Finding it hard to know what to say about son's gender non-conforming ways

[Randomised00]

9yo son who behaves in several gender non-conforming ways, mainly mannerisms, posture and expressions. Sometimes this is very obvious and other parents notice this too and I find myself feeling unsure of what to say. I've checked with friends if I'm being over sensitive and imagining other people's reactions and they say I'm not ie other people notice and I'm getting a range of reactions from them, sometimes unhelpful ones eg laughing. I'm only adjusting to this myself but would like to say something that indicates that acceptance is key, that I love him as he is, but don't want to sound defensive, get into the reeds of it. Any advice on what to say?

Adding, I'd be asking the questions in a neutral tone though. Just in case he's only pretending to like football because that's what the other boys in his class like and he thinks he ought to. He sounds more confident in his own personality than that but you never know, kids can be sensitive about being perceived as different too.

Before the world lost the plot two of my friends had lads like this. They were I suppose and I have no idea if allowed to say this, camp. I have known one since birth and the other from about age 10. They are now late twenties and both out gay men. One of the friends has a gay brother and said she knew her DS was gay from a very early age. The other had no clue, I could see it and her family were very homophobic and they were very worried the wider family would not accept him.

I worry about gay people being influenced and thinking they are trans, some detransition stories are utterly heartbreaking.

One of these lads was the most delightful child I have ever met.

Just let him be but as with all children be aware of the current social contagion.

If this was my child, and people were ‘noticing’ I’d be telling them to fuck right off to be honest. You love and support your child for who they are and you do everything you can to protect them from bullies, including bullying adults.

My dd has 2 friends who are girls with short hair who play rugby and hang out mostly with the boys. So what? I wouldn’t think anything of it. My best friend growing up was a boy who was relatively ‘feminine’ compared to other boys. He came out as gay in his teens. Great.

My sons are happy in themselves and know what they like regardless of whether it's deemed "masculine" or "feminine". They're still young enough to look a bit androgenous, and occasionally people do mistake them for girls. They just correct them and everyone moves on.

Occasionally you do encounter a pillock who seems to be determined to be offended that a boy hasn't got a buzz cut and isn't wearing sludge colours/ football kit, and I remind my sons that they can choose what they like/ wear/ style themselves as, but that thick idiot is stuck with being a thick idiot.

Children should be free to like what they like without it being politicised or pigeonholed.

It was so easy to turn Britain back into a sexist society. That’s what gender conforming concerns are - sexism pure and simple. How sad that you are prepared to look for ways of forcing a young child of 10 to conform to some silly idea in your head rather than waiting and letting him be what he is. All of the work done for decades by both men and women to try to get people to think once in a while was a waste of time.

Another thing occurred to me, that my lad sometimes adopts daft mannerisms and poses. He’s SEN. I don’t care as long as he behaves like a decent human being.

The word feminine means like a girl/woman but I don't know any women or girls who have the mannerisms you describe. I would agree with the pp to check out what he is watching on YouTube or tiktok etc.

The gay men I happen to be friends with don't have these mannerisms either, but you know if you have friends your ds could be emulating.

Nothing wrong with having these mannerisms but I'd want to check if he's getting them from age-appropriate sources. (Eg family friend with these mannerisms - fine. Age inappropriate YouTube - not necessarily fine).

My DS was like this for about 2 years at a similar age, and also massively into his image and fashion. They were also talking a lot in primary about different genders/ trans/non binary etc. We went with the line that boys/men/women/girls could be/do/dress anyway they liked and that was fine, but he was a bio boy and always would be. Whilst this was going on, our DD was fairly stereotypical girly, long hair, opted for school skirts, not trousers etc.

They are 13 and 11 now, he has become much more male, for want of a better word, and laughs at this phase. Conversely, DD has cut her hair short, wears only boys clothes and is always mistaken for a boy thanks to the long hair fashion in girls. She wanted to change her name to a boys name but we distracted her from that one. Either way, we take the same, relaxed but acknowledging bio sex, line and both have always been comfortable with their bio sex and know that anyway they choose to present is fine.

I don’t know if it as ‘thing’ at this age, they certainly are taught a lot about genders etc in school. But both of mine are ND too and that may have an impact. Obviously, if either of them turned out to be gay that would be fine! And whilst we would always support trans, I wouldn’t want any medical treatment under 18 and TBH I hope that our views about bio sex will prevail as this culture in young people does worry me.

From what I've read and I've read a fair bit, these mannerisms and behaviours are quite typical of children who later maybe gay. They are typically overly feminine, no female behaves like this, it's that + +. That's why other people react, not because they're bad people but because there is something incongruous about it. It prompts a reaction. Rather than people taking that home and their children overhearing and maybe coming back and treating my child differently. I think if I could say something it might head that off. I'm still adjusting to this but I am adjusting. It would be a lot to handle if the bullying or ostracising started now too and he has fewer friends at school than at home. He also has talked about having a 'girly' part but says it's small, only 20%

Just enjoy who he is OP. I think you're over-thinking it. He's interested in football? Talk about football, find out if he wants to play more. He's flamboyant? See if he fancies having a go at dance or drama clubs.

Being gay really isn't cause for ostracisation these days, kids don't care. He'll be fine if he is, but it's way early to diagnose him based on a few mannerisms.

Thanks

I would be cautious about presuming that he may be gay from this. Some gay men are camp and flamboyant, many are not. And most straight men aren't but some are. Has he always been like this or is it recent? It does sound possible he is mimicking something he admires. Either way I would just allow him to express himself and if anyone comments I would stick so short answers like 'and' or 'so', and don't get involved in actual conversations.