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Original poster

What would you do in reaction to this from a 14 year old?

48 replies

American0281 · 12/08/2023 13:20

Finding parenting my first teenager quite tricky. I was a really good kid growing up so my bar is quite high and I struggle to judge how bad 'bad' behaviour is.

-referring to someone who is gay as a bender (not to their face), eg, you're in the car and they say 'that's X he's such a bender').

-calling friends spastics.

-spitting on a dead jelly fish

-being escorted out of a discount store for spraying the deodorant.

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 12/08/2023 13:23

Spitting on a jelly fish is quite a niche one, but the rest sound fairly mild, typical, pissy teenager behaviour.

Original poster
American0281 · 12/08/2023 13:25

Moveoverdarlin · 12/08/2023 13:23

Spitting on a jelly fish is quite a niche one, but the rest sound fairly mild, typical, pissy teenager behaviour.

😆 that is niche isn't it and revolting!

OP posts:
AtomicBlondeRose · 12/08/2023 13:25

It’s not great behaviour I’d encourage but having met many 14 year olds I’d say this sounds pretty run of the mill. They very often use deliberately provocative language and do very, very stupid things that they wouldn’t even have done as toddlers!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

14 year olds
WilkinsonM · 12/08/2023 13:25

I'd read mine the riot act for using that kind of language but the jellyfish isn't really an issue. The deodorant is antisocial and I'd be really angry about that.

Soontobe60 · 12/08/2023 13:26

If either of my DDs had used either of those terms they’d be in serious trouble. But neither have been brought up to be homophobic or ableist.
the spraying of deodorant is a bit meh, spitting on a dead animal is disgusting though

Littlemissprosecco · 12/08/2023 13:27

I just would just ask why? With a wry smile!

Original poster
American0281 · 12/08/2023 13:28

Soontobe60 · 12/08/2023 13:26

If either of my DDs had used either of those terms they’d be in serious trouble. But neither have been brought up to be homophobic or ableist.
the spraying of deodorant is a bit meh, spitting on a dead animal is disgusting though

My son has absolutely NOT been brought up to be homophobic or ableist thanks very much.

OP posts:
EddieHowesShithousingMags · 12/08/2023 13:28

‘Oy, don’t be a dick, you’re better than using that language, it’s not nice and I don’t want to hear it again’

’Oy, not acceptable, don’t let me hear you saying that again, it’s nasty and it’s not something we say’

’Any need for that you little tramp? That’s disgusting and completely unnecessary, don’t do that again’

’Any need for that? Stop being such a little divvy while you’re out or you won’t be trusted to go out with your mates again. No one likes a little teen pain in the arse, be a decent member of society or go nowhere until we can trust you will be’.

I think it’s all pretty low level stuff that just needs to be nipped in the bud and highlighted at the time as not being cool from your perspective and to not happen again.

Original poster
American0281 · 12/08/2023 13:32

EddieHowesShithousingMags · 12/08/2023 13:28

‘Oy, don’t be a dick, you’re better than using that language, it’s not nice and I don’t want to hear it again’

’Oy, not acceptable, don’t let me hear you saying that again, it’s nasty and it’s not something we say’

’Any need for that you little tramp? That’s disgusting and completely unnecessary, don’t do that again’

’Any need for that? Stop being such a little divvy while you’re out or you won’t be trusted to go out with your mates again. No one likes a little teen pain in the arse, be a decent member of society or go nowhere until we can trust you will be’.

I think it’s all pretty low level stuff that just needs to be nipped in the bud and highlighted at the time as not being cool from your perspective and to not happen again.

Thankyou. That's pretty much how it all went I'm just wondering if it was 'enough' then I think there's far FAR worse he could be doing at this age.

I should also add he was with his friends at the time so there was a definite element of showing off going on. He wouldn't do these things if he was in different company.

OP posts:
WetBandits · 12/08/2023 13:34

American0281 · 12/08/2023 13:28

My son has absolutely NOT been brought up to be homophobic or ableist thanks very much.

Show quote history

But he’s using homophobic and ableist language…?

It’s disgraceful behaviour and by not addressing it as soon as it was said, you are effectively bringing him up to think that behaviour is okay as you haven’t pulled him up on it (which I’m assuming you haven’t as you’re asking for advice on whether it is ‘bad’ behaviour or not?)

Jwhb · 12/08/2023 13:35

EddieHowesShithousingMags · 12/08/2023 13:28

‘Oy, don’t be a dick, you’re better than using that language, it’s not nice and I don’t want to hear it again’

’Oy, not acceptable, don’t let me hear you saying that again, it’s nasty and it’s not something we say’

’Any need for that you little tramp? That’s disgusting and completely unnecessary, don’t do that again’

’Any need for that? Stop being such a little divvy while you’re out or you won’t be trusted to go out with your mates again. No one likes a little teen pain in the arse, be a decent member of society or go nowhere until we can trust you will be’.

I think it’s all pretty low level stuff that just needs to be nipped in the bud and highlighted at the time as not being cool from your perspective and to not happen again.

Yes, insulting a teenager is a great way to teach them manners 🙄

Original poster
American0281 · 12/08/2023 13:36

WetBandits · 12/08/2023 13:34

But he’s using homophobic and ableist language…?

It’s disgraceful behaviour and by not addressing it as soon as it was said, you are effectively bringing him up to think that behaviour is okay as you haven’t pulled him up on it (which I’m assuming you haven’t as you’re asking for advice on whether it is ‘bad’ behaviour or not?)

Show quote history

That doesn't mean he's been brought up to use that language! I absolutely did pull him up on it immediately. If you read my later post you'll see that I'm now contemplating if the telling off I gave him infront of his friends plus the sit down conversations I had with him one to one was enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
American0281 · 12/08/2023 13:38

Jwhb · 12/08/2023 13:35

Yes, insulting a teenager is a great way to teach them manners 🙄

Show quote history

I agree that I wouldn't then call my son names in return but let's not pick apart everyone's responses. I appreciate everyone's advise.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 12/08/2023 13:38

American0281 · 12/08/2023 13:28

My son has absolutely NOT been brought up to be homophobic or ableist thanks very much.

Show quote history

So I assume you are reading him the riot act. There is no place or excuse for such language

Louloulouenna · 12/08/2023 13:39

Oh honestly the fact that OP is sufficiently concerned about it to come on here and seek some guidance confirms that she is doing a good job in bringing up her son.

She is quite obviously not bringing him up to think that sort of language is ok.

Loopyloooooo · 12/08/2023 13:40

But surprised at some of these replies. None of mine would dare use homophobic or ablesist terms in front of me. They wouldn't know what had hit them for quite a while if they did!

Original poster
American0281 · 12/08/2023 13:40

Sirzy · 12/08/2023 13:38

So I assume you are reading him the riot act. There is no place or excuse for such language

Show quote history

I told him off at the time and I've sat down with him and had a calm conversation about why those terms are unacceptable.

I dont know if that's 'enough' though.

What's your version of reading the riot act?

OP posts:
Comedycook · 12/08/2023 13:42

American0281 · 12/08/2023 13:28

My son has absolutely NOT been brought up to be homophobic or ableist thanks very much.

Show quote history

The perfect parents have arrived op....Once they hit teen years,they are easily influenced. Unfortunately a lot of terms are used by teens nowadays... sometimes they don't even realise what the terms means...they assume it's just a general insult. I'd respond with a "please don't use such unpleasant terms". The deodorant thing sounds like a rather over zealous shop worker. Spitting on the jelly fish is a bit random...maybe a bit attention seeking and was done to see you response.

Oh and I totally understand the difficulty op...I was a very well behaved teen so lots of this is new to me too.

Original poster
American0281 · 12/08/2023 13:42

Loopyloooooo · 12/08/2023 13:40

But surprised at some of these replies. None of mine would dare use homophobic or ablesist terms in front of me. They wouldn't know what had hit them for quite a while if they did!

What does that actually mean in real terms though? Do you shout? Take things off them? Ground them?

OP posts:
Littlemissprosecco · 12/08/2023 13:45

I often give a short “ I don’t think so!”

Also I’ve been very quick to stop ‘ banter’ in front of their friends the same way. Embarrassing them in front of their mates works wonders

tallsmallmum · 12/08/2023 13:46

WilkinsonM · 12/08/2023 13:25

I'd read mine the riot act for using that kind of language but the jellyfish isn't really an issue. The deodorant is antisocial and I'd be really angry about that.

it's being disrespectful to an animal and it's a red flag for psychopathic behaviour plus disgusting. it's absolutely an issue

Original poster
American0281 · 12/08/2023 13:47

Comedycook · 12/08/2023 13:42

The perfect parents have arrived op....Once they hit teen years,they are easily influenced. Unfortunately a lot of terms are used by teens nowadays... sometimes they don't even realise what the terms means...they assume it's just a general insult. I'd respond with a "please don't use such unpleasant terms". The deodorant thing sounds like a rather over zealous shop worker. Spitting on the jelly fish is a bit random...maybe a bit attention seeking and was done to see you response.

Oh and I totally understand the difficulty op...I was a very well behaved teen so lots of this is new to me too.

Show quote history

Thankyou.

I actually felt sick when I heard him use those terms, he's never heard DH or myself use them or any family members or family friends. He said later it's just 'banter' and I explain why it's absolutely not acceptable.

I dont know why they felt the need to spit on the jelly fish. Just seemed mindlessly revolting to me but I'm a huge animal lover and I found it really disrespectful. Is that daft though?

I don't know, I feel like I don't really know what I'm doing!

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 12/08/2023 13:49

Well I don't think it's too and to be honest.

I'd just say "come on now, that behaviour is uncivilised and you know better than that". And just keep on saying that on repeat. They're just finding their way and trying to shock, just remind them that they know better and should want to do better.

I only bring out the big guns for serious disrespect, but I personally don't think any of the behaviour there falls under that category.

Dacadactyl · 12/08/2023 13:51

Too bad

Comedycook · 12/08/2023 13:52

With the jelly fish, I'd have asked him "why did you do that?" And not let him fob me off...at least this may have got to him to examine and think of his own behaviour? I don't think it's psychotic behaviour though...the jelly fish was already dead. Maybe it was a teenage form of revenge on an animal which inflicts pain?