Suburbia affecting MH- how to learn to love it

[PrincessMyshkin]

Has anyone got any ideas for being happier in the suburbs? I'm stuck here for about 3 years as am retraining and tbh it is making me miserable being so far from everything.

I don't drive which is a key point. This is for medical reasons and unlikely to change for the foreseeable. I also can't really cycle on roads for the same reason. My health (meds really) does affect my MH and this setting is making it worse.

It's proper deep suburbia, about a 20 min walk from the parade of shops and maybe 1h20 walk into town. Buses aren't great, making it a long round trip. There isn't much nice walking or countryside nearby. The town itself is a bit small and rundown if I'm honest.

I moved to the town to retrain and from the town centre to live with DP. We travel around a lot together and do a lot to make our house and little garden nice and a bit wild, introducing wildlife etc but I am simply not used to all the blank square houses, nobody around and nowhere to go. We are overlooked on all sides. The effect actually makes me quite anxious! I have lived in big cities or the coast since being a teenager and feel quite affected by the lack of space or buzz. It is quiet and safe but I don't really like quiet and safe, I like being able to walk around and see things.

No offence to anyone. Really not suggesting the type of area isn't good enough, it's just not right for me.

I would be really interested to hear what makes people happy about the suburbs to try and capture some of that. No snark intended from me at all. It just doesn't suit me here and I can't readily move. A lot of my course work is online so I'm at home quite a bit, I don't just come home at night.

I'm struggling a bit socially in the area anyway despite trying to meet people. I came knowing nobody, everyone on my course is nice but much younger and I suppose I prioritised finding a partner due to my age. I've joined a walking club and a book club but don't have much time due to the course.

Any advice most welcome!

What do you mean by suburbs sorry? I always think of suburbs as outer London.

I'm struggling to understand the environment you're in.

Lots of blank houses, overlooked on all sides but no one around. No parade of shops. Remote from centre of town. I can't work out if your in a tiny village or a housing estate with no amenities.

What is it that's missing? Is it people? Green space? Things to do? Public transport? Pubs, shops, library etc?

Is there a running group you could join? Or an allotment? A Facebook group that details events or activities or groups?

If all else fails, is it practical for you and DP to move?

Thanks for replies.

Sorry, to be clearer not London sadly.

Interlocking new estates. So acres of new builds connecting what used to be villages but now don't really have much apart from loads of new houses which stretch quite far from any amenities which are mostly takeaways and small convenience shops.

Essentially, it is built for those who have cars as there are plenty of facilities, shops, parks and countryside in driving distance but not very accessible to me. It isn't a deprived area, in fact quite sought after with fairly big houses, just designed to be reached by car.

DP is happy to take me anywhere and I can use the buses but I am really feeling the lack of independence and limitations compared to when I just used to go wherever I wanted, whenever.

Gazelda your confusion kind of hits the nail on the head. It's part of a series of new estates with very few amenities. To me this feels like all of the issues you raise above! Boxy houses all close together overlooking each other but you hardly see anyone around. It's so bloody quiet. Transport isn't very good, only very basic shops, few pubs or other facilities, nowhere nice to walk, just routes around the houses. I've looked at the Facebook groups and it seems to be mostly reporting men in vans for driving up the street, not really any activities apart from for children or football which isn't my thing at all.

Green spaces are not a very nice walk away along a main road. The pubs are sports screen type places, not very inviting.

I just feel quite crushed by it all. I miss walking for miles around whichever city or town I lived in or along the coast, through the park or by the river, seeing the landscape change, going to events, being spontaneous. I don't need it to be scenic or posh, just I dunno. Not this.

The walking group I joined is in countryside a drive away so I go to the ones accessible by bus or with DP.

I'm not sure we could really move early, without boring you with the details. It's not forever but the approx 3 years is feeling horribly daunting.

I know exactly the kind of place you mean. Can you grow some things to create some privacy? Having a routine that works for you and your DP is important too. I kind of sounds a bit like lock down! The book club and walking club are a good start. Maybe consider a dog or pet of some kind?

I'm no longer able to drive for health reasons so I put that money towards cabs when necessary. I know some people really balk at spending on cabs but it can be worth it.

We left London zone 2 for a bigger garden in outer London suburbs when pregnant when DC2.

I really relate and felt so lost for ages. I mean ssef the buzz, the world food, bring able to jump on a bus.

It gets easier.

Find your tribe - look on FB or MN. When my DC stated school, I began to feel belonging in the community.

Can you take driving lessons?

A few years in and I can appreciate the green spaces around me and have found the funny, wise, feminist women who form my chosen family.

I see you and know how hard it is.

I missed the buzz

Sorry just seen you cant drive. Sounds really tough OP.

What are the neighbours like? Is there a charity you can volunteer for to give your some days shape and meaning? Eg there are literacy charities where you can read stories over zoom to kids who have no books at home.

Does DP feel the same as you?

Thank you everyone so much. Some great ideas and I appreciate being understood. People nearby seem to go 'ooh nice!' As it is new and quite a good area of town (not super posh or anything).

We have rescued a cat recently, he is an utter godsend, just having some life and company and personality about the place.

Volunteering would be a good shout but i need to work more during my spare time, not been well lately which I think has been quite circular - able to do less so the place has weighed heavier. I have found a group for gardening and environmental stuff- planting empty spaces- that appeals. Skatergrrrrl 's point about finding a tribe is key. It just hasn't happened yet apart from DP himself. Maybe this group should have some interesting people who share the causes I care about.

Good shout about cabs. I may ask if this can be included in my adjustments and student funding (not being super cheeky, it has been for past courses).

Sounds rubbish OP. Bad town planning leading a miserable quality of life for residents. I live in suburbs but we're 20 mins walk from town and 20 mins walk from rolling countryside so totally different.

What describe sounds like the US, totally car centric!

I would look at what the barriers are to moving and address those. If money, get an evening WFH job and save? If DP, is living with him worth it? Etc.

Just move. These places are soulless. They are designed for car drivers. If you don't drive they are hell.

I couldn’t live there and I drive. If I didn’t drive I would want to move.

Just learn to drive - what a great opportunity to do it now. The world will open up for and you will find your freedom there

Thanks for replying but I can't, it's not legally allowed unfortunately. I'm hoping one day I'll be able to!

keep exploring, you might find somewhere in a different direction to get to for some green space

This.

OP, it sounds absolutely soul-destroying. I know exactly the type of place you mean — a friend lives in one and even visiting depresses me.

If @smartiesneberhadtheanswer’s suggestion about addressing whatever it is that means you can’t move isn’t possible, would it help you psychologically just to say ‘Yes, this is (temporarily) awful, and I hate it, but I can stick it out till I have finished my retraining, as it is only to facilitate that’?

And you will absolutely know the kind of place you don’t want to live in, ever again.

Finding your tribe would absolutely help, but my own experience has taught me that some places just don’t contain your tribe. I spent eight years in a soulless, if pretty, village where there were absolutely no potential friends at all. I consoled myself with walking in the countryside (which was accessible from my door on foot — like you, I don’t drive), but I think I would have been far less unhappy if I’d known it was for a finite period.

Moving- tbh I'm viewing it as off the table for now hence wanting to try and make peace with the area.

My course finishes in approx 3 years by which time I hope to find a training place far away from here. DP is on board with this.

The house belongs to DP. I don't think he would flatly refuse but it would mean 2 big house moves in 3 years, with all the expense that entails. We would most likely have to move somewhere more expensive the second time as this is a fairly cheap area so it would be a lot of expense for not very much time viewed from that perspective.

It's just that 3 years looks like a lot from here surrounded by boxes for miles. I could potentially go back to a small city centre house or flat like I had previously. Tbh on balance i sometimes wish i had stayed there for the location and MH benefits but it would be a lot of expense again (rentals have gone up since I moved) and I'm hoping this relationship progresses towards having a family as I am mid-30s and feeling time pressure about that too.

I know it's not forever but I do feel somewhat trapped. I knew this town wouldn't be my first choice forever but I didnt expect this move to be such a huge wrench.

Thank you for this. I cross posted but yes this is the way I am trying to see it, as a temporary necessary thing and to make the best of it. Agreed with PP that keeping exploring is a good idea. Also I'm not sure a tribe exists in the area itself, you literally never see any people! Glad you have found somewhere that's a better fit

keep up with joining the clubs,
make time for them op

is there a church you can walk to?
a WI?

If you canmot drive medicalky you need taxi budget , is it easy to call one?
Or move to somewhere with good buses like at least every 20 mins
Or move closer to amenities

That’s not my understanding of what “the suburbs” is. It sounds more like you’re living on one of those sprawling new build housing estates that barely have pavements and where the teenagers hang around the couple of shops or the takeaway. I think of this those more as being what they used to call “dormitory villages”.

I live in the suburbs but it’s the “proper suburbs”, in the traditional sense ie the edge of a city. So, not in the built up city centre, but a further out with a bit more greenery. There is a lovely park. There is infrastructure. A buzzing high street with plenty of amenities, supermarkets, all kinds of restaurants not just Toby carvery type places, bars, post office, hairdressers, independent shops, library. It is a 15 min walk from where we chose to buy as it suited us, but there are plenty of houses that are only 2 mins walk from that busy area.

there is a train station, regular buses. Even an airport is only 20 mins by taxi or you can get a bus to it. I can be on the motorway in 20 mins in a car too.

We DO have those soulless estates in our city. But to be honest the houses are cheaper on them because there is not much around. So, proper suburban life can be great if you preferred a buzz. You just need to do your research. Because new build estates are not “the suburbs”.

can you rent somewhere else for the remainder of your time there? If you can’t drive there is absolutely no point living on one of those estates built for drivers.

Also, are you sure that it’s not your actual course that’s restricting what you’re able to do? I mean, if I lived somewhere like that and it belonged to my partner, then I’d expect him to understand that I wanted us both to go out to other places at weekends. But if your assignments are restricting the free time you have then it’s more that the work is restricting you, isn’t it?

I understand what you mean, I've lived in a similar sounding area for the last few years, and we're now looking to move for all the reasons you mention. But what I would say is that it has become easier since we started meeting and becoming friendly with other people who live round here. We moved away from friends and family and didn't know anyone in the local area when we first got here.

There will be people like you around, it's just harder to find them because of the way we live now and the lack of community. If you can, that would be my advice to make the next few years more bearable.

If its fairly flat, can you get a trike (about £150-200 on ebay, just looked) or quadricycle to get you about?