about pronouns.

I have a masculine 10yo girl. Her best friend is a very effeminate boy and popular with boys and girls. They're kids.
I'm proud of my daughter for being confident and self-assured enough to be herself. Who knows what the future holds but every day I tell my kids I'm proud of them, but it's more important they are proud of themselves.
If she is mistaken for a boy (daily occurence), I just gently correct and we move on. When the other mum's talk about their girly princesses or whatever I may make a flippant remark about lack of gender-typical girliness in our house, but never at the expense of my daughter.
OP, Just let your son be who he is. Whatever happens, all we actually want for the kids is security, self-esteem and happiness. I don't think you need to publicly acknowledge his feminine-side at all really but if you do, I'd highlight the positive qualities of him being true to himself rather than directly referencing stereotypical gender non-conformance.

What do people say? Do people seriously laugh at a 9 year old being a little effeminate?
Honestly, I'd be so annoyed at people if they behaved badly like this. It's 2023 for goodness sake!
I don't think you need to be lighthearted to make the situation more comfortable for these people. I think if they are being this rude then tell them to F off quite frankly.

I agree. I've seen lots of boys behave in this way, for some it's natural and they are v expressive. For others it's performative and they are picking up that this type of expression gets lots of praise. Some pre pubescent boys can seem 'camp' by cultural norm standards. When they go through puberty they change again. Encourage him to be himself and make sure you praise him for the non performative communications.

OP, I don’t have words of wisdom (I’m sorry), but completely get where you’re coming from. We all — I hope — want to find ways of telling our children we love them unconditionally. When my DD was 4, she kept telling me she wanted to be a boy. I kept telling her that was okay and if she still felt like that when she was older, there were options. That was easier because I was responding to something she’d vocalised, whereas it doesn’t sound as though your DS has vocalised anything. I think thought that maybe it’s enough for you to keep telling your DS that you love him. That’s all any of us can really do at the end of the day. You and he sound brilliant, though, so good luck to you both. X

Though not thought…

Why are you tolerating the ridiculing of your ds? A death stare and walk away or robustly challenge them , depending on which suits your personality.

To him: You don't need to change a thing about yourself. You are perfect as you are.

To the weird staring people: Excuse me, what exactly is your issue with my son? Stop staring at him!

I don’t think you should say anything to him, unless of course he raises it with you.

By saying something you are implying it’s something that warrants calling out or discussing i.e. That it isn’t normal. When actually to him this is totally normal. So by bringing it up you might actually take a step step backwards rather than forwards as it might give him cause to stop and consider more than he’s doing right now.

keep doing what you’re doing, it sounds like you’re creating an environment where he can be himself, which is great

Bottom out???

Alarm bells are ringing here...

Why?

probably because over sexualised behaviour in young children is one of the signs of a child that has been exposed to sexual behaviour or has been physically sexually abused

Sticking your bottom out and having 'limp wrists' whatever that is is not what little girls do - whatever it is, I don't think that's what feminine looks like. Perhaps that's just what shape he is at the moment? Sticking his chest out could be an attempt at being masculine too. Male superheroes and sports stars have big muscular chests.

What's he into? If he's watching lots of Drag Race I'd maybe be concerned as that show can be misogynistic and he may be getting odd ideas of what feminine looks like himself. If he's watching dance or gymnastics or superheroes, there's your answer, he's trying to mimic posture and muscular bodies (and maybe sign him up for some classes).

But actually you say he's into football - what do you mean he struggles with playing? Is he not well? Or he's in a setup where he's not making the team? Or too shy? (Doesn't sound shy from the flamboyancy!) If football's what he's into I'd try really hard to get him into a setup where he will get to play regularly, then he will get better and find it easier to get on the pitch in other settings too.