What would you do in reaction to this from a 14 year old?

[American0281]

Finding parenting my first teenager quite tricky. I was a really good kid growing up so my bar is quite high and I struggle to judge how bad 'bad' behaviour is.

-referring to someone who is gay as a bender (not to their face), eg, you're in the car and they say 'that's X he's such a bender').

-calling friends spastics.

-spitting on a dead jelly fish

-being escorted out of a discount store for spraying the deodorant.

Thankyou.

These replies are helping me understand why I'm confused. One person's 'psychopathic behaviour' is another person's 'uncivilised'.

I'm just finding it very difficult, with it being my first teenager to know how big my reaction should be.

Just calmly say please don't say that again because it's rude etc and just leave it at that

They pick things up from their peers which is of course very annoying and we have no control over that side of their lives in school and out with friends

His friend spat first and they all copied, poor excuse though.

I remember my brother enjoying chopping jelly fish up with his spade when we were kids and flinging them at me. The spitting felt more disrespectful than that which makes no sense really does it?

The homophobic and ableist language I'd really make it very clear than it was unacceptable. In front of his friends and then afterwards too. If he kept using it then I'd put sanctions in place eg removing privileges.

Jellyfish - where you there? I'd have not made a massive deal but I'd have asked why.

The shop thing - so was he spraying it all over the place? Presume you weren't there? I think I'd make him go in and apologise tbh and wouldn't let him out unsupervised with friends for a bit.

Tell him if he uses that kind of language you won’t be offering his friends lifts again.

Maybe I'm odd but spitting on the jellyfish I'd be the most upset about. A physical act like that that is so disrespectful, careless towards another being...it would hit me more than just words.

I have 13 and 15 year old ds's and my responses would likely be:

referring to someone who is gay as a bender (not to their face), eg, you're in the car and they say 'that's X he's such a bender')
A serious discussion about appropriate language and that I'm disappointed to hear these kinds of words from them. Possibly into the territory of not copying other's to fit in, unseen consequences, the power of words etc. No express punishment but an explicit warning that any repeats and they'd be regretting it.

calling friends spastics
Same as above.

spitting on a dead jelly fish
I'd probably show immediate disgust and tell them not to behave so bloody awfully and disrespectfully (I'd probably shout at them if I saw it tbh). Followed by a discussion, telling off, warning and also asking them for an explanation to get them to think more deeply about why this kind of behaviour is so unpleasant.

being escorted out of a discount store for spraying the deodorant
A rolled eye from me and a mildish telling off about not acting like idiots in public and not to do it again.

Oh I see...well if he copied his friend, that's even less worrying! Just teenagers showing off and thinking they're funny. I'd have probably said when we were alone though...you really don't have to copy your friends when they're being silly and disrespectful like that.

He's testing boundaries like most teenagers do.
At least he's not smoking weed and trashing your house (I assume)

I would be very cross at the language and pretty shocked tbh, I thought teenagers were more 'woke' these day... spitting on a dead jellyfish though, very random and not something I would regard as bad or naughty just odd!

So much judgment here!

I'm very 'on it' with my DC when I hear them repeat something with insulting language or if they use it themselves. It's not acceptable.

But - it's no reflection on me, just like it's no reflection on you. I am never offensive towards others and I'm sure you're not.

It sounds like normal young teen posturing and swagger and as irritating and horrible as it is, it's not uncommon.

Jellyfish on the beach aren’t always dead! It sounds like showing off on front of friends and so the punishment would be not taking him out with friends if he is going to show off.

The words he used are very old fashioned and he may not really know how awful they are. But they sound like really bad words from the 80s and I would make it clear they are not ok.

I would be a bit disturbed about the jellyfish and tell him that he might be mistaken for a psychopath as they harm animals. I am not saying he is by the way but I would point out it is not great behaviour dead or not.

Maybe I’m a psychopath because spitting on a jellyfish, dead or alive, seems like a complete non-event to me. Everyone here saying harm to animals is psychopath IC - what harm is going to come to a jellyfish from being spat on? They live in water ffs! It’s a bit of a weird thing to do, but I think jellyfish hold a kind of fascination in a lot of people because they’re mildly dangerous, they’re such an odd consistency for a creature and we don’t see them often. On top of that it was dead and I think death hold a morbid fascination for a lot of people too and is something many people are curious of. I remember me and my friends finding a dead hedgehog on the village Green once as kids and we passed around a stick to poke at it because we were fascinated. I’d see spitting on it as kind of like that, being curious and wanting to investigate it but being too scared to touch it (on account of the sting) and so just spitting on it almost to see what happened. Doesn’t seem a big deal to me and actually far less harmful to the jellyfish (if it was still alive) than poking it with a shoe or spade or stick etc, which I’ve seen many people do at the beach.

Most bizarre on this thread are the people saying the spitting on a jellyfish is the worst behaviour, compared to spraying deodorant around a shop which is obviously antisocial and potentially harmful to those with respiratory issues etc and using homophobic and ableist language which obviously would cause emotional distress to many people if they overheard it. Spitting on a jellyfish seems the least consequential to me and I’m surprised at how many people find that the most horrific - even a live jellyfish is not going to feel disrespected or be harmed/ injured If it’s spat on compared to the hurt a disabled person might feel if the word spastic is used around them.

To add to my previous comment I always just go by "feel". If I really felt my kid was going off the rails or at risk of it, then I'd clamp down hard (remove privileges etc)

If I noticed traits that TO ME (not anyone else) seemed psychopathic, then I'd be worried and again try to give support/clamp down hard, as I felt appropriate. (FWIW, I personally don't think spitting on a jellyfish is psychopathic)

If I thought they were showing off to their mates, finding their way with "banter" (eg sometimes getting it wrong, but not bullying) then I'd give some leeway.

I suspect its the latter and just showing off if your child is good on the whole, not disrespecting you at home and doing OK in school. In which case, I'd be gently reminding them of their responsibility to act in a way that reflects your family values.

Don't make a big deal of it if you have no other cause for concern would be my advice.

🤷🏼‍♀️ if they’re being a dick I think it’s ok to call them out on it. But you do you.

I'd comment that those words are hurtful and discriminatory whenever I heard them, but I wouldn't do anything else.

I'd ignore the spitting, except for saying it's a bit disgusting to spit.

I'd leave the spraying deodorant thing alone.

I think that is fine for the first time he says it- if it continues then I think it's time for a harsher sanction.

Bear in mind he could get into quite significant trouble if he uses that language at school (or, when he's a bit older) at work.

Really????? I'd go crazy if my teens used that language.

These replies! Maybe I'm stricter than I thought.

‘A sc is an ableist term used in the olden days for people who were injured at birth and developed cerebral palsy through zero fault of their own. What’s more, you have classmates with disabilities, so I do not expect to hear you say it again, or else [consequence]’.

Similar for the bender comment.

Jellyfish I’d make him pick it up and eat it <joke>

I think 'why' should become your new favourite word OP.

Why did you say that?

Why did you do that?

Fix him with a hard stare and persist.

Why?
I dunno.
Well you did/said it, there must have been a reason.
I dunno.
What does spastic/bender mean?
[XXX...]
So why did you say it?

Aim for at least 10 minutes of this, he'll get the message.

The language - I'd pull him up on it. Explain why it's offensive. And -since he's 14 - explain the possible legal ramifications of using offensive language too. If he used it again, then I'd confiscate his phone/computer/electronics for a while. For two reasons - it's a punishment that matters to him and I find a lot of slurs are normalised online so it's separating him from those influences for a while too.
The jellyfish - I'm disappointed - with a chat about it.
Spraying the deodorant - I'd probably say he had to miss the next trip to town with his friends as a punishment.

He sounds a bit of a shit but then most teens are.

I think what you did was fine, most kids need a warning before actual punishment but I’d keep an eye on him and if he repeats that sort of language or acts like an idiot in the shops then he’ll have to have a punishment.

I think lots of people would be shocked if they knew what sort of language their kids used.
In my NQT year one of my students used racist language and so I phoned home to report it to the parents. It turned out he was the headteachers son but they had a different last name.
She was obviously mortified and I don’t believe that this sort of language was used at home.

Mine is nearly 17 and the moods/behaviour have not caused me much in the way of heartache but if she does something particularly stupid or offensive I ask her WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

I then ask her to break it down to me...Would she like to be called those names? Why not? So why is it acceptable to say them about others? IT IS NEVER ACCEPTABLE TO ME OR ANYONE ELSE TO USE THOSE WORDS. What ever happened to mutual respect?

The jellyfish: You think spitting on animals is acceptable? Shall I spit on our cat, see how she likes it? (She'd probably punch me, claws out). Is abusing a living creature for funzies acceptable to you? Because I don't and I am seriously disappointed in you.

As for the shop incident, she'd be grounded for a week, phone privileges restricted.

Teenagers do stupid shit without thinking about the consequences, often egged on by their mates. It can be a mob mentality. Like my mum used to say to me, "If your mates jumped of a high cliff, would you do the same?" Probably, yes.

Expressing utter disappointment in their behaviour has helped me because my teenager goes away, has a think about what they've done and usually comes back with, "Mum, I'm sorry, I was a total idiot". Until the next time they do something utter stupid.