Supportive words needed please - mother of the bride

[Anemone414]

I just need to vent a bit about my worries as upcoming mother of bride in two weeks.
I am looking forward to the wedding and I 100% know it is not my day, it is of course my daughter's and husband to be's day and it will be a wonderful day and I am delighted they are getting married...
But...I feel so insecure and anxious. I have kept these feelings to myself and they are unaware. I am overweight and have really struggled to find an outfit I am happy with, I've managed to lose three stone but am still overweight. I quite like my outfit but I know I will feel very self conscious in it as I am a casual dresser and find dressy occasions stressful.
I am stressing about getting my hair and makeup right. I can't afford to use a professional hair/make up person on the day.
I find any big social gatherings stressful and tend to avoid them..more formal gatherings are even worse, and in this I will feel in the spotlight as mother of the bride. I am single so do not have a partner to rely on on the day, and worst still will have to sit next to my daughter's father, my ex, on the top table. His partner will be there, she is lovely and we get on but she is twenty years younger than me, slim and pretty. I can't help but feel people will be looking at me and feeling sorry for me.
In addition I have some mobility and pain issues and I'm concerned how I'm going to cope with the day..the walking around, standing for photos and I am dreading someone trying to get me up on the dance floor but equally I don't want to feel like the sad fat person sat on their own at the side of the dance floor.
My adult son and lovely daughter in law will be there and they will somewhat be by my side but I don't want to cramp their style or enjoyment of the day either.
It's all just so stressful and anxiety provoking.
I'm sure the day will be lovely but right now I am a hidden bundle of anxiety and have been having a little cry today just feeling a little overwhelmed.
Just needed to let my feelings out and hopefully get some words of encouragement.
No nasty comments please..if you want to be spiteful please go elsewhere

Maybe ring up the hotel you are staying at and ask can they offer any help finding or recommending a hairdresser as you don't live local. If you explain you're mother of the bride must will go above to help you find someone. Please do wear your hair fascinator too, I bet you will look fab!

If your dil isn't great with hair is there anyone else you know staying in the hotel you are?
But please look into some anxiety/ mindfulness techniques to help you in the run up. Just try to relax and enjoy the day

I reckon people will be telling you how amazing you look, especially if they haven't seen you since you lost weight. You should be so proud of your achievement!

Where abouts are you staying? Someone on here may be able to recommend someone for hair. I’d be more than happy to show up just to tell you how amazing you look :)

OP if you’re hoping for curly hair, is it naturally wavy/curly/thick? What happens if you wash it, put mousse through it and scrunch it up a bit, and then let it air dry? It wouldn’t be as defined as curling it, but it can be nice and natural looking if your hair has a wavy tendency anyway, and it’s super easy to do.

The other option if you fancy it or if your hair is less naturally wavy is the big oversize rollers. So you put whatever product in your hair, roll up sections and blow dry it like that.

Those are both stress free options that I can manage even though I’m useless at hair and make up! You have a bit If time still to play around and try them out.

I hope you can enjoy the day when it comes. You deserve to and I’m sure you’ll look fabulous - your pride and pleasure in your DD will be what shines through and makes you look just beautiful.

I’ve just been the mother of the groom with 4 weeks notice, enough time to lose a dress size! I felt like you and really didn’t want to let my son down but treated it as a military campaign, hair done a week before with a simple style that went with the dress, a bit 1960s hippy, that I could re create. Make over at a Benefits counter, again that I could recreate on my own, and they gave me lots of freebies. I also had my eyebrows and lashes tinted and a manicure and pedicure so I didn’t have to bother with them or worry about mascara running! My DDIL helped me with my hair as well and, it might seem a bit mean, I think your DS would want to support you as well as his grandmother, sorry, but you are a bit more important at this wedding. Ask them to have your back, enjoy being with your family and have a joyful day

You carried your daughter for 9 months OP, birthed her and raised her into the wonderful young woman who's now getting married.
With that in mind people will have nothing but respect for you.
Your DH's new partner might be slim and pretty but so what? Her body didn't birth the bride.

My own mum is anxious about the upcoming wedding (she also HATES dresses and formal occasions), this is what I told her :)

Plus... I fail to understand why there's any sort of extra attention on the MOB - surely the spotlight is on the Bride and Groom? Unless you're making a speech of some sort. Traditionally the brides' parents hosted but these days couples throw their own weddings... so you're hardly going to do more than is expected of any other guest ...

I completely sympathise OP, when DS married lovely DDIL I thought I would feel like Nelly the elephant alongside her petite elegant mother and relatives.
I decided that taking a deep breath, standing tall and pretending I was slim and elegant too (I am definitely not!) was how I would be. It worked, I actually fooled myself.
Do you have time to ask a hairdresser what style would be easiest? Keep your makeup simple, buy yourself a new lipstick and some nice perfume and have a wonderful day!

I am sorry you feel so stressed about this - weddings are supposed to be happy occasions!!

You will be there with family who love you and your beauty will come from your smiles and joy at sharing your DD's big day.

I am a casual dresser and hate posh events - but your DD wants you there as you, not some fashion mannequin! I wore smart/casual flowy things to my 3 DDs' weddings - I did not wear any make-up and washed my hair in the shower and dried it as normal in the morning.

It is you, not your clothes, that your DD wants to be by her side.

Please enjoy it - that really is all that matters - it is not a fashion competition!

P.S i hate social occasions, I’m deaf and really struggle!

You have done right. You carried your daughter, gave birth to her, and have raised her and loved her and that's why you will be MOB and feel people will be looking at you.

Congrats on the weight loss, I hope you feel better for it. I can't think of a single time that the size of the MOB has been important to me. The people who matter don't mind, and the people who mind don't matter.

The place will be full of people who are important to your daughter and SIL -to-be. Enjoy meeting them, hearing their stories about them as individuals and as a couple, enjoy sharing the day with them and the people who love you.

Enjoy yourself. The most attractive thing you can wear is a smile.

Your family love you and the day wouldn't be the same if you weren't there. Regardless of weight, many people feel uncomfortable dressing up as it's rarely an outfit that would be worn everyday. Try to remind yourself of the above and perhaps speak to your daughter about how you could feel more comfortable. Don't be too concerned with comparing yourself to your ex-husband's new partner, I'm sure she has her own insecurities. The objective is to enjoy yourself as much as you can and smile lots😊

You will have an amazing day , all this anxiety and self doubt will fly out of the window. When your Daughter appears you will experience such strong emotions, the last thing on your mind will be how you look, you will be overwhelmed with happiness.

Ive been to many weddings over the years and the people I know who typically dress casually always look amazing when dressed up.No one will feel sorry for you, they will too busy having a good time and seeing you glowing.Enjoy every moment.

Ok my daughter's hair dresser has agreed to do my hair on the morning so that is a big relief, at least my hair won't look shit.
Practiced my makeup again this afternoon and am feeling better about that.
I am going to make an action plan over the next couple of weeks to get sorted but also try to chill about it all.
I am feeling better for having spoken about my feelings, so thank you everyone for the moral support xx

Well done on the weight loss! That's so hard to do, and you've done it! Your family love you no matter what you look like, but I wish you the most fantastic day. Do you have an outfit pic or link?

OP I'm so sorry you feel like this. Could you talk to your DD? If I'd had any idea my mum would have felt something akin to this on my wedding day I would have done anything to help her feel happier and calmer about it.

Will you be getting ready with your daughter and her bridesmaid(s) on the morning? I don't know what her plans are for hair and make up ie if she's having it done professionally or not but am sure you could do your hair and makeup all together and then if you're feeling unsure maybe the bridesmaid or your DIL could help.

Will you have friends and family at the wedding that you're looking forward to catching up with? My DM always says how it seems to be only at weddings and funerals that she gets to see some family members so we invited plenty of her cousins and the parents of one of my oldest friends who are old friends of my DM (it was doubly important for us as my DF sadly died a few months before my wedding, so incredibly emotional for all of us and even more important for me that my DM would have plenty of people around her for her to catch up with, not just all mine and my DH's friends).

Bless you OP. You sound a bit like my mum (she was MOTG, neither me or my sister are married)

I know she found it stressful in the run up and it really triggered her anxiety [she was sadly a lifelong sufferer]. We lost her just a year after my brother's wedding but we are all so thankful she was there. We also got some amazing family pictures and made very happy memories. Loved dancing with my beautiful mum that night. ❤️

Please take care of yourself and try not to worry. Honestly on the wedding day the focus will be on the bride and groom, but it’s so important you are there and I’m sure it will be a wonderful memorable day.
it’s natural to feel a little nervous and self conscious but please don’t let these nerves spoil it for you.
Have a good rest for a few days and spend time outside in the fresh air in the garden, on walks or in parks. Plan through what you will wear etc handbag and make up and hair, as you have said you are having your hair done. When I was MOB I had very subtle make up but I did have false eyelashes put on which I loved!!
Think what you would like to eat the day before/breakfast etc.
Then just enjoy it all.

Rescue remedy lozengers in your handbag in the day
dont get drunk!

Just wanted to say you sound lovely and so very happy for your daughter - I am sure she knows she is lucky to have you!

Also, you might want to look up "automatic negative thoughts" and how to deal with them - if I met you at someone's wedding none of it would have crossed my mind!

You Tube is a great source of tips for applying make up. Depending on your age, make sure you search for something like "Mother of the bride make up for mature women". There are some good videos and you'll have time to practice some of the techniques.

Most importantly, practice a nice big smile. People won't remember what you were wearing, but they'll remember how happy you were, and a smile radiates confidence (even when you don't feel it).

Well done on the 3 stone weight loss. Be proud of yourself for that achievement. I wish I had the willpower to do likewise.

Good luck, and have a wonderful day.

Thank you everyone. I'm feeling in a much better frame of mind, still a little nervous but not stressing any more and I know I will enjoy it.

Don’t worry, you’ll be sitting next to your son in law’s father on the table, not your ex.