What is motivating this man?

[VimtoPassion]

Someone I know in a large circle, but who has been a surprising good friend to me since I had a life changing event c. 18 months ago. He's just been "there", good and decent and offered practical help when I needed it.

Strictly platonic but we've become quite close. I know a lot of his secrets and dreams.

He's an attractive man with lots of glamorous female friends, most 15/20 years younger than him (and me). I mention their age and appearance only becuase he definitely has a "type" and I'm not it. AFAIK he hasn't done anything with any of them, but he clearly enjoys the attention. He says he's happily single, enjoys his freedom, his social life and his home and doesn't have the time or inclination to share it with anyone and this does appear to be the case. It actually wouldn't surprise me if he was gay, although he's previously married with 4 now adult children.

He chats happily to the young women at the events we're at. At those same events it's like he hardly knows me. He really has been a good friend privately but very few people know that.

I don't mind as such, I don't want anything from him, I'm grateful for his friendship but I'm aware it's a bit odd and don't expect it to last forever. It feels like a good example of someone passing through your life at just the right time iyswim.

However, I do wonder what he gets from it and why he's made so much effort with me. I think I've been a decent friend too, but it definitely started with him.

We're actually going away together next weekend - an event for a mutual interest, but neither he nor I have told anyone! I don't want to draw attention to anything and there would definitely be unfounded gossip, but otoh I don't like being a secret.

God exactly

He sounds like a prick. But the op is glad of the crumbs. And knows he'll fuck off anyway so she'll be left to pick up the pieces of what the hell happened to the friendship

It's insane.

Ok, good. But what, if anything, are you prepared to do about it? Is saying, on your weekend away, ‘Look, X, I’m perplexed that you behave in public as if we barely knew one another, when in private you confide and behave as if I’m a close friend — what’s going on with you?’ not possible.

I might have felt like that when I was younger buy today I've come to realise there's a place for all sorts of people in life. Also that the really good friends who you really thought would be around forever don't hand about when life gets tough anyway!

As for crumbs I think you could equally argue that's all he gets from me. It's all I have to give currently, which is OK if is suits us both? Things may well change, but life does that. My life is nothing like I thought it would be 2 years ago.

If he is surrounded by friends, he could be just that type of person. You say he confides his dreams to you but how do you know he doesn’t do that with other people too? A friend of mine has very deep conversations with me. I’ve known her for twenty years and it took me a number of those years to realise she confides in loads of people. She has a huge range of friends, all in different circles.

oShe is what is typically described as a ‘people person’. The difference is she doesn’t ignore certain people when there are others around. She knows how to make everyone feel included. I would feel very hurt if she ignored/left me to get on with it myself publicly.

@VimtoPassion you seem to be determined to argue that you're perfectly fine with this Prince of a man ignoring you in the presence of other more attractive women and knowing he will sooner or later drop you when you become inconvenient to him

And that's fine. You do you.

You've asked for opinions because you know it's not normal.

I think people need a bar for standards for friendships as well as relationships.

And I think it's sad you think this is good enough for you.

Anyway I'm out. Enjoy!

You've asked for opinions because you know it's not normal.

This. You seem to be blinded by him being a ‘good looking man’. Maybe you don’t have many male friends? If he was a female friend, would you think being ignored was ok?

He seems a bit on and off to me . He is close to you when in private and completely ignores you in public in presence of other females to be specific which to me looks like classic on and off.

May be ask him why he does that ? Obviously as a friend. Or try chatting to him like you would be in public and see how he reacts. Don't worry too much about being or not being his type . If he is single and doing this I am sure you are not his only friend and he probably could be fishing.

Having been in a very similar situation, be very very careful not to get too invested as it will surely lead to hurt. In my case, my male friend made me feel on top of the world, would confide deep innermost thoughts, supported me through really shit times as I did him, made me think we were a team and we shared a huge amount of emotional intimacy ( including prolonged hugs but never ever anything physically inappropriate). Similarly, I always knew I was never his ' type's and, he wasn't mine either but the connection between us was so strong. However , he acted exactly the same as your mate when amongst groups of attractive women - I almost didn't exist. Even though it was a different set up in that people knew we were friends, he would actually stand three feet away from me in company and barely acknowledged my existence - lest he scupper his chances of getting with one of the women he clearly fancied! I actuality found it to be extremely insulting and disrespectful - feeling like I was good enough to share emotional intimacy with when alone but a big f off when with others. Not how you treat friends! Like a pp said as soon as a hot woman comes his way , you'll be out the picture . I don't know what it is with these men;I guess we're being used as place holders where they can get their emotional needs met until the real deal comes along. I'm still friends with mine, we've been through too much to throw it away and he's been the biggest support when I've needed it, but I clearly see where I stand now and have detached myself emotionally. It's very disappointing though to realise that he doesn't value me as much as I do him. Be careful op!

Maybe something about the life event struck a chord?

I’m always super-supportive of pregnant junior colleagues, even ones I barely know, because I had a very high-risk pregnancy myself, in a job where my bosses outright bullied me over it, and I remember how awful it was.

Maybe he or a family member were in a similar situation to you a few years ago, and it has made him particularly keen to help you out?

I knew a man like this. An old friend of my DH’s.

He fed off attention and creating intimacy and being seen and wanted, but with no real desire to give anything back.

Although he had the attention of very good looking women, which he enjoyed, I also noticed that he sometimes zoomed in on the less conventionally attractive women women to be “friends” with. The women were often vulnerable in some way.

What he also did was, if one of those women actually tried something with him, was to turn them down and then tell other people about it, in a “She told me she liked me/tried to kiss me, how awkward , I don’t see her in that way!” style. It happened a lot though, and there was a reason for it.

You obviously fancy this man OP and he knows it and is just feeding from your appreciation and attention.

He also ignores you in public, despite being a “good friend” in private, and he sees that you accept that, which tells him something about your self-esteem and the power dynamic in your relationship. That is what he is gaining from you. He doesn’t need to sleep with you or try it on, he is getting attention from you and probably from quite a few other sources too, but you are a good one as you aren’t even trying to move to the next level or even expecting him to be publicly linked to you.

I think trust your gut Op. it feels off/odd to you, so it probably is. It’s not normal to friends to be very close in one circumstance and them almost ignore each other in another. Yea you might talk to different people at a party, but not to the extend people barely know you have a good friendship and you feel ignored.

Personally in your shoes I’d either want it to develop into a real friendship or just finish.

I think like some other op. He’s compartmentalising and you are someone he gets his emotional needs met, but not someone he wants to chat with if other people are about. I wouldn’t be ok with that.

He's happy to have a private friendship with you, but won't acknowledge it in public. I don't know if I could be close friends with someone who snubs me in public for the 'better' choices, but is happy to have a deep higher friendship. I really think that would turn me off any friendship.

Someone I know in a large circle, but who has been a surprising good friend to me since I had a life changing event c. 18 months ago. He's just been "there", good and decent and offered practical help when I needed it.

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, I'd say. He's been kind when many others you knew weren't. You enjoy each other's company.

Maybe it will develop into something else. Maybe he will flap off like a social butterfly one day. Maybe he will be a lifelong confidante.

I would just go with what you have now. Maybe he himself doesn't understand what he's doing with you, but he obviously likes your company in this way.

Maybe beneath the social exterior he's an empathic soul, and is glad to have a deeper relationship with someone than he usually has with his sexual partners, who may be the young women you see or may be young/other men.

Someone I know in a large circle, but who has been a surprising good friend to me since I had a life changing event c. 18 months ago. He's just been "there", good and decent and offered practical help when I needed it.

@VimtoPassion that guy is in your life for a reason (per Brian A (Drew) Chalker). Enjoy it, make the most of it, take what you can from it, don't fret over looking ye olde gift horse in the mouth😁

"People always come into your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

"When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, or to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually. They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are. They are there for a reason, you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they just walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

"When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season. And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall, the season eventually ends.

LIFETIME, relationships teach you a lifetime of lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway), and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant."

Lack of hassle presenting. He can eat up the adoration and natter to you like a normal person. I wouldn’t like to imagine his end goal though. Skeevy as fuck and you should start to carefully unpick yourself from him. Until his real motive is clear, you have no idea what you're getting on board with. There's an agenda, he's just not let it slip yet.