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Original poster

5yo behaviour worsening

36 replies

WhisperingHi · 10/08/2023 19:16

I'm really struggling and need some input please! I'd post on parenting but it's quiet and I feel I need the help quickly.

As background, I have three children; a 5 yr old, a 4 yr old and a 2 year old. They all get on very well with the 4&5 year old playing very well, they share a room and generally have a lot in common.

All of my children have generally had fairly laid back dispositions. No terrible twos and I could take the elder two out most places with no issues. They may cry occasionally if things didn't go their way but no real tantrums, all very mellow and manageable. My 5yo was always known for being relaxed, smart, and ab little reserved.

Sadly for me, the terrible 5s have seem to have started. He's progressively, over the past 3 months or so, become more shouty, rude and particular. He's started to hit me and gets very upset very quickly. He's always liked things a certain way but he used to be able to adapt and move on. Now, all hell breaks loose if he doesn't get his own way immediately. I'm on tenderhooks and feel very anxious now around him.

He has become fixated on detail and asks me over and over again to do something/ remember something /give him something etc. If I don't give him eye contact when talking, he'll throw a tantrum. If I don't repeat it back 100% correct, he'll lose his shit. And god save you if you interupt him at all.

I know this might sound insensitive to kids with autism, and I don't mean it at all, but it's genuinely like he's develop autism overnight.

Disclaimer; when he was a toddler, I would occasionally worry about autism. He would go through stages of no eye contact, obsessive body rubbing and also had speech delay, but except the speech, these were short phases that would come and go and generally no one, including family and his nursery, had any concerns.

What is this?! Is it "normal" or should I be worried? Should I approach anyone for help? It's getting to the stage where I'm becoming miserable and my anxiety is through the roof.

He's my eldest so I'm not sure if this is common or not or anything to worry about...

OP posts:

Dillygilly · 11/08/2023 01:26

Are you in the UK or elsewhere?
Just asking as advice around supports etc might vary with country.

Dillygilly · 11/08/2023 01:28

And might vary depending on where you are in the UK too.

Original poster

WhisperingHi · 11/08/2023 06:34

@Dillygilly we're in England

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2 year olds 4 year olds 5 year olds Behaviour & development

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 11/08/2023 06:47

WhisperingHi · 10/08/2023 23:51

@FatAgainItsLettuceTime yes I think my son would like this. He's becoming very fixated with set routines / expectations so he'd definitely like to know exactly how things are going to pan out.

I think I struggle with this as 1) I'm not a huge planner. I'm more of a let's see on the day type person. And 2) I worry that if I commit to something with him, that he'll completely lose it if it doesn't work out that way. With my three young kids, plans do have to change regularly and it's hard to navigate that. But I'll try to work on this as I know he'd prefer to have set plans.

Can I ask, has your daughter changed as she's aged? Was it just a phase? I'm wondering if my previously chilled child is going to make a reappearance or if that's it and he's now just a differently behaved kid...

It was a phase, she's 9 now and much more happy to go with the flow.

I think it was more that she felt like she wanted to make the plans or at least had some ideas of her own but hadn't yet learnt how to do that, then felt upset that we hadn't just known what she wanted and didn't know how to explain what she was feeling.

It was like that stage they have when learning to speak and make sentences where they stumble over their words, or stutter and get frustrated that you don't understand.

You don't have to lay out plans days in advance, just give lead in time throughout the day, so if you're at the park do the 'in 10 minutes we'll be leaving make sure you've played on all the things you want to play on' then ' 5 minutes till we go.....' '2 more minutes did you want a another go on the slide'....

Darhon · 11/08/2023 06:54

Of my 3 kids, two were very worried about starting school (not that they could articulate it). One is definitely NT, the other was diagnosed with autism in their teens, but every single transition point was impacting, new school stages, going to Uni etc.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 11/08/2023 07:30

This article touches on it. It used to be theorised that it was due to a testosterone surge but now it's seen as the age where they have to learn to self regulate and aren't quite there yet, so need to be taught.

Original poster

WhisperingHi · 11/08/2023 08:42

@Darhon I think that's part of why I'm so confused by his behaviour. He has always found transitions fine. Two new nurseries as a toddler and he settled immediately. Our friends and family coming and going in the house, fine. I mean, he's reserved so takes a while to warm up, but no noticeable unusual anxiety or big emotions around it. And he was great when his little sister arrived, even though it meant less attention for everyone.

But perhaps we're at a bit of a crossroads. Starting school, still some speech issues, he's physically growing which may be making him more tired than normal.

OP posts:

Dillygilly · 11/08/2023 12:43

How did he get on in nursery (other than the transitioning to them part)? Any feedback from them?

unlikelychump · 11/08/2023 16:47

Dillygilly · 11/08/2023 00:09

There's a rare condition called pandas where children develop ocd and/or tics following a streptococcal infection.
Probably not this, but mentioning it just in case.

The thing with autism is that the signs can become more obvious as they grow older. What seems typical behaviour in a 2 year old is no longer typical in a 5 year old. Or children can cope until a certain level and then stop being able to cope and you see distressed behavious. Speech delay also correlates with autism as does wanting set routines (for some children anyway).

I think I'd try to see someone about assessing the issues and getting some help.

I'm sorry. I know this is probably not what you want to hear suggested re autism (I know I didn't). I would act now though. Waiting lists are long. If you can access help privately I would. Whatever the problem is, it seems like he could do with some help now, as could you. Good luck with everything.

I agree with all of this. It is my experience.

Original poster

WhisperingHi · 11/08/2023 18:18

@Dillygilly they've never expressed any concerns. They've said he's more comfortable 1:1 than in groups and that he sticks to his sibling whilst there, but that he has friends, plays well etc. They recently said in passing that he's particular, which I know all too well myself.

OP posts:

Dillygilly · 11/08/2023 21:59

I definitely think I would begin trying to access help for him. I'm not in England so unfortunately not sure of the best pathway for doing this where you are. Could you start by talking to your gp perhaps?

Personally, I wouldn't wait. If things do settle down for him there's no harm done, but if they don't it'll help to have acted sooner.

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