Supportive words needed please - mother of the bride

[Anemone414]

I just need to vent a bit about my worries as upcoming mother of bride in two weeks.
I am looking forward to the wedding and I 100% know it is not my day, it is of course my daughter's and husband to be's day and it will be a wonderful day and I am delighted they are getting married...
But...I feel so insecure and anxious. I have kept these feelings to myself and they are unaware. I am overweight and have really struggled to find an outfit I am happy with, I've managed to lose three stone but am still overweight. I quite like my outfit but I know I will feel very self conscious in it as I am a casual dresser and find dressy occasions stressful.
I am stressing about getting my hair and makeup right. I can't afford to use a professional hair/make up person on the day.
I find any big social gatherings stressful and tend to avoid them..more formal gatherings are even worse, and in this I will feel in the spotlight as mother of the bride. I am single so do not have a partner to rely on on the day, and worst still will have to sit next to my daughter's father, my ex, on the top table. His partner will be there, she is lovely and we get on but she is twenty years younger than me, slim and pretty. I can't help but feel people will be looking at me and feeling sorry for me.
In addition I have some mobility and pain issues and I'm concerned how I'm going to cope with the day..the walking around, standing for photos and I am dreading someone trying to get me up on the dance floor but equally I don't want to feel like the sad fat person sat on their own at the side of the dance floor.
My adult son and lovely daughter in law will be there and they will somewhat be by my side but I don't want to cramp their style or enjoyment of the day either.
It's all just so stressful and anxiety provoking.
I'm sure the day will be lovely but right now I am a hidden bundle of anxiety and have been having a little cry today just feeling a little overwhelmed.
Just needed to let my feelings out and hopefully get some words of encouragement.
No nasty comments please..if you want to be spiteful please go elsewhere

I'm so sorry you feel like this and I can understand it must feel like an enormous pressure , but try and concentrate on the positives. Do you have an outfit yet? Could you go with something relatively plain eg navy blue linen dress and dress it up with a hat/fascinator and shawl just for the photos?
Would your son/daughter pay for you to get your hair done as a treat? Or have you got a friend who could do it for you? Please do tell your son so he knows to be supportive, I don't think it would cramp his style as such.
Try and enjoy it it's a massive day. And remember all eyes are in the bride at the end of the day so don't fret, just think what a good job you did getting her to her wedding day!

Sorry realised you do indeed have outfit - that's great!

Congratulations on your weight loss.

I think you're overlooking one vital thing. Your family love you because you are you. They don't want someone primped and preened with make up and hair dos etc if that's not your thing and it makes you anxious.

Don't worry if your eye make up runs or if your shoes aren't glamorous or if your hair looks like your hair. Step back, look at how happy your family are and be proud of what you have achieved. Have a wonderful day.

Thank you for your comment JazzyBBG.
Yes I have my outfit, a really nice navy pleated maxi dress, I also have a hat but I'm not sure if I'm going to feel confident enough to wear it.
I don't want to ask my daughter to pay for me to get my hair done, they have so much expense with the wedding. But I might ask my daughter in law if she can help me style it, that could be an idea. I'm still practicing curling it but I can't get the curls/ waves to stay in.
I might tell my son a bit, but he will also be supporting his elderly grandmother, and I want him to enjoy the day.
I'm sure it will be fine on the day, it's just the run up is horrible

HewasH20..yes you are right and thank you. My family want me there and do love me, that is the main thing. I think I've just put a lot of pressure on myself to 'do it right'.

Everything you're feeling is completely understandable and valid. Those are all real concerns and everyone would struggle having that much to contend with on such a special day.

Two suggestions, hopefully others will be along with more:

1 Take one or two other guests into your confidence about how you're feeling. So is not just your DS and DDIL keeping an eye out for you. Perhaps extended family members who are your generation who will be happy to have a sit down with you if you're in pain or help deter an enthusiastic dance partner. You don't have to tell them everything if you don't want to, but a few of the things on your list would make any kindly person want to be supportive.

2 Two weeks is long enough to teach yourself some mindfulness or other coping strategies. Have a look on YouTube. I'm thinking devising a mantra to repeat to yourself during the day to keep your show on the road and hush the anxious feelings just a smidge. Eg "I am so happy for DD and me just being here is enough for her" or something.

PS Well done on the weight loss, I'm very envious and don't underestimate how good that will look on you!

I can sympathise with you for exactly the same reasons . These days there are so many expectations on weddings being totally a perfect , lavish affair . The venue , the food , the guests and wedding party all dressed up with perfect hair , outfit and make up to model like perfection.
but we all know life isn't like that , and we are not like that , it's all an illusion for one day only.
Put on your dress , do your hair / make up and enjoy the day you see your Dd get married .
If it makes you feel better , remember your ex chose you first , you have this occasion because you had your daughter together , his wife is there as an extra , you are your daughter's mum and therefore the 2nd most important woman there.
Remember that , and enjoy the day .

Thank you all. These are just the kind of encouraging messages I was hoping for and are helping me to keep a sense of perspective

Could you get your make up done at a beauty counter? Can you phone round and see if you can get an inexpensive blow dry somewhere? I feel a million times better if my hair is sitting well. Have you a close friend you could confide in?

I was wondering if you have a 'best friend' who can be your person for the day. Would there be space at the top table for them? If everyone else has a partner then this seems fair and might provide moral support.

@Anemone414 My own wedding was 30 years ago. The only bits I can really remember are my MIL tipping a drink down the back of my dress and someone having to break into our granny's hotel room as she disappeared (but was fine). I couldn't really tell you what people wore, but I can remember their smiles and being so happy that everyone was together.

My best friend's wedding featured her dad dancing with his ex and current wife to the Rolling Stones I used to love her, but it's all over now.

Have a wonderful day.

Bless you, I dread these kind of occasions for most of the same reasons, but it will come and go. I agree with what another poster said about letting a few close people know how you feel. I was probably the heaviest I've ever been when my daughter married 5 years ago but once I saw her and some lovely family members and friends, it honestly didn't matter. Sending you a big hug xx

I bet you are going to look amazing, especially when you look at your daughter and feel proud of the woman that she is. It will glow on your face and you will be beautiful.

Practice putting a bit of make up on, only so you feel special but still feel like you. Definitely get someone to do your hair, only because it’s really bloody hard to do for yourself.

Whether you dance or don’t, talk to the people you love and share this special day. Honestly, the worry will be worse than the day.

If ex’s wife is anything like me (I was the younger new wife at step sons wedding), she will be feeling awkward and wondering what her place is in all of this. There is and will never be any comparison because you are mum and the trumps anything else.

Have a lovely time, I hope you feel able to share photos but I know it’s awkward because of anonymity.

You will be there that is the important thing. A happy smiling face is far more important than what you are wearing.
Could your usual hairdresser not help you out with your hair if not put your new hat on and enjoy yourself

I want to give you a hug. What a shame that the run up to the wedding is stressful for you.

Please wear your dress - it sounds lovely - and your hat. See if you can get a blow dry on the morning - can the bride’s hairdresser fit you in? And the make up counter idea is a good one.

Bottom line, smile and let the love for your family shine out of your face. It will be the only thing anyone notices.

You sound so kind worrying about everyone else having a good time - but I bet what will make their day is knowing you are having a good time too. Your dress sounds lovely and I wouldn't be at all surprised if you daughter would be thrilled if you had your hair and makeup done at the same time as her - and it probably wouldn't cost very much for her to add you in. If you can't Dave that your DIL sounds a great option- could she help you with your makeup too? If she is going to help I suggest trying out a look with your dress before the event - I helped a cousin with her makeup recently as she is a no makeup person and a practice a week before was really helpful as it meant I could pick up a lipstick for her and some other bits I didn't have.

Argh can't do that - don't know how Dave crept in!

Dave creeps in everywhere! He’s a sneaky little bugger. 😂

I feel really sad for you. I felt like this at my brothers wedding, I was pregnant(no-one knew) and a little overweight and had massive issues trying to find a dress that looked nice. I felt so self conscious all day and knew people would be looking at me and thinking i was fat. It didn't help that the sisters of the bride were all slim and looked great in their dresses. I hate the photos but it is what it is and I had to just take some deep breaths on the day and get on with it despite how I felt. Get a nice bright lipstick and some heels and have a glass of champagne and try to enjoy yourself and not give a shit what anyone thinks.

You are beautiful, you just need to believe it!
Beauty radiates from within.

You need to fake it until you make it.
Smile, Smile Smile

Have a selection of stock responses
Lovely to see you, lovely to meet you, thank you so much for coming.
Doesn't she look beautiful, I am so proud.
He is a wonderful partner, they are both lucky to have found each other
What a wonderful day
You look lovely

Can you see if you can get Volterol pills 100mg slow release from your doctor.
If not start taking a supplement Glucosamine and start doing 10 mins yoga stretch for back and hips everyday until the wedding - I swear by it.

Wear the hat to the church and photos then throw it off - smile, smile, smile.

You are going to have the most magical day and it is going to go so quickly.

Many moons ago, my best friend was getting married, her father has left her mother for the woman he was having a 20 year affair with. She was so nervous, I took her arm and said right smile this is your day and we walked in arm in arm smiling and laughing. She was fine after that.

Please come back and tell us how it went.
So remember smile, smile and smile.
You can do this!

Honestly you don’t need to wear makeup if you don’t want to or just a bit of lipstick whatever makes you feel better. I did a smidgen of makeup for my daughters wedding and will do even less for my sons the most important thing is to be comfortable that will give you confidence. You can wear a hat just for the wedding service then take it off. You will be proud and pleased for your daughter it’s such a lovely day just focus on that.

I think your feelings are very typical. I stressed enormously over both my children’s weddings as did every MOTB and MOTG I know. Who wants to be the oldie in the pictures alongside all those beautiful young things?

But I look at the photos 5 years on and think ‘I looked ok really’. I didn’t look 25, but I looked OK.

I didn’t mention any of my worries to my children- they had enough on their plates. I told them I loved everything (even when I didn’t) and brushed off every comment, off moment or awkward situation.

You are loved, you have done a great job and just focus on making their day the best it can be. And it will be over before you know it.

Thanks everyone. I do have friends but none will be at the wedding. Our family is small, and the groom's is huge so there will not be many people I know there but I'm sure they all will be friendly and pleasant.
I don't think I can ask to use my daughter's hairdresser as they have the bride and five bridesmaids to do, and I won't be at the venue the night before but travelling to the wedding venue (from another hotel - wedding is out of my home area otherwise I would get my local hairdresser to do my hair on the morning).
I'm currently looking into mobile hairdressers who could style my hair either at the hotel or at the venue accommodation. Have rung some, most are understandably booked up now but will keep trying.
I was trying to style and curl my hair earlier and it looked shit.
My makeup I have treated myself to a few nice new bits and lippy and just need to practice a bit more.
Thanks for all the words of encouragement, you're all very kind.

Heatless curlers work great to give your hair long lasting curls. The longer you leave it in, and the tighter you can manage to get it, the longer your curls will stay in.

www.lookfantastic.com/kitsch-satin-heatless-curling-set-sunset-tie-dye/13502049.html

Also, losing THREE STONES is fucking incredible - well done on the self discipline required!

Sort of light hearted but put your feet up tonight and watch 'It's complicated'. It's a chick flick with Alec Baldwin, Steve Martin and Meryl Streep. It's the story of Meryl Streep (the 1st older wife) who was jilted for the younger model by Alec Baldwin and what happens.

The moral of the story is - life isn't always what it looks like from the outside re being married to a younger model and there's life in the old dog too.

Sorry about your anxiety. I too am overweight and get anxious in these situations and I totally understand that you think people might be feeling sorry for you. Honestly watch the film It will give you a good chuckle if nothing else and cheer you up. Report back after you've watched it.

P.S. Course it's a Hollywood film so Meryl Streep is slim and rich but I still think you will like it and it will cheer you up about your situation.