What is motivating this man?

VimtoPassion · 2023-08-10T23:12:43+00:00

Someone I know in a large circle, but who has been a surprising good friend to me since I had a life changing event c. 18 months ago. He's just been "there", good and decent and offered practical help when I needed it. Strictly platonic but we've become quite close. I know a lot of his secrets and dreams. He's an attractive man with lots of glamorous female friends, most 15/20 years younger than him (and me). I mention their age and appearance only becuase he definitely has a "type" and I'm not it. AFAIK he hasn't done anything with any of them, but he clearly enjoys the attention. He says he's happily single, enjoys his freedom, his social life and his home and doesn't have the time or inclination to share it with anyone and this does appear to be the case. It actually wouldn't surprise me if he was gay, although he's previously married with 4 now adult children. He chats happily to the young women at the events we're at. At those same events it's like he hardly knows me. He really has been a good friend privately but very few people know that. I don't mind as such, I don't want anything from him, I'm grateful for his friendship but I'm aware it's a bit odd and don't expect it to last forever. It feels like a good example of someone passing through your life at just the right time iyswim. However, I do wonder what he gets from it and why he's made so much effort with me. I think I've been a decent friend too, but it definitely started with him. We're actually going away together next weekend - an event for a mutual interest, but neither he nor I have told anyone! I don't want to draw attention to anything and there would definitely be unfounded gossip, but otoh I don't like being a secret.

Ozgirl75 · 11/08/2023 00:19

Could it be that he just…..enjoys your company?? Likes you as a friend but is either just not interested in you sexually, or is gay, or prefers a different type of woman?

Or…..maybe he’ll pounce when you’re away because he sees you as a sure thing rather than someone he has to chase.

Any spark of attraction at all? If not, then I would assume that he just likes you, but not sexually.

Original poster

VimtoPassion · 11/08/2023 00:20

Yes of course we're just friends doing what friends do, except the bit where he barely acknowledges me in public.

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MeinKraft · 11/08/2023 00:26

It sounds like he possibly has feelings for you and/or wants to shag you but doesn't want to be seen the publicly date you because you don't find the mould of the type he usually dates. Could that be possible?

Original poster

VimtoPassion · 11/08/2023 00:28

MeinKraft · 11/08/2023 00:26

It sounds like he possibly has feelings for you and/or wants to shag you but doesn't want to be seen the publicly date you because you don't find the mould of the type he usually dates. Could that be possible?

I suppose it's possible but he's been at pains to tell me how happy he is single and how he really doesn't want to change that.

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Ozgirl75 · 11/08/2023 00:30

Does he ignore you or is he just talking to other people?

Ozgirl75 · 11/08/2023 00:32

To be honest, it sounds like he’s just a bloke who is good at compartmentalising things. So he’s got you to talk to about his life issues, and is a nice decent man, but wants other women to talk to when he wants sex/relationship.
Maybe you’re overthinking a little?

Original poster

VimtoPassion · 11/08/2023 00:32

Ozgirl75 · 11/08/2023 00:30

Does he ignore you or is he just talking to other people?

Well he's talking to lots of other people but never to me. Often not even a word during the course of an evening, although he'll usually say goodbye.

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Wakintoblueskies · 11/08/2023 00:45

Ozgirl75 · 11/08/2023 00:32

To be honest, it sounds like he’s just a bloke who is good at compartmentalising things. So he’s got you to talk to about his life issues, and is a nice decent man, but wants other women to talk to when he wants sex/relationship.
Maybe you’re overthinking a little?

This I’m afraid to say as you sound like you’d like more.

If you do, he will definitely be aware of it.
Before you go away, if you end up sleeping with him when away, will you cope with him reverting back to ignoring you in public when you return? It sounds like this is what he will do ?

It’s worth thinking about what YOU want?

Original poster

VimtoPassion · 11/08/2023 00:48

Wakintoblueskies · 11/08/2023 00:45

This I’m afraid to say as you sound like you’d like more.

If you do, he will definitely be aware of it.
Before you go away, if you end up sleeping with him when away, will you cope with him reverting back to ignoring you in public when you return? It sounds like this is what he will do ?

It’s worth thinking about what YOU want?

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I've got no plans to sleep with him. We've discussed this actually, just to make sure we understand each other and I'll be quite cross if he tries anything.

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Wakintoblueskies · 11/08/2023 00:50

That’s ok then.

I’d say Ozgirl75 ‘s theory is spot on!

Ozgirl75 · 11/08/2023 00:57

@Wakintoblueskies whoo!

Original poster

VimtoPassion · 11/08/2023 07:53

Wakintoblueskies · 11/08/2023 00:50

That’s ok then.

I’d say Ozgirl75 ‘s theory is spot on!

Yes, maybe, but he has dozens of friends. He made a real point of seeking me out to be kind and helpful to me at a time when I really needed it and lots of long term friends had gone a bit weird on me, as they often do when times are hard, but he didn't specifically know that was happening.

There's just "something" that feels a bit odd about a middle aged man with loads of friends and a very active social life going out of his way to help someone who, at the time, he didn't know every well.

I know many of these women BTW and also a couple of his exes from way back and no-one has a bad word to say about him. I don't think he's a player but he is always surrounded by attractive women. That in itself is "unusual"?

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JussathoB · 11/08/2023 08:15

MeinKraft · 11/08/2023 00:26

It sounds like he possibly has feelings for you and/or wants to shag you but doesn't want to be seen the publicly date you because you don't find the mould of the type he usually dates. Could that be possible?

This.
Do you fancy him ? Or wonder if this could develop into a relationship ( you are obviously being cautious at the moment).
I suppose you could ask him in a discussion what he thinks about your friendship /relationship etc, but this might risk spoiling the weekend and even the whole connection you have.
Maybe just proceed carefully and see how things develop?

Original poster

VimtoPassion · 11/08/2023 08:18

JussathoB · 11/08/2023 08:15

This.
Do you fancy him ? Or wonder if this could develop into a relationship ( you are obviously being cautious at the moment).
I suppose you could ask him in a discussion what he thinks about your friendship /relationship etc, but this might risk spoiling the weekend and even the whole connection you have.
Maybe just proceed carefully and see how things develop?

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He's an attractive man but he's not someone I see myself in a relationship with. TBH I think all the female friends would be hard for any woman to take and he's far more valuable to me as a good and decent friend than he would be as a "boyfriend". (What is it called when you're middle aged? 😆)

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JussathoB · 11/08/2023 08:26

It could be lovely if you can continue to be friends and enjoy each other’s company and support each other. Hope it works out well.

sodthesodoff · 11/08/2023 08:37

He chats to younger prettier girls at events and it's like you don't exist? Well that's not the sign of an amazing friend

Sounds like he just has people around him to fulfill a purpose.

Yours is you make him feel better as he's done some good by helping you. But also he's brought about this closeness with you.

You know his secrets and dreams? He's created this intimacy between you. To the point where you're questioning what it means and his intentions.

What do YOU want from this friendship? I'd prioritise that.

Original poster

VimtoPassion · 11/08/2023 09:24

sodthesodoff · 11/08/2023 08:37

He chats to younger prettier girls at events and it's like you don't exist? Well that's not the sign of an amazing friend

Sounds like he just has people around him to fulfill a purpose.

Yours is you make him feel better as he's done some good by helping you. But also he's brought about this closeness with you.

You know his secrets and dreams? He's created this intimacy between you. To the point where you're questioning what it means and his intentions.

What do YOU want from this friendship? I'd prioritise that.

It's not that he leaves me with no one to talk to. I'm not there with him and I have lots of other people to be with. It's entirely possible I imagine it and its just that he's chatting to people he hasn't seen when we've been together a few says earlier, but it does feel like he avoids certain people seeing us together. Which is Ok, to a point, I don't want anyone assuming we're a couple either.

I'm happy with things as they are, I don't want anything more from him, but I'm not sure what he's getting.

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sodthesodoff · 11/08/2023 09:31

I just don't get your angst really?

He sounds like he's just out for what he wants. He wafts around like a social butterfly. He doesn't have ties and doesn't want ties.

He's told you he won't sleep with you. It's all amicable. He's helped you with stuff. You help him with stuff.

What's to evaluate?

My point is he's drawn you in with this intimacy. Knowing his secrets and dreams. Feeling like he's caring especially just for you.

Im just saying from your own post it's clear it's not always like that. You're not his priority.

Good friendships shouldn't leave you confused.

Original poster

VimtoPassion · 11/08/2023 09:35

I don't know that I'd call it "angst", but it is unusual, isn't it?

A middle aged man striking up a platonic friendship with a middle aged woman at the same time as having a sperate social whirl that involves numerous young and attractive women (and some men). Both moving in the same circles but keeping this friendship entirely separate?

I quite like it, it keeps things simple but I suppose the radar is there wondering why when it's not entirely normal behaviour. Or maybe a feeling of "what's the catch?"

Most days I take it at face value and enjoy it for what it is. Sometimes I think about stuff.

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sodthesodoff · 11/08/2023 09:39

Well that's my point.

For me it feels like you have a purpose. You're handy for him.

But make no mistake if a hot woman comes into the picture you're dropped like a hot potato.

So I'd just be wary of that. I don't think it's as close as you think it is.

But whatever. If it works for you that's fine. But I've never had to question any of my good friends' intentions.

Original poster

VimtoPassion · 11/08/2023 09:41

sodthesodoff · 11/08/2023 09:39

Well that's my point.

For me it feels like you have a purpose. You're handy for him.

But make no mistake if a hot woman comes into the picture you're dropped like a hot potato.

So I'd just be wary of that. I don't think it's as close as you think it is.

But whatever. If it works for you that's fine. But I've never had to question any of my good friends' intentions.

I am very aware of that. As I said in OP it feels like a transitionary thing anyway.

We wouldn't be going away for a weekend if either of us had any sort of love interest.

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sodthesodoff · 11/08/2023 09:47

Well if you're happy with just being a transitionary temporary blip in his life then go for it!

I don't mean though in a romantic sense. I think he's gaining emotional support from you. He's formed this intimacy which I don't think is especially real.

Sort of platonic love bombing.

I couldn't have people leeching off me as and when they fancy it. But as long as you know and you're aware of it crack on I guess.

GreenKimono · 11/08/2023 09:49

I have good male friends made in middle age, and the only thing that sounds potentially concerning/unpleasant about this scenario is that he ignores you in public. I would feel exploited to be considered good enough for private support/confidences etc but not to be acknowledged in front of other people, and I wonder why you seem to think this is ok, why you seem very passive about the relationship being likely to be transitory — is your self-esteem poor? How do you behave when he acts as if you’re only slight acquaintances in public? I think you should think more about what you want/need in this scenario, and protect yourself. I’m not suggesting you entertain anything more than friendship for this man, but that doesn’t actually necessarily make being exploited, taken for granted or summarily dropped any easier.

Original poster

VimtoPassion · 11/08/2023 09:54

sodthesodoff · 11/08/2023 09:47

Well if you're happy with just being a transitionary temporary blip in his life then go for it!

I don't mean though in a romantic sense. I think he's gaining emotional support from you. He's formed this intimacy which I don't think is especially real.

Sort of platonic love bombing.

I couldn't have people leeching off me as and when they fancy it. But as long as you know and you're aware of it crack on I guess.

I think you could just as easily say that about me. He's arrived in my life just as I needed "someone" and I don't expect that situation to last forever.

For example, realistically no future partner (of either of us) would be happy with the kind of sharing we do, you'd be calling it an EA if we had partners. As it is, we're possibly filling that role for each other without the complexity or demands of an actual relationship which neither of us wants ATM because of various things that have happened in our lives, but I don't suppose that will last forever.

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Original poster

VimtoPassion · 11/08/2023 09:55

GreenKimono · 11/08/2023 09:49

I have good male friends made in middle age, and the only thing that sounds potentially concerning/unpleasant about this scenario is that he ignores you in public. I would feel exploited to be considered good enough for private support/confidences etc but not to be acknowledged in front of other people, and I wonder why you seem to think this is ok, why you seem very passive about the relationship being likely to be transitory — is your self-esteem poor? How do you behave when he acts as if you’re only slight acquaintances in public? I think you should think more about what you want/need in this scenario, and protect yourself. I’m not suggesting you entertain anything more than friendship for this man, but that doesn’t actually necessarily make being exploited, taken for granted or summarily dropped any easier.

I don't think it's OK. That is the main reason I'm pondering things. It's clearly not "normal".

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