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Original poster

Has anyone else got a really dysfunctional family?

51 replies

Tulips987 · 10/08/2023 18:19

My mum has EUPD and we had to fend for ourselves a lot as kids. Home life was chaotic and my mum would frequently have emotional outbursts. We were screamed at A LOT. My dad is an alcoholic criminal. My mum is NC with her parents due to emotional and physical abuse.
Make me feel like I'm not the only one?

OP posts:
Fluffygoon · 10/08/2023 21:42

Have a look at the Stately Homes thread, you’re not alone and there’s lots of support from posters who’ll understand 💐

happyinherts · 10/08/2023 21:55

When your father marries your aunt - their baby son becomes both your step brother and cousin? Your aunt becomes your step mother. Your real mother marries again and has children who are your half sisters? Is that dysfunctional?

WhatHaveIFound · 10/08/2023 22:05

Yes, we have a completely fucked up family and I do wonder whether I should get therapy.

Mum is the issue and was in full on screaming mode the other day but two hours later it was like nothing had ever happened. She said some awful things to me, my sister and BIL. DH was keeping his head down!

StoatofDisarray · 10/08/2023 22:10

Me too! I cut off all contact with mine 20 years ago and it was like having a massive weight lifted off my shoulders. I highly recommend it.

CustomerServiceSmile · 10/08/2023 22:12

Probably not as bad as some families but I did see my fair share of dysfunction. I know my dad was hit with belts. He used to joke about his neglect, being locked out, under fed and having to live with his granny. He smacked us and had anger issues but I think he really tried to not be like his mum who was an alcoholic. I think he really tried with his kids. Others may see it as failure. My mum had a violent boyfriend at one point post divorce. My dad lashed out at her when they were married. I still speak to my mum and dad and keep things as positive as I can. I never had therapy or anything like that. I consider myself "tough." I'm sorry to hear what others have experienced.

CrosstheTee · 10/08/2023 22:21

Dysfunctional as in I have 2 siblings and various half siblings and I'm not close to not one. Dad is nc with all his kids only when he needs something etc Only family member I have somewhat of a relationship is my mother... aha maybe I've said to much... I'm hearing my name being called lol 😂

EmmaPaella · 10/08/2023 22:24

EducatingArti · 10/08/2023 19:40

Mine was a very " hidden behind middle class closed doors" type of dysfunction. Everything seemed great to an outsider.
Still attending therapy to try and sort it out.

Same!

daffodilandtulip · 10/08/2023 22:39

Violent mother, racist mother and father, the lot of them are mouthy. I'm the black sheep for getting an education. Like pp, it's all hidden behind closed doors. When I kicked out my abusive ex, they all turned up in the middle of the night, lined up in front of me on dining chairs and discussed "what we would be telling people".

Original poster
Tulips987 · 10/08/2023 22:48

MontyCCU · 10/08/2023 19:23

I didn't mean that disparagingly OP.

That's okay, I didn't interpret it as such. I also feel damaged by my family's dysfunction.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tulips987 · 10/08/2023 22:49

MontyCCU · 10/08/2023 19:28

I think people like us have to build family elsewhere as our own won't be capable of acting in that supportive role.

Absolutely feel this. Unfortunately I haven't been able to build family elsewhere, although I have a few good friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tulips987 · 10/08/2023 22:51

maria2bela1 · 10/08/2023 19:42

Yes lots of us around. My siblings and I witnessed a lot of domestic violence as children, we're all grown up now...but because my parents are still together to this day, and there's still a lot of open wounds, we try to do the normal family things but there's always a lot of fighting etc. All my parents do form morning - night is argue still. I have a family of my own now so I control how much I see them etc, but yes, plenty of dysfunctional families around, you're not alone!

I'm sorry you have/have now such a difficult time and thank you for reassuring me I'm not alone 💜

OP posts:
Hawkins009 · 10/08/2023 22:51

I suspect there's a whole load of information I don't know about my bio dad, presuming my perspectives are accurate.

Original poster
Tulips987 · 10/08/2023 22:53

Fluffygoon · 10/08/2023 21:42

Have a look at the Stately Homes thread, you’re not alone and there’s lots of support from posters who’ll understand 💐

Thank you, I wasn't aware of that thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tulips987 · 10/08/2023 22:56

WhatHaveIFound · 10/08/2023 22:05

Yes, we have a completely fucked up family and I do wonder whether I should get therapy.

Mum is the issue and was in full on screaming mode the other day but two hours later it was like nothing had ever happened. She said some awful things to me, my sister and BIL. DH was keeping his head down!

I've had years of therapy but I still long for a somewhat "normal" family and resent having to do so much/everything without parental support and REALLY resent that my father put committing crime before me and my siblings.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tulips987 · 10/08/2023 22:57

Am replying 4 hours after my original post as have been sat with sibling for hours as she ranted about parents as she is struggling so much with our family.

OP posts:
Turquioseblue · 10/08/2023 22:57

I'm sure my mother had borderline personality disorder, her rages never stopped. I grew up terrified of her and my brothers are a mess.
Nobody outside knew about it of course. I had therapy for years to try to recover from the abuse.

IrelandSummer · 10/08/2023 22:59

Ohgodyestheyare · 10/08/2023 19:55

Take your pick from
Drug addicts and dealers
Armed robber
Car thieves
Wife beaters
Animal abusers
Liars
Fraudsters
Many people with poor mh
I could go on and yet here I am with my education and solidly middle class job. Apart from DP and a few close friends no one knows where I come from, how I was dragged up and who my family are. You can reinvent yourself but at the same time I have no shame about my background. I don't tell people because in the past I've found people tend to think I'm inventing things or seriously exaggerating.

Why do you lump people with poor mental health in with criminals and wife beaters? You’re lucky if you don’t have a mental illness but it’s crap of you to demonise people that do

Shayisgreat · 10/08/2023 23:05

Yeah. My immediate family is pretty OK (apart from childhood neglect, rape victims, siblings dying as babies, eating disorder, father having an affair) but the wider family is dysfunctional.

We have
Child sexual abuse
Alcoholism
Gambling addictions
Grandmother/mother dying very young
Affairs
Affairs with trans women
Rape victims
Accusations of being a rapist
Cousin had an affair with the rapist of her daughter
Domestic violence
Unemployment
Drug use
Psychosis and other mh

Ohgodyestheyare · 10/08/2023 23:27

IrelandSummer · 10/08/2023 22:59

Why do you lump people with poor mental health in with criminals and wife beaters? You’re lucky if you don’t have a mental illness but it’s crap of you to demonise people that do

Show quote history

Because they are the same people!!!!!!!
You can be an armed robber and have serious mental health needs. Show me someone who abuses women and children who doesn't have complex psychological problems, addiction issues, or issues with power and control.
Poor mental health in adults and children can be both a consequence of growing up in dysfunctional families and a contributory factor in perpetuating that dysfunction in subsequent generations. I'm not demonising anyone.
How do you know I don't have poor mental health as a result of my early childhood experiences and being socialised in such an environment? You don't know anything about me or my life so please don't judge what you know nothing about.
I posted this because the OP needs to know that she's not alone. This is my example of the way family dysfunction manifests itself. My family is what it is and it's me that's had to learn to live with it not you.

notprincehamlet · 10/08/2023 23:49

Dear god yes. You're definitely not alone op.

Pyjamasleeveprincess · 11/08/2023 00:23

Who do you want me to start with?

A 'father' who prioritised his gambling habit over and above his children.

Or growing up in a domestic violence household (and yes, it was often aimed towards myself and my siblings) at the hands of my stepfather.

I'm absolutely hellbent that my children will never experience what I experienced when I was growing up. When school activities like family trees come up, I ask if they can do the family tree of someone famous instead.

dysfunctionsurvivor · 11/08/2023 12:46

Yes, until age 30 when i escaped and went NC (after fighting legal cases against them for 4yrs) i was finally able to be free

Things that happened:

  • mum & dad violent and emotionally cruel to my sister
  • sister diagnosed bipolar i think is autistic (stimmed sucking tongue & mute a lot) attempted suicide many times, sectionsd a lot (secret and i had to support after)
  • morher bipolar again autistic i think out of it a lot, seemed smart but couldnt empathise or see beyond herself. Cafcass said she was likely a sociopath later on
  • dad did narcissistic family thing where i was golden child, sister bullied and brother ignored. Siblings and mother jealous of me . Dad used to say i would he the only one he would save in a fire etc
  • mums mother bipolar and sectioned alot. Again think is autistic. No help to anyone
  • morher set up divorce telling only my sister plan to run away and start again for 2yr before inc her doing uni other side UK. Cue furher fall outs/ NC between 5 of us.

Mother then persuaded me to fund her and pay her to care for my kids as she was skint. Turns out she had £500k in the bank.
Then manipulating me and DH to support my sister (bipolar and now gay) to have donor baby living in our home that we would fund (she was discharged from teaching due to psych record)

When said no spent 4y sueing
Me and DH and trying to bankrupt us and take custody of our kids under 5. Cost us £100k in loans defending.

Still speak to only my dad. He re married but i was uninvited to his wedding and his new wife wont meet or speak to me/ DH as believes i am behind family awfulness

Im very nice married 3 kids no mental issues (except PTSD i had trauma rewind for). Im a lawyer. Some in wider family know mother is off (eg sister she tried similar tricks on) but lost 90% FOO.

Sad but theyd always want things from
Me and the weirdness would impact my 3 teens. No one would believe any of this in real life. I dont mention parents and people assume theyve passed i think.

EddieVeddersfoxymop · 11/08/2023 12:53

Yup, gonna raise my hand here too. Alcohol, depression, pathological liars, mental health issues and suicides. I feel like the black sheep of the family sometimes as I'm non of the above.

Summerwashout · 11/08/2023 13:19

Definitely! I don't know anyone who doesn't except people who think annoying siblings are the worst...

ValleyoftheLilly · 11/08/2023 13:25

That’s a big ‘yup!’ From me. Funnily enough I just came on as I was thinking about posting similar.

My dad died recently and it’s all resurfaced. I am having to deal with them all more too while we organise everything.

What I have realised, again, is that it’s just me. No one else in the family is capable of staying calm and grounded in difficult situations. They all kick off. I’m there for everyone else. None of them are there for me. They are toxic and selfish. I wish I could go NC.