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Original poster

5yo behaviour worsening

36 replies

WhisperingHi · 10/08/2023 19:16

I'm really struggling and need some input please! I'd post on parenting but it's quiet and I feel I need the help quickly.

As background, I have three children; a 5 yr old, a 4 yr old and a 2 year old. They all get on very well with the 4&5 year old playing very well, they share a room and generally have a lot in common.

All of my children have generally had fairly laid back dispositions. No terrible twos and I could take the elder two out most places with no issues. They may cry occasionally if things didn't go their way but no real tantrums, all very mellow and manageable. My 5yo was always known for being relaxed, smart, and ab little reserved.

Sadly for me, the terrible 5s have seem to have started. He's progressively, over the past 3 months or so, become more shouty, rude and particular. He's started to hit me and gets very upset very quickly. He's always liked things a certain way but he used to be able to adapt and move on. Now, all hell breaks loose if he doesn't get his own way immediately. I'm on tenderhooks and feel very anxious now around him.

He has become fixated on detail and asks me over and over again to do something/ remember something /give him something etc. If I don't give him eye contact when talking, he'll throw a tantrum. If I don't repeat it back 100% correct, he'll lose his shit. And god save you if you interupt him at all.

I know this might sound insensitive to kids with autism, and I don't mean it at all, but it's genuinely like he's develop autism overnight.

Disclaimer; when he was a toddler, I would occasionally worry about autism. He would go through stages of no eye contact, obsessive body rubbing and also had speech delay, but except the speech, these were short phases that would come and go and generally no one, including family and his nursery, had any concerns.

What is this?! Is it "normal" or should I be worried? Should I approach anyone for help? It's getting to the stage where I'm becoming miserable and my anxiety is through the roof.

He's my eldest so I'm not sure if this is common or not or anything to worry about...

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 10/08/2023 19:22

He hasn’t developed it overnight. He will have always had it.

What’s changed is his environment. He is doing more and different stuff as he gets older. So encountering different difficulties.

Original poster
WhisperingHi · 10/08/2023 20:22

I'm not sure really. He's starts school in September so hasnt had that as a change yet. No family issues or changes.

The only change I can see is his ability to speak clearly, he's much more understood now. I'm wondering if now his speech is better, he's feeling more confident to express himself.

I'm at a loss really though and it's getting worse.

OP posts:
JenniferBarkley · 10/08/2023 20:55

I'm as sure as I can be that my 5yo is NT. She currently has a LOT of emotions. Completely fixated on things being fair and getting one over on her little sister - regular tantrums over who gets milk on their cereal first at breakfast. Or who chooses the way home from nursery - even though they both always choose the same way. She's also starting to ask big questions about death, or getting lost, or left alone in the house. Clearly just a lot going on in that head trying to figure out the world and her place in it. I've no concerns, although it is tiring and I'm hoping she calms down soon!

She did definitely have the terrible twos, threenagers, fucking fours etc though!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2 year olds 4 year olds 5 year olds Behaviour & development
unlikelychump · 10/08/2023 21:53

My ds who has autism was like this. We always say .."before he was austistic" for a laugh.

thisisasurvivor · 10/08/2023 21:56

JenniferBarkley · 10/08/2023 20:55

I'm as sure as I can be that my 5yo is NT. She currently has a LOT of emotions. Completely fixated on things being fair and getting one over on her little sister - regular tantrums over who gets milk on their cereal first at breakfast. Or who chooses the way home from nursery - even though they both always choose the same way. She's also starting to ask big questions about death, or getting lost, or left alone in the house. Clearly just a lot going on in that head trying to figure out the world and her place in it. I've no concerns, although it is tiring and I'm hoping she calms down soon!

She did definitely have the terrible twos, threenagers, fucking fours etc though!

Can relate to every single word of this post

OP
I have been through this too

My 5 year old is a nightmare at the moment
Sending you all the best wishes and strength
It is so flipping draining xxxxxxxxxx

Original poster
WhisperingHi · 10/08/2023 22:43

Thanks for the solidarity!

Today has been hard. Multiple meltdowns alongside moments of real anger from him.

It's just not like him at all. He used to be caring and relaxed. Now he just seems so distressed and angry all the time and really lacks any patience.

At first we were convinced he had a cold but it's been months now so we have absolutely no idea what's caused this shift in personality :(

OP posts:
Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 10/08/2023 22:47

My 5 year old DS is exactly the same at the moment. It started about 6 weeks ago. You have my sympathy. I’m struggling with mine as everything we did before seems problematic now.
I have no advice to offer but I know how you feel.

thisisasurvivor · 10/08/2023 22:49

Lack of routine summer hols

I'm a very relaxed parent and way too soft

Original poster
WhisperingHi · 10/08/2023 22:52

@thisisasurvivor I wish it was but for us it's predated the holidays and we're not soft on him. We've started a reward chart, he's had some time out and he's lost toys because of it. He's just really struggling whichever approach we seem to take.

I can see how the holidays could make it worse for some children!

OP posts:
CamelSilk · 10/08/2023 23:02

This doesn't sound too unusual for a 5yo OP. You seem to be struggling a lot (eg when you say that your anxiety is through the roof). I know it's hard when your child is going through a tricky phase, but this does seem a bit of an overreaction to the irritating but fairly normal behaviour you've described. Do you think that it would help if you got your anxiety under control? Kids pick up on these things and it's usually better to be calm and firm around them.

Btw I'm not saying that he's definitely NT - it's possible that something else is going on. It's just that what you've described doesn't sound THAT bad and you seem to be finding it really hard?

thisisasurvivor · 10/08/2023 23:03

CamelSilk · 10/08/2023 23:02

This doesn't sound too unusual for a 5yo OP. You seem to be struggling a lot (eg when you say that your anxiety is through the roof). I know it's hard when your child is going through a tricky phase, but this does seem a bit of an overreaction to the irritating but fairly normal behaviour you've described. Do you think that it would help if you got your anxiety under control? Kids pick up on these things and it's usually better to be calm and firm around them.

Btw I'm not saying that he's definitely NT - it's possible that something else is going on. It's just that what you've described doesn't sound THAT bad and you seem to be finding it really hard?

Do you think this is perhaps too harsh????

frootito · 10/08/2023 23:04

My 5 yro had a melt down last summer. It took the form of feeling sad and withdrawn rather than tantrums but I was really really worried. It passed in a couple of months and she went back to normal. Hopefully your DS will be same but why not contact your GP?

thisisasurvivor · 10/08/2023 23:05

WhisperingHi · 10/08/2023 22:43

Thanks for the solidarity!

Today has been hard. Multiple meltdowns alongside moments of real anger from him.

It's just not like him at all. He used to be caring and relaxed. Now he just seems so distressed and angry all the time and really lacks any patience.

At first we were convinced he had a cold but it's been months now so we have absolutely no idea what's caused this shift in personality :(

Ignoring some behaviours

Pointing out the positives ??

One to one time?

Gosh it's hard
I wish I knew really xxxxx

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 10/08/2023 23:16

At about that age DD started to really benefit from clear laid out plans and explanations.

DD would have a picture in her mind of how something was going to go, but wouldn't tell us, then we wouldn't know so would do it 'wrong' and while she was great at holding a conversation, she hadn't developed the tools to recognise and express her emotions fully, so she'd get frustrated which ended up in shouting, crying and general misery for all concerned.

We started to explain a couple of steps ahead so:

  • Today we're going to town to get you some new shoes. We'll get washed and dressed, then have breakfast, then go into town.
  • ok now we're dressed, let's have breakfast then we'll go into town where we'll go to the shoe shop and a few other shops then have McD for lunch
  • breakfast was nice wasn't it, in 10 minutes we'll get shoes on and go into town......

That way she had time to get used to the plan before it happened and also to let us know if something was different to her expectation.

CamelSilk · 10/08/2023 23:21

thisisasurvivor · 10/08/2023 23:03

Do you think this is perhaps too harsh????

Show quote history

I didn't mean to be too harsh. Maybe it came across wrong. I was trying to help.

CamelSilk · 10/08/2023 23:26

Sorry OP if I have offended you.

Original poster
WhisperingHi · 10/08/2023 23:44

@CamelSilk hey, not offended. I don't think my anxiety has caused it or is an unusual response though. I mean, getting screamed at multiple times a day by a child, hit and dealing with lots of tears, when you have three to juggle under 6 would make most people anxious I think! And if it doesn't, then good on you!

It's also the change in his personality that's very hard to deal with. I feel like my loveable boy has gone and I'm not sure if this is temporary or long term.

Anxiety is a very normal, human reaction to stress. And my situation with my child is stressful to say the least! Was more hoping to hear from parents about if my son's experience is typical or not, rather than whether my response to it is 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
WhisperingHi · 10/08/2023 23:51

@FatAgainItsLettuceTime yes I think my son would like this. He's becoming very fixated with set routines / expectations so he'd definitely like to know exactly how things are going to pan out.

I think I struggle with this as 1) I'm not a huge planner. I'm more of a let's see on the day type person. And 2) I worry that if I commit to something with him, that he'll completely lose it if it doesn't work out that way. With my three young kids, plans do have to change regularly and it's hard to navigate that. But I'll try to work on this as I know he'd prefer to have set plans.

Can I ask, has your daughter changed as she's aged? Was it just a phase? I'm wondering if my previously chilled child is going to make a reappearance or if that's it and he's now just a differently behaved kid...

OP posts:
JenniferBarkley · 10/08/2023 23:56

If he hasn't started school yet could part of it be stress about that?

I'm not saying he's definitely NT, but I do wonder if you're getting a bit of new school plus sharing with siblings plus terrible twos coming late all happening at once.

PollyPeep · 11/08/2023 00:03

Following with interest. We have a nearly five year old very similar to yours. Previously very laid back, polite and sweet natured, no terrible twos or threes, then BAM hit four and it's all got a bit difficult. He lashes out when things don't go to plan, shouts and hits, and his preschool teacher suspects ASD. Is it possible that rather than just "developing it overnight", changes in their worlds can bring out behaviour that wasn't obvious before? Ours coincided with a new sibling. I've heard this kind of neurodiversity can become more obvious as their worlds get more complex. Eg have heard the transition from primary to secondary school can be particularly challenging. Mine is due to start reception in Sept and it will be interesting to see how he copes and whether this behaviour settles down or becomes the norm. So no advice but plenty of solidarity!

mimiku · 11/08/2023 00:04

Could it be anxiety about starting school? My eldest became a whole different child in the lead up to starting school, he too was aggressive and lashed out at me when he was never much of a hitter previously, would have full blown screaming meltdowns more frequently than he did when he was 2/3, he pooped in his underwear several times after being reliably toilet trained for 18 months. He regularly told me he didn’t want to go to school and he would miss his best friend. This largely dissipated when he started school, the fear of the unknown was gone and he settled well and made friends quickly.

MeinKraft · 11/08/2023 00:06

Calmer easier happier boys is a good read, might give you a few tips.

You could try love bombing too. Have a mum and son day, do loads of things he loves to do. Try to connect with him, let him know you're on his side.

Dillygilly · 11/08/2023 00:09

There's a rare condition called pandas where children develop ocd and/or tics following a streptococcal infection.
Probably not this, but mentioning it just in case.

The thing with autism is that the signs can become more obvious as they grow older. What seems typical behaviour in a 2 year old is no longer typical in a 5 year old. Or children can cope until a certain level and then stop being able to cope and you see distressed behavious. Speech delay also correlates with autism as does wanting set routines (for some children anyway).

I think I'd try to see someone about assessing the issues and getting some help.

I'm sorry. I know this is probably not what you want to hear suggested re autism (I know I didn't). I would act now though. Waiting lists are long. If you can access help privately I would. Whatever the problem is, it seems like he could do with some help now, as could you. Good luck with everything.

Dillygilly · 11/08/2023 00:23

Also, if it is autism, you may need to adjust the way you parent in some ways.
For example you mentioned the reward charts and losing toys. There's a fine line. Kids with autism absolutely can misbehave, but sometimes the challenging behaviours are not bad behaviour per se but evidence that they're struggling - and they shouldn't be punished for struggling iyswim.

Supertrouper990 · 11/08/2023 01:15

Watching with my interest as my 5 year old boy has become very difficult in recent weeks/months x

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